[Redacted]

Hi Emily,

Wow, for 20 years old you are a strong person, look at what you've accomplished.

I'm 44 years old, dieted my entire life, at one time lost 150 lbs but yet I feel like I don't know how to diet anymore or for a better way of saying it.... I don't know how to eat healthy to lose weight

When I was in my 20's, I felt the same as you (almost), like everyone was/is better then me. Either because they had an education and I didn't or what not. I also felt so alone, physically and mentally even though I had lots of friends, a big family and was/is married. I could stand in a crowd of 1,000,000 people and still feel alone. What helped me in this part of my life was going to Church, and finding my relationship with Jesus. It took a while but I did realize that God doesn't make junk, He doesn't judge me, He thinks I'm beautiful and He doesn't put others before me, so why would I let humans make me feel that way when my allmighty creator doesn't. For me it has been life saving. Nobody is better then me, and I am not better than anyone, we are all created equal. I just pray for the people who make others feel less.

Losing weight.... well thats a battle some day I hope to win but until then I just have to keep trying. Never give up, there is always hope.

Feel better soon hon and hold your head up high because you are a good, beautiful, smart, successful person....but you don't need me to tell you that, you need yourself to tell you that.

Leenie

Well I am 51 (when did that happen) and can really feel your pain. I feel the same. I am a nobody, ignored, fat ugly ...you name it, if its bad its me.
I have reccurring major depression and take prozac ,but one doc decided I was bipolar and changed my meds.. Well that nearly ended in suicide..my husband didn't notice, by the way.No one notices.No one cares.
I have been this way my whole life and guess it'll never end.. wall paper..I guess thats me too.

Cousin, Do you have manic episodes, what are they like?

[Redacted]

You are 20.....Oh god, my 20s. I felt like that my entire early 20s. I'm surprised I'm alive, in fact.

I kept thinking -- is this it? This is the way I'm going to feel forever? How can people live like this?

The weight of the world was on my shoulders. I couldn't stop thinking (like you) of the terrible things of the world, I couldn't walk on the streets without looking at people and feeling this pain in my heart. I didn't (and don't) believe in God, was unsure about my faith in anything.

But guess what? I'm 34 now, and I can tell you, it gets better. When I was in my 20s, I don't think anyone in their 30s told me that important piece of information! So there was nothing to hope for.

But I kept living by this adage that someone once told me; "I could kill myself, but I think I'll just stick around and see what happens".

So I stuck around.

At about 26 years things started to change, to look up. At 30 and 31 things started to REALLY change, and at 33/34 my entire existence has changed.

Your 20s is a hard, hard, HARD, time. I feel for you so much. I had depression but I didn't know what it was. My boyfriend made fun of me for taking medication and I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and I just wanted to be NORMAL. There was no internet support system back then really. No one seemed to understand what I was going through.

Now when I look back the only thing I regret (well, besides not getting my degree!) is that I never really appreciated myself. I was so hard on myself! I wish so much I would have found a good counselor and support system.

When I read your accomplishments, I thought - wow, you are so much farther ahead than I was when I was 20. You are obviously bright, you have a spark of life in you, you QUESTION things, you are obviously able to think for yourself.

While that may make you feel isolated and "different" than everyone else, those are the things that you will begin to appreciate as you grow older. Most people are just NUMB and DUMB and floating through life. It may seem like they are happy, but ignorance is bliss.

I could go on and on, so I will stop now. But I really just wanted to tell you that.

~CGH~

You know, regardless of age, religion, gender and other factors in life, nobody has it easy and when you boil down to it, we're all scraping through as best we can. You're not the only person who feels like wallpaper, the girls who draw attention to themselves probably do it not because it feels natural but because they're insecure inside just like you just like the girls who feel the need to insult and *****.

You also learn that although the hard things in life may seem endless, there are small glimpses in life when you realize those times were necessary for you to learn and grow about yourself. You see everything that is happening, is for your own good and even if after life there is 'nothing' then surely that is a reason to make the most of what time you do have?

It's not easy, at all, but in the end if you go looking for the worst, thats what you find.

You probably know all of this, its just my input. But I believe that being happy isnt about other people but about accepting ourselves and just flowing with the life around us instead of fighting it.

I have always been wondering when "it gets better". When I was 8, I thought it'd get better when I was a teenager. When I was a teenager, I wanted to be 18, as surely that'd be better? A "proper adult", in my 20s? No.

I'm not clinically depressed, at all. I should have made that much clear. I'm functional. I have a good relationship, family relationships, I keep my flat very clean, I hold down a parttime job a small voluntary job and I get good grades at university.

I just have a dark almost bubbling backdrop to this, where every so often the realisation hits me that there's no real point in anything, ultimately, and I truly believe that. This worldview makes it hard to put any effort into most things, I don't have motivation to do much beyond the minimum.

I TRY to get excited about things. I try to connect with people and learn new things and so on and so forth. But I have never been able to find anything really stimulating, so to speak. My mother always said I "think far too much" and I'm too easily bored. Well isn't everyone? I didn't enjoy my childhood. My adolescence was worse. Now this is a kind of limbo.

I'd rather be dumber and contentedly wallow in my own ignorance.

[Redacted]

*sigh* It would be easier wouldn't it.....

you're asking questions that no one can answer.
but i'll just tell you what has helped me because i was/am much like you.

it's hard though because i think more in imagery and feeling than words, but somehow, when i'm curled up in pain and dispair that is so intense i can't directly think about it because if I did i am sure that it would suck me under--I somehow become certain that the whole universe couldn't possibly be indifferent to the sufferings of this one little girl that is part of it.


not sure if that makes any sense, but it usually makes me feel better.

Emily - we haven't talked in so long, and I don't have the right words to make you feel better... but I hope you remember that I once told you that I think you are one of the most beautiful women I have EVER seen.

I still mean that. Inside and out, baby - inside AND out.

Heather x

^ thankyou Heather...I remember you! How are you?

The fact that I'm so insignificant to the universe is depressing. When an ant is squished by a rock, the universe doesn't really care. If I fell over and broke my leg, then my little pocket of life would care, but in the grand history of everything, I mean so little.

I'm going to stop writing before I wanna jump out a window. Lol I am so depressing.

Hang in there, hon. You are loved. xxx

But I think that the universe does care about the ant. The ant is only insignificant in the eyes of humans.