Hello all.

The title of this post makes it obvious but I'm not sure whether I have depression or not. I haven't been to see a doctor but I don't want to in case I do not have depression and end up looking like an idiot in front of the doctor.

Okaaay, here goes.
Since September, when I came back to school for a new term, a lot of people have noticed that I haven't been "myself." A teacher has expressed her concern for me. She said that she's been really worried about me because I am not my usual cheery self and it's like that I don't care about the school work anymore, which is a shock because I am always eager to learn and pay good attention in classes.

I'm feeling very emotional and aggressive (emotionally, not physically) although I do feel like lashing out at my poor boyfriend sometimes. I find myself so easily wound up and I always snap at Michael (my boyfriend) and my mam. I really don't like it because it's not fair on my mam and Michael

I am very stressed in school because I am in my last year of A-levels so I "should" be applying to universities now. The thing is, I am hearing impaired and I do not have the confidence or ability for most roles required in most jobs SO I have no idea what I want to do, career-wise. As a result, I'm putting off the idea of university because I don't know what course to pick and I don't want to spend three years and waste money just to be unhappy and still clueless in the end. Anyway, there's a teacher in my school who is a teacher for the deaf, and she's being really forceful. I HAVE to see her every week for an hour discussing my options for what I'm going to do once I finish school. She wouldn't shut up about the whole job thing, that it's not possible to find a job as an A-level graduate, especially in the economic climate now.

It's really insulting because I know there's LOADS of A-level graduates who have good jobs so I don't see why I should push myself towards a degree just so it would be "easier" for me (for the teacher's sake, more like!) to apply for a job.

I'm not ditching the idea of university COMPLETELY, it's just that I don't want to go next year because I am not ready and I truly have no idea what I want to do in the future. I am happy to go to college to do a course but the teacher keeps nagging me that it's pointless doing a course in college because I am doing A-levels. NO IT'S NOT POINTLESS! There's loads of courses in college that helps you to train for jobs, and there's a big range of courses to choose from, like decorating, hairdressing, computers, plumbing, etc etc. I am doing English literature, Religious Studies and Applied ICT for my A-levels so it's not like I'm going to do them again at college, am I?!

More to the point, I keep thinking "what's the point of life?" I just feel so DOWN and I keep thinking that life would be a lot easier if I wasn't alive! I actually feel quite suicidal but I won't commit suicide because I am not selfish enough and I do not have the guts to do it. Besides, I love Michael and my family too much to commit suicide.

You're probably thinking that I'm either a really stupid, melodramatic girl or just plain selfish and horrible, for feeling suicidal
Do you think I have depression? My mam has it but I don't want to tell her how I feel because she might say that I don't have it because her depression is so bad (without anti-depressants) that I don't even measure up to her extent.

HELP PLEASE!!

Beth
xx

Nope. I think you're under an amazing amount of stress and you're worried and scared and not sure where to turn!

And yes, I think you're depressed. Mind you I'm not a doctor and I am not "diagnosing" you, but I've been depressed before and my husband suffers from long term clinical depression that he takes meds for.

When I was depressed a couple of years ago I felt much the same as you. I was edgy, snappy, always distracted, couldn't focus, cried a lot, slept a lot, picked fights with people I care about, and wished I could just .. stop being. I didn't want to kill myself. I just wanted to not wake up in the mornings. I took a course of Wellbutrin for about a year and it changed my life. I don't take it any more, but it definitely got me through a bad year and helped me pull myself out of it.

Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and don't feel like an idiot. Please. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of if you're depressed. And there is nothing to be ashamed of because you're not "as depressed as your mom". Think of it this way: My grandmom had diabetes and had to inject insulin into herself 2x a day. I have a friend who has diabetes that she controls with diet and pills. Is she *less* of a diabetic because she doesn't jab herself with a needle 2x a day? Of course not!

It's ok to be depressed. There's no shame in it Go see your doctor. And feel free to keep posting here. There are a lot of women here who are more than willing to support you and offer advice (if you want it) and hugs (if you just need a shoulder).

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Thank you for posting

Do you ever get the feeling that you want to cry but you can't? I'm always feeling like that - I always find stupid reasons to get myself upset so I could cry, to let it all out but I never do I feel that I'm keeping too much to myself. I think this happened when my nanna passed away in August last year - I was crying loads and uncontrollably then a few days after nanna's funeral, I suddenly stopped and I haven't cried ever since, which is very horrible for me! I didn't even cry at my boyfriend's gran's funeral - which was AWFUL - because I adored Michael's gran and I couldn't even bring myself to cry!

I'm sorry if I said it the wrong way. What I meant was that if I told my mam how I felt, she probably would just laugh and tell me not to be silly because I'm nowhere as bad as she is - she has long term clinical depression, like your husband. Also, I am quite good at hiding my "depressed" self when I'm around her, so she probably wouldn't believe me. In order to see a doctor, I will need to have my mam to arrange an appointment (I can't do it because I am deaf so I can't hear very well over the phone) and if I do tell her how I feel, I wouldn't know how to start the conversation. I just don't want it to be out of the blue, like, "mam, I think I've got depression."

Even if I do have depression, I'm not ashamed. I just hate feeling like this! I'm so self-resentful and I'm horrible to almost everyone. I even make snide comments and judge people I do not know well. I'm not that sort of person at all!

Beth
xx

Beth hon, get to your doctor and tell him/her everything you've said in your post. Your feelings are real, very real and they are not stupid I'm happy that you recognize there is a problem and you will do something about it to help yourself.

You deserve to be happy, you have so much going for you. Life is good and your doctor can certainly help you.

i know this sounds weird but are you on a new birth control since feeling this way or before...my 15 year old had severe mood swings and crying for no reason and depressed from the new birth control she was on...just a thought.

also, the doctor is the best judge of whats going on. i don't want to say lie to your mom but is it possible to tell her that you need to see the doctor for a different reason and while there talk about the depression

you're under a lot of stress with A levels. it's hard going no matter what and it sounds like that one particular teacher is really pushing you. perhaps part of how you're feeling is because you can't stand up to her?

why not tell her just what you told us? That you do want to go on to further study but that you're not sure you want to do it right now. there is NOTHING WRONG with taking a gap year in fact, lots of people would advocate it. i sometimes think we push ourselves to go to uni right after a levels cos it's "what is expected". but taking that time out and being sure of what you want to do means you are actually more focussed on your studies.

anyway, are you depressed? Only a dr can tell you that but i think he'd probably tell you just as i have above. i do suggest you do to speak to someone but i woudln't say try medication right off. perhaps you need some councelling? perhaps this can be provided byu school if you can tell them how you are feeling? or your mum! cos i bet you there's lots of people who know just how you're feeling cos they've been there before.

1. Depressed Mood
A person may report feeling "sad" or "empty" or may cry frequently. Children and adolescents may exhibit irritability.

2. Decreased Interest or Pleasure
A person may show markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, daily activities.


3. Weight Changes
Significant changes in weight when not attempting to gain or lose (a gain or loss of 5% or more in a month) may be indicative of depression. In children, this may also present as a failure to make expected weight gains.


4. Sleep Disturbances
Insomnia or sleeping too much may be a symptom of depression.


5. Psychomotor Agitation or ******ation
The person may be observed to be either agitated and restless or physically slowed down in their movements.

6. Fatigue
Deep fatigue or a loss of energy is a symptom of depression.



7. Feelings of Worthlessness or Guilt
A depressed person may feel that they have no value or they may feel inappropriately guilty about things they have no control over.


8. "Brain Fog"
A depressed person may have a diminished ability to think, concentrate or make decisions.


9. Thoughts of Death
A depressed person may have recurring thoughts of death, especially thoughts of suicide, with or without a specific plan.



Do any of these sound like you? But you do have some stressful situations going on in your life. You could get a referral from your doctor for psychiatric services. Oftentimes, therapy really helps. Medications help too, but neither one are really shown to work optimally without the other. Medications help take the edge off the depression and in therapy you learn the skills on how to avoid relapsing, and learn coping skills.

Good lucK!

i would be careful with looking at the above diagnosis and wokring things out for yourself. at some point or another we all fit that category.

i think the issue here surrounds your a levels and your future choices. i think if you find someone to talk about that with and really get out how you are feeling you might find the world appears a whole lot better.

of course, it might not. in which case, you should see your dr.

I feel you and extend great sympathy.

I changed A levels three times and my mind about going to uni...four times? But it worked, I got AAA and I've just done year one of a two year Psychology BSc. I wanted to do Drama, and did the AS year. But I didn't feel "perfect" enough. I wanted my AAA more because I was, frankly, stupid when I was younger. Yep.

Never dreamed I'd do Psychology. In all honesty, I just applied two months prior to the course starting (its a private university) because it was (ahh embarressing) "something to do" and I was "always kinda interested in it". Well, its gone well so far.

I used to worry SO MUCH about careers and the like. But a good thing is to roll with it, because life can do a 180 when you don't expect it.

I may well do a drama degree after this. Or maybe I'll teach english as a foreign language abroad. Or maybe I'll start painting again.

Even more likely, I'll do a Theology parttime degree since I have a religion obsession (did Religion A level too..am an atheist, but riveted!).

Anything and everything could happen.

You're probably 18 right now? 18 is nothing relatively speaking. You'll change so much in the next two years. I did at any rate. And thats how it should be! 24 months, you won't recognise yourself. You'll get new ideas, new direction.

There isn't any point in doing a degree just to have one. I'm not paying for mine, if I had to then blimey I wouldn't fork out £3,000 a year on tuition fees alone unless I really knew what I was going to do with it. You are very wise not to do one unless you have a use for it.

Why not work and play around for a couple of years, no rush to find out The Answer to what you're going to do in life. The chancellor of my uni has had three distinct careers in his life and he's certainly done alright!

Your careers teacher sounds like most careers advisors, useless (only ever heard bad things about them).

no rush, no rush.

As to the meaning of life...hmm. Big one. Religion may or may not help there. Voluntary work I found to be good.

As a (manic) depressive, and a psychology student, I wouldn't get hung up on a specific diagnosis. What matters isn't so much what someone might label you as but how you can feel better, and as soon as possible! That's a subject that could fill a celestial library though, and I have no idea where to begin with that right now.

Don't ever self-diagnose though.

I suspect when the A level/school thing passes, so too will the depression. But it'd be worth looking into coping skills for the current stress, obviously.

Great advice there ... Emily! ditto ...

for going to the Dr.

Give your meds some time to work.

As far as the University and choosing a career goes. Relax.

Between the 2 of them, my twin boys changed colleges, 6 times and majors 3.

Art finally got a degree in business and finance, and he's a state trooper and swat sniper now.

Dale has a degree in human biology, was going to go to physical therapy school, changed his mind and went to rad tech school instead.

You don't have to make those decisions right this second. Most likely after you take a few classes somewhere you'll change your mind anyway.

I would suggest taking a few general classes, have some fun, give yourself some time, explore lots of options. It'll work itself out.

WTG Beth, I'm so happy for you. Feels like the weight of the world is off your shoulders I bet.

Here's to a healthy happy YOU !!!

Leenie

medication can take a couple weeks to kick in. by now, you should be noticing the effects. but even if you have depression, medication may not be all you need to do. therapy can help you to sort things out and identify priorities and let go of issues you don't need anymore.
also, your depression was spurned on my events in your life, not just your biology (as some people deal with)
i have seen clients for therapy who are hearing impaired. the most common theme is anger and frustration being hearing impaired in a hearing world. people who hear don't understand and there is a level of discrimination that you are dealing with.
you also need to get a different advisor at school. she isnt working for you.

Thank you all very much for your support! :]

Beth
xx