This is the most stupid thing ever. Last night the mom of dd1's (6) invited me and my other 2 kids over for dinner/playdate for this Sat night. I accepted as I do like this family but then later after I got home I began beating myself up and letting my depression get the better of me. It finally dawned on my that what I was feeling was that I'm not worth good friends (these are new people btw). See my parents are abusive and told me often that I was worthless, unlikeable, unloveable, ugly, etc. They told me under the guise of being helpful and I bought it. I've had years of therapy and have been estranged from my parents for 10 years but still their legacy continues on in my head.

I've tried medications but the side affects were worse than the depression. What works for me is to beat this with diet and exercise. But how do you do that when you feel like you aren't even worth that effort either?

I feel like I deserve to be fat and miserable because it's all I deserve. KWIM?

Fat?? You are 146 pounds! You are not fat.
I had a hard childhood as well. You should feel very proud that you choose not to have them in your life. I am sure that was a very hard thing to do. I am sorry you are having a bad day. You are NOT worthless. Just go look at your kids and you will see all that you are worth. What helped me get over my childhood was to forgive my family for the things they did. They did the best they could with what they had. And I am very thankful, I wouldn't be the person I am today if I didn't have the childhood I did. I am stronger and smarter. I am sure you are stronger and smarter for having them as parents. And now you know how not to treat your children! Hope you feel better soon!

I know what you mean... i get these feeling as well, but Nancy is right. You're not fat OR worthless! I don't know how to make the feelings go away, but let me know if you figure it out! =) Feel better and keep coming to 3FC for positive encouragement.

It can be hard to erase those old tapes going around and around in our heads...those messages put there by someone else that say we are not worthy, that we don't deserve good things in our lives, but it can be done. First of all, tell those mean, rude, unkind "voices", the messages that you have been given, to be quiet and go away. You really do have to make yourself stop thinking those thoughts if you want to feel better about yourself, and you can do it by having a list of affirmations about yourself that you can repeat when you start spiraling into negative thoughts about yourself. "I am kind", "I am hard-working", "I am smart", "I am lovable", "I am attractive" etc. And by all means, go and have fun at the playdate! The more experiences you have that are positive and that show you that you are a loving, kind, worthy person (with your kids, for example) the more you will feel that way! Do kind things for people, do loving things for people, do smart things, do ambitious things, do the morally right thing and you will feel that way! Write about the good things you do, reflect on the good things, talk about the good things and share the good things about yourself!

I was very much like you during my 20's and 30's and I can tell you that life does get better. I am now one of the happiest people I know! One thing for sure is that people can only have power over your life if you allow them to, especially when they are no longer a part of your life. I had to let go of some of my family,too, even after I forgave, so that I could feel sane. I think sometimes it is necessary to "Let go with love" as is said in Alanon.

What really happened to me was at the age of 38 I had cancer and there was a good likelihood that I would not survive. Faced with that I decided that I could just leave all of the past pain behind (yesterday's ashes) and move on from that day forward stepping into a new life. I can't explain it really except to say that my spirit said live and live fully. And my spirit and mind accepted that decision and that is what happened. It was like opening a new chapter in my life. That terrible hole in my "heart" went away and I started seeing blessings where I had once seen shadows and fear. For me, a terrible illness healed an even worse illness. But, I think we can decide that from one day to the next our lives can be different and if we truly believe that, we can have the courage and drive to make our lives different. For me the hardest part was breaking old habits, but when you really decide to change it is exciting; it becomes the wonderful thing you are doing and it is all about you, making your life the life you want to have.

Sorry I got so preachy, but I so understand your doubt and pain. You can feel better about yourself, but it takes effort and a conviction that you can change.
Sheri

Okay, my left foot weighs 146 pounds, - **** I probably weighed more than that when I was born! You are NOT fat. Not at all.
And your not worthless. I truely believe no one is worthless, we ALL have a purpose in life.
Hope your feeling better.

I agree with Sheri - these are just pre-recorded "tapes" in your mind that are playing back. That's how mind works - it pops up and plays back old tapes.
"Beating ourselves up" is #1 most popular one

We love you!

Tammy.