today i did a good job with my eating... at first. i stayed within my calories until the evening and have 700 left over. that's plenty to get me through the rest of the night.

but then i get it in my head that i need to order a pizza. why do i do this to myself? now i just want to go and vomit and hurt myself because i am so ashamed. i don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food. either, i want it so bad that i can't stop thinking about it... sometimes for hours, or i feel so completely defeated after i eat it that i just want to curl up and pretend i don't exist. i can't speak for anyone else but i don't think it's normal/good to be depressed and self-loathing after eating.

when i was eating right i felt so good about myself. i couldn't believe that i was able to make these boundaries and stick within them. why can't i get back to it? it's like if i don't eat what i want then i obsess over it but if i do then i obsess over the fact that i ate it and can't stop hating myself for it.

as terrible as it sounds i always wished i had it in me to be bulimic or anorexic. i wish i had that kind of control and self-discipline. i know that's not healthy, but the way i am is not healthy either. i don't think i can be fixed. am i just doomed to always have this obsession with eating and not eating? i just want to feel like a normal person.

as i have mentioned before, it's not really about wanting to be thin. it's about wanting to feel normal. it's about wanting to eat something and not feel like i failed afterward. it's about wanting to be able to say "no" and not continue to think about that food i wanted 2 hours later.

i really just don't know what to do. i just want to cry and never stop.

I'll tell you what to do. Tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity to stick with your food plan.

We ALL have slips. The trick is to keep a slip from becoming more than just a slip.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're just human like the rest of us.

you know what? I have bi polar. I have been on and off medication and a lot of other maintenance plans. So I have a similar experience to you with the issues you're dealing with and as I read your post I could definately empathize. I don't claim to know the best way to handle any of it, but I do have some ideas - tried and true for me - so if you care to chat, pm me. anytime. I mean that.

Hey there beautybooty,

I know we don't know each other... so hello! Nice to meet ya. I am glad you are sharing with complete honesty, so I hope whatever I am about to babble can help you out. After reading your post I felt like I should say this. I think that what happens is that you are doing two things that might prevent yourself from sticking to healthy eating. If you step back from your situation, maybe you will see what I mean here...

I think if you had 700 calories left over for the day then you probably eat just a little more, just to satisfy any little hunger pang or added energy you need. If you are allowed 700 more, I wouldn't say that you should go get a donut from Krispy Creme or a Big Mac to fill up those 700, but maybe eat a small sandwich or some fruit? At that point your body was probably like "Hey ummm hello?.... Knock knock, I usually get more calories than this... Should we um save up for a famine now?" It does this because that's what your body thinks when you are not eating sufficient amounts. We come from a hunter gatherer type history, so when we aren't providing our body screams FEED ME! If you don't feed it, then it will just store fat and prepare for no food! So I say don't fight any urges. just pick a healthy food, or food you like and limit the portion size. Eat it slow and think about each bite and how it's gonna fill you up. This way you won't gobble it down in a sh**storm of guilt and hunger. You will definitely appreciate yourself for making a good choice, and you can enjoy whatever it is that you have chosen mroe than if you got food that would end up making you feel guilty.

Which leads to your mental angle on all this. Now since physically you're body is saying- "Why do I still feel like I need something? I have eaten all my meals? Hmmm.. I still have 700 calories left... " you second guess probably what kind of hunger level you are at, and then maybe even doubt that you can do it and go the rest of the day with out those 700 calories because you might do something crazy...like...like...order a pizza! So because you are in a rut, you don't know what to do, and you're confused, you revert to what might feel good and you order a pizza... Then you feel guilty.

I suggest a few things. Keep track of your calories, and the food you intake. When you realize you got a lot of calories left, or still feel hungry just say to yourself... "No problem, I can do this." Refer to a list of healthy snacks you like, or low fat, low cal tasty treats (100 cal version of Oreos, PB on toast.. whatever you like), and have one of those. Maybe when you're done you will feel more satisfied because you ate something, used up some of those extra cals, and aren't feeling hungry or guilty.

I know it's easier said then done, and i might sound all chipper like Mary Poppins, but in reality I have suffered from Panic Disorder, so Ican relate to your feelings very well. I have had those moments of panic and guilt and have made poor eating decisions. I think for many years I maintained a heavier weight because I felt bad and guilty in the same ways you have described above.. Hey we all got our issues, but the best part is that we're all on the forum because we want help.

I hope that may help you out a bit. I totally think you can do it, and the fact that you're telling us all about your experience means you want to find a way to change your habits and thinking. With a little willpower and support from your friends, family, and this online forum I trust that you can make a difference for yourself. You totally deserve it.

Ok - first of all, you have my sympathy. I know you feel awful. But trust me on this - you do not, not, not want anorexia.
Once I had that 'control'. Ended up in a psychiatric hospital that was pretty close to **** on earth, with predictions as to my survival variable.
I'm also OCD and depressive. I know it's hard. But please do not wish anorexia upon yourself. It will kill you. It will destroy your family, your friendships, your mind, your body. Once I thought I 'wanted' it, too. I learned the hard way. Please don't let yourself and all the people who care about you have to learn the hard way too.
x

thanks so much you guys for all the helpful comments.

beginme - i do try to remind myself that the next day i can try again, i just end up failing and then unhappy because i did it again. i try to remind myself that i lost weight before, and i kept to my plan for a long time... but at the end of the day, the food wins.

gothik butterfly - thank you, i will... none of the people i talk to really understand this problem as anything more than "i want to eat" so it'll be nice to talk to someone who knows how i am feeling

Nickyzeekat - thank you for your reply... everything you are saying make sense. i think my biggest problem is that i let myself get too hungry and then go crazy. i did well all day, then i came home and took a nap (college student, haha). when i woke up my friends wanted me to come over and watch a movie, so instead of making something that would keep me within my goals, i went to their house and ordered something. if i had just taken an extra few minutes to eat while i was home or bring something with me, i wouldn't have gone up there and gotten famished and ordered a pizza. the sad thing is that i know this about myself, yet i am still struggling to really follow my own advice.

Me23 - i know i don't want anorexia. it's just that every time i have seen those made for tv movies about it, instead of feeling like "oh that IS bad" i would always feel like, "wow they have more self control than i do. also, one of my best friends used to be bigger like me. then she joined a soccer team and ended up anorexic. now she is over the anorexia, but i can't help but see how good she looks and how well she manages her food and exercise. so in a way, it's not that i want to be anorexic, i just see so many people that used to be and now they are fine AND they are at a healthy weight. but i have to remind myself that they do still battle with it even if i can't see it. it's just hard to say no to something that from my view works. kind of like when diet pills had tape worms in them... sure it's bad for you... but it worked!

Awww yeah I understand. I think you know what to do. Just be prepared and you will do it. I think you're just worried you wont? Maybe this is for nothing? Like it won't really happen? I dunno, i tell myself sometimes that i wont, but i think its that voice that makes me stop staying with a healthy lifestyle...so i ignore it now.

Oh college! I remember those days like yesterday. i too did most of my more indulgent eating during that period of my life. Lots of Chinese, egg sandwiches, decadent sushi, and cheeseburgers. Oh and pizza..PIZZA galore!

Let me ask you now i know this is a weird Q but how are your friends eating habits? Does everyone like to get together order Chinese/Pizza/Thai? Are they skinny, avg, overweight? I am not trying to sound like a stereotypical a**hole, but I would find myself gravitating more towards my more unhealthy friends and bonding over bad eats, and avoiding eating or indulging around my skinny friends. Maybe working out, eating right now is something you can do just for you and do with someone else who wants to eat healthy? I only suggest this bc I remember... how much time you spend with your girlfriends and how social it all is. Sometimes all the skinny girls make you feel bad, and the heavier or unhealthier friends are comfort zones and you just end up feeling quite out of place and in the middle.

Always remember that we all slip...tomorrow is another day!

hey! I can totally sympathize with you, Im in the exact same position right now. You've been doing this a long time haven't you? Ive been suffering from this pattern for a long time, and Im still trying to figure lots of things out. I don't listen when people say its simple, just do it. But no, there are many factors to figure out and everyone is different, so its good that you are showing concerns cause you're obviously trying to figure out the millions of things that dont and could work for you. I sufferened panic attacks, and I still live in a general state of anxiety. First and foremost, I am learning to not correlate my self-worth with food. Even if its been a bad day cuase I gorged on fat foods, Im learning to not let myself have that ruin the rest of my day, because Im human and Im still worth having a good day despite what I ate. Its this black and white thinking. And we also have in common the fact we are both college students (just graduated), thus we are put into this image of students who like to devour junk food, and if you're with friends of course you want to be respectful and fit in this image with them. Its not your fault. This is an extremely difficult task for any woman/man. But the fact that you are aware of this choice you made, and how it made you feel, is just another bit of knowledge you can use tomorrow. It may take a while, but eventually things will click, and you will experience that perfect day of balanced meals. You may find yourself ordering a pizza, but end up only eating one piece and leaving the breadcrust on the plate. It will happen, just believe it. Just keep being aware of your choices, reflect on them, and act upon them the next day. and please don't equate your self-worth to the foods you've ate. Youre a stressed out college student for crying out loud!! You have that right Thanks for posting, its helping me out too.

Also I wanted to mention I believe that the part where you say if you dont have the foods you want, you end up thinking about it for hours, is all apart of that addiction, just like for cigarettes. You're doing great if you can begin the day eating healthy. Tell yourself your strong as **** for doing that bit. Tell yourself its your addiction to these fat foods that keep you lingering afterwards. Have you ever considered joining an OA group? Ive been thinking about it even though I barely have any free time. But I think the fact that you can find a buddy to call when you get those crazy cravings that leave you arguing in your head for a long time might help. It seems to work, and its something Im considering. Or maybe you can just decide to call someone close to you and let them know about your cravings, and maybe you don't even need the OA group. As one member perfectly described it, its like trying to stop a freight train with those junk food cravings. Its all apart of the battle w/addiction. I tell myself if I can quit cigarettes then I can certainly quit binggings/overeating. The more battles you win, the easier it gets, the less you think about it. Keep fighting those little battles. There was a much better suited William James quote I wanted to use but can't find it at the moment, so this one will have to do
"No matter how full a reservoir of maxims one may possess, and no matter how good one's sentiments may be, if one has not taken advantage of every concrete opportunity to act, one's character may retain entirely unaffected for the better. With mere good intentions, **** is proverbially paved. "
William James
Sorry I keep thinking of new things...cause Im in the same process as you (well generally) but when that argument lingers on in your head, it seems you should let yourself become in a bad mood. I think acknowledging that not eating what you want is going to piss you off or make you sad is important. Cuase I know when Im wanting to eat that yummy evil stuff, its cause I wanna get happy. I know its going to make me temporarily happy. SO therefore (at least for the first few days/weeks) Im going to have be conscious that I may be a little pissy and grumpy. But I think this eventually goes away after you make it a habit. Then maybe you get grumpy if you eat that junk food! (this will be me one day!!)

Wow I hope that this relates to you and that I didn't go too out of bounds. Let me know any of your ideas too, Id like to hear them. I need all the advice I can get!

do the best you can do

Some of the best advice I ever got was this: Somedays we go forward, and some days we go backward, but we always continue.

When I heard this, it was like saying it's okay to make mistakes, because we all do. Mistakes are a part of life, whether we'd like to admit it or not. Just remember that it's okay to be wrong sometimes. This way, you are not as likely to beat yourself up over errors we all make, and you will actually start to feel better.