Loneliness & Alienation
 

Please don't get the wrong idea, not trying to start a pity-party here, but it's something I wanted to get off my chest..

Lately, well, nearly all my life.. I've pretty much always felt alienated and incredibly lonely. From probably after Kindergarten (at which time I was outspoken and outgoing), when people started noticing I was a little chubby (and it wasn't so common back them) I stopped having friends and stopped having a social life.

I went from being this happy little kid to one who was ostracized if not hatefully, then by simple exclusion. I would work hard at having friends and be nice to everyone, but it never seemed to work. I always felt like I was outside looking in.

Years passed and I was always the girl sitting alone in the back of the class, sitting alone at lunch everyday and always hoping for something better that never came. Again, I would always try to be social, always try to join other people and I was never really a downer, always hopelessly positive, but it never seemed to work.

I went all the way through high-school and college that way - always excluded. Same in all my jobs - I would try to make conversation and join people, but again, always the exclusion. I would watch as other people were invited out to lunch, and how other peoples opinions were listened to, but mine were just tossed away. No one took me seriously if anyone "took" me at all. I was just "there" but never really "there".

Here I am now, 25, and recently unemployed. They cut back at work (supposedly), so now I'm on the payroll until the 18th of January and I still don't have a new job lined up. I was at my current place of employment for exactly a year. They cited money problems, but they recently hired a new girl to take the place of someone who was there before me and who is a really nice girl, but completely entry-level. I was a little tiffed that I'd been there for a year and after the other girl left I wasn't offered her position. I've been doing administrative work for ages and have far more experience, but she has the better personality.. More outgoing, thinner, prettier, more "presentable".

I would find myself resenting her, not "her" as in her personally, but the fact that she was given all these opportunities for advancement with access to seminars and personal enrichment opportunities, meetings with clients and broader access and free-reign than I ever was. Also, everyone loved her. I can't say a bad thing about her, but I just feel like I was a little bit slighted. (you probably would be too if you'd been working somewhere a year with prior experience and someone comes in straight out of school and makes nearly twice as much as you do, and is praised non-stop and loved by all)

My sister is autistic and sometimes I get this strange feeling that maybe I have "problems" and I'm really mentally ill and socially inept but no one ever told me because they want me to function normally, but everyone I've told this silly theory to thinks I'm insane. I'm married, I've been able to be employed, go through school, etc, but I can't figure out why I'm so isolated from people when I don't want to be.

I can't figure out of it's all about my weight. Most of the time, I don't think about it, and I'm not a negative person and I don't dwell on the negative or act depressed or complain all the time. I feel like I'm kind and pleasant, well-read, relatively intelligent and can hold a conversation on a variety of topics. I am overweight/obese, but at 5'4" and 219lbs, I don't feel like I'm disgustingly heavy or THAT different from the majority of the American population..

I just can't figure out why I'm so isolated. I would love, love, love to have friends and a broad social circle full of activities. I've always dreamt of it, always worked towards it, but it never becomes a reality. Every once in a while, I will get hung up on it and feel tragically flawed. I don't let it show on the outside and I still put on a happy face, but sometimes I just feel SO DARN LONELY and ISOLATED that I don't know what to do..

I see other "large" people with friends, lots of them sometimes. I see people who are MUCH larger than me, MUCH less intelligent than me, etc. but I see them MUCH more loved than me, MUCH more accepted than me, MUCH more taken-seriously than I am.. I just can't figure it out. :?:

Anyway, just a rant..

Wow Kiddo, your post is exactly how I feel. I'm 43 and still haven't figured out why I feel like how you described. One thing I did learn when I was in my late 30's is I have ADHD and thats part of the reason why I can't sit through a conversation or give my comments/insite at work, so I just stay quiet. I am shy because of this and being over weight since I was about 6.

I wish I had the magic words for you but I don't. The only thing I can think of is going to therapy...talking to some one who can look beyond our worlds (for lack of a better way of saying it). I too wish I could be more outgoing and but just don't know how to go about doing it.

Thanks for posting your feelings (not a rant by no means).... I'm really trying to look deeper into myself and your post is helping me dig.

Your such a sweet person, so don't you ever forget that.... we just have to figure a way out of this don't we.

:hug:

Leenie

.

Dear LMM,

Wow, after reading your very well written post, I find myself with many things I want to say to you. I hope I can do a good job without rambling like I sometimes do.

Where to begin. It's not your weight. While there will always be fools who don't want to be friends with big people, it's been my experience that those fools are few and far between. It's not how you look. Your avatar photo shows me a very attractive woman who looks friendly and approachable. That is what I look for in people- friendliness and approachability. There's always the possibility that you don't feel good about your appearance and that might interfere with how you come off around people but judging by your post, I'm hesitant to think it's that.

I have never been a popular girl. In school I was considered an over-intelligent weirdo and I was fat then as now and that was a problem then as you know how looks oriented kids and teenagers are. I am 41 years old now and by no means am I a wise old crone but I have learned a few things. One of those things is that if you have even just one person you call friend, you are lucky. If that person is loyal and will stand by you when things are tough, you are damned lucky.

I have a small circle of friends, two best friends. I try to make more friends and people go on and on about how they like me and I'm so friendly and funny and yadayada but in the end, nobody invites me out for drinks. Or to go shopping. Or for anything. I used to be very hurt by this. I was always checking to see that I was "minty fresh" and that I didn't have some sort of odor problem I wasn't aware of. I really thought for a short period that I must be somehow unfresh (even though I am as clean as they come) because I could think of no other reason why people would reject me!! I thought people were crazy because *I* would choose me for a friend, what was their hang-up?!

Please don't take this the wrong way. You are still young. In your twenties. While most everyone wants to be well liked and have lots of friends, as you get older and find your place in the world (and it changes from time to time) you may feel a bit differently than you do now. You may get a case of the "screw its" and find yourself becoming less willing to be so friendly and less willing to try so hard for people who don't try hard for you. Maybe that's the ticket? I used to be as nice as pie, trying to win affection or at least a lunch date with who I hoped would end up a friend and after a while I decided to stop that. I was really just tired and sore from making the effort for a fruitless outcome. It seemed when I did that, that people started to approach *me.* I don't know what kind of reverse psychology this is but I wonder what would happen if you tried that?

Your theory about the autism and you having a disorder is not "silly" but it doesn't sound to me like it would be applicable to you.

I understand and appreciate the way you feel about your work situation and that seems really low to do someone like that. I know sometimes optimism sucks when you didn't ask for it, but sometimes not getting what we want is a blessing. Maybe there is something better in store for you. I would feel just as you do about it if it happened to me, so I say that with the view of an outsider. Would you ever consider going to the people who hired her and sitting down and asking outright what you could have done that this girl is doing? Why they did not stick with you? If they ask why, you could tell them you are asking because you hope to better yourself or something like that.

I hope I'm not coming off to you or other readers as a know-it-all! That's far from being me. But your last paragraph really spoke to me. That is almost verbatim how I feel often times. I blame it on being picky about who my friends are which is true but heck, I'm not *that* picky! Sometimes it really bothers me and other times I don't even think of it.
I guess what I want to tell you in closing in don't judge yourself or your worth on how many friends you have. This will make you nuts and it won't be accurate anyway. If you'd like to get to know me, just drop me a line! That in no way is a pity offer even if it does come at the end of this post, so please know that. :) And most of all, resist the temptation to get down on yourself about this. People are weird. there's no accounting for them. I am thinking there must be something wrong with *them* to not be approaching you and me!

-Red

Wow...I have to say, I haven't read two more touching posts in awhile. It is such a sad thing that we can't find places in the *real* world to share this fully. I tell you...by Red and LMM's avatars and words...I would be the first to ask them to have coffee and browse a bookstore with me! I don't know why it is so hard... I have a few difficulties finding people who are likeminded... My best friend is my husband and my daughter is #2. I work out alot and would love to have a "fitness buddy" I haven't found them yet but I keep looking! I recommend that you guys just keep looking as well and just know...there are people out here that think you are pretty cool. :)

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread. What really stands out is how positive and supportive you all are!

LittleMissMotivation - I can relate to your feelings so much. I have no female friends, except for my sisters. I consider all of my sisters my friends (and I know that I'm blessed just to have that), and two of them to be my best friends who I can share anything with...and I do. No matter how many 'friends' I've lost over the years and everything I've been through, they have always been there. The bond that I have with them is so deep that if I were to lose them, a peice of me would be gone forever.

RedGlitter – Your insights were very valuable and interesting!

LittleMiss - i can totally relate to what yoru sayign as i feel exactly the same way at the minute. Im 24, moved away form friends and family to be with my partner and near hsi family and nwo i have no one. It is really lonely , i work and have work eqaintances but not friends - i dont go out with them or socialise with them outside of work and i feel really isolated. Bf who ive been with for 5 years doesnt seem to get it, hes out with his friends every few weeks drinking and im sat in doors - i dont think ive been out in over 6 years in any way shape or form other than with my bf or son. So i can totally relate to how your feeling. I hope you feel better chicky and jsut know your not alone.

Love

Sam
x x x x

Hey LittleLost, it's strange - I'm just like you. I too am 24, I moved away from home 6 months ago and I still have yet to make friends beyond work acquaintances. I have a bf I've been dating, and his family, but all my friends are back in another state. I visited with them over the holiday and went out to see movies with them, so it kept me sane. But here... I don't know. It's hard to make friends once you start working and leave college.

LittleMissMotivation - Jeez, what would I say? My bf tells me to join a club, like the humane society (I love animals), but I have a fear of new things and people. It'll only get worse as I get older, so I suppose now would be the time to start correcting that. Thing is, maybe it's something that is affecting you too, but you might not see it? You said you used to sit in the back of the class and alone at lunch everyday. If you had the fear I did without realizing it, maybe you were subconsciously inhibited from sitting at the front of the class or amongst a crowded table. Stuff like that can lead to chatting with other classmates, which then forms relationships with them. You might not see it from your viewpoint, but to others the person in the back of the class says, "Do Not Disturb". Why would they want to approach anyone emitting those vibes?

I'm not trying to point fingers at any one cause, but it might be something to consider. The fear of new people/things is my problem, still is. It just might be yours as well.

After all, I too loved sitting in the back of the class...

Wow. I'm sorry to hear all these feelings that everyone has. I am 25. Been over weight for most of my life except for a brief 3 year period when I was 18. I feel the same way- where I don't feel like I look obese. In my job I am constantly meeting new people and doing presentations. And I am totally fine with it. I think it's because our my self confidence- and I come off confident. I think LMM- that more than anything- you have an issue with sefl worth. I agree that your best bet would be therapy. Most people do have few true blue friends. I can say that I do not. I have my husband. And that's all I need. I do have tons of people that I would go out with for a good time. But ultimatly he is the one that I have the most trust and faith in. I know he WILL be there, not matter what. My point is, LMM, that you have that too. Don't worry about friends. But if you want to have friends- try listening to people when they talk-- and ask questions about them. Seem intersted. You may find that you have things in common with them- then it'll get easier to talk to them... it'll be natural. And before yo know it- you'll be going out for coffee and lunch in no time.

XOXO Good luck to you!

I can relate as well.........
 

I can identify! I've always felt a bit isolated from people. For me it's hard to make friends because I just don't identify or bond well with almost all of the people I meet. I feel that I think differently from the general populace (not better or worse~just different.) I'm afraid to speak my mind most of the time for fear of judgment. So, most people never meet the real me. I'm a work in progress like everyone else and I'm working on it!

DH and I moved to another state at the end of last summer and it's been really hard trying to make friends. I've had to really push myself to get out an do things. I am meeting people and getting out, but I can't say that I could call any of these people and just talk. It's a difficult thing, but I've got faith that we will all meet the friends we need in time.

I guess what I'm trying to get across is you are not alone! You are not crazy!

:hug:

LMM -

Wow. I hope that now you see that even if you are isolated in the rest of the world, you most certainly aren't here! :hug: Your post made my heart ache, because it felt like I was reading about my life, only it wasn't me. Please know that you aren't alone, even though you feel lonely ;). I've read the other wonderful responses, and it made me want to cry to know that so many other beautiful souls had to go through the same kind of pain I did and, frankly, still sometimes do.

I've never been able to make friends easily - strangers always like me better than people I know. I really don't know what it is about me that people don't like :( . I've also really struggled to keep friends. I envy you your husband. I haven't been able to find someone yet who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am glad that you found someone to love who loves you.

I'm doing better now, but the last five years were really horrible (from when I was about 24), and I really didn't feel that life was worth it. Because I got so low, I set out to figure out what WOULD make my life worth it. I knew I couldn't set out to fix it right away, but I committed to take the time to figure out how I COULD fix it. I spent a whole year on thinking about it, and now feel that I have a plan and a goal in sight that could lead to fulfillment and contentment.

One of my biggest struggles is that I was never satisfied with my life, and never took the time to enjoy what I actually have. As an example, I was always remodeling my house - in my mind or in action. I was always buying things to make my house perfect, and then when I wasn't happy with that I would discard it and buy something else. I finally realized that this was just a symptom of a really deep-seated dissatisfaction with myself - a total lack of self-worth. As a result, I was often agry with people who got things (job position, friends, etc.) that I thought should have been mine. That only made things worse.

I also wanted to say something about your thought that you might suffer from some mental condition. Your fears are not crazy, and thinking about it certainly does not make you insane. The little I do know about autism is that it is genetic, and since your sister sufffers from it, it's something to be aware of. I've sometimes thought about being screened for Aspergers, which is related to autism. I have a lot of the characteristic - low ability to pick up on social cues, exceedingly bright as a child, isolated, and unable to interact with people of my age group. What kept me from it was that I've already grown up, and its unlikely that any diagnosis would change me.

I encourage you to get some help from a professional in your area - whether counseling or medication would be up to you and your doctor to decide. I just recently went on anti-depressants, and they have helped me a lot.

Another thing I'd reccomend is to practice compassion for the people who slight you, who bully you, or who exclude you. They are humans with struggles too, and by shutting you out, they are depriving themselves of a beautiful friend who would cherish them and support them.

BTW - your new profile pic is lovely - that color of blue is absolutely stunning on you!

Little Miss - wow loved your post!!! I encourage you NOT to get professional help - there is nothing wrong with you - it just sounds like you hurt. And because you are sensitive this is one of the side effects!!!

I can only say that when you/I/us/we start the "comparing" game - that's when we run into trouble. Assessing yourself and NOT up against others I would bet you would like what you see.

I too feel constantly isolated - like I'm this weirdo or something because I do not say the standard things or SOMETHING - it must be SOMETHING or else there would be this line-up to date me or invite me out......almost like there is this padding between me and other people........HOWEVER I believe enough in myself to develop self-love and respect and to question if I'm saying rotten things to myself automatically. Do you do that Miss - have you felt isolated enough so that you just automatically think "this is going to fail, this person is not going to like me as usual......this person is going to get it......I am a loser.....etc."

Ray

I felt tears comming on reading your post. I just wrote out a blog entry about the same exact thing, in an attempt to work on issues contributing to my weight. You described exactly how I feel, I have never had someone I thought was a true friend who did not dissapoint me. I am 21 and have never had a boyfriend. It is such a difficult problem to talk about. It's difficult to even type out the words "I have no true friends", yet alone talk about it with real people. I am in college (PSU, sort of in your area) and it hurts so much to call a list of aquaintances on a Friday night to have someone to go out with and have everyone be doing something that cannot involve you, or worse yet be included and feel anxious, like you don't belong the whole time. I'm recognizing that I have alot of work to do on myself in order to solve this problem (or at least manage it).

In my case I usually get to the point of a little closer than aquaintance (even casual friend) then feel too comfortable around someone and stop watching everything I say. I then will babble on out of anxiousness and say some things I probably shouldn't. IE we'll be having a chat about her boyfriend thats cheated on her 5 times, I'll tell her exactly what I think (then feel bad about it later) and then feel awkward around her. I feel like social relationships take so much work for me, I need to be very conscious of everything I do, say. IT's frustrating that it is so difficult for me, when it seems to come easy to everyone else.

I am not nieve enough to think that this is not my fault, that there is something wrong with everyone I come into contact with. I realize that it is something I am doing. I believe my lack of confidence contributes to my problem greatly. I've been avoiding social contact for the last few weeks as I've started my diet (trying to deal with one issue at a time). It really hurts that since I've stopped visiting, calling, and talking to EVERYONE I have not recieved one call, facebook message, text or any attempt at communication from anyone besides my mother. This confirms my fears that I have no true friends.

I realize that I have a problem that weight loss will not fix, but I've decided that I want to wait until I've lost a few pounds before I address this issue and try to make friends. I figure loosing 25 pounds, and buying some new clothes will give my confidence an artificial boost, which will make it easier to talk to people. I need to act confident and stop believing that people will not want to be friends with me before I even try. I also need to really watch what I say and not let myself go once I feel too comfortable around someone. I have to accept that it is going to take more effort for me than the next person to maintain social relationships.

I would also like to add that having this forum to vent these types of feelings is really helping me deal with some of the issues contributing to my weight.

The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.

- George Bernard Shaw

What do you like to do? Knit, crochet, read? Maybe you should join a club centered around what you like to do. Just get out and speak to random people and i'm so serious. Just try to exude confidence everywhere you go, fake it until you make it!

LittleMiss . .

I never thought it was truly possible to have anyone else out there almost feel exactly like me (to which I'm both saddened and comforted). I just cried a bucket of tears. How I wish I could give you and all who posted a giant bear hug.

There is so much more I'd like to say . . but I can't stop crying.

One thing I will spit out is . . we gotta be our own best friends. We have to make our lives good enough for ourselves. Because we're the only ones living it.

Thanks for sharing your story. I am 24 years old and feel exactly the same way. In high school and college I had some friends, but for the most part they all seemed to be more acquaintances than anything else. I never really had people I'd hang out with all the time. Occasionally I'd get together with people, but I was never someone who had a group to hang out with all the time. In college I lived with a group of people, but I always felt the rest of the girls were all much tighter with each other than they were with me.

A lot of times I too think I may have some kind of social disorder of some sort that effects the way I interact with people.

But you said you are married, so you must have done something right to win over your husband. I haven't been able to figure that part out yet.

But definitely know you are not alone in this kind of thing.

Hello, all!!

I have read all of your threads here. I am 36 and very lonely too.

My sisters where my best friends and my mother, but my sister died of cancer and my mother followed nine months later. The only other sister I have lives far away and is dealing with her own depression from my mom and siter dieing.

I had a best friend from grade school but we departed recently. One reason that I know of is... she is self-centered and only thinks of herself and what you can do for her.

I have noticed a common trend with some people. If there is no gossip, drugs, partying, etc. then most people I've come in contact with don't want to have anything to do with me. My own husband doesn't include me in on some of his trips off with his friends. His claim is that I don't drink and I wouldn't enjoy the company.

I wish any of you where in Alabama near me, maybe we could hook up or something.

Anyway, just wanted to put a comment out there!

butterfly4011

Sweetie your post seriously brought tears to my eyes. It's so unfair the way we treat other human beings...We go about our daily routine rarely thinking about the effects our actions, or lack OF, have on other people...even people we don't know.

But I will tell you this. Having friends can be wonderful sometimes...But it is not everything. A little background on me...I guess I could say I am on the opposite spectrum as you. In 5th grade I moved to a new school as the "chubby kid" who didn't wear name brand clothes. I was ridiculed on a daily basis. The popular girls would pick flowers, pull the petals off, and rub them into my naturally curly hair. Everyone would laugh at me as I welled up with tears and frantically tried to pick the smushed flowers out of my hair. 6th grade I started losing the weight, and mom started buying me name brand clothes. By the 7th grade, I was a skinny little thing, who hung out with the popular crowd just to escape their ridicule. But I never forgot what they did to me, and I always made friends with everyone who would have me, whether they were popular or not. My best friend was a girl that would never have been accepted in the "popular crowd" because her clothes came from Wal-Mart. Children are so shallow. In high school I was the quirky, funny girl who got along with everyone. I made fun of myself before anyone else could. I distanced myself from formally hanging out with the "popular kids" and my best friend and I just kind of receded into our own little group at school. She remained my best friend until we seperated for college...Which I regard as my fault. I have a problem with staying close to people...I try to break away from them before they have the chance to leave me.

So one night I was at her house...We had planned on going to the same college. I don't know what came over me, but I told her she shouldn't make her decision based on where I go to school. I told her she should go to whatever college SHE wanted to go to. I told her she needed to find her own identity without me, that we wouldn't always be able to be together. I told her she didn't need me as her crutch anymore, that she had grown into an independent and savvy woman. So she took my advice...and decided to go to school 4 hours away from where I was going. When she made that decision...I had another "heart to heart" with her..About how we wouldn't remain best friends..how we would start off coming home to see each other on the weekends, then it would get less and less frequent, until we saw each other once or twice a year... how we would call each other all the time at first, and that would stop also. (Not to say I haven't been correct on that, because I was). I didn't stop berading her about our "future" until I had her in tears. I had successfully cemented her decision to leave, but she promised me it wasn't going to be the way I said it would.

But she moved on, and became quite popular and active at her school, which I am proud of her for. It's what she always wanted...acceptance. And we have slowly lost touch, to the point I barely know her. It's both of our faults for not keeping touch...Though we still swear up and down we are best friends...I haven't seen her in months..and the only reason we got together was because one of our friends from high school died.

My college experience...I remained reclusive and bitter for 2 years. I thought it was pointless to make friends. Friends will drift in and out of your life. You will pour your heart out to them, and they will take it when they go. I started opening up again and made a small group of friends in the art department (my major). A couple of them I would consider to be very good friends...But I haven't really opened up to them the way I could...because I know once we all graduate, they will drift away. I can see it already. And I have began systematically detaching myself from them as my last semester in the art department comes to an end.

But I have no one to blame but myself if I lose them. If I really want to keep in touch, I WILL MAKE THE EFFORT. My selfish human nature will kick in though, and I will expect them to care enough to stay in touch with me. I just have this messed up perception that if my friends move away they somehow instantly stop caring about me. I know (atleast I hope) it isn't true...But it always lingers in the back of my mind and causes me to give up on the friendship. I feel like my worth as a friends diminishes with the distance. They can always find new friends to replace me...They couldn't possibly need me anymore.

*sigh* Anyway, the point of this novel I have just written is that having friends can be just as painful as not having them. I have tried both ways and neither are perfect. I have been surrounded by friends and felt completely alone, and I have been completely alone and felt fine.

HiI I'm so glad this is such a supportive place. I wanted to offer one thought and that is that it is helpful to become the inviter rather than waiting to be invited to do things. If you can't think of something to invite someone to, make it up. Have a tea party, have potlucks etc. One summer I was in a summer program and decided to invite every single person over for lunch or dinner. In order to do that I had to have four people over at a time. It was a blast. People who might have seemed intimidating or very very different became human beings and I realized that they too were shy, or could only be comfortable when they were wasted, or had complex and confusing personal lives. Now I can just accept that some people are too busy or overwhelmed or tired and that their behavior is not simply personal rejection. Best wishes!

I feel this way too. I am a single work at home mom of two girls, ages 4 and 1. It's a very, very lonely existence. I have little, if any, family support. I have a few friends who are busy living their own lives and don't have time to babysit for me or help me with my kids. Their dad isn't in the picture anymore as he walked out on us. I've never felt so lonely in my life and it's the root of my depression and eating problems.

I do have to tell you though, I spent a lot of my adolescence with avoidant personality disorder and agoraphobia and a lot of what you describe sounds like AvPD.

Thank you, Ladies. I have been so embarrassed of my feelings and isolated in my depressive behavior and thoughts. These posts are comforting.

I was motivated to start a pile of laundry that has been growing for a couple of weeks.

Thank you.

LM - I just saw this thread. I don't know if you're still following it. Have you ever been evaluated for Pervasive Development Disorder? This is a group of disorders that are characterized by impairments or difficulties with socialization and communication. Autism is a PDD, as is Asperger's. PDDs frequently run in families and you said you have a sister with Autism. Both my father and I have Asperger's, but he's much worse than I am and has never learned how to function socially. My brother has some tendencies, but isn't really held back by it. Not everyone in a family is affected equally. I was very socially isolated as a child and into my teens. To this day my natural tendency is to avoid social interaction, but I don't like how lonely I feel when I do, so I have learned ways to push through my isolating behaviours. It's very difficult, but it gets easier with practice.

People with PDD often have other symptoms like obsessive compulsive behaviours, ADHD and anxiety. If you can get it somehow, an evaluation and therapy could really help you learn how to work around your isolation and loneliness, no matter what is causing them. I know a referral to a specialist that can evaluate you and therapy is often not affordable, and if you can't afford it right now, you might want to read up on PDD and see if you see yourself there. If you feel like you're hitting close to the mark, there are lots of forums for teens and young adults that might be worth lurking around and absorbing some info from.

BP

Thank you for writing this. I like to know I'm not the only one who has felt this way for most of their life. I also do not truly have friends. I "inherited" my bf's friends when we started dating, but they'd vanish if we stopped dating.

It feels a bit like living a lie, doesn't it? Putting on airs like I don't care, like I enjoy eating alone, like it's not a big deal not having anyone to shop with, and I love going to the movies by myself.

It's comforting to know that others feel the same way. Although to be honest, I can't see it getting any better in the future. It's been like this for as long as can remember, why would it change now?

Me too!
 

Hey ladies--

I came upon this thread last night and I am exactly like you all. All I can say is ditto to all you said-it applies to me, too. I did have some friends in high school but since those friendships broke off, I have not had a true friend! I am 41, so it has been a few years since high school. I would say that one of the girls that went to school with me was not really a true friend, she just seemed to take advantage of me and I let the "friendship" continue because she was all I had at the time.

I have longed to have a close girlfriend to share with but it just hasn't happened. I am fortunate in the fact that I do have my hubby and we have been together since I was in high school, but still as you get older you do long to have a girlfriend to commiserate with-to go shopping with-and share all those girly type things, ya know? Men just don't understand things like clothes shopping and "wow, look at this, isn't it cute?!"

I just wanted to add that after many years of grappling with this, and after my son was diagnosed with Aspergers disorder, I feel that I even though I may not qualify as being on the autism spectrum, I do have some Austistic tendencies. I do feel alienated and that I just don't quite fit in, and I do struggle with the social niceties, much like my son does.

For all it's worth, I just wanted to let you know, that I too, am here and we are all sisters in this!

A big hug to all of you. You deserve it and I wish we could all be friends!!:hug: Don't hesitate to pm me if you would like to chat!

I feel the same, especially in regards to people not taking me seriously. I sometimes feel, even though I'm 26, that I have retained a naive, childlike view of the world that others perceive as immaturity.

Because of my faith, there are conversations I will not partake in, and sometimes I am just introspective and shy... which is perceived as snobbishness.

I find that my closest friends are people older than me, even if it's just by a few years, and who share the same interests. For example, my boyfriend is a nerd like me, and he's also 9 years my senior. My friends from church are almost always in their thirties, with a few exceptions.

I would encourage you to join a club or group of similar-minded people.

Blessings and Peace,
Kate

Littlemiss, thanks for sharing this with us. It probably wasn't easy to write. What strikes me is that every single sentence you wrote feels like things i've written and/or realized about myself before. It's very isolating and frustrating. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away for you. I'm going to suggest a few things for you. First, it's not because you're flawed or something. If someone isn't dazzled by you being you, then chances are the road goes both ways and you wouldn't be dazzled by them either. Real friendship is less about quantity and more about quality. The hard truth is, most people suck and maybe, they aren't even worth you worrying about. Also, don't ever wish you were something else. You are wonderful and unique and brilliantly YOU. Stop worrying about what people think about you. Try to go out and meet people, but don't put the kind of pressure on yourself where you think that they hate you. I spent a lot of time doing that, basically, out of pattern. All through school I was ostracized. I was the "weird girl in black". People threw money at me and called me satan's whore. Later, I realized I tried to hard to make up for that behavior. Now, being just who I am, and nothing else I have a small but wonderful group of amazing friends. Maybe when you find your new job you will meet powerful new people who will love you for you. But if you don't, don't worry, you are not alone, and you will have friends. "tons of friends" are overrated. I would hate to be surrounded by people and not know who was genuine and who was just in it for the numbers.

I'm 19 and I have always been shy and not very social, mostly because of my weight. When I tried to talk to the opposite sex I couldn't, I felt inferior. New years 2007 I made a pledge to transform myself, mentally, physically, and emotionally. So far I have lost 65 pounds, and became more out going! I believe you can do anything!!! :) good luck

I could have written that post myself. I am 25 years old. When I go out in public I see other twenty somethings having fun or young couples and it makes me feel so sad and bitter.

I feel like this is the age that I should be enjoying my life instead of being lonely and sad all of the time. I usually attend school or work to fill in the void but on weekends, holidays and summer I feel terrible. I used to have more friends when I was bigger and assumed that after I lost weight making friends and dating would be easy. Well, I've lost a good deal of weight and I am still lonely and depressed. I know I should try to get out there and make friends but I always assume most people would find me to be strange.

:hug: to everyone.. I'm sending my love out to all of you!

So much was said within these posts that resonates with me and described my life and my feelings.

There is so much going through my mind right now, experiences and recollections that I could write about but it is late and I really need to get going to sleep. But before I go I really want to say that reading your posts brought me so much comfort... I didn't expect to feel so not alone in my loneliness... thank you LitteMissMotivation and thank you everone else... I'm so sorry you're all going through it but it is so comforting to read that I am not alone in this.

Ive spent so much time analyzing my own social experiences and lack thereof, and comparing myself to others.. and I think there is something to be said about appearing confident and coming across like you don't need someone to be your friend... I used to be so desperate for friends because I was always so lonely, and I remember observing one of the few friends that I had.. and she was so socially at-ease even though she was also shy and introverted.. but it was because at the end of the day, she didn't need the friendship from person X. There was a sort of friendly detachment in that sense that she had lots of family who loved her and childhood friends and she also didn't mind being alone, so that when she met someone she really just enjoyed the experience at the present time and I think people really responded well to that. And since she's so easy-going and approachable, I think that also helped.

LittleMiss --

I can identify with what you were saying too; I've had phases of my life, since about 6th grade until mid-college, where I felt very, very isolated, socially inept, strange and unattractive (personality-wise, to others). I too have always been heavy and during these years of relative isolation, my weight exploded to its highest. I always had small groups of friends, some I've grown up with, some I went to high school with, etc. but I too always longed for the broader social circle you described also wanting.

But in hindsight (which is, of course, always 20-20), I don't think it was the weight keeping me from being more social, having more friends, etc. I've thought about this A LOT over the last 5 years, since losing 80 lbs and maintaining that loss and undergoing MANY MANY changes, physical and mental, and I honestly don't think most people would reject a person as a friend because of their weight; and those who WOULD do that are few and far between and anyway, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. I now see that *I* was keeping me from social interaction; I was imposing a feeling of inadequacy, ugliness, shyness and social ineptitude ON MYSELF. I was fat, I hated myself for it, and I hid myself away. I was also perfectly pleasant, I would engage people, but not with my TRUE self and I think people could sense that, sense my discomfort. I was too afraid and too self-hating to really have a personality, to be forceful, to request things (people's attention, respect, time, friendship) and too insecure to think I was WORTHY of those things from others; other people pick up on those kinds of vibes. I'm not saying that is what you're facing; I'm just speaking from my own experiences with similar issues.

In the last 5 years, I think I have grown a lot as a person; getting my weight under control, exercising regularly, eating healthy, finishing college, getting a job, finding a husband, starting grad school is only part of it but those things, proving to myself that I have it in me to accomplish something big and stick with it, even if I haven't met my weightloss goal yet, has given me a lot of confidence. I'm not shy anymore, at all, ever. I say what I think (though always respectfully, with tact and kindness), I feel comfortable putting myself out there and risking making a joke or saying something funny, etc. and showing people my real personality. People react to me SO differently now and I don't think it's bc Im thinner, but bc what I present is genuine. I still have some issues when it comes to interacting with men (except a few, like the fiance), but at least now I actually feel free to express disinterest.

BUT... I do have to say that my "circle" is no bigger than it ever was -- I realized too that I tend to keep people at arm's length most of the time (esp. men, but that's another story) and now I almost prefer it that way. I have A LOT of friends, but only very few close friends still. I've realized that I'm just not the "big group o' friends" kind of person and I've decided life is too short to worry about that.

I don't really have any advice for you because I'm not exactly sure HOW I overcame this feeling of isolation, but you CAN turn things around -- it is possible. Consider what you really are presenting to people -- is that the real you? -- or are they reacting to something untrue you're "putting out there."

PS: That situation at work you mentioned sounds like some bulls**t to me... and I understand your resentment of that girl (even though it's not really her fault).

Qu: Do you talk to your husband about how you feel? What does he say? Personally, as I've always had a small number of friends I felt comfortable being myself with, there was no time when I was 100% friendless, and I haven't shared these past feelings of isolation with my fiance; by the time we met, things had changed for me so much, it was no longer much of an issue.

I have gone through something similar to the work situation you posted. In my situation I still work for the company - but what helped me is realizing that the woman who got the "promotion" goes and gets the manager's dry cleaning, kisses her as* a bunch more and generally is a pretty insincere person.

I tell myself that if that's what they want, no problemo but I will never be that person. If that is what it takes to get ahead in corporate America no thanks!

I felt so lonely and this post has really made me feel alot better. I can relate to everything you wrote and many of the responses. (I read all of them!) Its nice to know I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings either.

<3 You all rock.

Well if I was a bazillionaire I would just find out where you are all from, and send private jets to get you so we could go on a wild Sex and The city Movie type trip to Mexico and we would probably all have a riot together.

To meet me, I am the most happiest, outgoing, friendly, first to say hello person you can imagine..but boy am I a, as one poster put it, "fake it til you make it" person. I was basically an only child and I liked and still do like my own company. I also was a bit of the outcast at school..too smart, too serious, a strict family with not much freedom. I didn't have a weight problem as a child but I think I fell in the "geek" category for sure. I think I liked my own company, and the company of my books and my hobbies for so long, thast suddenly one day I realized I really didn't have a clue how to make friends. And while I have had many really nice "acquaintances", I never had a real friend that I felt I could count on unconditionally, at least not one that lived near me.

BUT..my best friend in the world is a woman I met HERE..in 3FC..ten years ago..in its fledgling years. Back then there were chat rooms, and boy do I wish they would bring them back! We started in chat..moved to MSN, started our own little diet chat group on Yahoo...called Twisted Chicks on a Diet with eight other women from 3FC. We have actually only ever been together in real life three times, but we talk every day. I notice some women have offered you PM contact..take them up on it, you could find someone as wonderful as my friend Val!

Also, two years ago I crashed and burned...I think what it is called is having a nervous breakdown, from a combination of job stress and health issues..and ended up on disability. Once I finally got out of bed and took a shower and decided it was crucial to start developing a social network, I started to look for the things I had always wanted to do. I have always done things alone so signing up for things and going to them alone at first wasn't always a huge issue. I took art classes and tai chi, and met some really nice women! Not bosom buddies but a couple that I call, and have lunch with.

I realized that probably many times people have reached out to me, trying to be my friend and I just didn't understand that at the time. I have been guilty of having people give me a number, saying call them so we can get together again..and I didn't follow through. Now to some degree that is because sometimes I feel almost anxious being out in public, and again for a while it is a lot of "fake it until you make it" which can be exhausting. However, there are how many billion people on the planet...perhaps like me, you may find that if you are really aware of it, there are people reaching out to you. There certainly are in here:grouphug:

Wow your post truly hit me littlemiss. Like you I am very much isolated I don't have any friends and I am 20 and never had a boyfriend. I was a shy kid growing up but I always made friends up until high school. After I left high school going to college my social life went down the drainage pipe. I have no friends literally. I am telling its not about your looks because I have seen people who weigh much more than me with a crazy network of friends. I am an extremely shy person, and I feel like I am missing out on the best years of my life because of this. Since I was a little kid my family had this crazy fear that me and my younger sister will be kidnapped by every person on the street that I wasn't allowed to go out, not even school field trips! So I went to my hobbies to find solace and now thats all I know. I am by no means an expert on advice but don't dare give up. You'll find a new job I am positive you will and you never know when you'll meet a good person who will see how great of a person you are. :hug: