I am feeling somewhat hopeless today, and just need some encouragement, good thoughts, understanding,etc. This is my post from my myspace page. It has strong language that I do not regret, but it's there. I am fortunate to have a very supportive husband and family, but my family lives far away, but I do not want to subject my husband to every problem I have. I do not have any very close friends I can call about this. Aside from the binge described I have been losing weight with seraquel and wellbutrin. I've read about the sex drive side effect of wellbutrin, but when I am depressed, the last thing I feel is sexual...anyway. I just needed to get it out and vent. Any advice, comments, questions, whatever are always welcome. I was diagnosed as bipolar in 2003

Today is/was a very hard day for me. I feel like I am coming unravelled. It is the depressive state of being bipolar, but does it suck serious balls. Part of me worries that I am going to be put in mental institution or something for all that is wrong with me.

It's becoming so encompassing. Today I ate so much food I don't even want to think about it. I wrote it all down in my food journal but have yet to figure it out. I didn't get any joy out of the food I ate or my efforts of exersize. Last night I felt so confused and pent up, worried that everything I know isn't what it really is. That my husband thinks I'm hideous and wants to leave me, that my job is in peril, and that I am not good or tallented...basically that anything negative is amplified and anything positive is simply a figment. I know deep down that this isn't true, but it seems so real and is very hard to get out of it.
Many times I just wait it out.

Tomorow morning I am going to call the Dr. to see if I can get in sooner. I don't think it's the best idea to start a new medication or dosage while on vacation ( my appt is the day before I leave for Vegas).

Today I am more or less numb. This isn't the relaxing I had in mind. I feel lonely but have nothing to say if I called people.

I really feel ****ed up, and that there is no solution. I normally would never say this, but I'd be willing to take a medication that made me gain weight if I would be consistently healthy. I know that there is no cure for being this way, but I'd give almost anything for my lows to not be so low.

My mania is never as euphoric as I hope it would be. Instead, I'm usually irritated, high strung, with thoughts I can't keep up with.

Everything I do at work I second guess, thinking that I did it wrong... but yet I'm afraid to ask questions at times for fear of looking like an idiot.

Tonight was the Roselle after hours thing. I didn't go. I just can't bring myself to act like a productive member or assett to society. I'm even considering going to the ER if this doesn't quiet down soon...it's affecting my life on so many levels, and starting to define my life. This is not what I want.

It's so hard because there is so much stigma attached to any type of mental illness, and it's still so misunderstood . They can't do a blood test for it or anything. It's simply how well I can explain myself.

I was reading about my medications that I take. I do not know if side effects can make themselves known years after taking the medicine or not. It said that Wellbutrin can sometimes make major depression worse, or drive people to suicidal thoughts.

I wouldn't consider myself suicidal, but I can totally understand how this illness or major depression could drive someone in that direction. I would not actively end my life, but right this minute, I don't know how much effort I'd make to save myself, either.

This element is something that I can't talk to a lot of people about. My husband gets upset and threatens to take me to the hospital if I talk about it. I know he's that way because he doesn't want me to hurt myself ( which I won't ), but going to the ER for mental problems seems so much like admitting you're ****ed up hardcore.

Maybe I should just admit that I do have a serious problem, that I am handicapped and learn to work with it rather than fight it.

There are days were I feel really good about myself and my life... but they are so rare.

The other day I could pull my pants off with out unbuttoning them. there's going to be a big after math from all the food I ate today.
I take seraquel and wellbutrin. OF both of these, it seems seraquel is the more villified one...but I am starting to think it's the wellbutrin that isn't so 'well'.

I know that no one who reads this is going to be able to help me. I just want prayers and good thoughts. I'm feeling rather hopeless...I just needed to get it out.

I have only a few words of support for you: Good thoughts and prayers coming your way! Good for you for planning to see the doctor before you go out of town.

I am sorry you are in so much pain. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am not bipolar or married - but the depression and binging and hopelessness I understand completely and go through myself. You sound like a strong person and I hope things improve for you.

My sister in law was on wellbutrin...and it did HORRIBLE things to her. Now, I am not saying it does to everyone, but she was so depressed she was crying all the time, and extremely violent towards my brother. Hopefully they can find the right meds for you and all will be well.

Real...

My prayers are with you -- I'm heading to a psychologist on friday to start to try to take control of my binging, depression, etc. issues because I'm tired of pretending to be okay.

I don't know you but think maybe the medications you are on aren't doing the trick for you -- there are so many out there to trial -- someday you will find the one that makes you calm, in control and feel better -- don't give up.

There are other places besides the ER to go -- do you have a local crisis center? I think they would be better able to understand what you are going through and assist you.


Good luck, take care of yourself and I hope you have good luck at the doctors office.

Hi optical - I just wanted to comment because I've felt hopeless before too. I dont have a lot of help to offer, but there are people around you that love you, you aren't as alone as you feel, your pain is real and you can't bear that burden alone - please keep talking to people about this.

Hi Optical,

I am not Bipolar but I have suffered from depression for many years and this last bout was identified as a 'major depressive disorder'. At the beginning of this last one, which has lasted about 18 months I had many of the feelings and thoughts you are having. It was horrible. The negativitey?sp. about myself and anyting I did was unbelievable. I had no self confidence. My husband did leave and I finally crashed - that is, I basically didn't leave my bedroom and certainly not my house for months. I've been off work this whole time.

I'm not telling you this to whine but to make you realize that you are not alone and you do have you get some help. Although I fully respect my gp I never got a good diagnosis or meds until I saw a psychiatrist. It's a long haul but the sonner you start treatment (meds &/or therapy) the better.

Take care - you're not alone.

I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. I must say that although I don't know your situation and I'm not a doctor, I do know that writing things out, whether it's on your MySpace page, on this forum, or just in a personal journal that no one else knows exist, does help in some way. I certainly hope that you and your doctor can find out exactly what your medicine is doing to you and direct you on the right path.

Please know that you're not alone in this. While I don't have Bipolar disorder, I have been through some of the same things. Everyone has. You're not the first person to go through this and many people have come out on the other side a better person. With the help of your family and husband and doctor, I'm sure you'll get through this as well.

Best wishes and good vibes are heading your way.

I am feeling better since I posted. Tomorrow morning I will call my dr. I moved here a few months ago, so I'm actually excited about pdocs in a larger area. My last pdoc was okay, but I feel that a larger populace means more ppl w/ mental issues.

I am doing better than I did befor I ever,ever got treatment, so I know I'll be ok. It just doesn't always seem that way.
There's more I'd like to say but I'm going to bed now,so g'night all. Your htoughts/praryer/vibes,wishes have helped immensely!!

Heres a nice big hug... don't ever give up... ever... your are unique and worth the effort to get better...

Wow, your post was like reading something in my own head. I have been told I am bp but never by anyone but my general practioner. I need to see some one but have. :hugs: Just remember we're all thinking about you. You are more than welcome to PM me if you want anytime.