Hi,
I went through a nervous breakdown about nine months ago which left me out on the streets for a little over a week. I lost my home, all of my belongings and my job. The only thing I could do at that point was move back in with my family a couple of states away. Since then the doctor diagnosed me as depressed and schizophrenic (I think he now calls it Schizo-affective). I am on Risperdal, Artane and Effexor. I can't seem to find a job where I am living and have been living a sedentary life style for nearly 8 months. In doing so I have gained about 80 pounds and absolutely hate myself.

I would love to go back to the gym but my mental issues discourage me. I no longer feel like "me" any more, I feel like some type of monster. If people knew how messed up my thoughts are most of the time they probably would not even want to be near me.

I'm not sure what to do with myself and feel very depressive and sometimes even suicidal. I've went to therapy and taken the pills but feel that it has done nothing. I don't really have any friends, most of the ones I use to have probably think I am a wacko now. What would you do?

I have been where you are. The thing is, if you end it all you never get to find out what happens. Give the meds and therapy time to work. It is hard work and it does take time. It's great that you are even thinking aboout getting out and working on your health and weight. Make a short term goal like- this week I will walk three days for 20 minutes. Push yourself to do it. Don't try to do too much but celebrate what you accomplish. I used to find joy in just getting the dishes done! It do know how hard it is but it is the only way back from the edge of the abyss.

I agree, definitely keep up the therapy and the pills. Talk to your doctor each week about how the medicine is or isn't helping. It's hard to get the right combo. My aunt who is schizophrenic has to adjust her meds every so often or they seem to lose their effectiveness.
Also keep posting here and visit our Weekly Chat. That's what I did a few months ago when I couldn't do anything but lay on the couch and eat all day. I didn't even want to shower. I would just talk about how I felt, however irrational it was or just get lost in the details of others' lives that were going better than mine. Eventually I was doing maybe one small chore a day and felt like I had accomplished something. Thanks to time and meds the fog has lifted for the most part. Remember, nothing is permanent. You had a life before that was different from the one you are having now. And the future will be different than the present. This isn't permanent.
I saw a show once where they were operating on somebody's brain and the patient had to be awake. They touched one part of the brain and she burst out laughing, then another and she began sobbing. I'm convinced all our feelings are just chemicals and impulses firing up there. Sometimes you get the pleasurable ones and sometimes you get what you are experiencing. Luckily there are drugs to spur on the good ones. Hope you get the right combo and please just ride this rough patch out.

Wow, I could have written this. It was amazing to me how I could not do what I wanted to do - make supper, go for a walk nor could I stop doing other things - lying on the couch, eating. I was put on different meds and started doing Cognitive Behavior Theropy every week with a psychologist about a year ago. Six months later nothing had changed. Then finally about three months ago things started happening - what I'm trying to say is there is hope, you do change for the better. I am no where near 'back to being myself' but I think I can see the light.

Remember there are a lot of people here at 3FC to support you.
Hugs,

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have been thinking about walking for a couple of days now. The only place I walk now is up to the store and back, which is maybe a quarter mile. That can't do much good, especially when I walk there for a snack or drink. How effective do you think walking a mile a day would be? Should I try more?

I haven't been to therapy in about two months now. I honestly felt very uncomfortable while at therapy. I'm not quite sure why I felt that way but I am pretty positive that I have social anxiety.

I also take part in a forum for suicidal people. They often say that "things will get better", but after dealing with horrid thoughts for so long I feel pretty much hopeless. I think it is our society that makes me feel this way. Most people strive for money and material things while I feel that it's a sad and empty life. I know some have much more to live for, but it seems like that is all my family lives for. Greed.

I wish I would have more to do. I usually eat off of paper plates and have quick meals that are usually re-heatable in the microwave. So as far as chores go, taking out the garbage is about the only thing for me. I feel awful pathetic being 25 years old and living with my mother again, I really do.

I have tried to get off of my meds three times now. Each time has resulted in a relapse. However I am now completely off of Effexor, which in my opinion caused some of my weight gain and made me feel like a zombie. Doctor is going to be pissed, i just know it. There are so many reasons I am depressed that It is just insane. One day I hope to snap out of it.

It is good to hear from someone that does not feel like themself. I have a problem where I think horrible thoughts towards people, whether they be strangers or not. I HATE IT, but it has become part of who I am now. I never use to be like this. I wish I could over come it and just be me again. I was a quiet, humble, nice person that made people laugh (though I believe my sense of humor was often immature and goofy). Anyways, Thanks for the support everyone. It is very nice to be heard and understood.

you're not a horrible person or a monster. none of you are. things happen to everyone. but the person inside is not affected. it could be anyone else if the fates were reversed.

I know you might feel like the person you are deep down is the monster, but there are alot of physical reasons that you may be thinking these things. If the body is not healthy, the mind is affected. The mind is not separate from the body.

just positive changes, small steps. Keep searching and keep trying. Just never give up.

One tip from me: research eating foods in thier natural state. avoid pre-packaged, bottled, canned, and boxed foods. keep researching. keep looking for natural answers. Our society is full of poisons. Things our bodies were never prepared to handle.

I just want to say, I have been through something similar, though the only difference is, I didn't end up on the street, I had somewhere to go already. I lost my job, my marriage, my friends, and pretty much did absolutely nothing but stay in a deep dark hole for about 6 months. I took the drugs, I went to therapy (hated it). After a while I did get a new job but it zapped me of all of my energy just to go there and I lost that job after 6 months. I had social anxiety big time. I have no friends now where I live, but I have another new job (this is the third one since my breakdown), I'm off my meds (after 3 years) and things really are finally getting better and I'm not so afraid anymore. The aftermath of my breakdown cost me 3 years of my life but now I'm finally REALLY out of it.

I want to add that I was this ** close to killing myself. I thought about suicide all the time, it seemed the only solution to all of the big mess that was my life. But I didn't. I'm still here. And things DO get better.

Maybe you can find a different therapist - I know my new one made all the difference.