I stopped going and I've been eating whatever I wanted, whever I wanted and how much I wanted. Recently, it just got to be gross. I was living on ice cream and breakfast foods and I felt nasty and sluggish. I knew too that I was slowly gaining weight. So I went on a diet. I ordered a prepacked food delivery plan and did it for one week. At first I didn't think I lost anything but then realized I lose 3 lbs. But I knew I couldn's stand living entirely on prepackaged food so a few days ago I started to formulate a new plan.

But I've also started binging. I've gotten depressed and anxious and scared. I can't explain why. I'm agitated. And all I can think about it food. I FORGOT ABOUT THIS!!! I forgot that whenever I try to do a restrictive diet, I go all binge-o-matic. Now I have to figure out how to humble myself back to OA. I have to figure out what my trigger foods are again (so far I know a ice cream, pizza & breakfast foods). I need to allow myself to eat what I want (sans triggers) but to eat only when hungry and to stop when full. AND/OR I need someone to commit my 3 meals and 2 snacks to (do people do that here? commit their food?). And I need to find an exercise that I don't hate that I can do 1-2 a week (to start). Those things were sane to me at some point and, though it makes me want to binge to have any sort of structure to my food, I can do them with support. But I know I can't do a restriction diet. That makes me binge. I hate this.

Soulnik, I'm with you! LeaLee gave me some great advice yesterday. She suggested that I keep a food journal and said she keeps her calories around 1500 to under 2000. That at first sounds horrible to a dieter's ears! That's WAY too many calories, but I did it yesterday. I had just under 2000 calories but I DID NOT BINGE for the first day in I can't tell you how long. I did not restrict foods and I ate till I was full. Today I woke up feeling so much more in control. I know I want to eat less but it's like I've given myself permission or at least not tried to restrict myself. I have a streak in me that when I'm told "no you can't" I say "to heck with that" and go to extremes the other way (bingeing). I'm always trying different diets, you name it, I've done it. I rebel on all of them. But yesterday I felt ok. And today, I don't have that agitation and anxiety. I know I"m ok this morning. No more 1000 or 1200 calories for me. No more low carb or raw foods or vegetarian or you name it diet for me. I'm going to eat within a reasonable, livable guideline. I sort of feel like I have a freedom this morning. I know it's only been a day, but my gosh, I couldn't get thru a day without bingeing before this!

Idrial i am SO SO glad my advice helped you! I smiled reading this post because I know that powerful feeling you feel today

Soulnik~as she said I keep a journal and try to keep my cals under 1500 but will NOT go above 2000. The average person burns 2000 cals a day with no exercise so if you keep it below that number you will lose, it will be slow but you will lose. Add exercise and you will burn more than 2000 a day and lose faster and raise your metabolism as well. For me I write good choice foods in green bad choice foods in red and Calories in blue. IF i go over 1600 I start writing EVERYTHING in red. It shows me at a simple glance how I did that day. I also write my good accomplishments at the bottom. Such as what exercise i did, what food demons i beat, how many days binge free and how many days in a row of exercising. So far I am 6 days Binge free and 5 days consistant exercise. Just keep your notebook pens and calculator in the place you prepare your food. If you want a bad food eat it BUT keep your serving size normal and add the calories BEFORE you eat it. As I told Idrial I beat sooo many food cravings just by simply seeing that number blow up from 700 to 1000 when I add a snack cake or something. Add plenty of vegetables to your food every day as well, I eat one veggie with every meal except breakfast now Stock up on 100 calorie snacks packs as well. That is my best buddy I eat 3 meals and eat 2 snacks a day and I am NOT hungry and I am IN CONTROL. YOU Can get control too

Thanks for the advice. You ever just feel like you're just not gonna get it together? Today I just feel so crazy. I'm eating like it's my job. And even the thought of preparing food, planning or counting anything makes me want to jump out of my skin. But I know that I feel worse from the last 2 1/2 days of binging than I have in a long time. I feel worthless and stupid and sad and ashamed and alone and tired and angry and scared. How do I even get to the place where I can even THINK of counting calories and writing my food down.

My mouth is all gummy and sticky from all the sweets I've eaten. I feel gross. I am trying really hard not to say bad things to myself about myself.

I've been in that exact place. I couldn't even look in the mirror without feeling utterly disgusted and wanting to jump into bed and stay under the covers for the rest of my life - only after raiding the kitchen of course. You know what I did to nudge me out of my slump? I went and did things to make me feel better about myself. Things that I was always telling myself I would wait to do until I lost "insert # of lbs here". Well I went and got a hair cut, highlights and my nails done. I also agree with and highly recommend the food journal, as long as you are 100% honest no matter how much you eat - it can help you identify triggers. Stay positive, we can do it!

Soulnik, how are you doing today? Hope it's going better for you!

Soulnik, I just wanted to welcome you and send you a hug.
We've all been where you're at, hon... you're not alone. Please feel welcome to post your food and exercise here, and we'll help you as much as we can.

Well, today I didn't eat anything healthy but I didn't binge. I feel like an idiot for not dieting and I still feel out of control. I feel like I couldn't choose to eat anything that wasn't filled with sugar or fat. I am sitting here now thinking about what crappy thing I can eat that is as far away from diet food I can get.

I am taking LaeLee's advice and at least writing down what I eat. No calories, just the items. Whatever that means. Actually, I did have fruit at a work function (but only because I was too ashamed to eat anything else). I also went to the grocery store and bought flavored Special K instead of Fruity Pebbles (I binge on cereal...I figure I should binge lighter if I binge at all). I also bought salad and 100 calorie snack packs. And I went to the book store to by Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating by Geneen Roth because I read it years ago in college but it's out of print. I guess I need to give myself some credit for doing some positve things today. Sigh.

And thank you for all of your posts. I really feel supported and encouraged. It means the world!

What does it mean to commit your food (or commit your eating) to someone? That sounds like an interesting concept that I might be able to use.

Soulnik, I understand about feeling ashamed of lack of self-control re eating, but you know what? It's just a waste of time. All it does is take you down. Let it go, and move on to getting back to doing what you want to do in life, and remember that part of what you want to do is be slim. When you're feeling low, get off the couch and walk somewhere or put on some music and dance to it, or do an exercise video. Even if it's just for 15 minutes at a time, those 15-minute sessions add up.

You don't have to have all your food triggers etc figured out to get back to eating reasonably. You can forge ahead with eating reasonably while you're deciding that. Or just say that restricting your foods is the trigger and instead of restricting, focus on healthy eating. Eat your 5 servings of vegetables/fruit before you have a treat, and keep that treat within the limits of your daily intake. Once you've eaten all the veggies/fruit, you're going to be less hungry, no question. Instead of junk cereals or even Special K, go for breakfast foods with fiber to them: Cheerios, bran cereals (Kellogg's Bran Flakes taste even better than Special K, IMO), oatmeal, whole-grain waffles and pancakes.

And about the book that's out of print, try your library. Even if your local branch doesn't have it, you can ask them to get it for you viw Inter-Library Loan. If you want to buy a copy, both Amazon and Barnes & Noble carry out-of-print books online.