[MyThreeTots]

...about their weight. Or at least, self-perception.

I'm on a posting roll tonight.

The more I think about all this, the more I think it's really about pain and not about pounds. Do you ever think, "Once I'm skinny I won't have to feel this pain anymore"? I do. But then I was thinking about this one woman at my son's parent participation class. (It's sort of like Gymboree, but the parents run it.) She is stick-thin. I mean seriously, basically anorexic-looking thin. Even her face is all angles. Her calves and thighs are the same size. Stuff like that.

Well, whenever I see her there she's saying, "Oh, the kids' snacks look so good" and then complaining that she keeps trying to be "good" but failing and that's why she can't keep her weight in check.

(?????????)

For a long time, it annoyed me terribly. I thought: If you want to go fishing for compliments with such obviously ridiculous statements, how about you DON'T go to a fat person for them, and hurt her to the core???????

But I have realized something. I think she really does think she's fat. I think she is still focusing on her weight in order to avoid thinking about other stuff. Just like us COEs do. For all I know, she IS a COE. For all I know, she's bullemic...I mean she is thin, sickly-thin, the kind of thin that doesn't look like the person's body naturally wants to be that way...AND she focuses continuously on food. She can't even stop talking about food even at a toddler's playgroup, for heaven's sake.

I'll tell ya what. If we're going to feel terrible about ourselves at 105 (or less), why not just forget the whole "feeling terrible" thing and feel okay right now? Not like we're in a holding pattern. Not like we'll do such-and-such or we'll feel such-and-such a way AFTER we lose the weight. Because maybe we won't. Not unless we really heal what's hurting us. I always thought I wanted to be super-thin (and at one time I was), but seeing this woman in action has reminded me how incredibly, inutterably painful it is to be starving 24/7. To think "I'm still not lovable..yet. Maybe in five more pounds." To heck with that. I'm going to re-assess my goal. Maybe I don't want to be stick-thin after all. Maybe wanting to be ridiculously thin, is the cause of me being so ridiculously fat today!

[shaley]

having been on the other side of the fence, i have to say that you are probably right. even when i was stick skinny, i would look in the mirror and see fat everywhere. i think its some form of dysmorphic disorder. so all i would see was fat. i would constantly obsess about food. it got to a point where i had to make sure i was putting out what i was putting in. i was an expert on laxatives. i knew which ones worked the fastest. i have tiny scars on my base knuckles on my right hand - purge scars. you get them from your teeth when you make yourself throw up too much. and through all this, i thought i was fat. i actually received the "fishing for compliments" quote quite a few times. and this would make me feel worse. i mean, why couldn't these people see that i was fat and do something to HELP me. why were people so mean? but of course, i wasn't fat. but i was sick. so sick, i was contemplating suicide to end the suffering, the madness. after a while, i realized i was about to be "caught", so i turned away from the purging. it was the hardest thing i have ever done, and to this day... the thought still crosses my mind. yeah, it could be SOOOOOO easy to lose the weight. really, really easy... then i have to smack the devil off my shoulder i really think i was given my daughter as a second chance at life. i know that i have to change my head so that she can grow up healthy and confident because she had a strong role model. its going to be hard, and i don't yet know how to do it. but, i know i have to try. so, being here is my first step. i'm not as heavy as some here, and not as thin as some, but i am in just as much emotional pain and turmoil.

i don't know where i meant to go with that diatribe. maybe i just needed to spill it. maybe it has meaning in it somewhere. i don't know. but there it is. maybe i'm just being a post fiend today. but thats my story and i'm sticking to it (whatever "it" is )

kindly,
s.

[ellis]

Originally Posted by Unholy_Cow

If we're going to feel terrible about ourselves at 105 (or less), why not just forget the whole "feeling terrible" thing and feel okay right now? Not like we're in a holding pattern. Not like we'll do such-and-such or we'll feel such-and-such a way AFTER we lose the weight. Because maybe we won't. Not unless we really heal what's hurting us.

Great post, hon... thank you for sharing.

Susan, sending you a big hug. It's hard "spilling your stuff", but it's part of the healing. You're doing great, hon... hang in there.

[MyThreeTots]

Originally Posted by shaley

and through all this, i thought i was fat. i actually received the "fishing for compliments" quote quite a few times. and this would make me feel worse. i mean, why couldn't these people see that i was fat and do something to HELP me. why were people so mean?

kindly,
s.

Yes, exactly. That's what hit me: She wasn't looking for a compliment. She was looking for someone, anyone, to see her. To really see her. I'm glad now that I never said anything (though I never would have anyway). It was my own jealousy talking. Until I realized there was nothing to be jealous about with a woman who suffered every single day, hoping somebody was going to love her. I feel very bad for your story. I was there too, except anorexic, not bullemic. It's ****. I know how bad it is. I am so sorry you have been through so much pain. Nobody should ever be in that much pain.