Hi! My name is April and I have been reading through some of the forums on this website. And I felt the need to tell my story in this forum b/c I think I do have a problem but I am not exactly sure what it is. I am hoping that someone on here will be able to help me out and maybe possibly offer a little advice.

I seem to go from one extreme to the next. Its like for a month sometimes 2 I obsess over not eating...Like I will only allow myself to eat one meal a day..and thats it. ANd I will exercise like crazy...spending 2 hours on the gazelle for instance.

Then I will jump over and begin to eat again--all of the time--and the exericse will slow down dramatically. Like right now I do 1/2 hour on the gazelle and thats it I have dropped everything else. Right now I am in this phase and I hate it. All I seem to think about is food and what I am going to eat next. I try to fight the urge to get something to eat sometimes but its like some unseen force takes over and I feel that I have to go get something to eat. Half the time I am not even hungry yet I feel that I need to eat.

I am not at all happy with myself..with the way i look...with this whole issue of going from eating whatever to barely eating and then back again. Its a vicious cycle which I feel so out of control of.

I feel like there is no one in my life now who I can turn to to talk about it b/c they would tell me to just "snap out of it" when its not that simple. That and people in my family--like my mom--would blame themselves for my problems...I know this and thats why I keep my mouth shut.

Still sometimes it is hard to laugh....hard to even smile...when there is hidden pain behind that laugh and smile...Pain unspoken but shining in my eyes....smiling on the outside but dying on the inside.

I am so confused that sometimes I wonder if I am not loosing my mind...

I thank you all in advance for reading this and for any and all advice.....

Hi April and Welcome to 3FC's

I'm glad you feel comfortable here, it really is a great site and the ladies here are so caring and supportive.

This is just my opinion but it sounds like to me you are putting alot of stress on your body during the months that you only eat one meal a day and exercise like crazy.
It sounds like your body is trying to tell you something when you start to eat again. Another words you can only go so long before you'll crash.

My suggestion to you is to balance yourself out and be consistant. Instead of packing your calories in at one meal and exercising like crazy, why don't you go slow. EXAMPLE: Eat 3 meals a day w/2 snacks. Like this: Breakfast 400 calories, Lunch 500 Calories, Dinner 500 Calories and then have two snacks a day at 100 calories each. Exercise 30 - 40 minutes a day instead of 2 hours. Hopefully by doing this you won't burn yourself out.

By the way, you just can't snap out of it. You need to learn to eat properly and take care of your body. Its a struggle thats for sure, but aren't we worth it ?

One day at a time sweetie, you can do it.

Hugs !! Leenie

Hi April

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I have so been there, the frustrating struggle to try to find balance when on one hand I want to eat whatever I want without consequence, but also I want to be healthy and strong and fit, not to mention slim.

I have recently discovered OA. I know it's not the only way, but I'm loving it. It's helping me understand why I eat the way I do, and I'm learning from people who are just like me how to find my way out of this mess I'm in. I find it such a relief to be around people who think like me and can show me a better way.

Maybe consider checking that out? There are many different ways to do it. I can only suggest what's working for me...

(((hugs))) to you sweetie

Leenie and Cackydoodle thanks for the advice it is much appreciated. Its nice to finally have a place to go to where I can talk to people who understand what I am going through. It is a viciuos cycle and one that is not going to be easy to break...its just going to come down to having to take things one day at a time. For some reason in my mind I sometimes think eating one meal a day is fine but the 3 I should be eating is eating too much. Not really sure why either. And during that time I will feel hungry b/c obviuslY i am not eating anything except for small low calorie dinners. The hunger pains actually give me a sense of control during that time.

Of course that lasts awhile then I switch sides and eat whatever...its almost like a light in my mind switches.

I know its not healthy and thats why I am looking into changing things....before I do worse damage to my body.


Ok this may be a stupid question but what is OA?

sorry Overeaters Anonymous. You can get more info including meetings in your area at www.oa.org I also go to online meetings at www.therecoverygroup.org

Oh ok Now I get it....cool thanks for the info. I will have to check into it and at least try the online meetings for now.

April, welcome!
I'm so glad you've found us here. There's a lot of great info, and great support.

You're not losing your mind, hon. Well, no more than the rest of us. I can completely relate to your "happy on the outside, miserable on the inside" thing. A friend once told me that I'm the happiest depressed person she's ever seen.

Have you ever considered seeing a therapist/counsellor/etc? It's wonderful talking to someone who has no connection to your "real life". That's one of the reasons I love coming here. No one here "knows me", but they "know me REALLY well!" If you know what I mean.

In any case, we're here for you anytime.