Morning everyone!

Kat-How was your romantic vacation getaway?

Tracy- Your doing what you can ODAT and eating healthy is awesome? What do the kiddos want for Christmas?

Vanessa-Do you have to work today? I was hoping Christmas with the Cranks would be great. We saw National Treasure, which was okay and definitely a distraction for 110 minutes, but just good. Good is the enemy of great

Jessie-Glad you had such a good holiday I can read your enthusiasm right through your fingertips.

Jenelle, Sandi, Skippy and the rest of the lurkers

This morning I have a 10-20 minute share to give at a HS. Part of me last night was feeling a little desperate about it. Here I am 32 years old and my father can push all my buttons (of course he sewed them on so why not ) Then I thought of all the gifts program has given me. Last night when I needed to vent it all I called. Afterwards I was able to just sit and cry. No more shame needs to come from crying.

So I think I will talk about being a teenager and when my developing body started to betray me. The attention I got and did not know what to do with, still do not know what to do with. My self-fullfilling prophecy of fatitude. How I hold to hope because I know I have a program that works when you work it. I have a place of acceptance and understanding, and that ODAT is the only way to live.


Chris

Jessie!! Happy belated birthday!! WOW!! Your parents did you RIGHT! Please tell them my birthday is in June. I'm so glad you're finding support and peace and all that good stuff. The new job sounds like fun.

Chris - I'm so glad you made it home safely - I'm sure your nerves are shot!

My weekend was good. I've got a cold now that's killed my appetite, which I see as a good thing. Overeating has a habitual component for me.

Even with the cold, I exercised this morning, which I feel good about. This week is busy - gymnastics, volunteering at church, and Matthew has 2 head-check appointments. And I need to start my shopping in earnest. So I shouldn't have time to graze in the pantry, thank HP.

Love the lovely girls. Ya'll take care!

Hey ladies.

It's time I start posting instead of just reading. I hear myself in so many other people's words here that I am just amazed. As isolating as an eating disorder can be, it is an incredible bond that we all share being able to understand what each one of us is going through. ED sufferers are such dynamic, compassionate (yet often self-centered!) individuals. We can gain so much strength and comfort in sharing with each other.

Hehehe among many of my other problems I also suffer from verbal diarrhea...

Today has been a bad day. Just the same as yesterday. And the day before. ... And the past eight years or so I suppose. Ok well it hasn't really been bad but I've gotten myself once again stuck in this comfortable but oh so frustrating rut. I know when I'm going to have "one of those days" because I wake up with what I like to call, "tunnel vision". I walk around the whole day in a haze, not really seeing anything (other than my daughter) not really feeling anything. And then my day seems to revolve around an unending binge/purge cycle. And of course Chloe... I feel like the shell of the person I once was.

How do you get yourselves out of such ruts? How do you ignore the gnawing hunger and buckle down and DO what needs to get done? My house is such a disaster and I just can't seem to get it under control again. Before I had Chloe, I was such an anal retentive about my house being clean and orderly and now I am lucky if I shower twice a week. It's just incredibly depressing to wake up every morning to piles of dirty dishes and laundry. I feel like such a terrible mother.

I am at the point again where I know I am in crisis mode. I gained 50 lbs during the pregnancy and in the four months since Chloe has been born I have lost 65. And damn if I ain't proud of it! But my mind refuses any thoughts of seeking help. That little nagging voice that says "you can stand to lose a little more" or, "wait until you're down to your goal weight to get help". Amien, if you are reading this I know my thoughts echo your words almost exactly from your post. I know this is a common thought for those of us who are struggling with EDs. I also know, this is probably THE hugest hurdle for me to overcome before I can get into recovery.

The other thing I also know is that despite the fact that I COULD really stand to lose a bit more weight I know any attempt to do so in a healthy manner would send me straight into another anorexic stint. I don't believe there is such thing as healthy dieting or weight loss until you are recovered from an ED. Or at the very least, in recovery. For now, this is a much too precarious perch atop which I sit, and to try and modify my current 'lifestyle' would send me toppling down. If I could only worry less about my house and spend more time loving my daughter....

GRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Tomorrow morning I am going to lay in bed abit before I get up, gather every ounce of energy and strength I possess and finally, get my sh*t toghether!!! One baby step at a time, right? Please somebody, pray to the laundry and vaccuum gods that I get something done tomorrow!

K guys, tell me all about your Higher Powers and how it has helped you. Hopefully I'll be able to report back later with better news.

Take care everybody,
Dietrie

We're back and it was fabulous! What a great weekend we had - wish I was still there.

Welcome, Dietrie! I was not able to get out of my cycle of COE and self-hatred until I started regularly going to OA meetings and working the program. Have you looked in to OA?

Tracy, good for you for working out!

Chris, I really related to a lot of what you said.

I am going a bit nuts with this extra weight I put on from the summer. Fighting back a lot of self-hatred. I haven't had to deal with it in so long and here it is again. Anyway, it's coming in waves and I am taking it ODAT (one wave at a time ).

Talk to you all later.

Morning ummm afternoon ladies

I think my talk with the HS went okay, I felt like I was all over the map because more than anything I wanted to tell them, "Find recovery NOW, because at 32 I am still the same age as you". I could see myself in everyone of them. The problems are still the same, the world closes in and you feel like no one understands. Feelings are not reality, but you get to have them anyway

I called in sick to work, I thought calling in overstimulated probably wouldn't be understood. Next time my family has the day off and I feel I got to run right after a vacation remind me that I need down time. I have to have it or mentally lose it. My family is gone to work and school today, all the blinds are shut, no blaring TV's, just peace and the sound of my own breath. Noise sensitivity has been really bad lately and it seems like I hear everything, there is no filter. But the noises that will drive me the most nuts are repetive ones. My pager vibrating over and over two rooms away and I can hear it when it goes off Sudden noises have me really jumpy too. Its like my nerves are just overwrought.

Kat- I hear you on the extra weight thing, I am trying so hard to just try to listen for that next right thing without bringing the obsessive behaviors back. This week no candy bars and letting go of baked goods. Still not ready to give up the ice cream that is kicking my booty. Absolute panic there, I pray for the willingness. It helps me alot to not get overfull, the second I am overfull I want to purge, and I think the amount of food I can eat before I feel that way is alot less than other people. So I am trying to get in tune with that too.

Dietrie- How often I could have written what you have. People of extremes that we are. I think one of the things that is bothering me right now is that my room isn't clean. One sacred space for me. Taking it slowly is a beautiful thing. I am going to make my bed. Keep it simple and easy does it. I missed out on alot of years with my son between my food obsession and college. Hold that baby close, you blink and they are grown.

How has HP helped me? There is a famous Indian fable about catching monkeys. What you do is you put some nuts in a jar and the monkey will reach in and grab them and then find he can't get his hand out of the jar. Well the monkey can if he lets go of the nuts. Without HP I am the monkey with my hand in the jar, otherwise I can be present in the moment, accept the day as it comes, and know tommorow is already taken care of because God is already there. Somedays I am still the monkey and I pray for at least the willingness to let of the nuts. HP is about being honest with who I am today, seeking the inner voice mwhich is the spiritual journey. Also HP lets me have what addicts crave, a routine, steady world without expectations. When I take that moment in the morning to pray and read my "For Today" and "Voices of Recovery", breathe and ponder what it means in silence that one moment is all about God for me. A gift and a miracle.

Tracy-overeating with a habitual component, right on girl me too. Sounds like a busy week. Should we be concerned for Matt or are these routine visits?

Much love to all
Chris

Evening ladies! It's crazy how November has went by so quickly, and within a month, I've had more "ups" than downs. I'll never brag on it, ED behaviors and in general are so sporadic in nature. I can't remember a time when I had a good solid month of "ups" or "downs". Work is super busy this time of year, alot of people want to start getting clean for the holidays so our daily intake has been nuts. In a way it's good to see them getting help, but we simply do not have enough counselors to provide therapy. I guess it is the money they want when it comes down to it I have to work Saturday, and sucks because it's my birthday! I get off at 11am, but I still have to be up by4am! I'll take it in stride I suppose
Welcome Dietrie! I'm recovering from anorexia so I can't really give you any pointers on over-eating But in general, we share the same charaterstics(self destruction, restriction). We just can't let food rule our lives, I'm tired of being a puppet, with food dictating my every action!
Chris-I had yesterday off! LOL Only because I have to work Saturday. I love your little Monkey fable, it totally makes sense! We just have to let go! Easier said than done I know, but I find it comforting that you have such warming and optimistic thoughts!
Kat-I'm glad you had a great weekend! How's the weather in LA?
Tracy-I'm glad you exercised despite your cold, that gives me inspiration! And I'm with you on the xmas shopping, I've did none!!
I'm off to sleepyland, Sleep well my friends!
Love
Vanessa

Hi Ladies, welcome Dietrie! Thank you for joining us. Ugh, my house is a wreck too, and it's depressing. I can't seem to get ahead, DH won't help - keeps bringing speakers home from thrift shops and filling up what little space we have. I hate clutter. Contributes to the feeling of wanting to purge.

That's interesting, Vanessa, I'd never thought of your work as "seasonal", but that makes sense! Sorry you have to work on your birthday.

Chris - I'm getting my haircut at 4:00 today, and I'm so looking forward to an hour without the kids, getting my head scrubbed by someone else. Your day of peace sounds wonderful. I hope it helped!

I'm going to clean up a bit today, go to church, do my stuff there, and enjoy my haircut. Then hopefully workout later. I will eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Bye grrls.

Well I called in again. If self improvement is masturbation, what is self destruction? When I probably should have sat and found my feelings and cried my little eyes out yesterday I did alot of pushing away and rebeling. I played video games in an obsessive manner and refused to sleep. In fact dug in my heels about taking meds yesterday, so here I am with a cough from too many cigarettes, regret about how I spent my day, and a headache.

Today has so far "act as if". Act as if I am sane. Bed is made, meditation done, new clothes set out, prepared for DBT and therapy tommorow. Next will be the methodical process of forcing myself to eat, shower, and leave the house. Self harm thoughts were high yesterday and though they remain high have settled into ways I can manipulate food. The sort of sick desperation that leads to the "Slim Fast" diet

Tracy-You make me grateful that I have a DH that loves me. Yesterday I felt overwhelmed by the house and he just did it. No its not the way I would have done it, but at least it is picked up. Enjoy your time for your haircut. Eating till I am full, what a concept. YGG! ODAT!

Vanessa-Cleaning up for the holidays? So what, we can look good for our families for 2 seconds every year? The holidays are the worst. I have finally decided to skip Christmas. After all the Thanksgiving pressure, screw Christmas. Shopping is as done as it is going to get, and no trees or excess food at my house.

Sorry you have to work on your birthday, but now your birth has a purpose huh JK. I am so glad to know you, you pick up on the positive when I am ahving problems seeing it. Just let go, I said it, now act it

Hi everyone! and a for us. ODAT and its doable. The outcome is that if we trust and be honset the path will become much clearer.

Chris

Well hello again ladies.

Forgive me for a bit while I ***** and gripe... I wish my house had a self-cleaning switch on it. Like many of your SO's, my fiance is a little useless when it comes to housework... when I utter the word he goes running, just the same way the dog does when I say "bath".... Even though it's almost 3 am and I JUST put Chloe to sleep, I am determined to get this galdanged house done TONIGHT. I figure, my sleep is messed up enough, whats one more night if I finally buckle down??

But OY my child and this constantly throwing me for a curve ball when it comes to sleep. I love her though... I can only stay annoyed for two seconds, and then I look at her and can't help but smile.


Lately I have been working on my accountability. I have tried being more upfront and honest with people. One big problem I have had lately is keeping dates and appointments. I keep cancelling on everybody and I feel terrible when I do it. I guess people are more understanding now that I have a baby to think of as well, but I still feel badly. Just with Tim's grandma passing away and everything else that has happened recently, everything has piled up on me and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.

Soooo... I want to put my Christmas tree up tomorrow. I know that always cheers me up. Chris, I can understand about wanting to skip Christmas. I was doing so well with my Christmas shopping and making presents for this year, then everything came to a screeching halt with the last few weeks of Grandma's life. So now I have only about half of my presents, and a stack of overdue bills, and our bank account's in the red. What to do, what to do??....

Ok, here's my positive thought for tomorrow....
Im going to forgive myself for all the little things I didn't get done and congratulate myself for all the things I did. I CAN do it!

I know part of my problem (besides dealing with a demanding baby ) is that I tend to sit around all day smoking too much and drinking too much coffee, fretting over all that needs to get done. I visualize myself getting it all done and feeling better. And then Dr.Phil comes on. This is what I have done all day, every day, for the past two months or so...

Ok, well now I am going to go have another smoke and ponder about all that needs to get done... Everybody take care and have a good Thursday.

cheers,
Dietrie

A quick hello - promise to drop in this weekend!

Okay last night wasn't good. Another reminder why I don't eat plain white rice. I don't even like the stuff, I have no idea what motivated me but when I got sick and then high and the began cycling on the hamster wheel till I passed out. The worst part I was ready to start all over again and began reaching for the sweets as soon as I woke up instead i am having a sanity shake.

Sanity Shake 1
1 cup of frozen unsweetend fruit
1 cup of milk
1/4 cup of sugar substitute

Sanity Shake 2
1 cup of frozen unsweetend fruit
1 cup of herbal tea or chai tea room temp
1/4 cup of sugar substitute

Sanity Shake 3
1 cup of frozen bananas
3/4 cup of room temp coffee
1/4 cup of milk or creamer
1/4 cup of sugar substitute

Throw it in a blender and you have a meal you don't have to think about. One meal, and 2-3 hours with time to pray and come up with a food plan for the rest of the day.

Kat-Sorry that your so busy sweetie, check in when you can!

Dietrie- Well your sleep is screwy thats always something that does me in. I am working night tonight and doing the 24-hour turn around to do dayshift thats why getting a little sane will help me now. Instead of taking on your whole house just pick a spot, find a sacred space and take it girl. You need some gentle loving care, and I think I am saying that for both of us as I can sit around and smoke and try to ignore the real world too ODAT

Where is everyone this week? Jessie? Take care of yourselves girls.

Chris

Hi everyone. Good heavens, I'm sick of the Zelnorm popups. Anybody else?

Dietrie, I'm sorry your babe is messing with your sleep so much. I'm guessing Chloe is your first? The first year is hard, for sure, but after 6 months things start to get easier, and you begin to feel a part of the world again. For now, don't feel bad. And have you talked with your OB about Post-partum depression? I had trouble sleeping with DD, even when she was doing fine, because I couldn't turn off my brain at night. My midwife said there was an anxiety component to PPD that can cause that.

Kat - glad you had a good time!!

(((Chris))) - hope you're feeling better tonight.

I'm doing okay. Exercised today, after being slack for most of the week. I'm not trying to undo my eating with the exercise. It's the only part of the day I'm impressed with my body - that's why it's important for me. Getting fit is a step towards respecting my body. Learning to respectfully eat is taking longer.

Okay, time to get annoying DD to bed - she gets wired close to bedtime. Love ya'll!

Happy Birthday tomorrow, Vanessa!!

And glad last week is over. Lots of crapola at work. My supervisor is almost back. That'll be nice.

I haven't been to a meeting in over a week because I've been going to work early. I'm looking forward to getting my old schedule back.

I had fertility blood work done and at first the nurse called me to say it all came back normal but then called a few days later saying the doctor wants to put me on Clomid. I'm not sure exacty what's going on and need reminders to give it away to HP.


Hope all is well!

Hi Ladies. I had a good talk with DH tonight. He had seen something about compulsive behavior on TV, and he went out of his way to tell me I was a wonderful person, and didn't need to eat or spend to feel happy or more complete - that I deserved happiness and had the ability to make whatever life for myself I wanted. He was really being sincere. You know, I tell myself crap like that all the time, but I can't really believe it, since I'm saying it to correct some behavior I hate. But from him, it meant a lot, and I think it might have an effect.

It's 4:30 in the am here, so I'm going back to bed. I'll check in again later!

Tracy, that was really sweet of him. I take it things are going better between you two?

Not sure what I'm up to today. I definitely know that I am going food shopping and buying veggies/fruits galore. I am going to try and be more specific in my daily food plan with my sponsor. It scares me because planning too much is a trigger for me. BUT, I really do need the guidance to choose loving foods for myself. I'm not that great at it on the spur of the moment. Anyway, taking it ODAT - we'll see how that goes.

Have a great day ladies! Off to drink my coffee.