Hey ladies, just a quickie to say Hello before I'm off to bed. I had a pretty nice day, no regrets of any kind, just simply thankful........ of my warm bed! LOL I've sorta came to terms with my eating and I'm trying to divert my thoughts somewhere else, or something else. I'm trying to reconnect with my oldself and the way I was back then. Or maybe I'm simply trying to be myself, just without the eating disorder I just have to decide whether or not I am a part of the cure or a part of the disease.
Kat-lol why is it always the good qualities that seem to have really bad turnouts?!
Tracy-Kudos for your journaling!! Keep it up! Unfortunely I haven't and I am able to reognize that! Maybe my thought bank is empty, it nearly took me 30 minutes to remember what I wore yesterday. Oh it's crazy!
Sorry I'm ending this here but I'm super tired from just being me today.. Which is great.
Sweet Dreams ladies
Love ya
Vanessa

Well my period finally started and I am feeling much better on the pain factor. Overstimulated as **** from lack of sleep this week. Went to OA Idea Day this weekend. It was okay. The biggest things I walked away with. Priorities.
My life today:
1. Work
2. My family/relationships
3. Cleaning, obsessing over things not done
4. Food
5. My recovery/relationship with HP

What I am working for:
1. My recovery
2. My relationship with HP
3. My family/other relationships
4. Work
5. Everything else

The other thing was that we have to keep reaching out. This is a self help and a support program combined.

Hit a few shame things yesterday in my relationships with my family.

Also spent some awesome time with my family this weekend. My son got some really good feedback on his agenda for the week so yesterday we took him to see the "Incredibles" (Excellent MOVIE!!!!) and to dinner. My son snuggled me in the theatre.

Vanessa- I hear you girl. My biggest confusion is the disease telling me I don't have a disease. It says stuff like,"Start on Monday", "You'll get some willpower soon" "If you don't eat today, you can make up for yesterday" "If you vomit you'll feel better" "You can just do it once". BLECH!!!!

My periods are weird. I have been getting them but the 2 weeks before lately have been ****. Night sweats, hot flashes, pain in my ovaries, just ****.

Kat-So you went and saw Spongebob. You are getting excited about your trip. I wish I was more excited about going down to OK this next week. Mostly I don't want to sit in the car.

Tracy- Sometimes all the stuff you got to do makes my head spin girl with all those babies too. I don't know how you handle it. I need to start journaling again, but most the time I feel like who has time. For DBT I have to keep track of how many times a day I have the urge to self-injure, wether I go through with it, take my meds, my feelings, and wether or not I use my skills. Thats as close to journaling as I am getting right now.

Poof. I have alot to do today (work again), but at least this is the last 12 hours till Dec. 3

to the lurkers
Chris

It's so odd for me to read what all you brave women are going through, and fighting it; the very same thing I'm trying to beat. I've been using all the techniques i've picked up here and there to start my journey to recovery; but here's the dilemma I face. It sort of reminds me that of the tendencies of someone with a serious mental illness like scitzophrenia, or the like, where I work really hard to think positve about my body and me and eat healty and not purge, and the bulimic thoughts are still lingering in my head, just not as strong. So, I do really well for about six days, think to myself, what am I doing, I'm not sick, look at me. I trick myself into believing I'm better, and Mondays are my downfall, I think I stop fighting it and become it's victim. I didn't realize how hard of a fight it would be.
It scares me though, because I've heard of so many women who have struggled with an ED for decades, well on their way to recovery, only to fall back into their disorders evil ways when some sort of a problem arises. I don't want this to be what I turn to when I have a problem, I don't want to struggle with it for years upon years, I'm still very young and have a lot to give if I don't spend all my time letting my illness consume me. I truly know that I have a lot to offer to the world, and to people who enter my life, but when I'm constantly worrying about how fat I am, or if i eat that, when will I be able to purge it back up? It's like a mask I put on when I worry about all that, and I'm anything but the happy, bubbly, free-spirited, easy going girl I normally would be.
Lately, I have taken to jounaling as well, not inly journaling my food, but my excersize and feelings, and body image, and positve outlooks, or any downfall. It really helps. I've also taken to talking to my school counselor who is so much more than that to me, she is like a second mom, and she too knows how it is to suffer from an ED. I've told my mom, and a few close friends, and they're all super supportive, but don't truly understand this disorder of mine and sometimes think it's all about the physical effects, when really the major part of it is the why? and the body image, etc. Anyhow, seeing as my mom is very much ignorant, althogh definately a step foward from denial, I've confided in my counselor, which I think has hurt her feelings a little, but I need someone to talk to! But, my mom loves me a lot and I think really wants to understand, and she got me an appointment to see a pyscologist tomorrow. We'll see how that goes, hoepfully it'll help just to have someone listen. I've also taken to reading the bible, and I really want to accept the Lord as my savior, and have found myslef prayingmore. I'm also attending church, and finding myself much more at peace. I've also been reading lots of motivational, true to life poems and stories that let me see this as an outsider. I also surrounded myself with friends, and family, because they help me stay grounded, and realize the things in life that are truly important, and it's not how much the scale says you weigh. Thats all I have for now. but I also want to thank all of you courageous women who without knowing, just by posting your everyday thoughts and struggles and success with this matter, you have given me stregnth to fight this minute by minute, day by day, and I pray for you all, because we all know how hard the battle can be.

(((Jessie)))! I read somewhere once that if you act as if you have confidence, confidence will be given. I think that's true for a lot of things - it usually works for me, for a while, anyway . Wayne Dyer said something similar - act like you are already the person you want to be. I envy where you are in your life, because you have so many possibilities in front of you.

Here's my resolution for today - I'm going act like the person I want to be. I'm going to be a mom who eats healthy stuff, exercises, and has fun with my kids.

Well said Tracy!! I think I might start doing that! Every day is a new day and you can always change which way you want to start it. There is so much more to life than worrying about what we look like and what to eat. I made a plan with God the other night, that I would stop worrying about what and when to eat and just do it when I feel like it. I've lost 3 years because of this and it feels like a million. So far, so good and I know that I have alot of back up if I start to fall I'll just keep being my cool self and focus on being healthy and happy.
What is everyone's plans for thanksgiving? working? traveling??

I love you all!
Vanessa