Oof. Rough weekend. My eating was out of control. Time to pull out all the old tricks and get intentional about my eating. Gained a pound.

Today I will take a moment to think, reflect and feel before I put anything in my mouth. I will not allow myself to go hungry. I can trust myself to take care of my needs.

Today is day one. :)

KarenLee, I like that about "thinking and reflecting before putting anything in ones mouth." I have been journaling my food with the intent of tuning into my body to rate my hunger before I eat and how sated I am after I eat....but it's become a routine and I haven't truly been gauging my hunger...I just list my food after I eat. I have to get back to the intention of journaling...thinking and reflecting on how my body feels and whether I need food for energy. THANK YOU for the reminder and for sharing!

Today is a new day and a new opportunity. Heck, each hour is a new opportunity. :-)

I sort of had a mini-binge this morning at breakfast, but i am really beginning to see what it means to change your way of thinking. We all know we're SUPPOSED to just chill and not let a moment of weakness derail our entire day/week/month, but it's hard to put it in practice until you really believe it. This morning, when i started to eat more than my usual breakfast, i started thinking, "how will i ever stick with this dieting thing? looks like today is going to be a binge day." But then...i turned myself around...i realized i really DON'T have an urge to binge, i was just HUNGRY! It's that time of the month, i am hungry, and yes i ate way more than usual, but that doesn't mean i needed to turn it into a binge! I will probably end up exceeding my daily calories today. Hopefully only by 100-200. That's ok. What's NOT ok is binging. So happy i was able to salvage this day.

I think the KEY to realizing that i did NOT have an urge to binge--instead, i was just hungry--was taking a deep breathe, thinking rationally, and telling myself, "ok, overeating is really NOT THAT BIG A DEAL. my whole day is not going to **** just because i ate a huge breakfast."

Day 19 done!
I'm almost to 3 weeks!!
The weekend was a little rough. I ate a lot and didn't workout on sunday. But I'm not beating myself up about it, as I work a lot on saturdays, and homework on sundays... I deserve to treat myself! That's what weekends are for :)
But today was great! I did have some pie and cake for dessert, but not excessive amounts.
And I went for a run!
I feel so in control right now :)

Yeah surfergirl! I think we have taught ourselves to fear hunger because it has so often triggered a binge. Way to go!!

I made it through the day eating well. I just need to make it between now and bedtime (my most challenging time).

I will not let my mood be dictated by food or a scale. I will not let my successes or failures in dieting determine my happiness. My self-worth has nothing to do with my size. I will not reward myself with food. I can find other ways to nurture myself. I love myself more than I love food.

We can do this!!

Karenlee- I'm happy to hear that you have made it so far! Right before bed is a tough time... But I'm sure you can make it :)

Painted ponies- you are doing amazing!! Congratulations!

Surfergirl- I get those exact same feelings... It's so tough to keep going when you feel like you have already slipped up, so way to go!

Elisevi- I like that thinking " each hour is a new opportunity" how many times have I thrown in the towel at dinner because I binged at breakfast? It's good to keep that little thought in mind.

Today I had a lot of urges to binge, but have stayed strong... Luckily I was pretty busy today and didnt really have a lot of "opportunity" to binge... Tomorrow I don't go to work until 4:00 though so I'll have to find something to distract me from boredom bingeing... Hopefully I feel stronger tomorrow than I do today!

Ok i ended up binging again last night (although i successfully stopped my breakfast binge), so the day wasn't exactly a success. But still, i have noticed that my binges lately aren't so much about shoving as much sugar and greasy food into my mouth as i possibly can. That's how they used to be. Instead, i just eat more of the stuff i would normally eat-- a lot more. Not claiming that i binge on lettuce or anything--but it's just my normal food. I hate to make excuses, but maybe this is an indication that my body is just hungry?? Binge behavior is bad though, so i'm going to increase my daily calories AGAIN (just by 100) to try to stop it.

ssurfergirl-i hope you work it out. i think it's a good idea trying to change your cals untill you figure the right amount.

i was suppose to return to uni today and i overslept so i'm going back tomorrow. i'm having minor crisis about my future but luckily i'm not solving it with food. right now i'm just taking it day by day.

I'm kind of freaking out right now. I haven't lost any weight in weeks, which I'm totally fine with -- I haven't been doing SouthBeach but my own "plan" wherein I try to avoid restriction and try not to let myself get hungry (and then binge), so scale stability is fine. For some reason I was inspired to try on clothes in my closet which range from 2003-2010 (during that period I was 15 pounds less and also 80 pounds more than I am now....I only have the clothes from when I was 15 to 5 pounds less.) For an hour I was proud of myself and excited to fit into some of these items, and to realize that I have to get rid of some of them cause they're either totally out of style or too big!

Then I got totally overwhelmed and...sad about years spent hiding in clothes, not enjoying summer sports, the fact that my arms now have bat wings and...anxious about not knowing how to dress my changing body, not knowing what's in style and worried that this bit of evidence that my working out is paying off is going to set off a binge. It seems as though each time I take a step forward and achieve something, I have a major set-back...either I self-destruct with bingeing, or I get another injury that lays me up for a month (slipped discs, etc.) or I notice something out of my control (i.e., stretch marks, saggy skin, cellulite and what I think are the beginnings of varicose veins) -- all things that give me the excuse to throw in the towel, soothe myself with food and hide away from life under extra pounds.

OK, so this is another really long post. I'm sorry. I just need to put this out there and say, I'm going to try to have some hope and faith (in myself and the universe) that it is OK (maybe good!) to feel positive about what I've achieved with my brain and body since January 1st and that just because I feel better about my body doesn't mean that I'm "due" for another destructive cycle or that I'm misguided to feel joy and "deserve" to feel only shame about all the years I spent obese focussing all of my energy on food.

Inhale. Exhale.

:( bad bad horrible day of bingeing. I'm
So tired of myself....

EliseVi and danzingurl: Your posts make my heart hurt since I have been there and I know that pain.

EliseVi: you are writing your own story and you get to choose the ending. You are not destined to repeat anything. Feeling bad about yourself feels so familiar it is hard to resist but you are not the same person you were six months ago.

Danzingurl: it is not how many times you fall, it is how quickly you get back up. What's done is done. You can continue to make yourself feel bad for feeling bad or you can forgive yourself and move on.

Day two is almost in the books...:)

Surfer girl- I really hope it works for you! Keep trying... Eventually we'll figure this out!

Missunshine- I'm sorry that you have been so stressed! But I'm glad that you aren't solving things with food!

Elisevi- I think you should feel very proud of everything you have accomplished. Don't give up!!

Karenlee- thank you for the encouragement- I'm really trying hard to forgive myself- but it's nice to have a reminder...

Starting over... Trying again... Someday I will find the strength to stop this for good.

Today will be day 6 binge free for me...I hope!!!

Lost it due to stress and binged last night. It wasn't terrible but a lot of sodium so I am definitely feeling the bloat today. Oh well, new day is today and I started fresh!

Hello day three...

I lost a couple pounds (I am sure it was just water weight) so my motivation is high. I even watched TV without eating last night (my biggest tigger).

I have been eating extremely well and exercising for an hour each day.

Instead of feeling good about my progress I have this nagging fear that I won't be able to sustain this pace...