Quote:
Originally Posted by KrisM394
One thing I did take note of today: I had an urge to binge and was able to dismiss it. BUT . . I started thinking I kind of MISS the anticipation feeling of the binge. NOT the binge itself and obviously NOT the aftermath, but the adrenaline rush of prepping for a binge.. thinking of what I'm going to eat, getting it ready, etc. etc... That worries me a bit, but then I just tried to quiet that thought too. Maybe that rush is just another "trick" to keep me wanting to continue ... ???
I know what you mean by this. Bingeing is more than just about food. For me it was about eating secret meals between meals. I'd leave for work 20min early EVERYDAY so that I could go through a drive through, and come home a little later so that I could go through a drive through. Then I'd come home and eat the "normal" dinner. Of course this takes a great deal of strategy. I've basically been lying about what time my job starts/ends. I can't leave any evidence so I would drive to a parking lot or gas station where there was a bin to rid of the garbage and crumbs. Anytime I went anywhere by myself (shopping, doctor's appointment, meeting a friend for drinks, running errands etc) was a chance for me to do some eating before or afterwards. It became part of who I was. I even have a separate bank account devoted solely to bingeing (wow, that's the first time I ever even acknowledged that to myself.) It's hard to recognize myself now not doing that. And I gotta tell you, I find that I'm asking myself these questions daily:
- what will I eat if I don't go through a drive-thru?
- what is there to do before/after work if not eat?
- what time should I leave to go to work now?
- how can I go to the mall without eating?
- what would a normal person eat now?
Also when someone asks me for a ride to go somewhere it brings on sheer panic that I don't have the freedom to eat during that time. But I'm learning how to face these feelings, it's only normal that when you stop doing something you're used to doing there is a period of adjustment. I'm just trying to focus on ANYTHING but food now.