so i know i have a problem when it comes to learning how to control and portion out my food. i usually eat until my stomach can't take it anymore, and i do that with both processed and unprocessed foods (but more so with processed). when i eat, a lot of the time, i don't think it's because i'm really hungry. when i'm not in the presence of food, i feel fine, but once i start thinking about it, or when i see it, there's a part of me that says i should go for it (and i'm completely pants at control, so naturally i go for it). my eating habits have always been horrendous, but they've been especially bad these past few months.

today, i told myself i wanted to stop with that, and that i wanted to get myself back on the bandwagon-- you know, the one where people are eating good and working out and doing stuff and feeling great. when i saw some junk food at the market, i really wanted to buy them, but i didn't. i thought that was a decent start, but once i got home, i found myself being scared of putting anything in my mouth, because i worry that once i start eating, i won't be able to stop. it's a crazy dichotomy-- i either want to eat everything, or i'm scared of eating anything, even if what i'm eating isn't necessarily "bad". before, i tried on occasion to log my food, but that turned out to be very depressing because it seemed like no matter how much i tried to control myself, i'm still hitting upwards of 3000 cal/day (which is why i guess i'm so scared of eating anything when i'm trying to get myself on track. but that backfires and then i go back to eating everything again.)

a while back, people have recommended for me to buy a food scale. it might be better for me, since i'll be able to see exactly how much i've been eating and i'd be able to log it accordingly, but somehow it's something i don't want to go through with. i feel like it's going to make me spiral more out of control, and that my fear/want of food will get even more out of control somehow. i'm worried i'll find out one serving of something is so small that i won't be able to fill the void in my stomach (even though that's not really the case).

i'm not sure how i should tackle this. i feel like i'm only doing the extremes, and that's what got me here in the first place.

I can really hear the fear in your voice, and trust me I've been there as have a lot of us. Fear is our worst enemy and I often find myself feeling fearful. Mostly I'm afraid of myself because I can't trust myself around food.

I know logging food can be scary. It's like looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate looking in the mirror when I eat because I hate what I see, I hate what others are seeing. But sometimes we have to face our fears. Logging what I ate and using a food scale was vey revealing. When I started doing it I was shocked at how much I ate, I was shocked at how much I was willing to forgive and forget about what I ate. Suddenly, a fingerful of whipped cream COUNTED, stealing a french fry off my husband's plate COUNTED and while it was hard it was also very freeing. After a while of writing things down I didn't want to write certain things down. So I would think "I don't want to write down ice-cream, so I won't eat it."

I don't weigh my food often anymore, mainly because I did it for so long that I KNOW how many calories are in any given food that I'm eating. I've memorized it. It has made me completely aware of what I am eating. That's something that no amount of non-dieting can take away, it is knowledge that I own now.

Being aware of what I ate has brought me out of the dark. I struggle a lot but at least I know what I'm putting in my body like it or not.

Just take it one step at a time. You've already taken a major step in that you've realized how much you eat before you've become really overweight. You can't just start willingly eating what's recommended, you'll have to work towards it.
Just hold off on getting the food scale until you think you're absolutely ready to. Counting calories will really help you though, as it has helped many people on here. I, too, don't really need to calorie count anymore because my stomach has fixed on eating a certain amount. Just remember that you can do it though! Once you start calorie counting, you'll start on your journey of eating less, with your goal becoming eating less subconsciously!
I recommend constantly eating, but in small amounts, also known as grazing. While playing on the computer, or watching TV, or something, pour a bowl of preferably healthy cereal without milk and just eat it slowly while you're doing what you're doing. When you constantly eat in small amounts like that, it naturally decreases the size of your stomach, so even if you mess up and binge one day, your stomach will not be able to handle as much as it used to because you've been suppressing it!
I wish you luck, and remember not to give up!

I agree that you are probably not going to jump from extreme swinging back and foreth to practicing your ideal diet and feeling in control. For me, I usually start with small changes and get myself mentally ready to make a big change by doing the same thing you and I are doing now: I get part of a community and collect information. Small changes can lead to bigger things.

One small change that worked for me was to switch plates sizes. I eat my meals in dessert plates: instant portion control, but since I know I can 'afford' to fill them (contrary to a large plate), it's also instant visual/psychological comfort of 'eating a full plate'. Of course, it's not a miracle solution. Now, who knows, maybe it could be one of those steps to take, that would work for you too?

I agree with both concepts of grazing and changing to smaller plates. I've heard from weight loss podcasts/websites that the 5-6 smaller meals keeps your metabolism running so that you're not as tempted to binge, because you're already full. Sometimes that works for me, and sometimes I just need to have a "cheat binge".

The last time I had a conscious cheat binge, I felt awful. This was a good and a bad thing: I have graduated into a stomach that cannot handle these binges. Now, my cheat binges have turned into a smaller amount of food. *I'm not saying that binging is healthy, but it's a small goal to less and less binging in any case.

The smaller plates have also helped me in a few ways. First, in comparison with my husband's normal/larger plate, I feel good that I'm not eating as much as a normal adult male (bear with my "logic", lol). Secondly, it allows me to go up for second helping without as much guilt. Lastly, the ultimate goal is the visual/psychological aspect of that amount of food (one small plate) being "enough" and filling. I still need to work toward this goal, but the smaller plates are helpful in achieving this.

Good luck, and let us know about your progress. Small goals help, but motivation is helpful in any step of the process!