[Born This Way]

I can't stop crying. I have to get thisoff my chest and show somebody this.

Today it hit me.

I know I gained the weight back....but over the holidays people took pix and I looked back at what I looked like 7 months ago and I honestly look like a different person.

I came to 3FC for support in my weight loss to get to the before photo, but I guess counting calories just drove me nuts and the doctor said 1200 calories a day with exercise set me up for a binge disorder bc it wasn't enough.

the second photo is what I look like today. I look like a pig and I don't know how to gain the strength to be better. I am so sad and disappointed and now my heads all ****ed up from counting calories before food is now this weird secretive guilty thing I hate it. counting actually made me think about food more, and consequently, eat more.

help

[martini]

I see a beautiful young woman in the first picture. I see a beautiful young woman in the second picture.

I don't see a pig. I don't see a different person. At. All.

I'm not a doctor or a mental health professional. Given what you wrote in your post, I'm guessing you're talking with your doctor and I'm glad for that. I think it's a good idea to start a conversation about how you see yourself and keep that conversation going until what you see in the photos is what I see in the photos.

[Spain2012]

I think you look beautiful in both. I too have regained weight in the past, and understand the feeling of being uncomfortable in your body after feeling so slim and happy, but you need to take a deep breath, relax, realize this is not a race, and that you can and WILL lose the weight again, slowly, at your own pace.

[madison27]

Originally Posted by Spain2012

I think you look beautiful in both. I too have regained weight in the past, and understand the feeling of being uncomfortable in your body after feeling so slim and happy, but you need to take a deep breath, relax, realize this is not a race, and that you can and WILL lose the weight again, slowly, at your own pace.

I have to agree with what Spain said.

I too have gained 'a ton' of weight over the past year due to loss of job, stress, bills etc... I can totally relate to your feelings. Chin up...there are many people here who have or are in the same position you are in now. You will find plenty of support, tips, encouragement, and a shoulder to lean on, Doesn't get much better than that.

[Born This Way]

Originally Posted by martini

I see a beautiful young woman in the first picture. I see a beautiful young woman in the second picture.

I don't see a pig. I don't see a different person. At. All.

I'm not a doctor or a mental health professional. Given what you wrote in your post, I'm guessing you're talking with your doctor and I'm glad for that. I think it's a good idea to start a conversation about how you see yourself and keep that conversation going until what you see in the photos is what I see in the photos.

Thank you for your insights. I would love to just love myself. I fear I will never be able to see what you see as long as I'm like this. I really am trying though I am talking to a doctor. At the end of the day I'm afraid I am unable to accept myself in this body. But I know weight loss fueled by self hate cannot be sustainable, it tears me down. so even when I'm skinny (like the before photo) I don't like myself. Actually I remember that very day regretting wearing that skirt bc I caught a glimpse of my thighs in the mirror and never wore it again. That hate made me eventually search for comfort in food...and gain it back again.

the cycle really is twisted, isn't it?

[Born This Way]

Originally Posted by Spain2012

I think you look beautiful in both. I too have regained weight in the past, and understand the feeling of being uncomfortable in your body after feeling so slim and happy, but you need to take a deep breath, relax, realize this is not a race, and that you can and WILL lose the weight again, slowly, at your own pace.

yah what you described is EXACTLY where I'm at. How long were you off track? How far did you really fall back? How were you able to get where you are now? It looks like you really have made remarkable progress, that is incredible! I am trying to pause and just breath but it gets so hard when I can barely muster the strength to face myself in the mirror every day.

a few months ago I had a period where I felt free. I just ate what felt healthy, and right. no compulsive behaviors or obsessive thoughts about food. I have no idea how to get back to that place. I had to come back home for a while and old habits still lived in these walls...my family is very very bad for my physical and emotional health but hopefully I can move past this.

[Born This Way]

Originally Posted by madison27

I have to agree with what Spain said.

I too have gained 'a ton' of weight over the past year due to loss of job, stress, bills etc... I can totally relate to your feelings. Chin up...there are many people here who have or are in the same position you are in now. You will find plenty of support, tips, encouragement, and a shoulder to lean on, Doesn't get much better than that.

Thank you for your support, it means so much to me. I am so ashamed and I'm just sick of the judgments. hopefully we get through it this year!

[Spain2012]

Alright, this might turn out to be a little long winded so bear with me.

I was overweight all my life- and absolutely miserable in my body. I tried every diet in the book, but had (or rather, still have) severe binge eating issues, and would ALWAYS gain the weight back, without fail, every single time.

Then I went to school in Ohio, and met this amazing, really great guy my freshman year. I wish I could say the pounds just peeled off and I I subsisted on love and fresh air, but nope- I got comfortable in the relationship (despite the fact that he is EXTREMELY fit and good looking), and I ate my weight up to almost 200 lbs. I continued to try and "diet," but the restriction would just result in stuffing myself with bagels, cookies, pizzas in the all you can eat dining halls

A couple of semester later however, a super intensive work load led me to focus on my classes rather than food, and for the first time in my life my weight wasn't a priority. I guess I just ate like a "normal" person, regular meals, considerably less bingeing. I just happened to weigh myself at the beginning of the summer, and without realizing it, had dropped around 30 lbs! I know it sounds odd that I wouldn't have noticed losing a significant amount of weight like that, but I had yo-yoed so much before that I had clothes in all these different sizes, and had pretty much given up thinking about my weight.

But thats when the trouble began. EVERYBODY back home noticed my weight loss, and it became a talking point amongst y friends and family. I began feeling the pressure to get thinner and thinner, and basically, starved my way to 130. I had reached a point where all I was eating was an apple or a few celery sticks a day, but the feedback that I was getting was so positive that I just tried to stick to it.

Then, I moved to Prague to study abroad, and just completely let lose. The food was so unfamiliar, I missed home, i was having trouble with school, and basically, I rocketed up to 180 again. I know how you feel, the puffiness of your new body- I didn't want to go out, I was basically depressed and stayed in all day, ashamed to let anyone see me that way. My family and friends were shocked when I went home, my mother walked past me in the airport!

How did I lose it? I stopped dieting and counting calories. I *made" myself eat 3 balanced healthy meals a day, with one snack. I loosely follow the superfoods lifestyle- and I stopped trying to lose weight, just eating healthy. Thats all, if it was something that would add nutrition and help my body run smoothly, I'd eat it, I wouldn't obsess over it. The only things I did cut out completely were rice and pasta, those were huge trigger foods for me. Not to say I don't do carbs, I eat oatmeal in the mornings, and enjoy all sorts of fresh fruit and veggie. Slowly, but surely, I lost the weight over a year, and got down to 135 (I'm now fighting a 3 pound regain!). Now that I'm at this stage however, I am more vigilant, I weigh myself daily, and roughly estimate my calories, I don't go over 1500 as a rule.

I hope that was helpful to you Let me know if I can help you with anything, or you can pm me anytime!

[MiZTaCCen]

Originally Posted by martini

I see a beautiful young woman in the first picture. I see a beautiful young woman in the second picture.

I agree!!!

Also, I know you stated you're sick of judgments...but the truth is the only person who is probably judging you the worst is yourself.