So I'm having a pretty crappy day. I just woke up depressed which a few of you may know if you've seen my thread in the depression forum. So even though I've been good for 21/2 weeks straight I just wanted to do anything I could to stop feeling the way that I've been feeling today. I HATE my depressive episodes. They take over my life. So I finally made the choice to just eat whatever I could to make this go away. So I went to Chipotle and got TWO chicken burritos. If you've seen one of those burritos you'll know how big just one is. And I made no healthy choices. I got the rice and the tortilla instead of the beans in a bowl. Then I went to the grocery store to get my disgusting sweet guilty pleasure...buttercream icing. I'm embarrassed to say that I can sit and eat a whole container of icing in a few hours. So I got to the grocery store aisle and walked around for a bit. I knew that I'd be pissed if I did it. So I looked at other desserts that were smaller as a substitution, but nothing was calling me as much as just straight icing. So I stood in the aisle holding the can for awhile. Just staring at it. I'm sure people probably thought I was crazy. But strangely enough I suddenly put the can down and walked very quickly out of the store. I left without my sweet part of my sweet/salty binge.

But then I came home and ate 1 1/2 burritos. I've thrown away the rest. And what's sad is that I didn't get the feeling that I wanted from it. Maybe it's because I haven't done it in awhile, but it used to fill an emotional whole for me. The flavors alone were like a kind of high. But today I didn't get that. So the whole reason that I was bingeing didn't work anyway. I still feel depressed and now I'm pissed at myself for eating the burritos. I inhaled extra carbs and calories for nothing.

Ugh, I guess I should be proud of myself for avoiding the icing, but all I can focus on is the binge that I actually did do. When will I learn that no good comes from emotional eating?

I just wanted to send you some hugs I know all about the need to binge and I just blew a month long no-binge streak yesterday But you know what? It looks like you are doing better. You didn't have the frosting and you didn't eat both burritos...you threw half of one away. I'd say that's a lot of progress!

I don't have any great advice or anything. I just wanted to let you know that I am out there and I absolutely know how tough it can be.

I agree with LuckyMommy. Its sounds like you are making progress to me! You didn't fall blindly into old habits. You took control and put the icing down. You tried what worked for you before...and learned that it doesn't work for you now. I call that progress and self control!

I hope you start to feel better.

I have to add you didn't buy the icing!!! way to go try and focus on that instead of the negative. I remember going to work one day and on the way that old familiar thought in my brain to go buy some goodies and eat was very overwhelming, so I stopped at the store and had bag of cookies in hand and I soooo did not want to eat but my mind did so as I was staring and thinking of what to do two thoughts came to mind one was, you don't have to do what your mind is telling you to do and one was from the Dr. Phil show where he says at the beginning of the show "we know things are tough our there but we can do this" it was really amazing becaue the impulse left and I had a great day. That did not fix me completlely of course but it sure helps.