I don't know what is going on with me. My food is all over the place. My current food plan is I see it and I eat it and that's not working for me. I was doing so well and now it seems like I am in sinking sand. Every morning I wake up with a positive attitude and I know that today I will stay on my food plan, today I will exercise, today I will communicate with my sponsor, I will journal and I will read literature. Every night I go to bed thinking how I blew it because I was off my food plan, way off. I am thinking it can be a few things and for me to see it in writing will help me.

1. I stopped working my program and my program stopped working. I have only recently been in daily contact with my sponsor, reading literature, praying to HP, and writing in my journal. I guess since I was doing so good with my food and my exercise and my weight loss I thought I didnt need any of those things on a regular basis anymore.

2. My baby is 10 months old today. He is growing and changing so much and I am happy about that. But I am also really sad, he was our miracle baby and we don't know if we will ever be able to conceive again. Him growing and being less of a baby is really hard for me. I keep thinking I am never gonna get to do this again and it bothers me really bad. Being a mom is everything I have ever wanted and is everything I thought it would be and more.

3. I have never been much smaller than this as a grown up and I have never gotten this small the healthy way. I thought that I had everything worked out from all the sexual abuse that happened when I was younger but maybe I don't. I guess thats a gift that just keeps giving eh? I know I want to be smaller, I know how to do it I just have been wonderful at sabotaging myself. I set my calories to maintenance thinking that I can just take a break until I find my commitment again but then I go over those too. I set it back to a pound a week and still go over but dont go over maintenance.

I dont know why I just cant stick with this anymore. Any thoughts or words of wisdom?

I feel like i'm just a mess right now.

I understand completely.

1. You were perhaps over confident before you were ready. Over confidence slapped both my husband and I in the face during the holidays. We were confident we were far along in our healthy lifestyle changes only to find we were not ready to allow the foods we knew were triggers. The reality is, that we have a history of eating issues, a history of food triggers. Losing weight is not a cure, it is a change in body size. We have a lot of work yet to do on our issues.

2. Change. Change is inevitable. I am sitting here right now with my granddaughter who looks exactly as her mother did. I cannot tell you how many times I wished I could go back and hold my daughter as a baby, and here I am doing that in the form of a new baby. When I look back on my only child's life, I am so blessed to have seen how far she has come with her nursing degree, her 4 children, her happy marriage. Change is a part of life and not to be feared.

3. Fear. We all have fears about being smaller, no matter how much we may desire it. Fat does indeed insulate us from many things we fear. I had a major stall throughout 2011, because I was dealing with some backlash of fear when l lost half of my weight and realised how I was actually getting close to goal, something I believed never would really happen. Mine is all about the fear of being vulnerable, exposed, "in the spotlight" as I once was when I had lost 120 pounds in the past. We cannot change the past, but we also do not have to live in it. It is merely a shadow of things that cannot exist now in in the present.

What we can do is stop reliving the past, worry about the future and truly live in the present. Right now, your child is growing, enjoy every moment of change and growth, there are so many wonderful moments to come and be cherished. Work your food plan in the moment, for this meal, concentrate on making this current meal right on target. When it is done, do the same for the next meal, repeat. There are thousands of tools out there to help us along the journey, find some that work for you. Change the tools as your needs change. I think the biggest mistake that people with massive amounts of weight to lose do, is think that it is a point A to point B journey and that we have to stick to this monochrome diet and life until we get to B. It's not like that at all. It can be a wonderful journey full of faboulous learning experiences. Nothing worthwhile comes of living in fear and negativity, break out of the pattern of feeling like a failure and embrace what is a powerful series of sucessful choices. String them together and see that change is indeed happening over time.

Keep trying new weightloss tools (ideas and methods) until you have your very own tool kit to make it all happen for you.

I'm sorry about everythign you are and have gone through...

Don't worry about the past, just take things one step at a time. I completely understand how you can feel positive and strong, but then have the day come crashing down. I can't even count how many times I sat at school thinking about how great I'll do the rest of the day, feeling strong and in control, and then finally getting home, hungry and exhausted, and all my plans are forgotten and I just feel weak...

The battle is uphill, and it's hard to fight it.
What I've found really helpful is doing a blog. I have one that I treat sort of like a journal; I talk about my food habits that day, the exercise I did, any accomplishment, how I feel about myself, etc.

I have mine set on private so nobody can read it, but it's really helpful just to pretend people are reading.

Trying to wait 20 minutes when you have a craving helps too. Or smelling cocoa powder.

I feel like I'm in control for most of the time now, but I have moments where that's not the case.

Just take things step by step. Don't move mountains, just move pebbles

And happy 10-month birthday to your baby

Remember this, your baby deserves a healthy mommy.

You know what? I know you're not in your happy place right now, but look at how amazing you've been. You've come so far. I'm totally jealous and impressed. So you're in need of a bit of a break. Break is probably the wrong word. What you're probably fighting with is that you should have made the lifestyle changes to be able to eat the way that you should without fear of a 'relapse'. That it's really not a break if this is the way your life should be. I'm really struggling with that. I've worked hard this week and I'm taking a bit of a break from constantly thinking about weight loss. But I guess the key is how long do you take that break? How long do you need until you can pick it back up again. In the end that's up to you.

But I just want you to know that your own success should be encouragement enough. I totally want to use you as my own encouragement. :-) The grass is always greener.....you'll figure it out. Just keep at it and keep finding ways to get support. That's probably the most important thing right now.

Good Luck!

Abbeysue, probably your sugar is just a bit high and that makes you eat more carbs. Sometimes what makes us go overboard is just a chemical problem like that. Try having a protein breakfast (eggs, ham, no bread and no sugar) and leave your carbs for later, or just reduce them to veggies and a little fruit. That may help you be more in control.
About a psychological reason for putting on weight, I think you are a little scared. You say you were never this small before, etc... Maybe you are afraid of what your life may be like being thinner --more social life, sports, you know, getting out there--, especially if you have a history of abuse, which may make you feel afraid of being noticed by men. Been there! Just go slow, be patient with yourself and concetrate of getting back in control of your impulses. You have done so much so far that I am sure you will do great with your new weight!