An introduction of sorts :)
Hello all,
Tonight is my first night on the forums and I just wanted to share a little bit about myself here in this portion of the forum because it is why I am here.
I have never really had much of a problem with my weight until recently, this is not to say I wasn't fat, I have been most of my life at least a little overweight to what people refer to as *morbidly obese*. What I mean is that I was happy with myself the way I was. I may have been fat but I didn't feel like it was any hindrance to my life, I felt sexy and I was medically in good health, low bloodpressure and cholesterol, very active, no signs of being prediabetic in anyway.
The change in this came when I went away to dorm for the first time my freshman year of college. I was placed with a girl whose major was physical therapy, she was very nice person and I am glad to have known her, but in spending time with her and the other girls on my floor I picked up bad food habits, binging on pizza because I only had time to eat once a day, never eating anything but junk food, and unlike them I never learned to resort to massive bouts of exercise or purging in the bathroom to cope with the binges. Soon I had gained about 20 lbs, and a nasty case of self loathing. I also lost my sense of self control.
I have always been fat, I don't mind it and I think as long as you are active, moniter your health concerns, and are recieving adequate nutrition your weight is in no way something to be ashamed off, very skinny to very fat I just don't care. I think everyone should be able to love themselves though, and enjoy the little pleasures of life, from sex to food to a journey through a park. I don't love myself anymore though, not my physical self at least. I have gained about 40 lbs total in the last three years, including that first twenty.
I look in the mirror and want to cry, not because I look so bad, but because I can see the changes in my body and I feel like they are the product of something I can't control. I think about food all the time, I eat when I am not hungry, and I sneak food when I am alone because I don't want people to know how much my eating habits have changed. I am tired of thinking about food as if I am starving, like if I don't eat what I have now there may not be any more tomorrow. I want to be able to enjoy eating a cheeseburger instead of inhaling it and then regretting it.
I want to prove to myself that if I set my mind to it I can get myself back under my own control. That I can cause food to be a source of joy and pleasure in my life again instead of a source of shame and fear. That I can lose enough weight that I see myself in the mirror and not the last three years worth of binging. I just want to be able to see myself and feel like others are seeing me too, not just my issues.
To use a catchall, I am looking for a sense of control over the one thing I have grown to feel is controling me, my body.
Last edited by HerLoquaciousness; 08-13-2011 at 03:03 AM.
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