Hi there ladies
Just wondering if anyone can relate to me. My daughter is 6 years old and she is starting to over eat, due to me as her example. I have noticed she will say she is full and have seconds. Also I allow her to have a lot of sweets and candy, I feel bad. I feel out of control. Food is controlling me and I hate it! Any suggestions? I feel as though I will have to get my own compulsive eating under control in order to benefit her, I just wish that wasn't true....
Well, you are the mother. You should be able to control what is on her plate.Why are you allowing candy, not only bad for her health but bad for her teeth. If she says she is still hungry give her something healthy, fresh fruit maybe, an apple or orange,or grapes or a banana.
My daughter is five and I have similar worries. I have tons and tons of thoughts on this and personal rules for myself in front of her and our home. I'm happy to share them but you might think I'm a neurotic nut. I am DETERMINED to spare my daughter, as much as possible, from being overweight but I am ALSO determined that no matter what she weighs, she will not tie that to her self worth. Daughters, mommies, and fat = complex, emotional issues.
A few of the basics:
I never say negative things about my appearance in front of her. I TRY to take care of myself - at least get out of my PJs and put on a little lipgloss - I don't want her to think that fat = slob.
I don't say negative things about other people in front of her.
I don't talk about "fat" in front of her, or label foods or actions related to them as "good" or "bad."
We don't keep junk in our home. My husband tends to like junk, so he is welcome to buy it himself and keep it in his (home) office where we don't know about it (and I don't have to fight with her about it).
She get something sweet (usually small and home made) in the evening.
We eat meals at the table.
I eat the way I would ideally like for her to eat (till she goes to bed, then it all goes out the window and I lose my mind. Sigh. If I could go to bed when she does, I'd be a thin woman). This means water instead of soda, vegetables at every meal, and fruit/yogurt/nuts/cheese type snacks. I am her biggest influence and role model, "Do as I SAY" is not good enough.
I try to find new things for her to try and I try to involve her in the process of selecting new things - this is how we found out she LOVES artichokes and asparagus and she gets super excited when she spots them in the store or at the farmer's market.
We value trying new things!
I try to keep her invested in the process. She's only five so this means pouring things into pots, stirring, helping me make the menu for the week, washing fruit and vegetables. It takes a LOT longer but then she's invested in what we're eating.
We eat at the table, not all over the house. We don't put serving bowls on the table because we don't expect seconds. If WE are still hungry, WE can all have more vegetables. I tell her we don't eat more of the other stuff because it's supposed to be dinner or lunch the next day. I'm slightly uncomfortable with this, but I don't want her eating just to eat. If she is REALLY hungry, she has options. She is rarely REALLY hungry. She doesn't often ask for seconds. Obviously there are exceptions - if we have something special (for example, we're a seafood loving family so she will ask for and get second helpings of fish or shrimp because we don't tend to have them a lot and really, I think an extra few boiled shrimp are OK).
We drink water, or heavily watered down juice 80% water, 20% real juice). Once a day she gets "chocolate milk" (80% skim white milk, and 20% chocolate milk that's 1% or 2%, whatever organic I can find) to take her meds.
Fast food happens once a week when her dad actually leaves work on time, they get Happy Meals, and then play at the park for a few hours. I DO talk about how fast food is really really full of salt and gross stuff and it's ok sometimes but if you eat it a lot it can make you sick and unhealthy.
My daughter has a neurological issue that limits her mobility most of the time (sometimes she walks fine, sometimes she uses a walker, she hasn't actually been able to RUN since she was three and all this started) so exercise is tricky for us. It means I can't take her on walks, but we do use her walker and walk as much as we can without wearing her down. She can ride a bike and swim, so we do those when we can. I have to suck it up and go sit outside in the heat if she feels up to playing outside and I try to get to the park as often as we can tolerate it (once it gets over 100F, forget it). We do yoga tapes and kid dance videos inside. I am doing some VERY BASIC exercises from the new South Beach book and since she watches me do them, she does them with me. I am trying to get her involved in a few clubs and activities that she can do. When school starts, I'm sending her lunch. School lunches are the equivalent of fast food EVERY DAY and it's the kind of junk she loves (corn dogs, fries, fish sticks) so I know she'd eat every bit of it, hungry or not.
I also have an idea of what organics are important to me, we buy organic dairy, and I try to avoid processed foods as much as possible. I've read a few books that detail the issues with dyes, soy, genetically modified foods, HCFS, artificial sweeteners, etc...it is a whole lot easier for me to avoid buying that stuff now that I'm pretty sure it's just chemical poison. I grew up eating fast food and Debbie Cakes (and hello, I'm almost 300 pounds) because my mom was all about convenience. It was a BIG shift for me to think about giving up all the premade stuff. I'm not a great chef or anything, but I can wash fruit, open organic yogurt or cheese, pass out nuts, back a low sugar (but delicious) cookie, and bake a piece of fish or chicken. I can steam or roast a vegetable. It may be basic, but it can still be delicious.
Of course, I can also bake bread (and eat a whole loaf with butter after she goes to bed), and amazing brownies (and have four after bedtime, washed down with my secret stash of Diet Coke) and order drive through 30 oz Starbucks sweetened ice team lemonade so...I'm still fat. My daughter, however, has been at the same weight for two years and growing taller all the time. Yesterday she tried on a dress that fit in some pics we took almost two years ago. The dress still fits. So she's doing exactly what her ped hoped - she's growing into the weight she put on when she fist started having trouble walking.
It sounds like I'm real tightarse with all these rules but really, my concept of "normal" and how "normal people eat" is so nebulous. I am just striving to get us to normal but not typical. I'm not interested in living with the Standard American Diet (SAD) of processed junk and huge portions. I want us to enjoy basic ingredients and reasonable amounts and move on to have lives that are beyond eating and being fat.
To answer your specific question about seconds - when we are done eating, when she says "I'm full" - we go into clean up mode. If my husband and I are still eating (sometimes she eats FAST), I send her off to wash her hands and brush her teeth, then we finish up and then clean up. Put food away, put plates away. If it's still out, she will want to pick at it (and so will you). If she says, "I'm full," then you say, "Ok, off you go, go wash your hands and brush your teeth and I'll start clearing the table" and dinner is OVER. We used to try to make my daughter stay at the table till every one was done because I think it's just good manners. I noticed she would continue to eat and pick at her plate, then she'd want another roll or some more this or that and I KNEW she wasn't hungry. So now we let her leave the table when she says she's full.
WHEW. That's a LOT of typing.
The most important thing is to know that YOU ARE YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIGGEST ROLE MODEL. She will do as you do and think as you think. At the very least, you have to model appropriate behavior and attitudes in front of her. You can work through the rest when she's not watching.
Last edited by 98DaysOfSummer; 07-17-2011 at 09:31 AM.
Summer-- what a fabulous post and full of information. I do alot of these things with my 3 year old that you do with your kiddo as well. It's me and her most of the time since her big sister has a job in the evenings 4 or 5 days a week. She is a grazer, but I make sure the things she grazes on are healthful. We eat a meal at night or a healthy sandwich and soup if I'm not interested in cooking some nights. I definitely cook meals the nights both girls are home. I don't keep fatty snacks in the house. I pack her lunch daily to send with her to preschool year round. They have a great program and she comes home doing yoga and dance moves. They push exercise, which I love.
I have a good friend who I've strayed away from since my daughter has been able to ask for what she wants in the kitchen. Before I put her in preschool, this friend babysat her on the days I worked. After awhile, I noticed my kiddo didn't want plain milk or her vegetables. Even when requested, my kid only wanted chocolate milk and popsicles. Not ok and it really ticked me off. I know this is how she raised 3 of her children who are now grown, but I had requested she not give my daughter sweets. I keep frozen popsicles for when she deserves a treat or chocolate Nesquik for a rare occasion, but these are not things my kids have daily, so it really upset me.
You have to set boundaries with yourself and others about what is ok with you for your children to have. Kids don't need our bad habits, they need our positive example.
You have to START NOW! When my daughter was young (she is 27 yrs), We only had extremely healthy food in the house. Chips and pop were only on special occasions and holidays. Her habits were so good from the beginning that when she went to school, she came home and asked if she could take salads for lunch (1sth grade). She had veggies, fruit, healthy cereals, oatmeal, lean meats, low-fat cheese sticks, no sugar popsicles. Everyday after school she would either grab a yogurt and grapes or nuts. She was never deprived food or told she couldn't have more. You have to start NOW, before really bad habits start. Even chocolate lowfat milk and some wholegrain crackers with a little peanut butter makes a great snack
Summer - I don't think you're being a "tightarse" at all - I applaud you for trying to be a good example for your daughter. The only thing I wanted to say was about your "secret stash" of diet coke: hiding food can be a dangerous thing too. It scares the life out of me, so I've stopped because I don't want my kids to do it.
To the original poster - the only way to stop your daughter is to stop her. I have a relative who loves my kids to death, and does so with sweets, junkfood and everything else bad for them. I have drastically cut down how much she sees them, and counteract her as much as possible by allowing them 1 sweet with her. She was giving them more than that, and telling them to LIE about it! I didn't let her see them for a month, and then reminded my kids how lies hurt people, and they started reporting back to me everything they did with her.
I told her straight up that I would cut her out of our lives if she didn't stop filling them with junk and telling them to lie to me about it. She apologized and things are better, although I keep the hawk's eye on the whole thing.
My point is, I know it's very hard, but you can do it. I know you love her, and yourself, so just hold on to that when times get hard. It really IS for her own good.
This is all well and good, and "acting" like things are normal is better than nothing, I suppose, but kids aren't stupid-- they WILL figure it out. I think I caught on to my mom's habits around the age of seven, and she hid them from me, too-- or at least she thought she did.
I don't have the binge thing to an extreme, but I've struggled with poor eating habits my whole life, most of them stemming from how my mom ate. I love my mother, and I know that she did the best she could, but don't delude yourselves that your daughters won't figure it out in a couple of years.
I ate veggies, etc. until around seven or eight when I started to really understand what my mom was eating and ask for that, too. Eventually it wore my mom down, probably because she felt like a hypocrite, and then came the McDonald's trips that turned me from a healthy kid into a very overweight kid.
Just my opinion, but I think the best way to help your daughters is to really work on yourselves first because you probably aren't hiding it as well as you think you are.
I feel as though I will have to get my own compulsive eating under control in order to benefit her, I just wish that wasn't true....
Yep. You have to. But why do you wish it weren't true?
Eat nutrition heavy growing food (fruits, vegetables, proteins, etc.) normally.
And save the party food (chips, cookies, cakes, candies, sodas, etc) for parties and holidays. Make the treats TREATS again for special holidays/times. Not a daily thing.
You are the mom. You do the shopping, not kid. Resist it ONCE at the store and then you don't have to struggle with it a zillion times at home.
I've got PCOS/IR and I suspect my kid may have inherited. She's also school age so wants to eat all the crap her peers eat. I don't push it because I don't want to give her a complex about it but I tell her she can have whatever she wants when she wants but not the same thing twice in a row.
Because I manage my IR with diabetic exchanges, that's the language we use here. She doesn't know diabetic exchanges, she just knows groups. So I tell her what she's already had -- starch, milk, veg, fruit, protein -- and ask her to pick something else that she has NOT had yet before she repeats.
The hardest thing I ever had to do was overcome stress/emotional eating because I ended up abusing food for comfort/nuture. I hug my kid rather than give her candies. Feelings are feelings, food is food and I don't want her to grow up and have that all muddled in her head like I had it.
Get a check up -- wheat, egg, milk or other food allergies. It's possible to be addicted to the thing causing you problems and get stuck in a loop. Also check for prediabetes, hypothyroid or similar -- maybe the eating on your part is rooted in a real medical problem.
If it is emotionally rooted -- get to sorting all that out. See a counselor and in the meanwhile, check out "Life is Hard, Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle in the library.
This is all well and good, and "acting" like things are normal is better than nothing, I suppose, but kids aren't stupid-- they WILL figure it out. I think I caught on to my mom's habits around the age of seven, and she hid them from me, too-- or at least she thought she did.
I don't have the binge thing to an extreme, but I've struggled with poor eating habits my whole life, most of them stemming from how my mom ate. I love my mother, and I know that she did the best she could, but don't delude yourselves that your daughters won't figure it out in a couple of years.
I ate veggies, etc. until around seven or eight when I started to really understand what my mom was eating and ask for that, too. Eventually it wore my mom down, probably because she felt like a hypocrite, and then came the McDonald's trips that turned me from a healthy kid into a very overweight kid.
Just my opinion, but I think the best way to help your daughters is to really work on yourselves first because you probably aren't hiding it as well as you think you are.
Well...obviously. Obviously we know we should work on ourselves and I have a mother with an eating disorder - and a grandmother. Trust me, I know how this works. But disordered eating is a life long struggle for most people. WHILE YOU ARE WORKING ON YOURSELF, you need a plan for your kids.
Telling people they need to "work on yourself first" before working on their kids is about as helpful as telling any fat person to just stop being fat before it impacts their children. You can't wait till you get yourself all perfectly squared away before coming up with a plan for your children because that may never happen. Clearly we all hope to beat our various issues, compulsions, and plain bad habits but until that time, FOR ME, I want my daughter to have a firm foundation in healthy food...that healthy food IS NORMAL FOOD, that portion sizes are normally small - not that we eat all we can stuff in till it catches up with us and then live the rest of our lives on what we think of as reduced rations. I want her to know that soda is for sometimes and cake is for birthday parties and fast food is something kind of gross that we only have every once in a while.
If I wait till I sort myself out and don't have a plan for her, she's just going to end up as the 4th generation of fat, self-loathing women in my family and I really hope to do a bit better than that for her.
My daughter already has limited mobility because of a neurological disorder we don't understand, I don't want her further alienated or marginalized by being over weight. She is already going to struggle with her weight because she has a normal appetite, but she can't run or be as active as other kids. She has had two long and often sad years where even at her young age, she wanted to pass the time and comfort herself with sweets. Trust me, I have given this plenty of thought. I have read every book there is to read on the subject and discussed it with all her doctors. I have been working on myself for 33 of my 38 years, so believe me when I say I know that mothers pass down their disordered eating but I can NOT wait till I "fix" myself before I start setting a good example for her.
My bad habbits are affecting my daughters health!
