[skinny fast]

I would appreciate any feedback you have. I'm so frustrated with myself. I've always had a binging problem. And I would love to know why I do it and how to control it.

My biggest problem is when I start eating I can't stop.

Currently I've lost 15ish lbs the *healthy way* - exercise 6 days/week (run, elliptical, Pilates, yoga, strength train and workout DVDs) and I'm eating super healthy (vegetarian, all natural, mostly organic, getting lots of protein, healthy grains, tons of veggies & some fruit...).

But in order to control the binging I basically don't eat until dinner. To get the nourishment and energy for exercise I drink protein shakes as meal replacements. I can control myself when it's just a drink. But any mid day snacking will lead to all day eating (most of the time). So I eat a very healthy dinner, usually around 1000-1200 calories (totaling my intake for the day at 1200-1400 calories). Dinner is something like quinoa and tofu, but a LOT of it. I drink a ton of water, take vits/minerals, supplements, lots of superfoods, Omega 3s... I do everything I'm supposed to do, until I binge.

My binging usually consists of pretty healthy foods, but a TON of them, eating all day, consuming up to 4000 calories/day (I'm 5'2" & about 120lbs). And sometimes I have unhealthy binges - I "fall off the wagon" and find myself at the grocery store just to buy chips and cheese and other less healthy foods just to sit down for a day of binging. These binges usually last a few days.

How can I go from one extreme to the other? I enjoy working out and I love healthy foods. But something happens and my mindset turns. I will actually knowingly sit down to crappy food and think about all the stuff I can, and will, eat that day, all day long. It's all or nothing for me - I can't treat myself here and there b/c it's like a trigger for me. But I do love cheese, Mexican food and other foods and I don’t want to deny myself.

Usually my weight creeps up from constant binging. It gets to a certain point and that's where I freak and I quickly turn to unhealthy methods to lose. I exercise, but then the purging after binging starts and that often changes to starvation. And, when my weight is finally down I let food and laziness win again and I binge. It’s like 'ah, I'm finally here, now I can screw it up.' I know I'm far from alone with the yo-yoing. But why do I do what I do?

So I have a history with anorexia (as low as about 90lbs), bulimia, binging (as high as about 150 not counting pregnancies), binging and purging, not binging but still purging... As small as I am I can gain 10 lbs in a week so easily (including water weight obviously). And unfortunately, I know how to lose it nearly as fast.

So why and what do I do? What can I try? It’s not in my budget to see a therapist, but really want to get to the root of this. Once I start I can't stop. Even eating out - I can pack up take home food, but I ALWAYS polish it ALL off as soon as I get home.

I know how to eat healthy, really healthy. I know how to keep healthy foods around me to snack on. I know implementing small portions of my crave foods here and there should help keep me from over eating them. I know eating too little can trigger binging (but I can assure you that maintaining for me is around 1400 calories/day; losing is eating around 1200 calories/day w/exercise burning about 500-1000 cals/day... yes, my metabolism is that screwed up from what I've done to my body). I know grazing healthfully should help. I just binge anyway, or starve anyway. Help?

[blueheron777]

Sounds like for you it is all or nothing.

Suggest planning your meals with snacks in between. Shop for those meals and have healthy snacks on hand. Be sure to eat the meals and snacks you have planned for.

If there are foods you really like but are essentially "treats", you could try having one on the weekend so that you know you won't be deprived.

You have to want to be healthy and at a good weight more than you want to binge.

I found some aphorisms on this site posted by others, and I put them on little yellow post-it notes in my bedroom and on the fridge:

"Don't let what you want right now sabotage what you want for the rest of your life."

"Impulsive behaviors weigh ounces, but consequences weigh tons."

"Your biggest opponent is yourself."

"I have come too far to be bossed around by a cookie."

There are more--just look around for sayings that work for you. Good luck!

[tigerchild]

Have you considered going to an OA meeting? (A face to face one) It's not therapy--but it IS free, you can meet people who have overcome the same thing as you have (as well as people who overcame different things but still fall under the binging/overeating umbrella). I've been a compulsive overeater all my life (though never overweight until my late 20s). As soon as I found out about OA I knew I should go, but wasn't really ready to do that until recently. It was scary as **** to walk into that first meeting, but I found it profoundly moving, and a better step forward in recovery than the therapy I'd done (though I wonder if therapy would help better now that I'm more able not to lie to myself and everyone else).

Since you want to work on the inside as well as the outside, maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing to check out, at least just once or twice and then evaluate.

[LataJones]

I struggle with an all-or-nothing mindset too and the best thing I ever did was to stop feeling guilty about what I was eating, whether it was "good" or "bad". It was just food.

Perhaps your focus should be less on weight and more on being healthy and developing a normal, healthy relationship with food.

I was worried too that if I all of a sudden allowed myself to have the "forbidden foods" I would gain weight. The complete opposite happened.

Good luck.

[skinny fast]

Thanks for those replies.

LataJones, I think that's one of my life's hardest challenges - figuring out how to not focus on weight and how to have a "normal" relationship with food. I'm working on it though, I know you are right.

I've never considered an OA meeting. I'll take that into consideration, thanks.

"Your biggest opponent is yourself." LOL. All too true.

[abbysue715]

I second the is face to face meeting!!! For a lot of us once we cut out all sugar and white flour it became much easier not to binge.

[tessendicott]

I used to have a binging problem because of a drug problem. I've found that snacking on fruits and veggies/granola throughout the day keeps me from overeating. I also found that keeping myself busy doing things I love (I'm personally into crafts) has helped a great deal as well. Food used to be the only thing I thought about day in and day out and now I only think about it when I'm truly hungry. Busy yourself and stay positive! You can get through this, I promise there is light on the other side of the tunnel!