[greenpurpleness]

Hey, I'm new to the forum and I've been reading a lot of your posts, it looks like a really great and supportive community so I'd thought I might as well share my story.

I'm 22 years old and I've been a binger ever since I can remember. My weight fluctuates a lot, right now I'm at my all time high and I'm binging thousands of calories every couple of days, I've gained close to 30 pounds in the past few months and I still can't believe it,I've been trying so hard to understand what motivates my binges, why I do this to myself, why I can't help but give into these urges and make myself miserable?

Last year I was actually able to control my weight and get down to a somewhat healthy weight that I felt comfortable with but my binges never really stopped they just weren't as common.

I find that the more weight I gain the more I binge cos the more miserable I feel and I just need that comfort that foods brings me, it's a vicious cycle that I really don't know how to break and it's killing me.

The bigger I get the less of a life I have, I avoid going out, I hate people seeing me and how big I've gotten, I hide and just try to disappear from the world but life gets in the way and when I'm forced to face my family and friends I feel horrible and embarrassed.

Even when I was thinner my family would always hide food from me and it really happens everywhere I go, I know that it's a reaction to my own behavior because for some reason whenever there's food available I just eat all of it, I have such a hard time portioning out things and so when I'm alone in the house my overeating unleashes.

I know that it's an emotional thing for the most part, because whenever I'm upset the only thing that calms me down is food, I've tried exercising and eating healthy, I'm constantly "on a diet" but nothing seems to work and I'm so tired of this disease controlling me, I'm tired of eating until I feel physically sick, of doing the exact opposite of what I know is gonna make me happy but I feel so powerless.

Anyway I think I just needed to vent, I'm gonna read a few of the books that you guys recommended in another thread and see if it helps a bit.

[krampus]

greenpurpleness,

First off I like your username - those are my two favorite colors, and they look great together in outfits/clothes!

Second, you are not alone in this at all, and I hope you can find help and light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like you might benefit from therapy or seeing a face to face support group like Overeaters Anonymous - have you tried those methods? There really is no shame in binge eating disorder, only the desire to get better. I 100% feel you on always being "on a diet," it's a stupid cycle where every day is either eating so little you feel deprived or eating so much you feel ill.

*hug* One meal at a time. You're young, you can get better!