while I'm binging I always think of how many hours at the gym I'll be spending making all of the food I just ate up. In the moment I don't think about the guilt because the food is too good. However, the next morning is when I feel the guilt. Binging is why I no longer have a scale at my house.

With a few others here, absolutely nothing. i just know i FEEL different. it's pure euphoria, and like serendipity said it is an escape. i forget about how i messed up my speech, i forget about the fact that i can't get a job, i forget that it's so cold outside, i forget about how i want to look and feel for life and i just am so in the moment. and then after, usually at night i just think -_-

in fact today, i had pizza and wings with my boyfriend. we didn't even talk the whole time. and i just remember thinking how awesome the sauce on the pizza was. its frustrating that i had a fair amount of food and i didn't even feel full when i was done. so i technically didn't binge but it was still too much food.

sorry for the long vent but i have no one else to talk to

Just want to say... I thought of *this* thread last night when I grabbed a bag of baked chips and started nom nom noming. One single rational thought made its way to the front of my brain, squeezing past all the idontcareidontcarejustonemorejustonemores, simply a "What is going through your mind?" I took ONE deep breath and brought my brain back to rationalism, which told me to stop eating the chips. I did. Already did about 200 cals of damage, but it could have been worse.

So, thanks krampus for this thread. It helped me see the pattern of thought that happens to binging (basically, just chaos) and how to make myself aware of it and break it.

Indiblue, that is awesome. I'm going to try to remember that the next time I'm in that situation.

Lately for me it's just a broken record of "whateverwhateverwhateverwhatever" to drown out the rational voice telling me to stop. Literally, that voice saying 'whatever' over and over is trying to take up the space in my thoughts so the rational ones can't get through. It's awful. Today is day 3. I really hope I can recall this thread next time I'm challenged.

i don't try to justify it anymore (at least not logically). when i binge, i am usually thinking to myself how ****ty i feel right now mentally, and that i know the damage i am doing to myself physically, but dulling the pain/emotions/feelings with food is more important at this particular moment than the physical consequences.

I always tell myself I'm just going to have to make it up on the treadmill or at least I'm binging on 'healthy' snacks though I started telling myself that anything in excess stops being healthy when you're binging on it.

I don't think when I binge. I just keep going till I get sleepy then thats when the binge is over. I do it right before I go to sleep for the night. Sometimes I do it after 3 hours of sleep and still in a daze.

:( OMG!! I could've multi-quote several post as I can identify with so many of you. Sadly I just finished bingeing also binged yesterday and promised myself today would be better.

Anyway when I am in the midst of it my only thoughts are this is so good what else can I eat? My thoughts are actually numb by the taste of the food, then the guilt sets in and I start feeling depressed and asking myself what the **** is wrong with me? Why can't I stop bingeing?

Afterwards I feel horrible and depending if it was a huge binge I would physically be in pain. At times I have either taken laxatives, binge on sugar free chocolate (acts as a laxative), try to figure out if I am going to do zero carb to drop the water weight quickly or find another healthier plan. Then I go to sleep so I won't have to deal with the guilt/depression anymore.

Right now I am on the verge of tears because I feel like I have failed b/c I promised myself to have it together by the time Spring gets here and so far I'm not making it.

For a minute I was going to down some laxatives but honestly don't feel like the discomfort so I'm just going to take a shower, pray to God to give me the will power tomorrow and go to sleep.

Although I'm happy that I am not alone and feel better posting about it to those who truly understand, I really wish none of us had to go through this. My fear is that I will probably deal with this for the rest of my life.

That's exactly what I realized was happening to me, my mind was literally CRAMMED with numbness and nonsensical crap when I binge. I'm not even THINKING. Thanks to this thread, I became cognizant of that for the first time. Realizing the thought patterns which occur (or lack of them) is the first step towards reconfiguring them. And once I pushed that ONE simple question to the front of my brain during my binge- WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND (and I literally was visualization that thought squeezing its way through the muddled numbness/crammed together words and phrases) it became clear. I wasn't thinking. I started THINKING... just for 1-2 seconds.... and I put the bag down.

It was a pretty interesting and positive experience, to be honest. I hope it works for others. :hug:

all or nothing
 

hi all,
im sara all the way in nz. I started my weight loss journey in jan 2008 weighing 96.5kg at my heaviest. Lost 35kg eating up to my points then at a point my weight slowed down/stopped so someone suggested I stop eating carbs at night and sure enough it kicked started again. At the same time I got a chest infection and couldnt eat a thing and when I jumped on the scale again I had lost 2kg in a week just from not eatin so then it all began. I started restricting and only eating veges at night with 6 chicken nuggets. I went to the gym every day having sunday off. The weight came off and I got to 55kg. My goal kept changing to 55, 54, 53, 52. I got to 52kg but with struggle. With food fights, yet I ignored them. I was grumpy, irritable, *****y. you name it. I could go out socially, my hubby was frustrated with me. I ate the same thing everynight.

Drunk water, tea and coffee and one meal a day was my life.

I fell pregnant last year in March and even throughout preg I restricted and went to gym twice per day. Baby Jacob was and is fine, no growth restriction. I started on cililopram (antidepressent) and was seen by an eating disorder liason who told me my weight was healthy, bmi healthy, it was okay to eat veges and wishes she could and many people exercise that much. Well I came out feeling dismissed and determined to lose more weight to be taken seriously.

However for thepast month I have only been able to restrict maybe 3-4 days of the week and then I binge. Now I have been told that my binges are not really binges but are eating normally. Not to me, because I am not use to eting anything that goes in my mouth is a binge. I dont go straight to mcd's or whatever but I crave carbs, subway, will have 4 slices toast, eat pastries, chocolate. I will eat when I am full becasue I feel that the day after I have to restrict so I eat as much as I can as I cant have it 2mrw. For me it is a binge.

If I eat breakfast, even just 2 slices toast, thats it, I have eaten something that I dont normally have or do so that day is a write off. It is all or nothing.

I restricted for 5 days last week then come saturday I was good, went to do pump at gym but then my 5 yr old asked me to eat lunch with him, I couldnt say no to him, his face lit up when I said I would eat. but that was a write off. and knowing i dont exercise on a sunday i decided I would try to eat 3 meals per day but then my mind intervend and then it turned into eating spag bol for tea, choco, custard etc. Even today was a write off.

It seems I am having more binge days then restricting and I am not 54kg - well that was friday so goodness knows what I am now.

Look im sorry to go on and tell you what seems like my life story is
sara:(

I can relate to many of the replies here.

When I look back at past binges, they all feel "rushed" like I want to get it over with. Also, I have noticed that when I binged, it was in conjunction with doing something else, like driving, watching TV, or being on the computer. Usually it's watching tv though. They start off with me thinking hmmm, I want to eat something bad, and I GOTTA HAVE IT. I keep thinking gottahaveitgottahaveit. I go to the store and in the process of driving to the store and buying food, it's like I'm not even the same person, like there's a switch in my brain that turned me "off" and I'm not in control of myself.

I don't have feelings of pleasure/serendipity throughout the binge like others have said. I usually just have that exerience within the first few seconds of the first bite. Then it's just munchmunchmunchmunch from there on. I'm gauging my fullness and the amount left in the package. I'm also thinking, hmm, what tastes good with this? Depending on what I have in front of me, I will switch it up, like a bite of chocolate, then bread, then chocolate, etc, even though the food doesn't really go together.

When I'm done with the binge, I feel so mad at myself, and think Why?! WHY!!? Why did I do this again?! I look at the cals I just ate and wonder how long I should restrict myself for doing this, how many cals did I have for the whole day, and sometimes I try to find justification, like it's within daily caloric limits for the day, it's okay. But I still feel guilty underneath it all.

If I have leftovers, I throw it away, to not only hide the evidence from my roomate, who never goes in my room anyways, but I throw it away to hide it from myself so I don't have to smell or look at it in the trash. At this time, I'm just trying to "erase" the memory of it. At this point I just want to sleep it off. The guilt and anger that I feel, and the discomfort from the fullness is too much for me to handle, I just want to sleep away until a new day starts.

I'm really glad this thread is here and that I have been able to share my thoughts on this subject. It's been an ordeal that I have been going through for a good portion of my life, but it has only begun to get out of hand from the begining of this year.

When I started this weight loss journey this January, I realized that bingning is my problem, and I'm really trying to keep it under control. I'm able to exercise just fine, but no exercise in the world will help me unless I can control my eating.

I get anxious pretty often, especially if I am on my own. I'm okay if I just sit with a film or a book, or write some of my story. It's when I talk to people that I get a problem, which is so sad really.

If I have tried to contact someone and can't get through, or sometimes if I receive a text or message that doesn't seem affectionate, I just get into a huge panic that they hate me and they don't want to talk to me any more.

So I stuff myself and the feeling of the food filling me up clogs my anxiety. Eating calms me down. But my trigger foods are sugary and sugar makes me panic more, so more eating is necessary. I can eat myself into oblivion, until the person I'm panicking about contacts me again and I realise everything is fine. Sigh...

usually my thoughts are "its ok, ill just throw it up", or something along those lines. Also another favorite of mine it "this isn't a binge, im just snacking, it's normal" or "all my friends eat this way, so can I"

My other favorite (because I often binge when Im stoned) is "Food will make me sober up by the time my mom gets home"

This is not on the subject , I just wanted to know why you have picked such a negative user name ? Why would you include suicide in your name ? I know it is none of my business but I found it to be quite disturbing.

Same here, exactly. And sometimes, before I even prepare my binge food, I'm telling myself, "This time I'll take just a bite. It won't be a problem. After all, I have to learn how to deal with this like normal people do."

Is there a normal? Doesn't everyone have something they battle? If not food, then sex, gambling, drugs, overspending, etc.?

HAHA! That could have been me!

I was going to pick a user name akin to yours, one that I felt fit me, something like loser, lifesucks, I'mtiredofitall... you get the picture. I started depressing myself worse, so I picked something neutral instead.