breakups and binges
 

hi everyone

my boyfriend and i just went on a "break". we had been fighting for a while about stupid things. he works as a contractor for a computer company, and his contract ended recently. he decided to move out and try to find a job in California, which is where we both wanted to end up after living in Seattle for a year or so. well, he left on Sunday, and i've been a mess since. i've been bingeing, not keeping to my eating plan, and not exercising. i'm very depressed, and i know i should use this time to myself to work on things, but its so hard for me to take control of my life. this is exactly what i was afraid of- that i would have no distractions, and all the time to work on my body and lifestyle, and not take advantage of this opportunity because i'm so upset.
so...any advice on how to get my life back? i had made too much of my life about my boyfriend, and letting the fighting be an excuse for me not to succeed at my weightloss goals. well, he's not here, i'm living alone for the first time, and i want to succeed. i don't want to bing so much and stay on track. any advice?
thanks all in advance, and sorry for the long post.

:hug::hug:

I'm sorry things are so sucky for you right now. First, forgive yourself for your binge because no one is perfect and you're going through a rough time. The important thing is that you get yourself back on track to a healthier, happier you!

It sounds like you're trying to fill the void left by your boyfriend with food - which is something I totally understand. You don't get to my weight in my life by being someone who can't eat when she's upset. However, that doesn't mean it's a healthy way of dealing with things.

Do you have friends you can talk to and hang out with when you're feeling lonely? A hobby that you've been allowing to slide because you've been so invested in the relationship? Maybe you could find something (ideally many somethings) that can fill your time and attention and help you be a fulfilled person without turning to food.

Hopefully someone else will come along with better advice than I'm able to give here. :hug:

i appreciate your input :)
normally, i would just surround myself with friends and family. the crappy part about that is that they're all in NYC. i moved out to Seattle with my boyfriend last year, and i don't have that support group that i'm used to, i do have a 2 friends out here who know what's going on, and they've been very supportive this far. i just hate to overload them with all my crap.
there are sooo many things i can/should be doing. i'm just having a hard time motivating myself.
i try not to let myself get too upset about the food, but i feel my pants getting tighter and that just makes me feel worse and i'll binge again. arrggg...i'm totally eating my emotions- the emptyness, the anger, and the sadness.
thanks for your post sunshine73. i need to keep all that in mind :)

I agree w/ Sunshine! Do you have any close friends or family that you could perhaps talk to or even do things outside of the house with? I find that if i'm depressed I just tend to stay home and of course if i'm home I'm bored and snacking.
Maybe you can make a list of things that you could do? Walking/gym, sight seeing, hang out at a friend's house, go to the movies, scrapbook, shopping (sometimes I just go out and browse stores,lol). Just find some things to keep busy.

Don't forget that you're a strong woman and that you can get through this! Tell yourself that okay, you had your binge and just let that go.

Big hugs!

sorry I didn't see ur post about friends or family.

thanks- forget that i am a strong woman at times. i can do this. i just need to pick up the pieces.

its also just annoying that there is no "plan" per se about when we'll stop this break, or break up, blah blah blah
i think i would be in my best interest not to talk to him too much and really just focus on myself.

:hug: I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I definitely agree about getting out of the house. I like to go for walks outside and listen to books on tape on my iPod when I need to escape. I don't know why, but it works!

:hug:

Maybe make a list of things that you can do to take care of yourself. We need pampering and special care when our hearts are so vulnerable! Then, make a plan for the next day (or 1/2 day, or whatever you can stomach) full of those things. It may help to look over the list often to remind yourself about what really makes you feel good, not just feel good for the 30 seconds (or minutes) that you are consuming it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds so stressful & painful. You can only take care of YOU. So be kind and spoil yourself rotten during this time. Create some structure to your days so they are not just open wide to whatever & your mind goes racing. Books, movies, bubble baths, spa-time, long walks, dancing, shopping - - or if you can make the time, a trip back to NYC for a long weekend or week.

Take care of yourself. Again, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Didn't anyone tell your boyfriend that the state of California is bankrupt ? We have a lot of unemployed people here . Good luck on him finding a job. the computer industry isn't what it used to be. I live in Silicon Valley and believe me the boom has gone bust.

to just keep swimming- i've actually been meaning to pick up some new books. i haven't read anything for fun in a WHILE...never thought about books on audio though- thanks for the suggestion :)

cherylmm- thanks for the words of encouragement. i do need to pamper myself. i've been thinking of a few things, like a weekend trip, a tattoo, or a cat (i know, random choices!). i don't necessarily have the $ to do many things, but in this case, i think its worth it and i genuinely think a little splurge will help me get some confidence and joy back. unfortunately, i'm not the best list-maker, but its a good idea :)

bargoo- i told him, his friends in Cali told him, he's just stubborn and strong willed. he doesn't seem to want to admit that it will be SO HARD to get work in his field right now.

honestly, my anger towards him is starting to surface. if he falls flat on his face and can't get a job and is couch surfing, that's his problem. a little harsh, but i'm hurt, you know? i left my family, friends, and my home of 25yrs to come to Seattle with him. and he up and left me here. yes, we had problems, but we could have worked them out differently. whatever happens to his career or financial situation is his sh*t.

i just really have to focus on me. i just have to help myself get over those moments of vulnerability where only mountains of food will comfort me. i just have to stay strong, keep focused, and make me happy.

hopefully him eating his heart out in the end will be icing on the cake :)



phew, felt good to get some anger towards him out!

I am so sorry you have this turmoil in your life. It is so difficult to find a way out of the pit.

I think it is the uncertainty of the situation that creates the biggest stress. It doesn't allow you to move into healing stage. And it doesn't allow you to ponder your future.

So take some time for yourself - paint your toes a bright red! Take some time to be busy - rent or go to the movies, go to the store and buy some (cheap) fresh flowers, tell your friends you want to be busy and need their help with just that. Make plans with your friends to play cards or board games on Friday night.

You have been involved in quite an adventure. You did what most people only dream of doing. It took great courage, faith and confidence. You still have all of those qualities. This part of the story is painful but it is part of your adventure.

the uncertainty is really difficult. honestly, i'm very confused. he says he loves me, blah blah, but then, why did you leave me here to fend for myself, without support, no car, and all the bills to take care of on my own. i'm struggling with my own feelings, in the sense that part of me wants to tell him to eat sh*t and get out of my life, and the other part of me wants to run and have me hold me. i feel like i'm thisclose to falling apart.
but i'm trying.
and i want to do things for myself, but this apartment is so lonely. and i just lack the motivation. but i'm going to keep going. i'm actually going to go out for a but and play poker with a friend and some of her friends.
on a logical level, i know and understand all the things i need to do to make this transition. but its just so damn painful. and the fact that i hate my relationship with food and that it's the only thing i turn to makes it worse. its a vicious cycle, and i know so many of you can relate. just fyi- i do appreciate the words of encouragement, the suggestions, and the concern. it really means the world to me right now.

much love

Try to put some certainty back in your life - maybe in another area.
Make a plan for your financial future - Do you work outside the home? Will you have to look for a job? Will you have to work out a new budget?
Can you get out of the lease and find someone who needs a roommate. The apartment has a lot of reminders of this relationship. Maybe a fresh start. Overwhelming at this point, I know, but it doesn't hurt to think. Write out a list of ideas and solutions. Heck write about everything. Get the words out of your head and onto paper.

Also, bills in his name only - don't pay. Just forward them to him in Cal. He may be able to move away from his emotional obligations but his financial obligations will follow him everywhere. This is not me advising you to be a vengeful b!tch. It is about treating him as an adult.

Oooooo boy do I know this one!
There are the feelings that you are unlovable - its just not true. It feels like it but it is JUST NOT TRUE. There are different kinds of love and although there may be no romantic love right now, there are others. 3FC is a place for finding love - love from your sisters. :hug::hug::hug:Friends and family, too.

Another component is the feeling that you were ripped off emotionally. Relationships are about keeping things equal and balanced - I do this because I love you and you do this because you love me. You probably did more of the first part and didn't get enough of the second especially since he decided to move. He left things way out of balance. How is he able to do that and live with himself? I dunno but how he was raised, how he treats his family may give you a clue. You invested more in the relationship than he did. You had given him love and trust and respect and he took it. But he left without paying you back. Extremely painful to you right now fo' sho'.

Binging and eating will not ease the pain - it only numbs it for a short time. Take from the experience the lesson you are supposed to learn from it. The seven stages of grief are valid and true for any loss (except maybe weight loss :)). It takes time to get through them and the time it takes is different for everyone and every situation. It is a healing pain not an injury pain. The cut has already been made, these are the stitches.

It is what it is and you cannot change it. You can change how you feel and deal with it. Fake it til you make it. Live and learn. Cliches? maybe but oh so true.

thanks for your suggestions- unfortunately, i can't get out of the lease, but that's ok. my apt is walking distance to work and i like the neighborhood i live in. i can afford to live here on my own, i only worry about not being able to save. i've been toying with the idea of redecorating, getting some things to make it more my own.
a few of my friends have suggested that i move back to NYC, but i really like my job, and i feel like this is a great opportunity for growth. also, i feel like going back to NYC and living with my parents until i get a job would thwart my weight loss efforts.

this is very true, and its nice to know that people here have taken the time out to respond, offer their advice, and give support. honestly, i feel really lonely right now, and knowing this gives me a tremendous amount of comfort.

honestly, i don't know how he walked away so easily. and i was the one giving more. things got tough, he took the first opportunity to run rather than work on it. and all that is helping me think about the relationship in general. do i want to be with someone like that? or do i want something more for myself? do i want a partner who will go through the rough times with me, or someone who just runs away? again, even though i have all the arsenal i need to walk away, i still find myself wanting to be with him.

and its hard not to look to food. its been the constant in my life, but a bad constant. if i had the confidence and love for myself, i would have the courage to walk away, ON MY OWN TERMS, not let him call the shots. but alas, i will only gain the confidence by NOT bingeing, by exercising, and eating what fuels my body.

i got lots of work to do. and i think i'll be able to get through it. i do have to "fake it to make it".
cliches are around for a reason right? :)

You poor thing. I feel your pain. Went through something similar a couple of years ago. It is so easy to use food to fuel your emotions. I am sure you are stronger than you think you are.
Take control! Be your own boss. Do this for yourself.
Make a plan and stick to it. Write a journal it helps. Try going to the gym, I met so many people who became a great support system for me.
I love to cook so I would go online and try recipes from different cuisines.
I wish you luck and even though relationships are tough we still have to remain true to ourselves and who we really are.

The tone of your post today is way more positive and that is a huge difference. :D You really like your job, you live close enough to walk, you like your neighborhood. You can afford to live in the apartment. Phfew!! That is a lot of good in your life! Saving is important but you can forgo that for a little redecorating which is much cheaper than therapy or binging!! As a matter of fact, having a project like redeco (on the cheap) may be just what you need.

When I feel a binge coming on (restlessly opening and closing the cupboards and fridge) - I put on a tooth whitening strip. I have to wait at least 1/2 hour before I take it off. This gives me time to settle down, think and decide what to do. It kinda reminds me that I am doing something to improve myself and that helps with the strength. 90% of the time, I don't end up with any unplanned food. Kills two birds with one stone, a win-win situation - yeah more cliches!!!

Have a great day everyday!

usam- thanks for the kind words and encouragement :)

dixC Chix- yes, i have been feeling a little more positive. i think its been good for me to reach out here as well as to my friends. i've actually stuck to plan two days in a row (no binges!) and my goal tomorrow is to exercise when i get home. i'm trying to embrace having my own living space and i am really trying not to think about how long i'll be here alone, how long this "break" will be with my boyfriend, and taking it day by day.

i actually went to pharmacy earlier to get some batteries and picked up some whitening strips :) also, i've been planning my food these past 2 days, and that's ALWAYS helped me keep away from a binge. i will get through this.

so just to pat myself on the back-

i had a particularly rough day at work and was just an emotional wreck today from all the stress of my situation.

and i did not binge.
something to be happy about :)

Hope you are still on the right track! Food is often something we tend to turn to to "fill the gap", but overeating or binging can make you feel even more awful and depressed. Not having the foods that tempt you to binge in the house is a help! I have worked on my willpower to resist almost all junk food, but if there is chocolate involved I'm still hopeless. One thing that helps me on a stressed day is to push exercise even more. Allow yourself an outlet for any negative energy. I have an awesome personal trainer that pulls out the boxing gloves if I'm having a very stressful day.

First you need to stop and breath...and cry whenever you feel like crying.
I went through a difficult break up and decided to leave and go back home for months for a support system because I had NO ONE out here. I've come to realize that the only person in life you can depend on is yourself.

I had this guy tell me he loved me and all that and turns out for a year and a half it was a complete lie. I depended on him, I believed in him and I allowed myself to care for someone I have never imagined myself to do from the beginning. (obviously your relationship is different but in the end I think we all deal the same way.) I packed up from a good job to go home to get that moral support from my family and friends (to work at a minum wage job because for once I couldn't deal with the fact I was alone...my own fault I allowed myself to be so the abuse of his psychoticness would back off...though it never did) because I had it back home.

I don't regret it one bit (looking at it now, I don't even regret the wasting a year and a half of my life with him...it's kind of funny...kind of on how dumb I was lol) I think me moving and getting my life straight put me in a place I haven't been in a very long that and that's to be happy. (He contacted me a few times and I had my final straw the last time back in August when I finally allowed myself to let go.) I went from a huge learning experience and I'm sure not ALL men are like him, but I will remember to keep my guard up for the next one.

So take the time to relax, do the things you haven't done because you were with him and continue on with your life. I hate to say it but he up and left you when you two had PLANNED to do this together. (I know how that is...) So forget him (obviously not as easy as it is to do) and continue on with you and only worry about you. If you find it hurts you way too much to speak with him, maybe cut communication until you are fine to speak with him again. Allowing yourself to be hurt over and over again and continue on thinking the WHAT IF's is only going to bring you down even more. (Trust me)

I actually ended up coming back to the place I ran away from and now I'm back with the company I left and have far more support out here then I did when I was with him from people (because at the time they didn't like who I was because I wasn't the best person to be around thats for sure..) I'm much happier and am enjoying life. So fear not as they say it willl eventually get better, you just need to allow yourself to move on and continue on with YOUR life.

thank you! i've been hanging in there. the first week he was gone wa spretty miserable, and had a couple of binges. since that first week, i've been sticking to my plan and staying on track. i can't seem to get myself motivated enough to exercise though. i generally enjoy it, but its SO FREAKING hard to motivate and just do it. i know the benefits from it, how it gets the good hormones going and how it affects my weightloss. I want to use this break from my man to fuel my fire you know...
still trying to motivate...thanks for the kind words, and for sharing your thoughts.

thank you for sharing your experience. i've also thought about going back home, but i feel like it would kind of bring me down more (although i have good support there). i would have to move back in with my folks, (they're a little overbearing), find a new job, get back on my feet...which i know is all doable, but i just want to challenge myself you know? see if i can make it on my own, and like you said, depend soley on myself.
as far as by boyfriend, we're in this limbo, and i've given myself a timeline- if nothing changes between us in 2-3 months, i'm going to call it quits. i just don't think i'm in the mental state right now to make a decision. or i might just be avoidant. it's given me time to think...do i want to be with someone so selfish, impulsive, who could DO THAT to someone? my brain is one huge jumble. been seeing a psychiatrist for therapy and possible meds...hopefully that will de-clutter my brain...

again, i'm so thankful that you shared this with me- it inspires me and gives my solace that i will be ok. and kudos to you for getting through it all :hug:

I did that whole if it doesn't change by this timeline than I'll end it...I wasted so much time on that and truth was I gained nothing from it but waiting it out and continuing on the heartache for longer. (Your choice though...)

Also I know exactly how you feel my guy just up and left too, saying he needed to find himself again because he was in a crappy place...People do, do it and it is because they are SELFISH and don't care about anyone else but themselves.

But good luck, in the end we all deal with things our own way and will find the courage to finally end dead weight. :hug:

i know, i just feel like i need a couple of months to build the confidence you know...and i am seeing his selfishness for what it is, but i also still love him very much.

but again, i'm getting through one day at a time, and all i can do for now is take care of me. even that's a new concept- i've taken care of everyone around me for eons, and i neglect myself often. hence the weight gain over the years, and my resistance to go back home. i need to be here on my own in order to succeed i think. even though i get kinda sad a lot...
thanks again for your words and advice :)

Well hey, if you ever wanna talk vent or whatever just PM me. I know exactly what you are going through I went through the motion of it months ago, and sometimes it helps having someone who went through the same experience to talk to. :hug:

i might have to take you up on that :)
i appreciate you reaching out and offering the moral support. most of my friends don't really get where i'm coming from. it would be nice to talk to someone that's been there. thank you so much

One thing I learned is people will not understand unless they've been through it. The relationship I was in was you can say an verbally abusive one and before that I could never understand why the **** someone was dumb enough to stay in it...Being through it I can now say understand it.

:hug: