Dissection Of A Binge, Need A Little Help (Seriously Long, Apologies)
Sorry this is so long....
After falling off the wagon last week with a binge, I have been thinking a lot about what happened and why. I’m having trouble getting my mojo back. Thinking about binges, I’m struck by the violence of it all. I’ve thought about what it is like when I have binged, and have a read some of what others go through when they binge. Eating when not hungry, eating when the food doesn’t taste good, eating until unable to breathe, eating until dizzy, eating until passing out, eating until fear of having a heart attack and dying. I just keep thinking about all that violence and wondering how and why I would do that to myself. I would never in a million years consider that kind of violence against another, but apparently I am ok with myself being the target.
I’m trying very hard to “hold on to the science,” and what I mean by that is just the physiology of addiction and how the body craves things once the brain is addicted. I’m trying to focus on that to help set me free, because it’s worked in other areas before, but for some reason the science doesn’t seem to be getting me through at this point where food binges are concerned. Some examples below.
I used to be addicted to diet soda. I wanted to quit because I didn’t want to be taking in artificial sweeteners anymore. So, I identified things about the diet soda that I liked and tried to recreate them. I like the carbonation, so I started drinking seltzer. I was addicted to the caffeine so I switched to one cup of coffee or tea a day. For years afterward, I used to think about diet soda and crave it sometimes. Sometimes I would have one, but immediately it tasted disgusting, it would upset my stomach, give me a headache (aspartame), leave a nasty aftertaste in my mouth, and I wouldn’t finish it. Then it would be a long time before I would go through that again. Maybe I’d have one a year or less, until I stopped altogether. Though my body and brain still wanted it, when I would have it, it didn’t give me whatever it once had when I had been drinking it daily so long ago. It’s easy to say no, and to realize that the craving isn’t “real.” So, addiction gone, honestly under control, and not a problem anymore.
I used to be addicted to caffeine. I decided I wanted to change that because I got tired of having to regulate how much I had and when throughout the day so that I would have enough energy and also avoid headaches. So I cut my caffeine intake down incrementally each day for a few weeks until I was totally off of it. Now I have decaf, or occasionally have a regular coffee or tea, but it doesn’t become a daily habit. I don’t like the overly buzzy feeling I get, I don’t like the headaches, and I don’t like not being able to sleep. So, addiction gone, honestly under control, and not a problem anymore.
I used to smoke on occasion. Especially in social situations, at a dinner party, or staying up late talking to a friend over a glass of wine. I smoked enough that it was something I had to decide not to do anymore. When I stopped, I thought about smoking and craved it for a long time afterward. At the beginning, there were maybe a few times when I had a cig or two. There were parts of it that were familiar and relaxing, and parts of it that were disgusting. It’s been years, and I still sometimes think about it or crave it, but I don’t do it, and it is easy not to. I know that it’s bad for me and causes cancer, and I know that it doesn’t give me whatever it once did without also giving me things that I don’t like, such as trouble breathing, nasty smell, health issues. It’s easy to say no, and to realize that the craving isn’t “real.” So, addiction gone, honestly under control, and not a problem anymore.
So in all of these cases I have been able to use the science to distance myself from the craving and be reasonable about it. Recognizing that the craving is there just because that’s the nature of the way the brain and body work once you’ve become addicted to something, and that it doesn’t actually have to translate into a behavior, and that it doesn’t have to be real, can give me distance from it and control over it. Kind of like when having pms and thinking, oh, this is pms, it’s chemical, it’s hormonal, but I’m not actually really this upset over xyz, so just calm down. It gives a layer of distance and protection and control.
But with the food I just haven’t been able to get the science to work for me in the same way, though I am still trying. There seems to be this other thing at hand, this internal self-destructive, self-sabotage, violent thing happening. When I do it I feel terrible, it takes me away from myself and away from my life and it makes me feel like I am not good enough and never will be and will never have what I want. It’s violent and uncomfortable and dangerous.
Over time I‘ve tried therapy and medications, neither of which worked. I’ve also tried reading books that focus on the emotional aspects of it, but they don’t help me at all, I don’t connect with them, they do not resonate.
The two things I read in the last year that I liked the most both had to do with the science of things. One was Anti-Cancer by David Servan-Schreiber, and one was The End Of Overeating by Daivd Kessler.
I’m going to keep trying, what else can I do? But I find it heartbreaking that there are things that I want to do that are so important to me and yet I am continuing to engage in this awful behavior. Maybe I’m right around the corner from a breakthrough. Maybe going for a whole month binge-free was part of working towards a solution. And maybe falling off the wagon after that month is part of it, and maybe it taking me a week to try to get my mojo back is part of it. I hope so. Because I want to be free of this. And the binge did have negative aspects like tasting bad and making me gag, so maybe it’s like when I quit the other things and was able to recognize the negative things right away, and that that’s progress. But I know I’m still not at the point where I can say that the craving isn’t real and doesn’t have to translate into a behavior. But that’s where I want to get to.
I think when I’ve been thin and fit, or when I’ve been successfully losing, I generally feel like that nutty professor movie where the guy takes a potion to get fit but then his molecules start to explode into a bigger heavier state and he can’t control or stop it. I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I want to be free of this.
Anyway, I guess I’m just wondering, what was it for any of you that you feel like set you free? I’m just trying to find the hope and the joy, which I’ve been feeling a little low on lately. Thanks.
skygirl... sooo much of what you said is my story too. one thing you might want to remember is that the other things you've quit can be truly, completely, quit. you can never smoke again if you choose that. you do, however, have to eat, every day... you cannot get away from that fact.
i am sorry that you posted this a little while ago and no one replied to it... i know what it is like to put yourself out there, looking for support and sometimes not receiving it...
if you made it even one day without binging, take it as a victory. i went a long time a few years ago without binging. i also refused to eat any sweets/treats at all, no birthday cake no chocolate no anything. it was not sustainable. i am not struggling with moderation and binging and starting to get the hang of it... true i am only on day 6 right now... i did go 5 months earlier this year though... so i know it can be done...
"we" are all here for you... you need to be there for you too... corny, i know.. very true though... no one can stop you binging but you...
skygirl... sooo much of what you said is my story too.
i know what it is like to put yourself out there...
"we" are all here for you... you need to be there for you too... corny, i know.. very true though... no one can stop you binging but you...
i am here to listen and help however i can...
Happytobeamomof2, thank you so so much for your response, it means so much to me.
I've tried so many times to get over the sugar/carb/binge thing. I recently made it through an entire month with no sugar/carbs/binges. It was the first time I'd been able to do that in literally years, and I was able to achieve some milestones (weight, bmi, clothes size) that I hadn't been at in years. I felt really good, lighter, healthier, clearer head, and most importantly, hopeful.
And then I binged. And I've been adrift since then, about two weeks I think. And I'm just trying to hold on as best I can and get back on track. Sometimes when I get off track it will be years before I can get back on, and I just don't want that to happen this time.
It's so important to me, and I was so disappointed in myself to see that I could engage in that kind of self-destructive behavior again, and that kind of violence towards myself, especially after feeling so hopeful.
I don't seem to be able to do the moderation thing, at least not at this point. Once that stuff goes in my mouth, it can set off a whole series of physical and emotional reactions that can be problematic. Maybe after a long time on plan without sugar/binges, and plenty of time at a healthy goal weight, then I can try to experiement with moderation, I don't know.
Anyway, I will continue to fight to move forward. And to try to learn whatever I can to help do that.
Congratulations on the progress you've made, and are making, I know it's hard.
And thanks again so much for your response, it really helps.
so lets stay on the wagon together then... hop back on with me... i am earning day 8 right now.... been a while since i've seen anything past a 7 and then 11 seems to be the next hardest so i am being extra vigilant right now... and yes, i am abstaining right now as well... sticking to plan 100% ... nothing extra until i 'purge' my system as it were...
do you post on the 'weekly binge free challenge' thread.... it is helpful for me to be 'accountable' and see others high numbers (like over 6 months for some!!!)
we can do this... and if we fall, it is okay...we can get right back up again! it doesnt have to be years or even months...
Hi skygirl, thank you so much for your post. I can relate to it so much and I was just thinking as well about why did I slip off my plan last week and what happened there. I also have somehow figured out the other addictions - I wanted to be able to smoke as and when, but I couldn't. I got hooked and I had to give up. I wanted to drink coffee as and when but I cannot do that either so I can't. I do like coffee and I wish I could have a cup today and another one after a month but I can't because tomorrow my head will be going have another coffee, just one small cup of coffee.
And food is a different one because we have to eat it every day. I think it is an addiction on every level, not just physical. Physically the brain gets a sugar high and craves it. But also having performed an action in certain set of circumstances, we allow for a habit to form.
I think to myself it is the sugar and the flour, truth is a can binge eat on anything, the fact that i have binge eaten on the above makes it almost instant to crave more every time I eat them. Last week i broke my plan by eating something in the office and now every time i am there, when the circumstances are similiar, then my head goes again just have a buiscuit. It is something within me that is developed as a habit or a response to emotions and thoughts. Any strong emotions would get my craving food. Whether it is depressing or exiting I will be craving it! I think it is because I have tought my body that food is what is coming when i feel certain way. So whenever I rebel to the world and have even small tension i just want to eat.
For me, the way forward is by not eating on emotions, full stop. This way i can have new habits of not eating. Also finding a new positive way to cope with my emotions and my life so I don't eat on them, such as talking to a friend or the person who got me feeling certain way. Looking at my oversensitivity towards the whole world, being positive and reminding myself that i am lovely, i am great, helping people instead of just thinking about myself, being in touch with other people with food problems. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT! Have faith and hope, it does work!
I can relate to wanting freedom, I said that to a cousellor once and he said to me well, you can't be free because you need to eat every day I thought to myself he hasn't got a clue what it feels like to be constantly obsessed with food and to want a relief from it! But I did eventually find a solution and I am living this solution today. And I will not go to the kitchen and eat more biscuits because if I do that today, my body will want to do it tomorrow!
Thank you for being here because you are helping me have one more binge free day today!
so lets stay on the wagon together then... hop back on with me... i am earning day 8 right now.... sticking to plan 100% ... nothing extra until i 'purge' my system as it were... do you post on the 'weekly binge free challenge' thread.... it is helpful for me to be 'accountable' and see others high numbers... we can do this... and if we fall, it is okay...we can get right back up again! it doesnt have to be years or even months...
Thanks Happytobeamomof2!! I will come and join all of you on the challenge. And congrats on your progress!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by hope for recovery
Hi skygirl, thank you so much for your post. I can relate to it so much
Last week i broke my plan by eating something in the office and now every time i am there, when the circumstances are similiar, then my head goes again just have a buiscuit. It is something within me that is developed as a habit or a response to emotions and thoughts. Any strong emotions would get my craving food. Whether it is depressing or exiting I will be craving it! I think it is because I have tought my body that food is what is coming when i feel certain way. So whenever I rebel to the world and have even small tension i just want to eat.
For me, the way forward is by not eating on emotions, full stop. IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT! Have faith and hope, it does work! And I will not go to the kitchen and eat more biscuits because if I do that today, my body will want to do it tomorrow! Thank you for being here because you are helping me have one more binge free day today!
Thank you Hope for recovery! I can totally relate about trying to break the cycle of the habits, triggers, emotions, and binges, and repeating behaviors when situations are similar, or locations are similar, or emtions are running high. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it really means a lot. And congrats on your progress!!
Trying to finally understand and control binges was what led me onto these forums when I first started lurking. I think that I, personally, have been in some seriously denial about the degree to which I have a food addiction problem. There is no baked good on earth that is safe from me when I know I can eat it without any social consequences.
Your story touches me 'cause I had a big moment of reckoning a few weeks ago when my boyfriend brought over TWO plates FULL of brownies, and when he left, left them BOTH at my house. After gorging myself on what was left of one plate, I managed to throw away the other so it wouldn't happen again. But then I had to explain to him what had happened to all his brownies (and he's a guy who will buy a muffin, eat half of it, and save the other half of it for later because he "wasn't hungry" which is something I barely even understand; I don't have to be hungry to eat TWO muffins.)
Explaining to someone else, aloud, that I can't control myself around food was really helpful. It forced me into thinking of uncontrolled eating as being precisely more like a disease than a simple "bad habit." It also helps me to articulate aloud the degree to which, once I'm in the grips of a binge, it is an unreasonable and (so far) untameable thing. Speaking it out loud finally brought to my attention what I was doing. It's sort of made me look it in the face.
I think maybe the reason you can't fight this with science is that the physiological nature of food addiction is really different from the physiological addiction to nicotine or caffeine. Nicotine and caffeine both provide quick boosts, or (as you become more addicted) merely maintain your normal levels. When you eat large amounts of food, there's no boost at all. You get boosts from *regular* amounts of food; when you binge, it's discomfort, bloating, and shame. The urge to keep pouring food into your body comes from this deep, essential place, and it's hard to argue against because you can't tell *why* your body wants it; is it starved for a particular nutrient? Tired? Sad? Starved in general? Science can't fight something it can't reason with/figure out the cause of.
This is where I am, too; trying to figure out how I can argue/discipline myself out of a binge, when the cravings come. The only success I've had so far has been in simply walking away from my home to a public place--the library, a coffee shop for tea--and getting myself out of temptation's way. Even then, sometimes the urge persists....
Thanks Rschroed! Sorry it took me so long to come back and say thank you. I have been in a horrible place and have only had small bursts of energy here and there to try to get out of it, and haven't been posting regularly or keeping up with things. I really appreciate your input here, as much of what you said really resonates with me.
I'm not giving up, even though this struggle to get through it often feels so unpleasant (serious understatement there). I'm going to keep trying to understand what is going on with the binge issues, why it happens, and how I can learn to deal with it and get beyond it. Thank you again!
Dissection Of A Binge, Need A Little Help (Seriously Long, Apologies)
