So I casually mentioned this weekend that I'm craving cheesecake -- Big Thanks to TOM - not. My SO, who I love deeply and I know WANTS to support me on this journey, shows up at my house last night, with not just one, not two, but THREE pieces of Cheesecake Factory Cheesecake. I had two bites of each flavor, and tried to get him to take them home, but he refused. When he left, I just wanted to throw them in the trash, but they went in the fridge. I didn't even like two of them, the third was ok, but why do I feel like I have to eat them? Cause they are $7 each? Yikes!
I could just strangle him. When I started trying to lose weight about 18 months ago, he couldn't have been more supportive. But the two friends who started with me have lost 50 pounds and almost 200 respectively, and both have lost their minds - one is cheating on her husband, the other iis considering it, and has become an exercise junkie. I'm sure he thinks if I lose, I will follow suit. How can I approach him about his lack of support?
Honestly next time I wouldn't even eat the cake. I'd also tell him that his support means a lot to you and it hurts you that he brings this temptation to you. Ask him if he has any fears about you losing weight and if he says anything re-assure him that you aren't your friends and don't condone their behavior.
I had to have this talk with my hubby ages ago- I said that he doesn't have a hard time with food, but I do. He can eat whatever he wants, but I can't. And I said I really need his support in this- and he agreed and since then it's been great.
Also- if you work give the cheesecake away there. That's what I do everytime my aunt brings me sweets.
Throw the cheesecake away! You didn't spend the $7 per slice--there's no way you would have! Having it in your house means you will eat it. Otherwise, why would you have it? Just get rid of it, by any means necessary (except for that path through your mouth into your stomach, of course!)
It's just not worth having it around. If you eat it, will you get the cash value for it? I get not wanting to waste money, but...it's just not worth it!
First, be glad you have a man that gives gifts! Many don't. Second, support means different things to different people, and if you are not specific about what that support means to you, he won't know and will only guess at it. It's funny that we become overweight from thinking of food as a treat, but when we diet and others give us food as a treat, we get mad. Doesn't really make sense. lol.
That being said, it's always up to you to decide the outcome. I stopped treating food as the enemy and others as saboteurs. No one and no food has power over me, it is my decision to eat or not eat.
What I would have done in your situation is to have given him a big hug and kiss for being so thoughtful, told him that I would save them for another time when I could afford the calories and put them in the freezer. This puts a pause into the situation without hurting any feelings. Hopefully he may have asked about the "affording the calories" and that would have been a good opening to talk about the program I am on.
Ending options could be many things, depending on your needs. You could figure out the calories and slice them into affordable slices and keep frozen and have a piece now and then. You could wait and serve them to guests. You could make a few desserts that fit your program and invite a few friends over for "dessert and coffee". Then the cheesecake gets absorbed into other selections. Or simply give them to a neighbor or friend....or toss them.
Douse the cheesecake with dish soap and throw it away!!
I think the best way to approach this is to be upfront with him. Tell him you appreciate it so much that he was listening and wanted to help you feel better during your TOM. But...that you prefer he just provide a shoulder to cry on when you're feeling down, not food. Tell him that gifts of food feel like an attempt to sabotage your hard work and that you loved how supportive he was when you first started losing and that you need that back.
Also let him know how crazy you think your friends are for doing what they've done and that there's absolutely no way you would be unfaithful to him. Ask him how he feels about the whole thing, and give him a chance to be honest.
Many men (and some women too) are "fixers." They like to do practical things to help a person they care about feel better; and they prefer actions to words. From that perspective, purchasing cheesecake for you is very practical solution and doesn't involve much "talking about it." He was probably trying to be supportive in the way that he knows how; and it's highly likely that what's happened with your friends that have lost weight has no bearing on how he thinks/feels/acts about your weight loss efforts.
Since I have changed my lifestyle, it has been difficult for my husband to find practical ways to make me feel better and comfort me. In the past, he knew that he could always run out and pick me up a mocha, and that would make me feel quite happy and loved; but since I no longer eat sugar nor consume caffeine regularly, mochas aren't a solution that works. This has left him at a loss for what to do.
When you speak to your SO, I'd suggest offering practical alternatives that will really help you feel better. Perhaps he could give you a backrub, bring you a no-sugar chocolate treat, do a chore for you, or something else. Then he won't have to fall back on practical support that feels to you like it's sabotaging your efforts.
He's trying to please/nurture. Give him props there even though it isn't your preferred methodology.
If it makes you crazy to have it around just get rid of it. I can see placing in fridge so it doesn't hurt BF's feelings but once he is gone? Bag and step on them so they are inedible. Then trash. Problem solved. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Rejecting too much dessert is not the same as rejecting BF's love/nurture attempt.
Why project friend's crazy on to BF? You don't know for sure what he is thinking without asking.
Just print the post thread, give it to read and ask him if there's any grain of truth in there.
I had to redefine support, because I was driving both hubby and myself mad.
If he brought me a treat, he was sabotaging.
If he ate a treat in front of me, he was sabotaging.
If he asked if I wanted any, he was sabotaging.
If he didn't ask if I wanted any, he was assuming I couldn't control my own behavior.
If he never offered or brought me an off-plan food, he was controlling and playing food police.
If I decided to eat off plan and he didn't say anything, he was enabling.
If I decided to eat off plan and he did say something, he was controlling.
The truth is sabotage is often in our minds, not the minds of our perceived saboteurs.
Even when I told my husband what I thought I wanted, the fact was he recognized there was a no-win component involved. What I said I wanted, and what I really wanted didn't always seem to be the same thing.
For example, we both learned (only by talking) that when I am hormonal around TOM, I would tell him that I didn't want him bringing home beef, chocolate, or cheesecake (my specific TOM cravings), but if he brought it, I ate it and obviously felt better (translation: I was a lot nicer to him). If it wasn't in the house, I was crabby and mean to him. He felt beef and chocolate were his only defense against my "werewolf."
We've addressed the issue by discussing it and trying various strategies. Our current choice is working pretty well. He has chocolate hidden somewhere in the house. He doesn't eat it in my presence (and tries to remember not to ask me if I want any if he's going to get some for himself).
If I ask for it, he will get it for me (this is our agreement, so he's not making decisions for me). I'm going through TOM right now, and I did ask him last night if we had any chocolate. He said yes, and I asked if he would bring me a piece. He went and got the ziploc baggy he'd hidden and asked what I wanted or if I wanted him to bring me the whole bag and I asked him just to bring me two bite-sized candy bars and put the rest away.
I do know where he's hiding it (because I suggested the place) it's in a soup pot on the highest shelf in our pantry - but if I want it, I either have to ask him to reach it (he's 6'2") or I need to go get a step stool to stand on.
Having it out of sight and out of reach means that if I want it, I have to go way out of my way to get it, and the extra thought required insures that it's a conscious decision and not an impulsive one.
Sadly, it's taken eight years of marriage for me to even think of this solution. We've only been doing it about a month, and I have to say it's worked out so far tremendously.
I have to agree with kaplods...my husband and I have been on the merry go round of unwinnable situations before. Not with food, since I am just starting the whole weight loss deal, but your idea to make chocolate a conscious decision is a good one!
Out of sight isn't always out of mind, but if we have to work to cheat it makes us think about it a little longer!
Men!!! Grrrr!!!! Rant!!!
