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Old 07-12-2009, 10:50 AM   #1
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Default How stupid is this? Eating to get back at myself for being fat

I don't know what's wrong with me. This morning I was getting ready for church, and my clothes were just so tight I couldn't stand it. My slip feels like a sausage casing, and even my elastic waistband skirt felt uncomfortably tight around the waist. I've been on an unstoppable gain period lately, and this morning, I'd just had it.

I was so mad at myself and this fat that I HATE. I peeled off the too-tight clothes, threw them on the bed, changed into my usual ratty, stained, every day wear, didn't go to church--but headed for the kitchen to get something to eat.

How stupid is this? I hate myself and I hate this fat, but still I go to the cupboard to grab some cookies, finish off the bag of potato chips, eat a handful of mini Reese's. I'd already had two pieces of cinnamon toast and a small plate of macaroni salad for breakfast, so here it is not even noon yet, and I'm way, way, way over my calories for the day.

I don't know if it would do any good to just say I'm starting over again at noon today, and try to eat within calories, disregarding whatever damage I did with my eating this morning.

I've been hypothyroid (and on medication for it) for ten years. In that time, I've either stayed the same or gained. I've never been able to lose more than maybe four or five pounds, and even then, it doesn't stay off for long.

At this time I'm so disgusted, frustrated, and discouraged that I don't think I'll ever be able to stick to any kind of eating plan, even something as relatively simple as merely counting calories. I also figure, what's the use, I probably won't lose anyway.

Has anybody here ever started out so discouraged you could barely start over again, but then went on to be able to lose down to a normal weight? I don't even care about "thin". I'd just like to be healthier and able to move around better.

This is what I feel like today
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:03 AM   #2
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Stupid? Yes.
The only one who's done it? No.

I don't know the answer (big help me posting then, ey) but I do recognize the feeling. I've started and stopped over and over again, and rage-eating has been a big part of that for me. So far I've had no rage-eating episodes (though plenty of rage) since my January re-start, and have lost 49lbs. It's possible, is all I'm saying. Start again from the very next meal.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:05 AM   #3
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Do not feel bad~We have all had are "Not so proud Of ourselves Moments"
After eading what you said I have one suggestion that helped me~Do not bring those items into your home....Only place in low calorie snacks(maybe sugar free pudding ,Sugar free jello ,ect.~And get rid of the junk food with high calories. If I bring junk food in ~that I can find I wanna eat it like crazy...Especially during a bad moment for me~like when the clothes aren't fitting right....Those moments SUCK! So I know how you feel and it triggers depression eating.

Just start over imediately and Throw out the junk food.
It's healthier for the whole household and if someone honestly needs it Have them hide it.
I still buy my hubby some high calorie snacks because he is so active and is 6'1" and just weighs 168 So he needs some high calorie stuff~Although I would perfer healthier stuff for him~It's the only way he gets enough calories for the day.

I NO LONGER HAVE COOKIES~CANDY~OR CHIPS IN THE HOUSE~90% of the time. My kids have even lost weight from the changes. They griped about it at first ~now there Fine with it.Plus they are so much more active & happier.

FOR EXAMPLE PURPOSES ONLY: My hubby is a recovering alcoholic.
If he had beer in the house he would eventually cave or being tempted....

Just get the junk food outta of the house..... I Use to eat a candy bar everyday Or 2 or 3 of them at once~Plus cookies all day long ~and chips all day long~And little debbie cakes.I do not even miss them now.
You get use to going without them.
Trust me on this one~It will work~lots of luck ~I am so proud of you for posting .
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Last edited by Lori259; 07-12-2009 at 11:14 AM.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:11 AM   #4
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I have done this ,so many times. When I was disgusted w/myself. I have no words of advice,since I am still trying to win this battle. However,it is getting easier.I am realizing I am not going to be perfect,but have to keep fighting the battle until I get there. I will not give up!Like Ailidh said,start w/the next meal. You can do it!

Last edited by Tracy; 07-12-2009 at 11:13 AM.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:32 AM   #5
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Don't try to bring yourself down for mistakes you've already made. What's done is done. Forget about what you did and start over new. There's always time to change the road you're on. It's discouraging when you're the one person standing in your way of what you want, but it's also encouraging when you realize that you're in control of yourself. Motivation is hard to come by and you will slip up, but always remember once you stat a good habit, it'll only get better from there. If you can't lose more than 5 lbs at a time, why not make 5 lbs a small goal? From there just keep making those small goals until you get to where you want to be. Don't worry, if you keep it going, you'll feel better about yourself in no time.
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Old 07-12-2009, 11:55 AM   #6
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Thank you, ladies, for replying to me. I know it's hard to know what to say sometimes when somebody is mainly just venting.

You are all doing so well! If I could even get myself back into the 260s, it would be major progress, since I haven't been able to do it for at least 5 years now. 5 years spent in the 270s and low 280s, ugh.

"Rage eating" and "depression eating" are both good terms, and they describe some of what I do.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do, but I know that I want today to have been the LAST time I skip church because I feel so fat and ugly, and have nothing that fits right.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:11 PM   #7
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I'm sorry! I know I've done that before and it is super frustrating. Just eat a normal low cal dinner and you are back on plan. A couple things that have helped me; if I'm not hungry but want to eat I make a rule that I can only eat fruit or veggies- no dip! If I'm mad or frustrated I work out instead of eating. I also limit the junk food in my house, no more 100 cal packs, candy or chips in the house.

Good luck, as other posters have said you can do this!
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:36 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Truffle View Post
You are all doing so well! If I could even get myself back into the 260s, it would be major progress, since I haven't been able to do it for at least 5 years now. 5 years spent in the 270s and low 280s, ugh.

(
Look at your ticker....you are only 9 pounds away from being in the 260's. 9 pounds! That's do-able, right? First thing I would do is to get that junk out of the house. If it's not there, you can't eat it. Get some good healthy snacks so that when you feel this way, you can go pop up a bag of 100-calorie popcorn and have a glass of iced tea with it, or a sliced peach, or some yogurt with a banana in it. I've been keeping those little personal watermelons in the fridge and having a chunk of that whenever I feel the need to snack.

I'm guessing that if you can get that tempting junk out of the house and take it one meal at a time, you can be in the 260's. You can do this!
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:38 PM   #9
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Truffle, I'm so sorry you had a down morning. I've had PLENTY of those myself. My poor husband had to witness me balling my eyes out while throwing ALL the clothes out of my closet that I had gotten to big for all the while screaming that I hated myself. Then all I wanted to do was go to McDonald's and shove french fries in my face.

But here's the up part. That was just ONE day. You only went off plan for a morning. You can totally right it by making better choices for the rest of the day. Get out and walk. Do some crunches. Get your heart pumpin'! And eat a light dinner. Do all these things and you will be right back on track in no time. Just don't let one day completely throw you. EVERYONE has their down days. EVERYONE. We ALL have. But you gotta just pick right back up and do better the next day.

And if I was you, I would get rid of all that junk that you have in your kitchen. It makes it too easy for you when you are feeling down to go comfort yourself with it.

You can do this, hon! You can!
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:58 PM   #10
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Yes, it`s stupid and yes, I`ve done it myself. It`s hard to explain why because I know full well that it SO STUPID!

Is it giving in? "I`m fat already so another peanut butter sandwich won`t make a difference!"

Is it punishing yourself: "You are so fat, you don`t deserve being taken care of!"

Or is it sadness: "I am so sad about being fat that I need food to cheer me up?"

I wish I`d no because then I could start doing something about it...
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:02 PM   #11
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Thank you for the support, everybody!

I haven't been "off plan" for only one day though. I never even make it through a day. The five pounds my ticker shows I lost were from LAST year. Can you believe it---I went up and down, up and down, so much that I only ended up five pounds down after a year.

To make things even more difficult, I seem to be one of those who has trouble with carbs. The merest taste makes me want more, more, more, and I can blow up just by eating bread. Then again, I don't have any better luck sticking to a low carb plan either, so I feel like I'm really up a "crick".

Sometimes I get so exhausted from all the false tries, I just plain don't want to try any more, but I have to or else I'll be into the 300s in no time.

*Sigh*
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:20 PM   #12
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One meal at a time - If you lose it for a meal, don't feel you've blown it, just do better for the rest of the day.

Get rid of the junk! The easiest way to not eat it is to not have it around! To heck with the people who say you need to learn self-control. My method of self control is to have it not available!

Cravings - find something that fits your plan that will satisfy those cravings. I LOVE dairy, ice cream, and chocolate. Those are built into my plan, because if they weren't, I'd fail. I'm eating low fat or fat free versions, but they are still there and probably always be. If you crave salty things, or crunchy things, or whatever, try to substitutes.

And I read something on this forum once - if you want to binge or eat something you shouldn't - go for it! But you've got to do it naked in front of your mirror. That has kept me so on track. I don't EVEN want to go there! Nothing that I want that much. Not even Doritos. Though I do miss those.

You CAN do it! You're posting this, that means you want to. Go throw the junk out!
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Old 07-12-2009, 02:57 PM   #13
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And I read something on this forum once - if you want to binge or eat something you shouldn't - go for it! But you've got to do it naked in front of your mirror. That has kept me so on track. I don't EVEN want to go there! Nothing that I want that much. Not even Doritos. Though I do miss those.

You CAN do it! You're posting this, that means you want to. Go throw the junk out!
Ha ha on eating naked in front of the mirror! NOBODY would want to see that, that's for sure. I don't think *I* could even watch that.

Yup, gotta get a grip and pull myself back up on the wagon...
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Old 07-12-2009, 07:52 PM   #14
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I know you said that you don't think you'd ever be able to stick to an eating plan.... like counting calories... but you know what?? I said the EXACT same thing.

Now... that's what I'm doing.

I count calories, and I keep a food journal. And you know what? At first it seems so darned complicated... but honestly, you get the hang of it and eventually you quit having to actually weigh stuff out and you can just eyeball it and KNOW how much you're supposed to have, etc. I think the calorie counting, and journaling, are just methods to keep you on track and TEACH you how you were supposed to be eating all along.

And, as people have said above, REMOVE the temptation from your home. If its there, you're going to want it. I've taken out about 90% of junk food from my house, and only left my grandma's personal snacks there since she can't just get up in the middle of the night and go to the store like me and my brother can. And as they both know, if they want it... they can go get it and eat then and there. And you know what? They respect that and haven't complained AT ALL.
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Old 07-12-2009, 10:14 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Truffle View Post
I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do, but I know that I want today to have been the LAST time I skip church because I feel so fat and ugly, and have nothing that fits right.
You know, one of the coolest things about God is that He loves us no matter what we wear to church. If all you have that fits is a pair of jeans and t-shirt, then wear it - who cares what anyone else says. If they are uncomfortable with you, that's their problem, not yours.

As far as the anger eating/depression eating, I agree with all the people who said that the first step is to get all that junk food out of your house. Your family will be healthier for it. Don't let them sabotage you.



edited to add: I read in one of your posts that you have an especially hard time with carbs. Can I suggest that it might just be "white" carbs that you have a problem with, which causes the spiral? White carbs include things like white bread, white potatoes, regular pasta, and white sugar. When I first started my journey, I stayed completely away from all those things. (I substituted whole-wheat breads and pastas - the pastas sparingly.) It really helped me detox. When I get cravings now, it's not for garlic-buttered noodles and butter-and-sugar sandwiches; it's for yogurt and whole-wheat fiber cereal.
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