Ok, so I woke up in not so good of a mood. My SO has been spending more and more time away from home---having a beer with buddies, volunteer firefighter meetings, work, training, etc.
I told him I was unhappy at him adding training to his schedule and he stated "fine I'll move back home".
INSTANT HUNGER!
When I tried to explain I MISSED him, and I tried to explain I like to spend family time together with him, he got defensive. (My stomach is growling now, maybe I should eat?)
I tried to diffuse the situation. I am VERY UPSET. I keep thinking how does this man love me when he spends more time on himself and with "his life" then he does with me and my son? I'm beginning to feel lonely and it hurts because I love him so much. We still cuddle at night and watch stuff on tv together--but as far as quality time--I'm on empty.
I've decided to give up. I'm going to give up on trying to have family dinners. I'm going to give up on trying to get everyone together for quality time. I don't think I will be happy like that for very long. But I don't feel like I have a choice? I'm just going to let him do his thing. He doesn't seem to appreciate me being home for him when he gets off work. He doesn't appreciate having a home cooked dinner. I'm going to let him have "his life".
I got on the scale this morning, and it was great I haven't been this low a weight since 2007. However, it's dampened by the heartache I feel.
I'm on that TOM too. I need to REMEMBER now--the only problem food can solve is hunger. I need to drill that into my head.
Jen I am sending you the biggest hug I can. The only advice I can give is don't comfort yourself with food. It doesn't fix things at all, I have tried this many times. You are a smart woman, you know this already. Concerntrate on taking care of yourself and your kids.
OH I forgot to add the real kicker. The real kicker was when he came out of the bathroom while I was dealing with my "Instant Hunger Cues" from the stress now causing Cortisol to flood through my bloodstream. I'm choking back tears, biting my tongue from saying something in ANGER that I really don't mean....laying there thinking how a box of girl scout cookies could be my best friend and listening to my stomach growling! Battling myself that I CAN AND WILL make it out of the $#@#@& 180s. And he says
"hmmm...my pants are getting loose, I have to gain some weight"
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!
Thank you for the support. I have come to the point again at 10:46 that my hunger is a good sign. It means I am not overfed, and my body has to burn stored fat in order for it to get nutrients it needs.
HUGS to you!
I am not sure whether you just want the person right now who will give you hugs and tell you that it'll work out, or if you want the person who gives advice on how to react now. So first I will be the huggy person. We all go through big and little fights and seem to get through mostly intact.
Now if you don't want the advice person, go ahead and disregard the following.
I have no idea what your home life is like, so I am taking a shot in the dark here. Does your SO look forward to coming home to you and your son? If you think he doesn't, what could you do that would make him WANT to come home to you? Is it a kiss at the door? Excited-ness to see him come home? A sexy new outfit? Maybe you can ask him what he looks forward to when he gets there. It'll give you insight to what he wants without having to ask him flat out. He might even just need a few minutes to decompress when he comes in. It could be a simple thing or something complex, but by knowing what he looks forward to you can change his day and outlook with a snap of your fingers. Best of luck. [/COLOR]
You know maybe it's better he does move out. And then you can find a man who knows how to balance friends and family... I mean sure guys want to hang out with their friends now and then but being an adult and in a relationship with a child means learning to realize you can't be with the guys 24/7 and expect to come home whenever he feels like it. I doubt you make the time together unpleasant- but some guys just want to have their cake and eat it too and it just doesn't work that way!
My friend dated a guy like this- always partied- she was always alone- she did all she could. Finally she'd had enough and moved out. Long story short she's now dating someone who isn't selfish about HIS needs only and is much happier
I've decided to give up. I'm going to give up on trying to have family dinners. I'm going to give up on trying to get everyone together for quality time. I don't think I will be happy like that for very long. But I don't feel like I have a choice? I'm just going to let him do his thing. He doesn't seem to appreciate me being home for him when he gets off work. He doesn't appreciate having a home cooked dinner. I'm going to let him have "his life".
I agree and disagree with parts of this. I think if family dinners are important to you, don't give up on them. The thing is, it's still a family dinner with you and your child. That's a choice *you* make. Because it's valuable to you. He can't take away from that. I mean, you're not just out of luck on family dinners if you don't happen to have a boyfriend, right? If it's not valuable to him, you most certainly can't make it so. You have to evaluate if his values are really compatible with yours.
Thanks everyone for the advice. Of course I didn't mean that I would stop having dinner with my son. I meant I would stop trying to include him. When he comes home--instead of me waiting there to put dinner on his plate and sit with him--he'll just come home to "eat what he feels like".
And I won't drop everything for him either. I'll make game time for me and my son--and not try to get him involved. Maybe he doesn't really want me and my son and our life. Maybe he does but he just misses being alone? I'm going to give him his space. Treat him more like a houseguest than a functioning member of my family.
He usually comes home to a hot meal, a warm kiss, and a friendly smile. He is taking all that for granted---so I won't be so free to give it to him anymore.
Hon, no advice, just keep your chin up. Do what you think is best for your and your son. Treat yourself with kindness and love, because if you don't love yourself, how are you gonna love anyone else??? Don't take all the responsibility of the relationship on YOU -- no one is perfect, and you shouldn't have to feel that you have to do the 1950s housewife thing (poodle skirt, full makeup, a martini at the door, and the young ones quiet in their rooms... ) to "keep your man happy". You have the right to be happy. You'll work through this. Just keep your chin UP.
Kira
You need a big , and I hope you can truly feel it! Now, go to the mirror, give your self that big , and tell yourself that YOU are worthy of the exact type of love that you continuously extend to your son and your SO. Please don't settle for less.
I spent YEARS trying to convince a SO that he needed to be there for me and my son, the way I was there for him. After years of heartache, self-esteem issues, begging, pleading, co-depenency, kissing butt and losing all sense of myself, I left.
He regretted it the second I walked out; and has ever since.
I am sorry (for him) to say that by the time I said goodbye, it was too late. I was already DONE with the pain and ready to receive the love I deserved from someone worthy.
I am now married to the most wonderful man. He is everything I need and deserve. We have expanded our family, and he is the same father he is to our daughter that he is to my son. My children and I are very, very lucky. Is it always "perfect"? Of course not. True, committed, trustworthy love takes work and dedication each and every day. But it takes two. You cannot support a relationship all by yourself.
I am not telling you to what you should do one way or the other. Only you can find that answer deep in your soul. But I do want you to know that the love you need and deserve is out there for you. Maybe it's with him, maybe it's not. But, please, do not sacrifice yourself or your son for his happiness. Reciprocal love should not feel like a sacrifice. You'll know it's right if at the end of each and everyday, you feel as surrounded by the love you receive as that that you give.
Thanks everyone. He actually came home early for dinner, I was suprised! We had already started eating. He sat with us for one plate and then went and watched baseball.
emotional crisis--the real test!
