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Old 06-25-2009, 10:14 AM   #16
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i totally think ED's are a manifestation of bruised boundaries. Your ex stepped all over your boundaries in some way, and you turned to the ED. To feel like you had control again.

I am a personal fan of writing my feelings in a journal release pent up emotions and anger and being able to forgive those who hurt me by letting the hurt come through instead of pushing it aside and forgiving without even dealing with the pain (psuedoforgiveness). I am a pushover by nature.
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Old 06-27-2009, 01:31 AM   #17
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"Pseudoforgiveness" - that's a great word! Very descriptive! I love it!
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Old 06-29-2009, 07:41 AM   #18
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I have been rolling with the failure to believe and mostly I come up with, I don't need to eat my emotions, I can confront my emotions. This has led to some days where they lie close to the surface. I spent one morning sitting in my office crying. I am as always and imperfectly failing to believe in ED, he has no place in my life and never did.

I do want to share something that did cut my portions back yesterday and first I want to say I am not judging, because when I see obese people I see emotional pain being worn on the outside.

Here I am shopping and its past lunch time and I am over hungry. Along comes this woman 50ish, approx 5'-5'2, somewhere around the 400 lb mark, huffing and puffing, with a walker. She sits down at a table and can't scoot her chair up, in fact her belly is pushing it further away. At this point I can see her skirt is not zipped. With much frustration and more puffing she pulls the table towards her. She makes me want to cry. I hear ED screaming inside me in disgust! Eat your food and you will be just like her! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT NOW!

I breathe. I said fear is not a good reason to purge, besides I don't do that I confront my fears and emotions Am I full? In another 3 bites I was.

I wanted to talk to her, to comfort her, to tell her there is hope and she didn't have to hide behind her body. I had no words. I bought shoes.

Today I will include her in my prayers, she has no idea how much alike so many of us are.
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Last edited by rochemist; 06-29-2009 at 07:42 AM.
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Old 07-01-2009, 09:23 AM   #19
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Here is another thought my brain has been playing with. I can have my emotions, I SHOULD HAVE MY EMOTIONS! But they are so separate from reality. Last night I came home to an empty house and all along the way it was a pity party for one inside my head, I recognized it. Its easy to recgnise because it is full of buts. I should have my bike ride and eat my food plan, but you don't understand I talked to no one but my boss and people in training sessions, no one has touched or hugged me for over 12 hours, but I feel so alone.

The truth of course is I have lots of people who love me. The truth is I do just fine on my own. The truth is eating will not make me feel more loved or hugged. So I ate my dinner and I had a Popsicle for dessert.

I am still struggling, but I am not counting BP free days any more. I don't want to label myself with my ED. I want to fail to believe that ED exists. I want acceptance to take another turn where I accept me and my emotions.

One day at a time.
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:52 AM   #20
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For me, suggestions of emotional maturity/immaturity strike a cord. I may say: I used to..., but I am now a grown up and know tht this does not solve anything!
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