Hope I'm not stepping on any toes here, since it seems like WardHog usually starts this thread, but I'm just itchin' to talk about my binging, LOL...

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ladies! Let's make this a binge-free week. All are welcome.

Today was day 37 for me, but I must confess that it was very, veeeeeeery close. Basically, my iPod accidentally fell into my bath, and in a panic I essentially (unknowingly) did exactly what you're NOT supposed to do in order to fix water damage, and I'm pretty sure it's fried. My iPod is pretty much my lifeline (and I especially need it now, because I've been using it to listen to audiobooks for the classes where I have like 200 pages of reading every night), so I was/am just SO angry with myself--not just because I was stupid enough to let it fall into the bath in the first place, but also because I didn't have the sense to look up ways to fix it right away! The only reason I didn't is because it seemed okay at first--it was still playing!! It was only like 5 minutes later (after the inside had probably been COMPLETELY fried, instead of just kinda fried like it might've been if I have turned it off right now) that it suddenly died completely, and now I'm worried that now it's too late to do anything about it... Normally water damage is pretty reparable, but instead I pretty much guaranteed that it wouldn't be. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.

So, naturally I was (and still am!) REALLY upset about this, and I had the weirdest sensation of just wanting to binge sooooo badly. SO badly. I was thinking of those vegan cookies that I still have saved up (2 left!), and my stock of Luna Bars, and that chocolate bar that's been in my room for like 1.5 months, all I wanted to do was stuff my face with ALL of it. And lemme tell ya, this time cut it MUCH closer than any of the other urges I've had in the past few weeks... I definitely felt a distinct difference in my train of thought--it's difficult to explain, but I could FEEL myself sinking into the same way of thinking/forced rationalization that always precedes a binge. I started telling myself, You've been SO good and having such good losses lately; this one little binge won't *kill* you; everyone binges from time to time; the ladies on 3FC will forgive you, and so on and so forth... It was so close.

Ultimately, I guess it just came down to me knowing that I could NOT accept that bullsh*t from myself: I essentially had to smack myself (hard!) and try to remember that binging makes me feel awful, and that every time I've tried to comfort myself with food in the past, it has only ever made me feel waaay worse. I know this - I *know* this - and I also know that NO food, no matter how delicious it may be, is going to help me fix my iPod. Plus, I had a really good weigh-in today, and I'm only 2 lbs away from goal, and I REALLY didn't want to have mess all that up (not to mention that I would have had to restart my count of binge-free days)... Not this time.

To make matters worse, before this had even happened, I had already made plans to go to a vegan restaurant that I absolutely loooove, so it was really tempting to get a huge meal/dessert/etc... Honestly, I don't know how I resisted--before the binge monster could tell the waiter what I really wanted, I somehow just went on autopilot and ordered something relatively healthy (and only ate half of it because it was waaay too spicy for my taste). I thought about getting a dessert to go so I could enjoy it later (they even had my absolute FAVORITE peanut butter and chocolate cake!), but I knew I wouldn't really be able to enjoy if I was still preoccupied with thinking about my iPod, plus it's just generally NOT a good idea to have food around me when I'm this upset. Finally, my friend and I went shopping afterwards and I was able to blow off a little steam by buying some new dresses, heh... Sure, "retail therapy" may not be the healthiest replacement for my binging habit, but I'd rather drain my bank account a bit than screw up everything that I've accomplished. At least this coping method leaves me with new clothes that show off my smaller body and make me feel great, instead of a painful stomach, 1000s of extra calories, and feelings of being a total failure!

Ugh. I wrote waaay too much, as usual, but I just had to get that out. I'm proud of myself for resisting, but it does scare me that I came so close! But I guess if I can get through that, I can get through anything!

Star good for you for not going on that binge. More positive speak and less anger will help. We all make mistakes, this is the way we lean. So far from supid sounds like you had a learning oppurtunity.

My chance to learn came yesterday. I blew out my knee in 2006 running on the beach, blew it again in 2007 and had orthoscopic surgery. The doctor warned though that pushing it would be bad. Yesterday I chose to walk 14 mi, about 2 mi more than my body can handle. The knee thing was such a betrayal and when my body doesn't do what I want i get frustrated. So I wil get to limp around for the next 2 days and probably need to really keep my food clean because excercise is out for at least that long.

Star - I am so proud of you. Way to go not binging! I totally understand though. My cellphone is my lifeline (I'm a total textaholic) and one day at work, it fell out of my apron into the toilet! I ALMOST DIED. It's broken for good because I didn't really want to dunk my hands in toilet water!

Day #8 for me. It feels good to be in control again.

rochemist - You're right; it was a learning experience for sure... I'm glad that I'm getting better at recognizing when I'm slipping into the irrational mode of thinking that brings about binging! That way I'm more likely to be able to put a stop to it before it grabs hold of me too firmly. And *ouchie* about your knee, girly!! Be careful about not pushing yourself too hard for the next couple days. That knee has to last you the rest of your life, ya know! Heh.

WormwoodDoll - WTG on day 8 and taking control again! You are doing so awesomely. And thank you for the consolation about my situation yesterday--I'm SO glad that you understand! I was wondering if it would sound weird/dumb that I was so close to binging over something like that, but my iPod is seriously like my most prized possession. It would have been a HUGE loss!

Yep, I say "would have been" because as it turns out, I *think* my iPod may be salvageable after all! I don't want to get my hopes up, but after leaving it submerged in a bowl of uncooked white rice for 12+ hours (people swear by this tactic for water-damaged electronics--rice is a natural desiccant, helps draw water out of all the little cracks and crevices, etc) it still appears to have some moisture stuck under the screen, BUT when I hooked it up to my iHome to see if it would charge up, it seemed to be working normally, charging, playing songs, and so on... God, I hope so. Fingers crossed!!! Beyond that, today was day 38 for me, and knowing that the whole thing with my iPod *might* be okay after all just makes me all the more proud that I didn't binge over it yesterday... I really would have been regretting that today! Instead, overall I'd say I had a pretty darn good day.

Hope your Ipod is okay.

My food is clean but I will admit to an urge to binge. My boy and I have different styles and I need way more affection than he is use to giving, this builds to a resentment in me and I find I think food may be a way to fill that need. I know this is a lie, and I wrote to my fella about it this morning. It probably won't change a whole lot, but between acceptance and naming my emotions I feel healthier any way.

On a different not, this 6' tall man has been *****ing about the scale. He just reached 200 lbs after struggling at 205 for a few weeks. I am a little jealous. Especially since I seem to lose a pound about every 2 weeks. It is what it is.

^ But ya know, I think it's good that you've noticed that you two have "different styles" like you said, and how this affects your feelings (and consequently your eating habits)... Any time that you're able to move towards identifying your own personal triggers, you're always moving towards having a better ability of recognizing it when you fall into that familiar behavior--and stopping it!! WTG for sharing your feelings with your boyfriend, too. I'm sure it wasn't easy, but IMO it's only going to help you to have good communication with him and feel okay about venting your frustrations a little. 'Grats!

Day 39 for me today, and holding strong! I was exhaaaaausted during the later part of the day because I got like 3 hours of sleep last night (I seem to be having mysterious bouts of insomnia lately--no idea why, but I am NOT enjoying it! ), but other than that I've been feeling pretty good.

I am SO looking forward to this weekend--all kinds of fun stuff going on! It needs to hurry up and get here already!!

Day #9 is completed. And I was curious so I weighed myself this morning and got 203.8lbs -- not too shabby with TOM around. I normally gain 5ish pounds when he visits. So I can't wait to way 2 days post-TOM and see what my results are! ONEDERLAND HERE I COME!

I had a BP fantasy this morning. In the fantasy I had brought my make-up with me and hadn’t worn any. I had stopped at Burger King and got some sandwiches, French toast sticks, and some cinnamon rolls (do they even have those things there anymore? It’s been a long time since BK breakfast). Then I stopped at Dunking and got a dozen glazed and I could see myself eating all this food, just stuffing it into me. I could feel the full feeling and the satisfaction, and I could see myself stopping at one of the rest areas along the way and going in and throwing up. I would wash my face and apply make-up and it would be like it never happened. It was a very full fantasy and I could taste and feel every part of it. It seems much planned and I had no idea this sort of thing was lurking around the corners of my mind. In some ways it scares me. I could see myself doing these things. By telling you will I take away its power or will I find myself hating me inside some rest area stall, disappointed that I still can’t deal with the waves of my own emotions? It frustrates me that they are so hard to name and own after all this time and all this work. I hope this is just fleeting and I will try to turn it over to HF. If anyone can deal He can.

I thought I would share because I am less than perfect and I deal with ED everyday.

I too am looking for the weekend, but mostly because I want to snuggle my fella.

WormwoodDoll - Oooo, you are SO close to Onederland! How exciting!! Can't wait for you to get there, girly. Yeah, if you're weighing in at that much even with TOM being in town, I'd say you are definitely knowing on Onederland's door... Fingers crossed for ya!

rochemist - Wow, that sounds like it must have been so difficult to deal with... Was this a dream, or just a really vivid daydream? Either way, you should know that you are not alone--I can't speak for any of the other ladies of course, but I know that I myself have definitely had TONS of "binge fantasies," where I'm lying in bed thinking of exactly what I would eat if I were to binge at that moment, picturing myself downing entire packages of cookies/chips/whatever, eating a whole loaf of bread with a jar of peanut butter, going to a restaurant and ordering the hugest entree on the menu + appetizers/dessert, and so on... I don't think it's too abnormal to think about these things, considering your (our) past with this kind of behavior. And yeah, it's always extremely frustrating when you're confronted with urges like this, because it feels like your body wants to remind you that you haven't completely given up binging; you're just taking a break! (Or something like that.) But seriously, the fact that you did NOT do it is a huuuge victory in itself! Don't beat yourself up too much just for thinking about it--you're only human, y'know? Kudos to you for coming here and telling us about it instead of acting on this fantasy. That obviously took a LOT of strength, and I am very proud of you!

Today is day 40 for me! YAY! (Heh, it just seems like such a nice, round number.) Ooh, and I *just* realized I have officially been binge-free for more than half of this quarter (at school)!! My last binge was the weekend after our 3rd week, and it's now the end of 9th week... Aww, I'm proud. Last quarter I had some pretty bad binging tendencies (for me at least) - usually at least once a week, sometimes more - so it feels so good to feel like I'm working towards getting that out of my system.

I am sooo looking forward to the rest of day 40... I have no homework tonight (WOOHOO!), and therefore I am going to have an evening of pampering--I plan to curl up with some old episodes of Gossip Girl and paint my nails, while eating one of the delicious vegan cookies my mom sent me like a month ago (remember those?--there's still 2 left! I can't believe they have lasted so long! ). I'm soooo looking forward to this. I haven't had a "treat" in a while, and activities like this are usually ones that my hectic school life cannot afford!

Then a concert and a party tomorrow night! Ooo, I can't wait!! Just have to make sure that I don't let the alcohol impair my judgment/lead me to binge.

Good luck to you ladies getting through the weekend! Stay strong!

Way to go Star! 40 days. I have to be honest I don't keep a tight count, because I find myself rebelling against structure. Plus I have to be honest about where I am. When I purged in March telling my fella that I had fallen off the wagon again was terrible for me. My consolation as that these times appear to be getting further and further apart. I am going back to LA though in a few weeks and the underlying anxiety is a killer for me.

Of course LA offers its own absurdity. I always show at a "Plus" size store out there. 1X= 10, 2X=12, 3X=14, I am like who are you kidding. When I got down to 1X I got to tell you this place was a little ego shattering.

I am glad to hear I am not the only binge day dreamer, its just keeping fantasy, fantasy.

ODAT

Day #11 here I am! This morning I weighed 200.8lbs. ONEderland is knocking on my door! I feel so great being back on plan and losing again.

Just checking in, ladies! Today is day 42 and I am feeling sooo strong. I had SUCH an incredible night last night, and I'm so proud that I was able to booze it up a bit (heh ) without it ending in a binge. When I weighed myself today I was only 0.2 lbs up from yesterday, and it's so comforting to have that affirmation that it IS possible to have a fun night without a ridiculous gain... Two drinks (which is all it takes to do me in now, LOL) does NOT totally destroy my amount of calories for the day!! I don't know why it took me so long to figure that out.

Anyways, jeez, I can't believe it's been 6 weeks since the last time I binged. I'm so proud.