[crash&burn]

I am beginning to wonder if i have ruined my life, or at least steered myself down the wrong path in the future. I have had annorexia for at least 6 years now and the past year and a half i have been doing well. I am past my target weight and doing my best to carry on day to day. However i have lost many precious years that i should have been out enjoying myself. It all started at about 13 years of age. Up until about 18, everything was miserable for me. I lost all of my friends, my family's trust and my happiness. Now that i am back on track, i've made a few friends and i really don't believe that i will gain my family's trust back anytime soon since they really don't understand that this indeed and illness and not something i intended to do. They did give up alot to take care of me and that means a great deal but they still don't really understand, which is alright. I feel empty inside tho. I am having a really hard time meeting males and starting relationships. I am doing my best not to get my hopes down but it makes me wonder, have i steered myself so far down the wrong path that i won't be able to turn around? I find that the simplest things in life are the hardest to find. Because of the illness i lost alot of people who loved me. I guess it wasn't truly love if they didn't stay behind me. But will i ever get that satisfaction and feeling of completeness back? I sure hope so.
Jennifer

[shnadle]

Hi Jennifer - reading your post really touched my heart - I am thinking of a million quotes and sayings that I want to pass on to you...
First let me say that where you are right now is EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. Emotionally, socially, physically...You have fought a hard battle and won...

I think that if your family and friends had TRULY understood what was going on and loved you unconditionally they would have stuck by you through this hard time. I know for myself I would never leave someone that I cared deeply for in their deepest and darkest moments. Even if what they were doing to themselves did not make sense to me. I would read about it - give them support and love and caring...whatever they needed at the time.

Now you are so much healthier...there is a possibility that you COULD reach out to them...I have this feeling that maybe if you did you would be able to see your relationship with them more clearly without the Anorexia clouding your mind. What I am trying to say is that maybe they were part of the problem in the first place. Through your receovery I am assuming that you did work with a psychotherapist or psychologist or psychiatrist? Things must have come out about family etc...
Maybe I am being nosy...thankfully you do not have to answer if you do not want to
Anyway - this WHOLE thing that you are going through is a PROCESS and a JOURNEY...there will be bumpy roads and shitty feelings but there will also be JOY.
I believe that the more clearly you can feel your own emotional pain the more blissful and amazing the JOY will be when it comes.
shnadle

[crash&burn]

Thanx so much. Sometimes we all just need a little reminder
:sheep:
Jennifer

[Lizabee]

It's interesting, because I empathize, even though I'm way up at the other end of the scale -- but sometimes I wonder what happened to my 20's -- I feel like I wasted by "best years" being fat (high 200's). Yet, looking back from an older but wiser position, I can see that I have grown so much as a person. I can't get those years back, but they have contributed to my personal growth. Through therapy, I've learned things about myself that I might have never really understood had I had a problem that was more easily covered up. My problem forced me to make changes and examine myself -- much like I expect your problem did.

If you aren't in therapy right now, get back into it -- with a good cognitive therapist that can work with you to set goals, learn how to meet new people and develop healthier relationships. One of my favorite books is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Thompson.

Also, I know you'll hate to hear this...but you are young. Try to focus on something besides meeting men. If you aren't in college, consider taking a class or two. You'll meet people (including men) and get involved in something outside of your problem.

Good Luck!!!