So, a lot of you probably already know, because of previous post, that I have struggled with Bulimia since I was 15. I have had one relapse in the past 2 years, which was a few months ago. I have the purging under control, but right now I really need to talk about what is going on my head now.
I have recently found myself to be... I don't know.... disgusted with myself. I'm not happy with my weight eventhough I have been losing. It's really hard to explain but I'll give it a try.
I found myself feeling like I don't deserve to eat a lot of things because I'm too fat to be allowed to eat them, if that makes sense. I feel cornered when I'm in a restaurant, like everyone is watching me, the fat girl, eat. I just feel so disgusted with myself if I eat the slice of pizza, or that cookie. I feel like that one cookie is going to add another 10 lbs to the scale. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it would really help if someone, anyone, could tell me if they've been through, what is wrong with me. I just don't want to relapse again, and I guess you can say, I'm scared of scaring myself so much from being fat that instead of binging and purging, I just don't eat at all. My best friend just so happens to be struggling with anorexia - go figure- and I just don't want to do that to myself. I already feel awful that I can't go shopping with my best friend, because I'm embarrassed that I wear a size 10/11 while she wears a size 5 and won't shut up about how fat she thinks she is. She doesn't mean to make me self-concious she just sees herself as being like 3 times the size she really is, which I can relate to. Ughhhhh. It's just so hard.
I sorta know what you are going through. I was anorexic at 14 and also in my early 20's. Back then it seemed like the tiniest slip-up (like eating a french fry) was going to wreck my figure forever. When I had an eating disorder, I guess it was sort of a control thing, because even when I lost the weight I still didn't feel good about myself
And I think a lot of us can relate to the self-concious while eating thing.
Maybe you should talk to a nutritionist can give you an idea of what you should be eating. To me, I was always eating too much because I didn't know much about dieting when I started.
I don't pop in here very often, but I'm going to for one short post ....
Ash said this feeling like I don't deserve to eat a lot of things because I'm too fat to be allowed to eat them ... and she was talking about pizza and cookies.
No no no no no ... you are too precious, special to have to eat that mass produced, artificial cwap! You are the most wonderous and amazing creation on Earth and deserve the best foods!
Oooooo ... where's that smilie with the stomping feet.
I think many of us unconsciously think that shame is a good motivator and that spending time beating ourselves up is a type of punishment that will make us change our behavior. Unfortunately I think it's counter productive because for many bingers, food is our most reliable source of comfort and shame simply sets us on the road to a binge cycle. We binge or violate some esoteric diet rule, beat ourselves up, feel terrible, need some way to make our selves feel better and then go eat a box of Ho Hos (or Kashi!). The very best things that have helped me and helped with that mindset are a set of hypnosis weight loss CDs I picked up at Wild Oats. Forgive me I've forgotten the doctor's name (hopefully I'll be able to get them back from a friend). Being reminded that I was a worthy person, that fat is not an issue requiring judgement and that I didn't need to hate myself to care for my body was so helpful and I incidentally lost weight! Another person who seems to embody that non-judgemental approach is Paul McKenna, the "I can make you skinny" guy. He has a free website (it's free for now!) where he provides some guidance about addressing the negativity and self hatred that is such a part of the mindset of people with eating issues. (He also has this crazy tapping ritual for bingeing that honest to goodness seems to work; however wacky it appears!)
I think you are on the right track by addressing the mental stuff now. If we don't deal with the emotional and mental issues that got us into bingeing mode we are sure to return to it. Good luck!
Ralfetty, thanks for those tips and sites. I need this encouragement right now. I've been on a long binge and just can't seem to stop. In my mind, i see myself eating right, even exercising and feeling better. In real life, I eat whatever is in sight whether I'm hungry or not. I need the encouragement this group can provide, so thanks for being here.
I can say I have felt some similar emotions. For a while, whenever I ate, I was actually hyperventillating, because somehow it felt wrong for me to be eating. At the time, I had been going through some other emotional stresses, so that probably added onto it, but nonetheless, my relationship with food has been a strained one. I have had thoughts of "I don't deserve food because I am overweight." I have also (as sad as it is) had thoughts of "I don't deserve to get love from my husband because I am overweight." It really is a big self esteem issue. Since then, I have been working really hard to stop the shame cycle. I used to look at the pretty skinny girls walking down the street, and I used to tell myself "See them, they are better than you. You don't deserve what you have." I have stopped beating myself up like that. I spent a lot of time looking at myself in the mirror, studying my face and my body, and learning to appreciate it for what it is. I am not perfect by any means, but I have come to the point where I can honestly believe I am beautiful, in my own unique way- and I haven't been able to do that for a long time. Try spending time in front of the mirror every day and learning how to compliment yourself. Tell yourself that you ARE worth it, and that you deserve to eat and to be happy. Continue to make smart diet choices, and really focus on enjoying your food. Smile when you eat. Really taste every bite. You should never feel guilty about taking care of your body- and that includes eating! Take care hun, and good luck!
No no no no no ... you are too precious, special to have to eat that mass produced, artificial cwap! You are the most wonderous and amazing creation on Earth and deserve the best foods!
Oooooo ... where's that smilie with the stomping feet.
What is going on in my head?...
