Okay, this is gonna be a little off-topic from the whole eating disorder ordeal..but I really need some help from some knowledgable people. I know that most of you here are a lot older than I, therefore I think you'd give more adequate advice-especially since this involves my parents. Okay, as many of you here may already know, I was just recently hospitalized for cutting, in addition to a whole host of other emotional problems I've been facing over the past couples of years (some of which I've dealt with all my life). Anyway, after about a week or so, I was discharged from the hospital and returned home. It took awhile for me to re-assimilate back into normal life. I went from cutting 30-40 times a night to absolutely not cutting at all. My parents warned me that if I do in fact cut, even just once, I'm off to this place called "Remuda" in Arizona...apparently it's for eating disorders and also deals with self-injury and depression. I'm seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, in addition to being on medication (lexapro, naltrexone and seroqual). Anyway, that's aside from the point...A week ago (the night before my corrective jaw surgery), my family got into an enormous arguement. My father, who is a recovering alcoholic, had one too many drinks. My mom and I had had just about enough. So, in the middle of the night (in the midst of the arguement), my mom up and left-naturally, my dad followed her. They were gone for at least an hour or so meanwhile my siblings and I sat at home alone. My mom had always told me that if I feel the need to cut, I should always come to her and she'll do everything and anything in her power to pull me out of that 'feeling'-when you're a ~*~cutter~*~, you can become triggered very easily...for instance, a family feud can be a trigger or overeating and feeling guilty can be a trigger...for me even, receiving a poor test grade was a major trigger. Anyway, I attempted calling her on her cell phone several times and either 1) she didn't hear it or 2) she didn't want to be bothered. I'm assuming it's the latter. She was quite in a fuss. So, contuining on, I was really upset and was basically pacing back and forth....then, I went to the restroom at the other end of the house, took a safety pin and made 20 or so cuts on my right hip. I mean, I don't know if they classify as "cuts", maybe scratches, but nonetheless they bled quite a bit. After that, I snapped back and realized what I had down-thrown 5 or so weeks of no-cutting down the drain, not to mention, let my parents down. When my parents finally came home, apparently the arguement had been resolved and my dad apologized for his behavior and all of that. Being that it was the night before my surgery, I didn't feel it was the appropriate time to tell my mom that I had cut. It's been lingering in my head for the past week, although it hasn't been my top priority (due to the surgery). Tomorrow, I visit both my oral surgeon (yay!--maybe he'll remove a few of the rubber bands keeping my mouth wired shut :]) and my psychiatrist..and I'm wondering whether or not that'd be an appropriate time to bring up the cutting incident. I'm so terrified of saying anything about it. I know it'll break my mom's heart...she tries so hard to make me happy and I feel just awful. Occasionally, the urge to cut does arise, but I'm usually capable of shaking it off (at least since the hospitalization). Argh. I don't know what to do. If I reveal to my psychiatrist that I cut, there's a good chance I might be sent to that treatment center, or perhaps, wind back up in the hospiatl (for at least 30 days according to my dad)...both which I desperately DON'T want to happen. Any moms out there, or perhaps, anyone out there who's had experience with cutting....how should I go about this? Even at this moment I want to cut. I don't even know why. Should I just let it go and consider it a mere lapse of judgement? I'm not of age, so it's not like I can make my own decisions-if my parents say I'm going to the treatment center (or back into the hospital), I can't exactly object.
Any suggestions?
Sorry this is so long and off the topic of dieting...I just need help.
Last edited by makemethin; 07-17-2007 at 03:03 AM.
You do need to tell your psychiatrist what you did and why. This is a case where your family situation took a bad turn and you gave in to your impulse. Your psych needs to know.
Perhaps the treatment center wouldn't be a bad idea--you could think of it as a retreat from your family and a chance to recover.
BRIANNA ~ I sure don't think that that one incident made for 5 weeks down the drain! Just look at the "maturity" level you have approached this new incident and how to handle it
I think you should confide in your authority figures to help your help continue.
I don't know much about cutting, but I can and will pray for you.
I agree with Jay. I posted something about bulemia recently, and I think what I said probably applies to cutting as well. It is hard to stop cold turkey. You are going to have slip ups. I started seeing a psychologist 5 years ago for my bulemia. I still have slip ups a couple of times a year. One day, I hope I'm totally free of it. But until then, you have to accept what comes. Fight it when you can, accept what you did when you can't. And ALWAYS mention it to your counsellor. I wish you luck and hope things turn around for you.
I envy your relationship with your mom sweet Brianna.
At about age 13-15 I went through this until I got help. I used to get a safety pin really hot with a lighter and burn myself. Needless to say I have bad scaring. I didn't know what I was feeling half of the time, but I knew that if I did that, that inside I would feel better. At least that is how my mind was working.
I encourage you, if you're already talking to your mom about it, then continue that relationship. She needs to know that she can trust you to tell her EVERYTHING. She has to be certain that you aren't hiding ANYTHING from her. This will help her help you more. If ANYTHING, tell your mom. I wish I would've been able to tell my mom, but my family situations were part of the reason I did it.
Please update us and let us know how you are doing. Again, talk to your mom, it will make you feel so much better. Tell her that you don't want to keep anything from her so you must tell her. Being of the age that I want to have children, I can say that I would want my daughter to trust me with everything, even if it would make me cry a river.
Thanks guys :]
Well, I was thinking about this last night. I'm still a little wary about telling my psychiatrist (for fear that he'll notify my striccttt dad...emphasis on strict). That wouldn't help me in the least. He seems to think that throwing me in the hospital AGAIN would help, but in truth, it really aggravates the situation. The only benefit(s) being in the hospitalzed were: 1) it gave me a good length of time in which I wasn't able to cut, thus, allowing me to learn how to overcome urges without acting on impulse, 2) it made me realize how blessed I am in the scheme of things and 3) it really opened my eyes to what a wonderful and supportive family I have (most of the other adolescents there came from group homes and extremely dysfunctional households; it seemed as though no one cared about them). So, it was an excellent and worthwhile experience in the long-run. And you're right, I shouldn't get so down on myself, I mean, I made it almost (what..7 weeks now?) without cutting. A few months prior, that would've been impossible. I mean, I was cutting multiple times a day, at school, at home, at friends' houses, everywhere and anyhwere I felt that I "had" to. I no longer feel that I "have" to, and that's an amazing thing in itself. Thanks for the insight :]
I started cutting at the age of 15 - 16. I'm now 22, and I have not cut in over a year. I've gone periods of a year without cutting and then slipping. I will admit that I've even had the urge since the last time over a year ago. It's a coping mechanism.
I thought the same as you that it was time wasted, but it's not. It's a learning experience and a chance to take what you've learned and try to apply it.
It's not easy to stop cutting, especially if it's something you've done for quite some time.
I really hope you decide to tell your psychiatrist about it.
Is there any way you can maybe have a family session with your psych? I mean, I know this must be difficult for your parents in understanding cutting - I know it was difficult for my parents to grasp - but maybe if your psych is there with you, maybe he can help them understand that you can't simply stop cold turkey (I mean, it's possible, but something very difficult).
Heya!
Alrighty, sooo I went to my psychiatrist today, and I didn't say that I had cut-butttt, I did say that when I gew angsty (like the night prior to my surgery), I "scratched" myself. It's not technically a lie, seeing as how I did scratch myself with a pin..I know I should've just said it and that what I did defeats the purpose, but I DID tell my mom that these family feuds need to come to a hault. I told her right in front of my psychiatrist that I can't handle the dysfunctional-ness of our family, and that it needs to change for my sake. My mom understood, and I think then it hit her. I mean, of course it hurt her a couple of months back when I was hospitalized, but I think she finally understands that it's not all over. I admitted that I had had urges, and that I able to fight them off..but nonetheless, I still have them. I think it helped a lot. I was very, um, firm in my approach, lol.
Thanks again everyone <3
It means a lot, certainly when it comes to these types of issues.
They're not easy to go at alone.
Brianna, I only just saw this post. You got wonderful responses from everyone here. And yes, what a blessing that you've got such a good family. They're all a little disfunctional. I'll bet that underneath your Dad's strictness he just loves you so much, and is at a complete loss as to how to help.
I've suffered from depression for 30 years since I was 12. I know that makes me sound old, but I swear I still feel 19, and I'm right there with you. I used to do another form of "self-soothing"... head banging... ... I know that's not the same as cutting, (although I've done that, too), but it's just another form of distraction.
I think it's wonderful that you're getting help NOW. And I agree with the others... the best thing you can do is to tell people (your mom and your psychiatrist. And the family meeting is a great idea) what's going on. It's very tempting to hold things to yourself as if they're some "special secret". But they're not special, and the more practice you get at letting go of those secretive moments, the less special they'll become to you. It's hard and it's embarrassing, but let it go.
I used to really panic when I'd get sick again, thinking, "Oh, my god, I'm never going to get better." Something I've found helpful when I "relapse" is to remind myself that it's not a failing on my part. That I've been well before, and that I can do it again. You're only human, hon, and stuff is going to happen. But I'll bet you find your cutting becoming more and more infrequent. You're going to have just the best life. Big hugs, sweetie. And I hope the surgery went well.
Hey Brianna. You've gotten plenty of advice, so I won't add any. I just want to let you know that I understand and empathize with a lot of what you're going through. Like you, I was hospitalized for EDs and have frequent thoughts of harming myself. I can tell that you have a really good grasp on what's going on and that you have the strength to get through this. I'll be thinking of you hon
One thing I noticed though is your ticker...you say you are 5' 6'' and want to get to 110...but you are at 123...Sweetie...my wife is 5' 6'' and 123...I sure wouldn't want her any thinner...are you SURE you aren't ALREADY at your goal weight?
Hey guys! Wow there have been a lottt of responses on this thread since the last time I checked it. I'd respond to each of you individually, but there are so many of you! Haha. Anyway, I did end up telling my mom and thankfully, she didn't get upset...she was extremely caring and understanding. I knew all along she would never scold me for doing that, I was just afraid of making her feel bad and/or disappointing her. As I mentioned earlier, she clearly already has enough garbage to deal with (especially with my dad). I told her that at that time, I was vulnerable and I needed someone to talk to...I think she felt terrible for not being there. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty. She said that she never received the calls, and that's totally understandable. Yes, there are others (I think), to whom I can confide in when these urges arise...basically, my best friend(s). Although, I've already placed a huge burden upon their shoulders; during the school year, they did everything in their power to help me..but unfortunately, it was useless (keep in mind, this was before my hospitalization). I'm doing much better now, but these rare, yet very impacting events throw me in a tail-spin.
I only resorted to cutting a couple of times in my life, the last episodes fairly recently, and was able to stop as soon as the emotional turmoil passed, but I know how appealing and uncontrollable it can be. I'm sending you strength and courage to deal with it.
I'm glad it worked out, and that you were able to tell them both. For what it's worth, my advice would have been to write it down, so that you are able to clearly express the new understanding you have and the strides you have taken, and why you don't think it would be beneficial to have to immediately go back to IP treatment... I'm glad to hear it wasn't necessary.
Still, I think it's extremely important that you address the weight part of it - Eating healthily is a great goal, but it sounds to me like you are already VERY thin, and continuing to try to lose weight would be distinctly unhealthy. You know this community would be here for you to help you learn to eat and live healthily regardless of whether you are looking to lose any more. I know your focus is on treating your cutting right now, which is wonderful, but don't let an ED get to the point where it needs ALL your attention - or, alternatively, think seriously about an inpatient program that would help you continue the progress you've already made while addressing the eating as well. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Cutting
Just look at the "maturity" level you have approached this new incident and how to handle it 
for you.
I'll bet that underneath your Dad's strictness he just loves you so much, and is at a complete loss as to how to help.
... I know that's not the same as cutting, (although I've done that, too), but it's just another form of distraction. 
