[eg with an M]

I can't believe everyone is coasting and doing well with their compulsive eating, It is a day to day week to week, woman to woman struggle! Please ! Is there anyone out there?!!

As some of you know I'm a veteran to the board but only post about once in a great while because I am in recovery for alcoholism. ( and doin' great with my sobriety) BUT as far as having an eating disorder there are differences and there are similarities...

I had the unfortunate experience of having an internal staph infection about 6 weeks ago and it messed up my weight.. I lost 15 pounds and it was like having irritable bowel syndrome. Well, what this has caused is a bunch of anxiety because people commented on my weight loss positively, and then I began to do my old behaviors from my non-vomiting bullimia days. I have obsessed over my appearance, I jumped on and off my mother-in-law's scale no less than 20 times this past weekend , and when I came back ( and several times last week) found myself witholding from eating out of fear of gaining the weight back. So what is next? Metabolife? Ex-Lax? I just had to let this out because I don't like feeling this way!!

I know I have preached the demand eating and loving your body stuff here on the forum, now I don't want to appear to be a hippocrite so I am fessing up. Anyone want to join in? Guess what, I'M HUMAN!!! - Meg

[PJ]

Hello Meg- I am a 43 yr. old mother of a 6 yr old son and 13 yr. old daughter. I suffered from bulemia from the age of 17 until I got pregnant with my daughter at age 29. I knew I had to stop or risk the health of my baby. I DID NOT go anywhere for help but secretly spoke to my doctor and friends about it only after being able to stop purging on a daily basis. I know now that I changed my metabolism for life by what I did back then but this is a new day and a new year and life goes on. God only knows how I DID totally stop. I have not made myself sick for over 10 years now. I DO get the urge at times but know that at my age.....I can't do things like that to my body any longer and instead of beating myself up for being overweight....I pride myself for losing the 37+ pds. that I have lost this past year S.L.O.W.L.Y. and lots of exercise. That is the real key. Exercise. Also, since having a family to feed, I buy healthy foods..lots of fruits and veggies and lots of chicken, pasta and seafood.

I was just reading how Jennifer (one of the 3fc's) is not posting anymore and why. It infuriated me that people can be so ignorant. I love her response to "them" by the way. I hope she comes back soon. Anyway, I decided to look around the boards for a change. I am a member of THE NIGHT OWLS under WW AND OTHER GROUPS. I started with this site almost 4 yrs. ago and have been getting lots of support and meeting great people ever since.

I would like you to know that I will be here for you. I'll be more than happy to help you out with your battle and you WILL win. As you stated "it is a day to day battle....." I will then be here day to day for you if and when you want. Email me whenever you like and I'll check in here as well.

Now for the tough stuff - STAY AWAY FROM THE SCALE!!! You don't need it. I weigh myself once every couple of weeks and am no longer jumping on every morning and evening. If and when I have lost weight....I feel it and can see it and so can everyone else. It IS a lifelong battle and one that I am winning because I choose to and I'm doing it for myself and my health ..... so that I can live a long and happy life with my family and my husband of 14 yrs. and we can grow old together....HEALTHY. Try to remember how you felt when you were doing well and concentrate on what you need to do TODAY....not tomorrow or the next day. Just like at AA.....it's ONE DAY AT A TIME. My husband is a recovering alchoholic and so are a couple of my relatives. I give you alot of credit for coming and speaking out. Keep up the good work and keep fighting to stay healthy and sober. Remember, you're worth it!!!!!
~Glad I surfed on in~
~Pamela~ aka PJ of the NIGHT OWLS
Email me at [email protected]

Have a GREAT Sunday!!!!!

[swimmerbabe]

I agree with everything you all have said, and i too have compared builimia with alcoholism. It is a disease, and you do have relapses, and there are things that trigger them easier than others, and sometimes you just can't stop until you are puking and puking and puking. It kills me to be like this, but sometimes i just can't stop. I'm working on it, and i know eventually i will be better. THere is no quick cure, its just one day at a time.

[PJ]

Hi Meg and Swimmerbabe -

Just wanted to say Hello and see how you guys are doing TODAY? How was yesterday? I've been thinking about you two and have had many flashbacks and memories......both good and bad. Let me know how you're doing....I'll check in again later. Hope you have a great Tuesday!!!
P.S. - Here's a little something to brighten your day. Don't know if you like horses or not but this is a picture of my latest Standardbred adoption. I rescue them from the racetrack. They're usually too slow or a little lame and just need "time off" ....lots of TLC AND ALOT MORE FOOD THAN THEY WERE GETTING.

Hope you enjoy it....his name is "Lars"...and is a 7 yr. old gelding (male).

[Nana2]

Dear Meg:

Thank you for your honesty. HAVE BEEN ON THE ROLLAR COASTER weight ride for over 40 years. When my daughter was first born over 35 years ago I became bulimic. For over 10 years now I have been in recovery until about a month ago - I don't know quite what happened but all of a sudden I started to eat and vomit again. I had gained about 25 lbs. in the last 3 years and I was getting desperate. This hasn't helped at all.

I am also a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety. The one hard thing for me was that I re-lasped with this eating disorder.

I found out early that I just can't weigh myself any longer. I used to weight myself with my clothes on, with my clothes off, before I went to the bathroom, after I went to the bathroom. Did you know that if you step on the scales a certain way you will be less or more depending on how you did it.

I recently just came off the Dr. Bernstein Diet and lost 15 lbs. but they weight me three times a week and it was driving me crazy as well I got so weak that I thought I was going to faint so I did what all compulsive eaters do I went on a binge - so much for over $500.00 .

Thank you for your post because it has helped me realize that I am not alone.

Nana2

[eg with an M]

I want to thank all of you for your sharing. Things are better but still tough because I just told my family back home I am an alchoholic after 8 months of being sober. I don't know if they also realize I've had an eating disorder most of my adult life because they are wrapped up intheir own deal and appearance is a major issue among all the females in my family of origin. I think for the past several weeks I have been existing on about the equivalent of one meal per day. I don't throw up and in the past when I did try to It was too difficult for me to do it (THANK GOD) . My way of purging is with laxatives and also by starving.

I think because my energy has been so low I have not had the strength or will to exercise. I used to like to exercise, but I also associated it with "working things out" with all my anger in the past that sometimes it trips my thinking. I want to be more focused. I was also VERY compulsive about exercise and would cop an attitude about all the weight training and working out I used to do ...even though I was larger, I felt fit. I hate this fear of eating normally because in a very sick sick way the weight loss feels powerful. I haven't been this size since I went through some lost years of very bad behavior with partying etc. ( don't have to go through the gory details) and it's alsot a way of tripping myself into being healed of all the baggage from the past by not showing the weight as a physical baggage. Does that make sense? But the baggage is still there on the inside.

Anyway this is really helping to read you posts and by getting this out I hope it will release the power of my unhealthy behavior.
-Meg

[PJ]

Hey Meg -

"and it's also a way of tripping myself into being healed of all the baggage from the past by not showing the weight as a physical baggage. Does that make sense? "

Makes alot of sense to me. I totally understood what you wrote. We ALL have baggage. But we're all different people from different backgrounds and every single family on this planet is disfunctional in one way or another. (wether they want to admit it or not )

Anyway, I'm glad I found this thread. It helps me too Meg. I'm definitely staying as long as you'll all have me.

I think I'll light a candle for us all tonight, say a prayer and maybe....just maybe.....it will help us all.

Hugs,
~Pamela~

[Amyjo01]

Meg ~ Hey hun! I understand your situation so fully... I am a recovering Bulimic/Laxative addict... I have always had a poor body image and due to pushing adults in my family I had the concept of being overweight from the time I was 12 until.... (forever) I am 5'8 and my lowest adult body weight was 123... this was just prior to my first pregnancy.. up until this point I just controlled my weight by starving. I didn't indulge in the power of purging until I was pregnant... I was 19 when I started.. I was terrified of getting fat not realizing the the purging was counter productive in relationship to being pregnant because it actually made me gain more weight than I would have normally because of fluid retention related to low protien in my blood. Well I had a healthy 8lb5oz son and quickly dropped back from 205 to 140 due to fluid loss.
I was able to maintain for about 2 years at 135 and then I got pregnant with my daughter... I was alright until about the 5th month of pregnancy and started the laxative abuse... again.. I just kept getting sicker and sicker and the Doctor couldn't figure out why my Hemoglobin and Hemocrit just kept dropping and I wasn't going to tell them.. again I topped 200 pounds actually 215 and she was born and was healthy (by the grace of god) because by the time she was born I was using up to 30 laxatives a day and throwing up. She weigh 9lbs9oz and was pefect, again I dropped back down to around 135 and I maintained by purging as needed not that I was bingeing that frequently but if I ate a big meal I would double up on the laxative and I worked a hard strenuous job and I stayed pretty trim.
I quit my job and went back to college and all heck broke loose... I was no longer lifting heavy stuff all day and going from 5 AM until 10PM.. I was sitting on my duff and studying all day so I started to slowly edge up the scale.
I got married at about 150 pounds, got a desk job edged up somemore and then started purging again...It wasn't that I was consuming very much but my metabolism was so screwed up that I was packing on weight by simply looking at the food. My depression was intolerable and my weight was driving me insane and then I got pregnant and lost the baby and I was suicidal.. between the eating disorder and the depression and the fact I hated my job, my parents, my family.... you name it I hated it... I finally sought out counselling and it was a God send.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.. and border line Bi-polar disorder.. I was put on medication and started counselling for the multiple problems I had. The medications was all it took... I was on a daily dose of Luvox for the OCD and I had a PRN(as needed) anti-anxiety med.. I took this medicine for about 6 months along with therapy and after I had control of the situation and my thought process I stopped the therapy and then weaned myself off of the medication..(I have multiple family members with chemical dependency so I didn't want to stay on them if I didn't have to)

I didn't diet for almost 2 years, I had gotten up to almost 190.. I think I was about 186/184 and I finally said to myself I didn't get my head straight to die of a heart problem or diabetes, so I started slow(to make sure I didn't slip back into bad habits) I joined a group (on-line) and I learned to eat. I learned to eat(funny thought huh?) I had no idea what a portion of food was, I didn't realize that you didn't have to clean your plate, I didn't drink water, I didn't eat right.. so after finding out how to eat, how to drink and how to exercise...(healthy living) I have dropped around 40 pounds.. I am the healthiest I have ever been and I feel good about my body for the first time ever... I still want to loose another 14/20 pounds and I will make it but I am not killing myself getting there.

I find myself slipping on occasion and I have to talk myself out of it(much like talking yourself out of a drink) I say, WHOA- so you ate some candy is it worth cramping and crying and puking? (no- it isn't) I had to throw the laxatives away.. I have had to retrain my bowels with a fiber laxative... I take multi-vitamins, E, B-complex and calcium- to supplement what I might not be getting in my daily intake... I don't exercise that much because I am in college again but I try to park far away from the entrance to thing to make myself walk, I take the stairs, I don't drink sugared soda, I try to get at least 3 to 6 glasses of water a day. I have to stay regular(bowel wise) or I find myself taking a harsh stimulant and it finds me (I had to thrown the correctol away)- if I get the least bit constipated it makes me want to completely purge so I can't get that way.

I talked to my Mom about my eating disorder almost 3 years after I decided to get help... she looked at me and said "I thought you were smarter than that" It was really easy to hide because I didn't binge like the classic bulimic.. I purged the regular intake of food, my binge would be what a normal person would eat and I just couldn't deal with the normal amount of calories. I got no support, except from my husband- who really still doesn't get it- he just supports... Some of my college friends know and they listen but they don't understand because they haven't been there. The "baggage" is still there I have just learned how to unpack it before it causes a problem...

You are the first person I have "met" that has had the problem with the laxatives, like me.. if you want to "chat" my e-mail is [email protected]

Hugs to you,
Amy
176/144/130

[PJ]

Loved the Lao-Tzu quote. Seems like we're getting more people on here. I think it's wonderful that we can feel safe in a place where we CAN really and truly "talk about it". Hope you're all having a good night.
Hugs,
Pamela aka PJ

[Nana2]

I want to thank everyone who wrote in on this thread. This has been a learning experience for me and what you have all shared is so amazing. To find people who actually care and support each other.
Thank up again, I don't feel so alone anymore.
Georgie