Candy-Corney but Cute


Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another person chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or . . ." and can't remember the rest of the line.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

**************************************************


Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body

Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetit !

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
A. Benjamin Frankenstein

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. Ice Scream

Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
A. Romeo and Ghouliet

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo

Q. What's a haunted chicken?
A. A poultry-geist

Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?-
A. He has a big D on his pajamas

Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?
A. Grandma monster

Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
A. Because he was in need of a light snack

Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-
A. Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They're good at keeping things under wraps

Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
A. Ghost-Toasties

Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
A. A wash and wear wolf

Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
A. They boo-kle their seatbelts

Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A. Count Duckula

Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A. A cereal killer

Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
A. Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's

Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What do witches use on their hair?
A. Scare spray

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
A: Twick or Tweet

Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
A: Tombstones

Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
A: It's good for the bones

Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
A: White Pillowcases

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away

Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
A: Because he was coffin

Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay

Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank

Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
A: Frankenfurters with Ketchup

Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
A: To the dead sea

Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory

Q: Where does dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie

Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by it's circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Q: Why are there fences around cemetaries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
A: A BOO-logna sandwich.

Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
A: She looks at her witch-watch.

Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Don't spook until your spooken to.

Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
A: An amoeboo!

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.

Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....

1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

**************************************************
A man was going to attend a Halloween party dressed in a costume of the devil. On his way it began to rain, so he darted into a church where a revival meeting was in progress.

At the sight of his devil's costume, people began to scatter through the doors and windows.

One lady got her coat sleeve caught on the arm of one of the seats and, as the man came closer, she pleaded, "Satan, I've been a member of this church for 20 years, but I've really been on your side all the time."

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:
I like those!! We made the mistake of leaving a bucket of candy out last year. DH was home but refused to go to the door (antisocial creature). He said within 5 minutes it was gone because ONE group of kids emptied the WHOLE thing. So this year?? Nothing but those peanut butter thingies. NOBODY likes those