The mental disconnect between the inner me and my reflection in the mirror
There are days when I'm eating right, exercising, gotten a lot done in a day, had great social interaction with friends, feeling a good sense of accomplishment, have even managed to spend time with my mother and it was good...and feeling sooooooo good about myself. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window or in a mirror, and all that positive energy I was enjoying is dashed to the ground and stomped on. And the overriding thought is, "See, that's what you look like, old, faded, lumpy, like crap...and you don't deserve those marvelous feelings you were just experiencing. Because damaged, imperfect people like you aren't entitled to that."
I used to succomb to that mindset all the time. Or rather, it was my brain's residence for most of my life. It's taken a lot to get my head to move out of that thinking and to enjoy the more vibrant, positive thoughts. I get angry when the "stinkin' thinkin'" comes back and ruins my day!
I shared this old mindset with my Pilates instructor and she told me that most women, no matter how gorgeous and perfectly managed their lives are, fall prey to that thinking. Ugh! I was hoping that as I blasted the fat from my body, these doubts would go away altogether!
Frankly, I want to hang on to how great I feel now, all the time. ALL THE TIME!!!! I worked for it! I'm entitled to it! And no old, inner voice in the back of my brain is going to take it from me!!!!!!
As soon as I figure out how to kill that voice for all time, I'll let you all know!
I keep re-learning over & over again that when I say to myself, "I feel fat today ... I feel so heavy ... I feel as if I'll never be a normal, slender version of myself..." sometimes what I am really saying is, "I feel low in spirits today. Something is bothering me. I'm dissatisfied with this moment in time. I need a little joy, or hope, or something to look forward to. I need to get up & take a walk, or laugh, or talk with a friend."
I have to continue work on re-wiring the part of my brain that goes seeking a word for an intangible emotional state & settles for "fat" or "homely" or "plain," which really describes an exterior thing & is nowhere near the complexity of what I'm experiencing.
I think my brain looks like a messy 1950s switchboard. (Like in "Madmen.") And all the operators are gossiping with one another & filing their nails & sipping coffee instead of directing the calls correctly.
I feel like that sometimes too-especially when I feel pretty amazing and then I get my self confidence dashed by seeing a photo of myself or seeing myself in the mirror. However, I really am trying to throw that *****y voice into the trash, because it's given me nothing. My positive self talk has given me everything. Which is more valuable?
thinness does not equal happiness. Despite what they try to tell you in the media, your appearance is not the route to happiness. It is a tiny fraction of what you truly are.
You can be thin and miserable or you can be fat and happy or anything in between. If you want to be happy with yourself, it has to come from inside. For me, a big part of this is learning to separate my feelings of self-worth from my weight/appearance. You *deserve* to be happy- regardless of how you look on the outside. Look in the mirror and only say kind things to yourself. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. I bet you love her despite any outward flaws and you should do the same for yourself.
This happens to me too. And it doesn't even have to be a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. It's just a switch that goes off for no reason whatsoever. But I think about it this way..... 5 months ago I NEVER had those good feelings. I felt terrible about myself 24/7. So the fact that I now have moments of feeling awesome works for me!! And those moments of feeling great are increasing so I know I am headed in the right direction of having less moments of "Hi flabby" to more moments of "Hi fabulous!".
...and you don't deserve those marvelous feelings you were just experiencing. Because damaged, imperfect people like you aren't entitled to that."
This mindset is one of the big things I am working on with my therapist. Who says who deserves what? Also, EVERYONE is damaged and imperfect. Why is one person more worthy? Why does being fat make me undeserving? This mindset is so insidious, because it is valuing myself and believing that I deserve good things that gives me the energy to actually make good choices. I make bad choices out of pain, and I cause myself pain when I think that way about myself. It is such a vicious circle.
I highly recommend checking out the podcast, Inside Out Weight Loss. She talks about this a lot.
I can let you know how I have interpreted it. Say I have a moment of pain – whether that be feeling bad about myself because I don’t like something, someone is mean to me, I feel stressed by a deadline, whatever, my body and mind will try and come to my rescue to alleviate that pain. Sometimes I can do something about it, but many times it is chronic and there is nothing I can do right in the moment – it is part of a bigger issue. But being in pain is uncomfortable, so I will want to soothe myself. From many years of doing so, I have trained my body and mind to soothe with food – usually something sweet.
The thing about this is that I am eating out of a positive intent. My body and mind is trying to do a good thing for me by easing my pain. However, it is a really short term view. If I look past those few moments of pleasure I get from eating that thing and balance the bad feelings I will have afterwards from how that food makes me feel both physically from the sugar (I am pre-diabetic) and mentally from doing something I had not wanted to do, it is just bringing me more pain – the opposite of my intention.
So now, when I reach for food, I try to slow down and say something like, “thank you body for trying to soothe my pain, but food isn’t the answer here. What else can we do right now to make things better?” Also, sometimes this lets me really hear what that painful moment was instead of just soothing it away and I have been able to work on addressing some of those things.
I've been doing similar work with my therapist and am taking a course on dealing with the choices I make due to emotional moments that have been difficult for me to process in the past. This year, I've discoverd how little compassion I have for myself. I think that we are schooled in our Judeo/Christian/Muslim traditions to not have so much self-compassion, and it's also wielded by media/entertainment/advertising to make us feel less-than in order to buy products/services that promise to makes feel more-than.
I've become more careful about who/what I let into my life. What tears me down gets tossed out. What builds me up and supports joy, peace and compassion in my life is encouraged and cherished. I think the negative messages pop into my head because they're old wiring. It needs to be removed and rewired to send good messages. I need to learn to love what I see in the mirror. That woman in the reflection, she's been to **** and back, a few times. She's even written the Frommer's guide to the trip! And she's survived, beautifully!
The friends I have now, they're so good to me! I have the right people around me! The choices I make for myself everyday, I love them! They support keeping me feeling so good! I am not immune to pain and sadness, or the foibles of the human experience. But I know how to accept them for what they are, deal with them and move on. I keep telling myself that I'm doing really well, that I'm healthy and balanced, smart, strong...and I really believe that's a good practice. It is a practice that has been so frowned upon by some in my life.
My ex-husband seemed to need me to feel less-than him, and the healthier and stronger I became, the more he pulled away from me and tried to make me feel like the end of our marriage was all my fault. Even now, he wants me to fall apart, and to fail at raising the boys or managing my money. He replaced me a week after the divorce was final with a foreign woman who is clueless about managing things. She's just there to service is needs and make him feel like the big man. He disgusts me!
My mother still needs me to feel less-than. It's a projection of her own feelings about herself. She projects everything. Her constant paranoias, her mental illness issues, even how cold she feels at any given moment. Unfortunately, I can't walk away from that relationship, and I have to protect my children from her as well. There are still some people in my life that begrudge any success or joy that I have. Even in the simple things, like losing weight, or starting my new business, or having the opportunity to go away for the weekend. They just have to be snarky about it all. So I have to remember that their attitude is all about them. It's hard to remember this all the time, but I'm getting better at it.
The mental disconnect between the inner me and my reflection in the mirror
And those moments of feeling great are increasing so I know I am headed in the right direction of having less moments of "Hi flabby" to more moments of "Hi fabulous!". 
