This is my first post...glad to be here! Does anyone else have issues with guilt for losing weight? I am not quite sure "guilt" is the right word, actually...just this sense that I am doing something wrong.
Maybe it's because I've never been "thin," and like many people who are or were overweight, I have always had a love/hate relationship with wanting to be thin and thin people. On the one hand, I've wanted thinness desperately; on the other, I've always associated it with deprivation.
So, here I am, 7lbs away from goal. For the first time in my life I am "healthy." I have a wonderful, balanced diet; I exercise everyday; I'm full of energy and zest for life. And I'm actually eating MORE than I did when I was overweight because my active lifestyle requires it.
So, why do I feel guilty about wanting to lose 7 more lbs, even though I KNOW, on a rational level, that it's perfectly acceptable for my height and frame? Not too thin. Not sickly. Not "anorexic," which is what I used to dismissively call anyone who was thinner...despite the fact they were usually not even close to being so.
Maybe it's that I'm finally, after having shed the fat, shedding my fat self, the girl who was insecure and in denial. I'm becoming that person who I both worshiped and loathed. And though it feels really, really good, it also feels really, really scary. I have a profound sense of loss about all of this. In the past, being so far out of my comfort zone would have prompted me to head for the freezer, but not today. Today, I'm putting on my sneakers and heading down to the gym.
Well, thank you for speaking my mind. You are totally in the same space as me. I'm about 6 or 7 pounds away from my goal. I am worrying and fantasizing about my maintenance plan. But I'm also feeling guily. Lots of people see me and say "wow, you look SO great! Argh, I am so fat and need to lose weight too. What did you do?" This is basically separating me from "the herd". I'm feeling isolated and lonely. I am very appreciative of 3fatchicks because I do feel community.
I don't want to keep buying weight loss magazines just to keep feeling connected. I'm NOT losing weight but just living. So, I have to figure out what "just living" means and how to do it. I've binged a couple times recently and tried to place this in context. I've been very restricted for calories over six months. I see that 6 months is typically the longest stretch to keep up a regime then, for both body and soul, take a break. I'm so near my goal that I want to pull out these last few pounds before going on vacation AND going home to my sisters and family. They sort of know I've been on a health kick (but when wasn't I?) and a bit more successful than usual. Just not knowing HOW successful and what my life has changed to.
I'm also applying to a PhD program as I'm wrapping up my weight loss. Some of it is totally in step with all that I've been doing for my career but also it's coming at a perfect time when I have patience, maturity, commitment, determination, etc. So, I try to stay positive and strong.
But I recently read an article about "survivor's guilt" (in context with employees left after lots of lay-offs). I was reflecting a bit on that because it is hard to be the employee left when we've experienced lay-offs. But I wonder if I'm also experiencing some sort of "success guilt".
I have been grumpy sometimes about the weight loss: I'm colder, my butt hurts on firm surfaces, and I am now that skinny chick I loathed before.
Well, I'll look forward to more replies here and would love to keep this thread going some more. Looking forward to seeing if a herd forms here.
Last edited by iaradajnos; 07-29-2009 at 08:37 AM.
Reason: typos
First, time really does help. Just wait it out a bit.
Second, I find it really helps to pick some substitute goals/focuses. They might still be food/fitness related, or they might be entirely different (taking up some volunteer service). But it helps with that feeling of "what now?"
Wow, thanks, JulieJ08. Your suggestion to replace goals/focuses really makes sense for me. I do want that practise and feel so greatly rewarded by the weight loss effort. If I replace it with, say saving money (small bits collected over time adding up is a bit like weight loss) or my application for PhD. These are efforts that take time, patience, and don't have immediate gratification. The pay-offs are way down the road for weight loss, saving funds, or applying to that phd.
I think that goals is a great idea! May I suggest the hundred push-up challenge if you want it to be fitness-related? Or for non fitness-related, check out listsofbests.com, you can choose lists of books or movies or music you want to read (although as a grad student myself i can say with confidence you will soon not want to read any books for pleasure!)...
Although i am pretty far from goal myself i can definitely relate to what you are saying- i have found myself bursting into tears every so often these days when usually i hardly ever cry and there is nothing really wrong- sometimes that weight is a bit of a cushion against the world and it is only normal to feel a little strange getting used to living without it! (see the previous thread on dealing with male attention ahem). Plus if that formed part of your identity as i am sure it does for many people on 3fc (myself included) it is hard to reimagine yourself. I don't really have any tips or anything, maybe some actual maintainers have a better idea! But hang in there.
I remember that last time I lost weight, I could no longer shop in Lane Bryant and I felt really sad about that. I was also happy, don't get me wrong, because I could buy clothes from "regular" shops, but there was something really sad about knowing that I no longer belonged in the store that was pretty much my go-to store for a long time.
It's complicated, this weight loss thing. Sometimes I feel the guilt thing, too. It's not really guilt; I'm not sure what it is. But it kind of feels like guilt, or embarassment, or something uncomfortable.
Even though I'm still big, I'm not near as big as I used to be. I get hit on a lot now, and I don't know how to deal with it. At all. I get all weird and awkward. I think it freaks men out I'm not used to it and I have no idea how to deal with men. And when people say I'm not "fat" it bothers me, people now call me "thick" or "chubby", no longer "fat". It's just weird. I get you.
Thanks everyone! Yes, I definitely need to focus on other things for some balance. I am a high school teacher, and school starts soon, so I'll have no choice!
I'm still a long way from my goal weight, but I've been trying to lose weight and failing for eleven years, and I do feel that when I hit goal, what will be my goal in life? What will I be striving for? I just seriously feel that the contentment I imagine I'll feel will seem unusual and unnerving, and I'll need something new to be unsatisfied with!
I'm still a long way from my goal weight, but I've been trying to lose weight and failing for eleven years, and I do feel that when I hit goal, what will be my goal in life? What will I be striving for? I just seriously feel that the contentment I imagine I'll feel will seem unusual and unnerving, and I'll need something new to be unsatisfied with!
Maybe that's a blessing. How many people go through life without feeling dissatisfied enough to really make changes and accomplishments in their life; or live their life feeling always dissatisfied but not *knowing*, from direct experience, they can do anything they set their mind to? How said is that?
The things we learn in weight loss really transfer to any goal you choose, and I think that is really a huge gift we all have.
Yes, I will agree that these months have taught me so much more than I expected. I would say that I'm feeling so successful with my effort that once accomplished I'll "lose" the perpetual feeling of seeing me fit in to smaller clothes, meeting goals, etc. So, it helps to consider transfering these skills over to another goal. I am someone who is goal oriented and appreicate working towards something.
So, I think I'll find a couple different goals. I was thinking of putting away $X every week that I maintain. I get to watch money grow slowing and continue to support the success of my weight loss. I have a long way off from now until Spring to find out IF I am accepted to the PhD program so that's another goal. After that, I'll have five years to monitor my weight maintenance while also slowly working on the other goal of earning a degree.
The plan to monitor two goals--maintenance AND _________--will be my next phase. Maybe I'll get to some point that maintenance just happens without my making so much attention on it. We'll see. Time will tell.
I think one HUGE issue here is that we spend alot of time looking BACK and not alot of time looking forward...we remember what we used to eat, where we used to shop, how we used to see ourselves and how we used to interact with others. And a period of mourning is normal -- for the food, for the relationships, for our comfort zone that we no longer fit into, for our definition of OURSELVES, and also for the way that weight seemed to be the reliable "cushion" to explain defeats and disappointments -- you know, I WOULD have got that promotion but they don't like fat people, or I can't exercise because I'm too big. Weight can serve as a great "reason" for things, and now without it, there may be some truths we have to face about ourselves which is out of our comfort zone...
I've spent alot of time trying my hardest, this weight loss time around, to look FORWARD and not backwards. I now shop at regular stores, so I don't even LOOK at the Addition-Elle or the Penningtons window fronts. I make a point of this because that is who I WAS, and this is who I AM NOW. I don't think about how much I've lost -- I think about how far I have to go to get to my goal. I do my best to consciously put weight and goal and size and all that stuff on the back burner, because for me, the less I focus on it, the more "natural" it becomes. I've had to redefine myself and simply live the definition rather than focus on whether or not I "deserve" the redefinition. My theory is that if I truly LIVE the definition of myself as a Bikram's Yoga-loving, intake-conscious, normal weighted person, then it'll become my reality, making weight GAIN not a realistic option. That's the theory, anyways! We'll see what the reality is in a few months, I'm sure
So, I make the effort NOT to feel guitly about the weight loss for ME, but I DO feel guilty about the reactions of others -- friends and family who are overweight and look SAD about my new body and my new life because they are SAD for themselves. I've always been a fixer of things, and now I'm a CAUSER of disharmony. Which is silly, because the option is to regain the weight so everyone else BUT me can be happy...
Tricky stuff, huh...
It'll get better with time -- just LIVE the dream, so to speak, and put the rest on the back burner.
I do feel guilty but...ONLY when I go around my sister or my fam who are still overweight and Im flaunting and they arent...It makes me want to hide myself...
I feel thin guilt when I'm around my friends who are struggling with their weight. I don't want them to be angry with me (it's irrational, I know). But, I fear that they might be annoyed that I've lost weight and they haven't.
I am worried about saying the wrong things. I am worried about talking too much about my exercises, my new eating habits, my smaller clothing sizes etc.
I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to lose more when they haven't lost any.
Thin Guilt
I'm not used to it and I have no idea how to deal with men. And when people say I'm not "fat" it bothers me, people now call me "thick" or "chubby", no longer "fat". It's just weird. I get you.
