Thin Guilt
 

Hello Everyone!

This is my first post...glad to be here! Does anyone else have issues with guilt for losing weight? I am not quite sure "guilt" is the right word, actually...just this sense that I am doing something wrong.

Maybe it's because I've never been "thin," and like many people who are or were overweight, I have always had a love/hate relationship with wanting to be thin and thin people. On the one hand, I've wanted thinness desperately; on the other, I've always associated it with deprivation.

So, here I am, 7lbs away from goal. For the first time in my life I am "healthy." I have a wonderful, balanced diet; I exercise everyday; I'm full of energy and zest for life. And I'm actually eating MORE than I did when I was overweight because my active lifestyle requires it.

So, why do I feel guilty about wanting to lose 7 more lbs, even though I KNOW, on a rational level, that it's perfectly acceptable for my height and frame? Not too thin. Not sickly. Not "anorexic," which is what I used to dismissively call anyone who was thinner...despite the fact they were usually not even close to being so.

Maybe it's that I'm finally, after having shed the fat, shedding my fat self, the girl who was insecure and in denial. I'm becoming that person who I both worshiped and loathed. And though it feels really, really good, it also feels really, really scary. I have a profound sense of loss about all of this. In the past, being so far out of my comfort zone would have prompted me to head for the freezer, but not today. Today, I'm putting on my sneakers and heading down to the gym.

=) Thanks for listening.

Well, thank you for speaking my mind. You are totally in the same space as me. I'm about 6 or 7 pounds away from my goal. I am worrying and fantasizing about my maintenance plan. But I'm also feeling guily. Lots of people see me and say "wow, you look SO great! Argh, I am so fat and need to lose weight too. What did you do?" This is basically separating me from "the herd". I'm feeling isolated and lonely. I am very appreciative of 3fatchicks because I do feel community.

I don't want to keep buying weight loss magazines just to keep feeling connected. I'm NOT losing weight but just living. So, I have to figure out what "just living" means and how to do it. I've binged a couple times recently and tried to place this in context. I've been very restricted for calories over six months. I see that 6 months is typically the longest stretch to keep up a regime then, for both body and soul, take a break. I'm so near my goal that I want to pull out these last few pounds before going on vacation AND going home to my sisters and family. They sort of know I've been on a health kick (but when wasn't I?) and a bit more successful than usual. Just not knowing HOW successful and what my life has changed to.

I'm also applying to a PhD program as I'm wrapping up my weight loss. Some of it is totally in step with all that I've been doing for my career but also it's coming at a perfect time when I have patience, maturity, commitment, determination, etc. So, I try to stay positive and strong.

But I recently read an article about "survivor's guilt" (in context with employees left after lots of lay-offs). I was reflecting a bit on that because it is hard to be the employee left when we've experienced lay-offs. But I wonder if I'm also experiencing some sort of "success guilt".

I have been grumpy sometimes about the weight loss: I'm colder, my butt hurts on firm surfaces, and I am now that skinny chick I loathed before.

Well, I'll look forward to more replies here and would love to keep this thread going some more. Looking forward to seeing if a herd forms here.

I does feel weird at first.

First, time really does help. Just wait it out a bit.

Second, I find it really helps to pick some substitute goals/focuses. They might still be food/fitness related, or they might be entirely different (taking up some volunteer service). But it helps with that feeling of "what now?"

Wow, thanks, JulieJ08. Your suggestion to replace goals/focuses really makes sense for me. I do want that practise and feel so greatly rewarded by the weight loss effort. If I replace it with, say saving money (small bits collected over time adding up is a bit like weight loss) or my application for PhD. These are efforts that take time, patience, and don't have immediate gratification. The pay-offs are way down the road for weight loss, saving funds, or applying to that phd.

Very helpful. Thanks.

I think that goals is a great idea! May I suggest the hundred push-up challenge if you want it to be fitness-related? Or for non fitness-related, check out listsofbests.com, you can choose lists of books or movies or music you want to read (although as a grad student myself i can say with confidence you will soon not want to read any books for pleasure!)...

Although i am pretty far from goal myself i can definitely relate to what you are saying- i have found myself bursting into tears every so often these days when usually i hardly ever cry and there is nothing really wrong- sometimes that weight is a bit of a cushion against the world and it is only normal to feel a little strange getting used to living without it! (see the previous thread on dealing with male attention ahem). Plus if that formed part of your identity as i am sure it does for many people on 3fc (myself included) it is hard to reimagine yourself. I don't really have any tips or anything, maybe some actual maintainers have a better idea! But hang in there.

I remember that last time I lost weight, I could no longer shop in Lane Bryant and I felt really sad about that. I was also happy, don't get me wrong, because I could buy clothes from "regular" shops, but there was something really sad about knowing that I no longer belonged in the store that was pretty much my go-to store for a long time.

It's complicated, this weight loss thing. Sometimes I feel the guilt thing, too. It's not really guilt; I'm not sure what it is. But it kind of feels like guilt, or embarassment, or something uncomfortable.

Even though I'm still big, I'm not near as big as I used to be. I get hit on a lot now, and I don't know how to deal with it. At all. I get all weird and awkward. I think it freaks men out :lol: I'm not used to it and I have no idea how to deal with men. And when people say I'm not "fat" it bothers me, people now call me "thick" or "chubby", no longer "fat". It's just weird. I get you.

Thanks everyone! Yes, I definitely need to focus on other things for some balance. I am a high school teacher, and school starts soon, so I'll have no choice!

I'm still a long way from my goal weight, but I've been trying to lose weight and failing for eleven years, and I do feel that when I hit goal, what will be my goal in life? What will I be striving for? I just seriously feel that the contentment I imagine I'll feel will seem unusual and unnerving, and I'll need something new to be unsatisfied with!

Maybe that's a blessing. How many people go through life without feeling dissatisfied enough to really make changes and accomplishments in their life; or live their life feeling always dissatisfied but not *knowing*, from direct experience, they can do anything they set their mind to? How said is that?

The things we learn in weight loss really transfer to any goal you choose, and I think that is really a huge gift we all have.

Yes, I will agree that these months have taught me so much more than I expected. I would say that I'm feeling so successful with my effort that once accomplished I'll "lose" the perpetual feeling of seeing me fit in to smaller clothes, meeting goals, etc. So, it helps to consider transfering these skills over to another goal. I am someone who is goal oriented and appreicate working towards something.

So, I think I'll find a couple different goals. I was thinking of putting away $X every week that I maintain. I get to watch money grow slowing and continue to support the success of my weight loss. I have a long way off from now until Spring to find out IF I am accepted to the PhD program so that's another goal. After that, I'll have five years to monitor my weight maintenance while also slowly working on the other goal of earning a degree.

The plan to monitor two goals--maintenance AND _________--will be my next phase. Maybe I'll get to some point that maintenance just happens without my making so much attention on it. We'll see. Time will tell.

I think one HUGE issue here is that we spend alot of time looking BACK and not alot of time looking forward...we remember what we used to eat, where we used to shop, how we used to see ourselves and how we used to interact with others. And a period of mourning is normal -- for the food, for the relationships, for our comfort zone that we no longer fit into, for our definition of OURSELVES, and also for the way that weight seemed to be the reliable "cushion" to explain defeats and disappointments -- you know, I WOULD have got that promotion but they don't like fat people, or I can't exercise because I'm too big. Weight can serve as a great "reason" for things, and now without it, there may be some truths we have to face about ourselves which is out of our comfort zone...

I've spent alot of time trying my hardest, this weight loss time around, to look FORWARD and not backwards. I now shop at regular stores, so I don't even LOOK at the Addition-Elle or the Penningtons window fronts. I make a point of this because that is who I WAS, and this is who I AM NOW. I don't think about how much I've lost -- I think about how far I have to go to get to my goal. I do my best to consciously put weight and goal and size and all that stuff on the back burner, because for me, the less I focus on it, the more "natural" it becomes. I've had to redefine myself and simply live the definition rather than focus on whether or not I "deserve" the redefinition. My theory is that if I truly LIVE the definition of myself as a Bikram's Yoga-loving, intake-conscious, normal weighted person, then it'll become my reality, making weight GAIN not a realistic option. That's the theory, anyways! We'll see what the reality is in a few months, I'm sure :lol:

So, I make the effort NOT to feel guitly about the weight loss for ME, but I DO feel guilty about the reactions of others -- friends and family who are overweight and look SAD about my new body and my new life because they are SAD for themselves. I've always been a fixer of things, and now I'm a CAUSER of disharmony. Which is silly, because the option is to regain the weight so everyone else BUT me can be happy...

Tricky stuff, huh...

It'll get better with time -- just LIVE the dream, so to speak, and put the rest on the back burner.

Kira

I do feel guilty but...ONLY when I go around my sister or my fam who are still overweight and Im flaunting and they arent...It makes me want to hide myself...

Excellent words to live by! :D

I feel thin guilt when I'm around my friends who are struggling with their weight. I don't want them to be angry with me (it's irrational, I know). But, I fear that they might be annoyed that I've lost weight and they haven't.

I am worried about saying the wrong things. I am worried about talking too much about my exercises, my new eating habits, my smaller clothing sizes etc.

I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to lose more when they haven't lost any.

Thank you for this thread - it`s a big issue for me, too, at th emoment, as my weight loss is becoming noticeable. I have been eagerly awaiting this stage, but with it comes embarrassment and guilt from within myself as well as attention and envy from others.

I do, for example, feel that I have betrayed those other fat girls with whom I used to ***** about other women and dream about a better body (and then go on to share another packet of biscuits). I now feel uncomfortable listening to them talking about weight things as I myself am approaching BMI25.

At the beginning I had to restrain myself and not to broadcast my regime (I was so enthusiastic about it) and now I wish that they would not ask because I somehow do no longer want to share it.

It`s the weirdest thing, and boy, was I longing for that: "Have you lost weight?" Some don`t ask but they stare and treat me with such contempt that it can only be envy.

Thanks for sharing Stella. I am dreading the, "Have you lost weight?" question at work tomorrow (first day back after summer vacation).

I know. I`m talking about work, too. Still, none those who are close to me ask, but I see them stare. They are not happy...

I had not told them about my regime because we had all promised such dramatic weight loss which then never happened. TO me, it was starting to feel childish, but no doubt they may think I was being "sneaky" about it. Weired species, we women are...

I continue to work with practising to assert my needs without asserting myself. It's good to be healthy. It's good to feel good. It's good to exercise and make healthy food choices. I have been seeing a more confident me in different situations. It's good. It is also being sure of my goal. I know that 138 is a healthy weight.

I wonder about my co-workers and family friends who actually aren't familiar with what healthy eating and weight look like.

I've been told that I shouldn't try to lose any MORE weight. In years past, people would tell me my kids were really skinny and picky eaters. But my kids are 50th percentile for weight and height (right in the middle, average). They prefer raw tofu, raw cauliflower, raw broccoli and plain salads. I wouldn't call it picky just really healthy. My familiy is harder to be around as guests or joining with friends to a restaurant because we don't eat heavy food and I'm vegetarian. So, the resistance I'm getting is from folks who want me to join back in on the feeding frenzy and glutony.

At the office, I'm seeing the impact of folks who participated in our office-wide scheme for weight loss effort this past Jan through May. However, I was the only one who lost weight. There are now trays for meetings that have low-fat muffins and smaller pieces of cake when we used to have veges and fruit. Office folks are still hopeful--low-fat and smaller portions--but are sneaking in stuff. Everyone is now used to me eating my meals at 10am and 2pm no matter what; not eating offered foods at meetings or parties--no matter what.

Lately, people just say "ya, you lost weight but you're different and have a special method". So, I'm at a lose as to what to say now. I actually deflect, minimize success and just keep it private. No sharing because I feel like I'll have people tell me I'm getting too skinny, too difficult to be around, or using "Gandhi-like" powers that no one else can follow.

Very true! I've actually gotten heat for my weight goal on other forums, where people are supposed to be supportive, or at least better informed! 110 is too low for someone who is 5'7" maybe, but I am barely 5'1" :lol: I think that's part of it for me, actually. 110 sounds really low, almost sickly thin in my brain because for the "average" person it is, so I have to remind myself that for me, it's a healthy weight. "BMI 20.8" sounds much better, so maybe that's what I'll start saying rather than the scale weight!;)

I actually had a great day at work today though. I was nervous about the questions, but other than a few, "Oooh, you look great!" comments, it went fine. I have a running partner now, too! Two of my friends walked right past me twice at different times though, which was hilarious:)

I agree with the BMI idea. I had originally planned to try to get to mid-BMI (128 pounds) but had so many reactions. I thought, I'd at least consider whether it made sense. Part of the issue is that most people are taller than me (well there are also folks your and my height) and who aren't very thoughtful about all that is related to different body types/needs. I looked up on-line and saw the Willoughby athletic weight/waist. I thought I'd try to get to that goal (i.e., 138) and see how that feels. My main/original goal was to relieve pain in my knees. I'm bouncy now and have no general pain--unless carrying a 10pound bag. I thought I'd try maintenance for 6 months a 138 to see how things are, celebrate having met my original weight loss goal and then some (originally 145 pounds), and take a break. I heard about the 6 months cycle for the body and being able to work at weight loss for about that much time for success dips. So, I'll take a break and see where I'm at.

This is a really good thread..... but I'm glad that I read it! I realize now that I'm probably going to have to look ahead to these kinds of things and thoughts, because I'm already starting to get random moments like this. Like, for instance, a cute little top that I bought over six months ago to wear when I went out when I lost a little weight.... well, apparently, it seems I've blasted right past that size and it's now already way too big for me. Kinda sad.... but... happy, at the same time. Confused.

Kinda the same thing happened to me when my brother's dad took ill and then passed, so he moved in with me and I was working non-stop between a 40+ hour a week job (and midnights at that) AND getting him to and from school more than half the week..... when he got his diploma, I was so proud watching him walk across that stage.... but at the same time, I felt this crazy sense of loss and disorientation in my life because I'd reached my goal of seeing him graduated. *sigh* I think I'll probably feel the same with the weight loss....

But, I think the goal thing, and then the replacing of goals.... will do the trick for me. Right now I'm working on getting healthy and getting to that goal weight, as well as a trip I'm making in December... but after that I need to work on going back and finishing up my degree, etc. I guess if you keep yourself busy, and goal oriented.... and ENJOY what you've accomplished... it'll work out. :)

Great that your first school day went fine, BKKChick!

It`s usually people who are large and unhealthy themselves who pass comments like that your gw is too low or try to tempt you back into your old was. It`s easy to see through, though: they`ll be annoyed that they cannot do it for themselves and seem to think: "If I cannot do it, nobody should!" It`s a shame really, if only they allowed themselves to be inspired...

I'd just get over it A complement is not always jealousy. Envy might be that you are effecting these other girls to help improve themselves. The health benifits of being at the right weight are proven and the detriment to being overweight is proven. I'd say don't concern your self with what other people think. All you can be is tolerant, and compassonate toward others, you can't dictate what they should look like.

Great thread. Wow...something has been going on with me the last week or so (binging & anxiety etc.) and I was blaming it on PMS, but that's over and it's still here. Thankfully I get it together for a few days between pig-out sessions to keep my weight steady but I just feel weird--out of control. Thursday night we went to the county fair, and I saw A LOT of people in whom I haven't seen for ages. (We spend most of our free time at my husbands elderly parents home in the city, so we don't really go out often to large local events except for school functions, ball games etc.) I had forgotten the amount of obesity in the area. I truly felt like the circus side show act. The looks and whispers were more than I could take. I had an anxiety attack. I feel guilty, I feel empty, I keep trying to fill the void, and food is not doing the trick. (As IF!)

I don't know how many times I have told people here at 3FC not to worry about what others think, and I am sorry I have ever seemed so blunt about something so emotional. Ugh. Anyway, I wish weight, (big or small) wasn't such a huge social topic. I just wish I could move to a town were nobody ever knew I was so fat.

It is a huge social topic, indeed. I have felt time and time again through my yo-yo dieting that people who only ever knew me as slim OR fat reacted differently to my shape and style of eating (they accepted it as just being me) than those who saw me gain, lose or both.

People who are "just slim" seem to be more readily accepted for their shape than people who used to be larged and lost weight.

It should not be an issue at all, yet, I find myself noticing that about my own reaction to people, too. If they have slimmed down, I feel they have accomplised something, but if they have always been slim I don`t (even if they use a trendemous amount of discipline to maintain their figure).

I'm trying to really figure this out. I'm flirtting with a new maintenance level. I bought a new scale and weighed myself on Friday early am. I was pleased to be only four pounds from goal.

By email, my sisters want to know if they'll even recognize me when I get home for vacation in a couple weeks.

That evening, I took my kids out for dinner and purposely ordered a sub without mayo and a side of two pickle spears (normally estimated as 500 calories and too much for one meal). I thought it'd be nice since I'm so close to goal.

My little son ordered buffalo wings with a small fry. He ended up with 10 way too salty/spicy wings and a huge order of fries.

I nibbled, then joined, then took over for him, then wouldn't share. Hmmm. I've been working on my "inability to share food with my kids". Guess it's still around. By the way, I'm also 99% vegetarian (mostly because I abuse meat with too much sauce and am completely happy with vegetarian life).

I took the kids afterwards to the ice cream shop and had a medium hard yogurt. The little one couldn't finish his, ... so I finished for him.

In the morning, I totally worked out and stayed on plan. I didn't feel so bad since I felt more able to have a "high day" as long as I balance with a companion day of a "low day" and lots of energy use. I was thinking that I was more or less alright. Hey, I'm almost at GOAL!

Today I weighed again and am now eight pounds from maintenance. I'm assuming that the too salty wings helped with water retention plus I'm getting my period.

Now the philosophical is turning to sincere regret.

But today we had guests. My husband and I love to cook for friends. He cooks meat dishes and various foods from his country. I make vegetarian options based on his country's cuisine with my own interpretations. So my husband and guests ate tons of rice, goat meat, and sampled my dishes. I made a vegetarian entree (curried beans and mushroom) that had the same spices as their goat meat version. For a rice "substitute", I made a very light curried tomatoe and tossed in a whole bag of bean sprouts at the end. I plated out a pile of raw spinach, dished out a cup of bean sprouts and added the bean/mushroom entre. I was so pleased with the delicious food, ate a very good size portion, and stayed within 300 calories--easily.

So, I'm trying to figure out--am I ready for maintenance or not? I need to always remember that I DO have control. I also have to be able to balance in a treat or high cal food with higher activities/lower cal foods. Finally, I need to continue the LIFESTYLE I've been practising for six plus months.

Stay tuned for another episode of...As the Maintainer Maintains...da dammmmm da da.

This is such a great thread.

I do feel weirdly guilty about losing weight. I've always been overweight, so being thinner, having people notice and comment on it embarrasses me. I'm proud, I'm happy, but I'm struggling with how much more comfortable and safe I felt when I was heavier. Unhappy perhaps, but safe.

The office environment that I work in is mainly older women, and mainly older women who are struggling with their weight the same way I am. I feel guilty to be losing weight, to be succeeding at it, when they are not. I don't want to feel guilty and also I don't want to feel competitive about it. The only person I need to focus on is myself.

I think weight loss is something that if you're really going to do, you need to be selfish about.

I feel guilt about being thin but I also work very very hard to say that way I exercise many hours aday and eat very clean. What kaind of bugs me are the people that seem to say nothing or act like they see no difference in me? I lost 45 lbs and went from a couch potatoe to a p90x touting 57 yr bikini able to wear women{not that I am running around in one}. I live in an area where smoking drinking and gambling is prevalinte and I do NONE of those things I am not sure if Nothing is said because of JEALOUSY or what {just kinda bugs me THANKS TO ALL OF YOU AT 3fc you all help my confidence.

Definitely. I, too, feel guilty at times that I`m succeeding while others don`t, but then again, it`s not my fault that they, for whateer reason, are not losing.

Also, for years and years, I was them and they were me. Maybe, the one or other felt guilty towards me but it never stopped them from losing, and damn right it has not!

We are only responsible for ourselves and not for other people.

Stella

Well said!!

I am getting uncomfortable with the overzealous attention or, even worse, the near disappointment when the answer to "how" is food measurement/calorie restriction and exercising...

This is a difficult issue for me as well. I am at a very normal weight however it is not enough for me. I wish to gain muscle and really excel at my weightlifting. Yes, once upon a time, losing 30lbs was my biggest goal, but I have realized that weight is really only one component of health. I also work in an environment that is mostly female and few don't struggle with their weight. They share diet plans with each other, but never with me. I would love to share with them what really worked (eating proper nutritious calories for my weight and keeping active) but I don't think they are ready. You can't help someone who isn't ready (and that applies to everything).

I kind of feel this same pressure. For me it's mostly a hesitance to talk about me losing weight and such. Like my roommate now.. I love her to DEATH but she's obese and I know she wants to lose weight because she's mentioned it in passing when we were talking with another friend of hers (so it wasn't said directly to me) and I KNOW she's unsatisfied with her weight, so it makes me hesitant to say that I'm losing weight around her. I love her to death and she's like the best roommate ever, so I don't want her to feel... I don't know... like I'm one of THEM... one of THOSE girls, you know? It's hard sometimes, I think.

I can absolutely second that. My sister is here at the moment, and she has gained a lot of weight, for various reasons, over the last few years. She has always been slim and I was large (which, I think, she has enjoyed at times), now I am normal weight and she is very large.

As we live in separate countries (I emigrated for love!) we don`t see each other often. Although I got a half hearted compliment for my weight loss I could clearly see that my own weight loss heightened her embarrassment about her own size.

This I could deal with, but I can sense that she gets exasperated at the way I eat, e.g. when she gets herself an XXL ice cream and I order an XXS for myself or worse, none at all. Her husband (who is even larger) also said that I don`t eat and can`t possibly be happy with the way I`m losing the weight. That, in turn, made me defensive. I`ve been trying to provide them with the loveliest of things at home, but when we go out, they shovel in loads of junk which angers me. Food really is an issue which goes like a red thread through this visit.

Stella

Stella, one of my best friends recently told me this. When people make nasty comments about how you are losing weight or what you are eating, that it says more about what they are feeling than about you. You are doing great! Recently, one of my workout "buddies" made the comment to someone else, who was asking how I lost weight, that "She only works part-time." Yes, I work 30 hrs a week. I also have 2 kids at home while she does not. Has she lost weight in the 10+ months that we have been weight training? No, not a noticeable amount. I would prefer to weight train by myself, but for now I'm stuck with her.

You are very right. But she moans about her mweight so much, making all sorts of excuses, e.g. stating that it`s not her fault.

Stella

Wow .. congrats on being so close to your goal, first of all. :)

I am SO far away from my own goal, but I have often worried about the things you mentioned. I've always been very obese, and I've always tried to be proud that (personality-wise) I wasn't as superficial as other girls. But I hope I do not become that way when I lose the weight! :?:

I think you should be proud of yourself. Enjoy this thirst for life, and try to put the guilt to rest - you have worked hard to be healthy, and that is such a beautiful thing! :hug:

Thank you. I agree but it can be hard at times.

I doubt that you can ever become superficial in the way you dislike it from thinner women. Even when you are as thin as them, you`ll have been there and know all about it.

My sister is saying that about herself. She says that she was a superficial skinny girl, but if she ever regains her former figure she will never take it for granted again. She says that she could never understand how on earth a woman could let herself get "fat" and complain about it while doing nothign about it. She is now experiencing what it is like.

I do understand what y'all are saying. In my case I feel guilty because while I've been helping others to lose and see them one by one drop out, I feel guilty that I'm getting close to reaching my goal. So even though I'm happy I'm almost there, I feel bad for the ones I've left behind.
I do agree on putting your mind on other projects or things. It seems like all I think about it exercise and food (what to and not to eat), so to have something to distract me on would be great.