Location: Nebraska. I live in rural Nebraska. Moo.
Posts: 20
S/C/G: 167/162/145
Height: 5'7"
Comments made by Boyfriend
Ok, so this is kind of a long story, but basically here goes...
I made a huge move over several states and changed jobs without having my family around. I got a boyfriend after moving to the new state, and then proceeded to put on twenty pounds due to the stress. The boyfriend noticed this over a period of several months, and then I happened to ask him if he still found me as attractive as he did the day we went out the first time. He said, "do you even need to ask me this? No, I don't. You're still attractive but not as attractive as you were then." I told him I was hurt by this, but he just says I am too sensitive. He has also (I think) jokingly called me 'tolerable' to be around, a bit of a spaz, and a jerk sometimes. He is nice otherwise.. He is a farmer's son, so I can imagine tact is not his strong suite. Thing is, I have never called him a jerk and he is no skinny mini himself.. Yet if he gained twenty pounds, I would not say what he told me! I wouldn't even think it.
Anyways, he just left outside after asking me to help him with something. Thing is, I don't feel I am wanted around so I declined. I do not want to be around someone who thinks those things of me. He recently said he was on his period when he issued the remark about my attractivness, which didn't help things much.. Am I just the crazy one here?
Boys can be jerks sometimes. I think it's in their nature.
Atleast he "corrected" himself, by saying he was PMS'ing. That shows he realizes he shouldn't have said that.
Cut him some slack, he tried to apologize in his own way. Most guys are not terribly great at answering those types of questions.
And really - why on earth did you ask it? It is one of those loaded questions and you wouldn't have been happy with any answer. Think about it.
If he had said, why of course - you are every bit as attractive as when I first met you, you would have had nagging doubts that he was lying - because you don't think you are as attractive 20 lbs. heavier.
So, be thankful he blurted out an honest answer, realized his mistake and tried to make light of it. He loves you. He finds you attractive. He's nice, he's honest ...
If his comments hurt you, discuss them honestly with him. Let him know you are hurt when he calls you a spaz. Most guys wouldn't have a clue that it could be hurtful. DH and I have had some pet names for each other that were endearing to us, but might have sounded strange to others. I'm betting that he doesn't realize that you are hurt and he will change if you let him know.
Last edited by CountingDown; 11-02-2008 at 05:52 PM.
Most guys show their affection for each other by calling each other names. It's a guy thing. My husband and his brother call each other dipsh*t all the time. I don't get it, but it works for them. They also punch each other. And put each other in headlocks. (And these are 40+ year old men, mind you.)
Guys are weird.
Also, I do think you put him in a no win situation with the "do you still find me attractive" question. How is he supposed to answer that? I think he was nicely honest - yes, you're still attractive, but not as much as you used to be. Ouch, sure. I'd find that painful - but then again I'd have to accept that I asked.
I think you need to cut him some slack here. There's obviously a lot going on with you - the weight, the stress, probably some homesickness, etc. Don't make him bear the brunt of your issues.
Yeah... ask yourself the same question: Do you think you're as attractive as you were 20 pounds ago? You would probably answer no. Next time, be prepared for every possible answer you might get. If your not, then don't ask.
I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. Mine would be too. It was a tricky question, but knowing that probably doesn't help the way you are hurting right now.
Try not to use this as an excuse to continue to stress eat. Stay online at 3fc and bond with the chicks. I know when I am online with the chicks I am not eating.
When I was younger, that would have devastated me. I've come to realize that it really isn't important what other people think. What matters is what you think.
You asked him his opinion and he gave it to you. And he was honest, and it hurt. You were probably feeling bad about yourself, or you wouldn't have wanted vindication from him, so it was extra hurtful.
I don't think it would be fair to hold his opinion against him. Honesty can be hard to come by. Trust me, it doesn't help when they tell you what you want to hear, but you know its only lip service.
Are you aware that your comment about him being a "farmer's son" is also insulting? So you're even. Move on.
Bottom line, don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. Be positive about yourself and other's opinions become less important.
I think all those things he has said could be explained away as just human imperfections if he was otherwise a great guy and you were really happy. They could also just be the tip of the iceberg of what he is really like, in a bad way. Impossible to tell from a short post, or any kind of post really. But I will say that it sounds like you're not happy. Sometimes little things bug us when we're not happy that we would laugh off when we were happy - so the important thing isn't exactly what he said, but that you're not happy.
. Yet if he gained twenty pounds, I would not say what he told me! I wouldn't even think it.
If you were only willing to accept one answer from him, why ask in the first place? I agree with Julie that it sounds like you're not happy. The fact your asking questions like that, and only being able to accept one answer shows that you need validation and bf or not, the only person able to give you validation and happiness is YOU. From what you said, he hasnt said he no longer loves you or anything, so I think you just need to do some soul searching for yourself, learn to love you first.
. . . then I happened to ask him if he still found me as attractive as he did the day we went out the first time. He said, "do you even need to ask me this? No, I don't. You're still attractive but not as attractive as you were then."
He is responsible for what he says, but I think you're also responsible for asking. I never ask my husband questions to which I wouldn't appreciate a honest answer. If I suspect an answer might hurt my feelings, then I just don't ask.
I know the answer he gave you hurt.I am sorry for that but did it hurt because his answer just comfirmed how you were feeling about yourself? I know I am harder on myself than anyone else is. I knew I needed to lose weight but hubby was telling me I look great, so I gained another 15 pounds and blamed him a bit for not saying I was gaining. Guys are in a no win situation when asked these questions.
i am 20 lbs heavier now than when my husband and i started dating as well and i KNOW my body is not as good now as it was then <i say my body b/c ppl swear my face has gotten prettier with age b/c it used to b such a baby face> however if my husband said that to me after i carried his two children first i would slap the sh*t out of him and then i would bust my azz to lose that 20 lbs.
Last edited by DanielleAshley; 12-21-2008 at 02:17 AM.
There are questions that are truly "no win" questions. Women have asked that question, gotten the "right answer" (you get more and more attractive to me every day) - and then come here and complain that they "know" that he is lying to make them feel good, because there's "no way" he could find her attractive x number of pounds heavier than when they met. Or WORSE - he likes me heavier, so no other man will look at me - or he likes me heavier so he's going to be sabotaging my weight loss efforts.
There are certain questions women should never ask, because they're not going to like or be satisfied with any answer. Or as my husband says, "if you want a specific answer, could you let me know what it is ahead of time, so I know what I'm supposed to say."
That question is right up there with "does this dress make me look fat," or "is she prettier than I am?"
As someone who is prone to ask loaded questions myself, I have learned to rephrase them so I get what I want.
There is no harm in saying, "I am not feeling really great about my body. Can you please tell me what you find attractive about me?" or something along those lines. If you ask for support in this kind of a way, you will most likely get a wonderful answer, the kind you are really looking for.
Ask for what you want from your partner, Huskyhusker, in a really straightforward and honest way. You deserve to be loved and supported.
Then you get what you want, he is not confused (most men don't understand our loaded questions anyway) and you save all the money I have had to spend on marriage counselling
Comments made by Boyfriend
