I have come to the realization that I have no self-esteem. Zero. Ok, maybe not zero, but very bad. As I posted recently, I've *never* been a thin person. Ever. Even as a child, past the age of 6-7, I've always been chubby. Not obese(that didn't come until adulthood), but always with a little belly on me. I had a growth spurt in early high school--for awhile there I was maybe only 10 lbs overweight and I looked pretty good then! I got attention from guys, I felt good in my clothes---but I gained weight. That was over 10 years ago now--I'm 24. Eventually I would gain over 50 lbs from that high school weight.
So any way, I'm not at my goal weight yet, but I'm closing in on it. A weight that I've never weighed as an adult...I've realized I'm not mentally prepared to be perceived as someone half-way decent looking. I don't know how to take compliements...I seriously wonder if people are joking. I don't know how to take glances from men or even friendliness at all. I go out of my way not to look at people in the eyes when I'm out in public--especially by myself so when I do happen to catch someone's glance I am unnerved by it. I constantly wonder if there's something on my face or some reason I'm unaware of that they would have to look at me. I see even average looking guys as being "out of my league"--the thought of dating someone who *I* find to be very attractive is foreign to me. I am socially awkward with people I find attractive...I often can think of nothing better to do than smile, laugh moronically at whatever they've said(assuming it was an attempt to be funny), and then run off without another word.
I know that it's the result of years and years of being a bigger person...people--close to me or not--have worn it down with little comments(often made out of thoughtlessness, not ill-wishes). Even my own mother telling me things like "you'll never find a boyfriend looking like that." or "your boyfriend would like you better if you lost weight". Will this body-image improve with time? Or will I always feel so awkward and squimish about it?
I've read a lot on these boards how people need to go through a process of making peace with the "fat girl" inside. It's very interesting. The experience of being a "fat girl" in our culture is huge. Very recently I've recognized the things it's done FOR me. A lot of my "life of the party/sense of humor" type stuff comes from being The Fat Girl (including when I thought I was fat but wasn't! Doesn't matter!)
RE: men and sex -- I can honestly say my weight stopped me from making some really bad decisions. Literally there were times when I didn't sleep with some loser because I was afraid he would think I was fat!!! I can laugh at all that now but my husband loves me regardless of wieght....and I wonder if I would have found him had I not been so shy about my body and persued earlier crushes???
Anyway what I mean is the head part of the body issues is HUGE!! Like maybe the biggest part of it, and I think one reason we tend to regain lost weight is because we don't deal with it.
CONGRATS ON YOUR SUCCESS!! I think you bring up interesting points and you will work through them to find even more success.
I don't think self-esteem is a function of being a big girl, I think it's a function of internalizing the negative messages and letting the positive messages bounce off. Some folks maybe never got a lot of positive messages, or maybe there's something inside (maybe even genetic) that predisposes us towards giving more weight to positive (or negative) messages.
I have been overweight since age 5, and obese shortly after, and while my self-esteem throughout my life has had it's ups and downs, I don't think they've been linked to my weight nearly as much as I may have decided at the time. In other words, when my self-esteem was at it's lowest I may have blamed my weight, but I don't think it really was the weight nearly as much as the weight was a convenient excuse.
The reason I suspect it wasn't the weight at all, is that my peak era of confidence began at nearly my highest weight.
So often, when I hear someone talking about how they're wanting to lose weight so that they will be able to gain confidence, I think how ironic it is - because for me, gaining confidence was necessary for me to able to lose weight.
The only way to build confidence and self-esteem is to make goals and achieve them - and to celebrate and recognizes the achievements AND the efforts taken to do so (so don't set your goals so high that you're doomed to failures rather than successes - and try to reverse the habit of absorbing negativity and reflecting positivity - go out of your way to do the reverse - both in what others say about you, and more importantly what you're saying about yourself).
I agree 100% with kaplods. I really don't think a lack of self esteem has nearly as much to do with your weight as it does with YOU.
I've never had a self-esteem problem. Even when I was at my heaviest, wearing size 22-24 clothes. Yeah, there were times I was uncomfortable being naked or in a bathing suit in front of someone. There were times that I wondered if people were laughing at / talking about me and my weight, but even then .. those were individual incidents. I enjoy compliments, I've always flirted (even at my heaviest weight), I've always enjoyed my relationships including the physical parts, etc.
If low-self esteem were a result of being a big person, then it would follow that no longer being big would automatically help resolve those issues. Since it doesn't ... you know it isn't.
Which is good, really. It means that this is something within your control. It means you can CHOOSE to raise your self esteem, to start thinking of yourself positively, and to realize that you're a worthwhile person, no matter how big or small you are.
As kaplods said, set goals and achieve them - and then give yourself credit for that. Maybe an easy first goal for you would be to learn to take a compliment gracefully. To not giggle or run away, but just to say calmly and with a smile "Thank you!" It's a small step ... but something achievable.
I could have wrote that same message. Especially, the eye contact part!! I am completely uncomfortable. OR I have these curves now, so lets say I take a hoodie off and have a tight shirt on, and a male in the rooms eyes goes to body, I feel naked and vulnerable. Its so crazy!
I dont know how long you have been at a "more attractive" weight (hmm, at least only with clothes on for me, but thats a whole different post, haha). I have been for a year, and its been easier and I have found the pluses like somebody else posted. I did learn to socialize without any help from being aestically pleasing to the eyes (Well, okay, I always had a nice smile, haha). So, thats got to get me something, right? I only made a few mistakes with men in college---as opposed to the numbers of some of my friends.
I remember sitting with my sister in law and older cousin, both in later thirties. And they started pouring out to each other their insecurities about their hanging breasts, butts, and what not. One being absolutely adorable in a bikini and the other looking very good! And Im sitting there 50 pounds overweight and thinking "are these chicks forreal?" Because the sad reality is that every woman is at war with their self-image and working on their self esteem, constantly. And well at least our bodies are only improving for the time being, right? I was never given value over my body, so thats a lot of issues I hopefully wont have to sift through as a female. Who knows though.
I have come to the realization that I have no self-esteem.
when I do happen to catch someone's glance I am unnerved by it. I constantly wonder if there's something on my face or some reason I'm unaware of that they would have to look at me.
Me too, and guess what? I was 120 lb most of my adult life! I have come to realize that self-esteem and weight do not necessarily go hand in hand.
Will this body-image improve with time? Or will I always feel so awkward and squimish about it?
Hmm. Yes and no. I am 24 and for much of my life was the fat girl. I have been maintaining my current weight (give or take 5ish lbs) for 18mos. and I have gotten used to compliments and just force myself to say "thank you" with a smile. And sometimes I even believe what is said!!
Of course though I still feel akward about my size and sometimes I still feel much larger than I am.
Guys. Hm. Well I still don't know whom is "out of my league" or not. Guys confused the heck out of me and I think always will. I still find it difficult to fathom that a guy would like me. But hopefully I'll get over that one.
Originally Posted by jhinako
this body-image improve with time? Or will I always feel so awkward and squimish about it?
I too have had some trouble adjusting to my new looks. Photos were a shock. I am so happy with the health aspects of loss that I am pretty certain that my body-image will improve. I hope that yours will too.
I'm with kaplods. My own esteem has been steadily increasing, and that has helped me to handle positive comments and situations better as well as fend off negative ones. I think mean people are a bit like wolves in that they can smell low self-esteem and target you if you've got it.
I used to feel so bad about myself that I would literally be unable to talk to people. You CAN do this, and there are lots of resources to help yourself. To me, the strongest self image is one that looks at who you are as a whole, not just how you appear on the outside. It has nothing to do with weight, although how you treat yourself reflects that, and being healthy is a symptom of wanting to take care of yourself because you deserve it.
Me too, and guess what? I was 120 lb most of my adult life! I have come to realize that self-esteem and weight do not necessarily go hand in hand.
I would agree with that. A few years ago, my weight was going down. I was working hard and I would go to the department store to try on clothes just for fun, for the first time in years. I went in one time to find work pants, and picked up a pair of size 14's which I hadn't been able to wear for a long time. I slipped into them, zipped them up--they looked pretty good!--then I quickly took them off, left the store, went to my car and cried.
I was so upset. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I had been trying on someone else's pants. I called my sister, crying, and she tried to tell me that smaller pants can be a GOOD thing, but I was really shocked and unprepared for how upset and almost disoriented I was at being able to wear the smaller size pants.
Definitely something going on there...I'm a little worried about running into that reaction as I start my way back down the scales again.
Find something else about yourself, other than appearances/weight/shape, with which to find your self worth. You perceive that most others are only sizing you up physically, when they may be thinking something totally different. What matters, though, is how you perceive yourself. If all of your self worth is tied up in physical measures, then yeah... Self esteem will suffer and yo yo as much as the typical dieter. But if your self worth is based on other things or a variety of things that may or may not include physical things, then self esteem can grow and become more stable.
My self worth is based on how I feel about myself as a mother, a good person, a good friend, a good student, and as someone with a sense of humor and positive outlook. I am SURE that there are so many things you can find about yourself to tie your self worth to. Look at yourself and measure yourself with YOUR OWN measures, not your mom's. My mother did and does the same thing, and I can now just let it go in one ear and out the other. It used to affect me greatly when she would say things about my weight or how fat I was... But that is because appearances are EVERYTHING to her and I had learned only that.
I recently heard somebody define self esteem in a way that I'd never thought of it before. Self esteem doesn't just happen. You build self esteem by continually doing things that impress yourself. Losing all of your weight is pretty darn impressive! Maybe next you can set some fitness goals for yourself.
My self esteem went way up when I started becoming more physically active. I started with walking a local 5k, then I did the Breast Cancer 60 mile walk, then I started running 5ks and 10ks, then I moved onto triathlons. I was continually impressing myself and my self esteem grew.
I know it's uncomfortable, but push yourslef out of your comfort zone and start impressing yourself. You can accomplish whatever you set your mind to (look at your amazing weight loss!!!!). Once YOU look up to yourself, it will be only natural to expect others to look up to you, too.
I used to have low self -esteem and I still struggle with it. Now what I am gonna tell may be superficial or not but it truly did help me. I bought a pair of sexy heels and matching lingerie ( lacey bra and panties actually) and I would put it on and sashay around my house. If you live with someone in your room or when no one is home. I tried my best to walk sexy and act sexy and so on. I felt so stupid at first. My angle was that if I was comfortable in my own skin with only that on I could pull off confidence in public. Before I would get in the shower I would stand in the mirror and force me to look at myself and just stand. For me to build up self - esteem I had to be comfrotable with myself. Now I am not sure if we are giving advice or just listening so I hope I am on track. When I get dressed now and start feeling akward I imagine being back in my apt and I apply that attitude. oh I also joined dance classes because it gave me coordination and I was doing something that made me feel silly in front of other people. It got me to berak the "i feel akward" mind state. It won't change over night that is for sure, but if you keep working at it (just like anything else) it will come to you. Good Luck
I am not prepared for this.
But hopefully I'll get over that one.
