1 (12 ounce) beer= estimated 5% alcohol content (this is what is considered a normal drink size. This is the estimate that they go on to help people figure out if they should legally be driving or not. 5 to 8 of this size drink for Seth's weight would put him right at DUI status)
1 (12 ounce Steel reserve) = 8.1% Alcohol content
I'm so tired I don't even know if I can explain what I am looking for. I'm going to try my best and just hope that someone can decipher what I am trying to figure out.
It is very important that I know these facts as my husband has been driving under the influence and insists he's not because he is drinking 2 steel reserves (24 ounces each) and thinks this equivilates to the average meaning of what 2 drinks means. So, in his head he is drinking 2 regular beers.
I did some research online, and for his weight, drinking of the alcohol in a two hour time period, he is right about at .08 which is considered a DUI. And that is only what I have caught him drinking. I don't know how much he is drinking away from home. So, it is pretty safe to assume that he is driving under the influence.
I need to know how many regular beers would be in 48 ounces of steel reserve beer. In my head I want to average as about 6 beers. I'm so sleep deprived though that I don't even have the ability to average right, I am sure.
He's so very mad at me. I won't be an enabler. I refuse. Seth is an alcoholic and will never be able to just be a social drinker. I won't subject my kids to this or myself, but I have to have the facts to back me up. This way he can't keep calling me a liar. I think you all would be proud of me. He spewed so much emotional abuse at me this past day, and I was able to not take it personally. Talk about feeling empowered. And the more that I did not feed off of his abuse the more he tried to hurt me. He has to know that I won't allow him to have this kind of power over me. I can't say that it does not hurt, but I can honestly say when he started to have to fish for off the wall crap to try to throw at me to get a response it did not work. I almost found it humorous at how far out there some of his comments were. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I have to pull myself all together again and be the parent to my kids. I don't have time to fall apart and add to the suffering of my children. Thanks for listening.
From what you have posted before (about his mental disprder), he should not be drinking at all. The combination of anti-depressants and alcohol can be deadly.
GOOD FOR YOU for not enabling his sick behavior. Stand strong, and be the mother lion protecting her cubs. I hope though, for your own sake, you are getting counseling yourself, for your sanity's sake if nothing else. Writing in your blog is therapeutic, but having face to face meetings with a professional will be invaluable.
And of course, you can always come here for help. Feel free to PM me personally if you want.
There is just no doubt that I need to be in counseling. What's going on can not be taken care of any other way. Now that I am making a stand I am going to on the phone soon getting an appointment with a new doctor. I'm not pleased with my other one. He's just not very proactive and not aggressive enough. He's willing to let things go to far and then not willing to try and help fix them. So, you live and you learn, and I have become this sponge learning about bipolar.
I don't want anyone here to think I don't love my husband. I love him deeply and up unitl now it has been devestating to me. It still is devestating just not in the degree it was. The thought of not having in my life is terrifying. I know I could do it, but I sure don't like thinking about it. But this is not about me or him, it's about the kids and what is taking place in this household is not healthy and has to stop. I will leave and that looks like that is going to happen really soon. I don't know any other way for him to start caring for himself and realize that we mean something to him. I never realized how much tough love was going to involved in this. I think my thoughts were, oh we have a diagnosis for him and now he can have meds and get better. That is not the case. I was not prepared for his denial, his lack of wanting to take his meds, the abuse, the alcohol, his willingness to be just comfortable like he is. For some reason I thought a diagnosis was going to cure everything. Things just don't always go as we would like them to.
I hope I can maintain my stance. I'm so afraid that I feel strong now, but it is going to go away as fast as it came.
SWeetie, it is evident how much you love him....but you cannot sacrifice yourself or your children for him. You are definitely doing the right thing by seeking another doctor.
I believe that your strength to leave him will come from the same place that gives you strength to be a good mom. You can definitely do it!!
Tammy, I've been following your situation here and on your blog and there is something that always jumps out at me....how much more peaceful and calm and happy you say you are when he is not around. I'm not going to say anything else because whenever I read that I can't understand anything else that you do.
Tammy - I really feel for your situation. But do you really believe having those facts will convince him? Do you believe that a stronger doctor will change him. People don't change unless they want to - and from what you're saying, he doesn't want to... all you can control is your actions, and taking steps to put yourself in a healthier situation... and hence your kids. There are any number of books that you can read on the subject - Bradshaw is good (hard to read because of the way he hits home), Iyanla Vanzant and many others... and then there's alanon Good luck... this is not an easy place to be... but you do have the power to make it better for you and your kids....
I have found my strength..I know what I have to do. Sometimes the right thing is just so hard to do. Thank you for your input. I know that maybe posting here was not "appropriate", but I was desperate. I just wanted someone to reply and tell me it is ok. You can get through this. You can make your children happy, you can make wise decisions. You can be empowered and not powerless. You have so much more control over the situation than you really know. Look inside. It is there. You just have to pull it out.
By the way..the facts were mostly to pass along to his parents. I've been put in the middle of this situation with most of his family. At first, them not wanting to believe there son could ever be doing such terrible things. It's always it can't really be that bad attitude that I get from them. He tells his mom he drank two beers. He deceived her. You know, how pitiful is it when I have to base all my information on facts to get them to believe me. I know as parents this is not easy for them. I just wanted them to listen. I realize now it is not my job to try to please his parents or make them like me or for me to change who I am to fit in. I know that I have been 100% honest and as far as I am concerned I did my best.
A great deal of peace came over me tonight. It's all in my blog. I'm hurting horribly but under that hurt there is peace.
Oh, kind of funny story...I called al-anon office. I told the nice lady at the other end of the phone that I was confused. I told her my husband won't admit he has a drinking problem, is al-anon still for me? She says, sweetie, does your husbands drinking bother you. Simple answer, yes. She then says you will find a new family in the support groups. You can't even imagine my relief. The relief to finally know I had some outlets. Some tools.
Jen, love your candidness...point taken. You are right. I guess for a person that is encompassed in the situation it is so much harder to be able to make correct judgements. It sometimes takes someone out of the circle to point out very simple things for them to make sense. I have to add, I felt obligated to be in this marriage because I married him for better for for worse. I'm not basing my decision any longer on the mental illness, I am basing them on unwillingness from him to put forth one ounce of effort.
A touch, a kind word, etc...such small things that go so far. I enabled him big time to treat me the way he did. That was no help for him or me.
This is a really deep subject, and I know that some of you believe it should be a private one also. I just feel if one person reads this and is going through the same thing and can take anything from it, it made it all worth it. Feeling that you are all alone makes the mind tailspin and work in overload. But, this is life. This happens and often it is endured in silence.
Big hugs to all. I feel the love and I also feel the gentle swat of the hand telling me to pull it together and do what you really know has to be done.
*Hugs* I can't speak to the addiction/enabling part of your post, but my prayers are with you both.
Comparing alcohol content can be a real pain (5% vs. 8%). But putting that aside, if a "serving" of beer is 12 ounces, and he's drinking a 24 ounce can, at the very least that's two servings. If he's drinking two of them, that's four servings.
It's just like a liter bottle of Coke is three servings (or whatever the bottle says), and you have to compare the calories to the servings and add the servings together.
Maybe visualizing it will help. Get a regular can of beer, and then one of these Steel things. Are they the same size? If not, he's drinking more than one serving per can.
I understand about taking vows and wanting to be faithful to them. At this point though you are the only who is being faithful to the vows. Not only do they say in sickness and in health but isn't there a bit in there about promising to love and honor? There is only so much 1 person can do in a relationship by themselves, it has to be a 2 way street. I have read your blog and I hope that things work out the way you are currently planning things.
Oh Tammy, I am so glad that you made the call to Alanon. There is much help there for you. Too personal? I don't think so - I think it took a lot of courage to post that, and a lot of courage to make that call to Alanon, and a lot of courage to call the situation what it is. It's the beginning of your path to healing your hurts, empowering yourself... and taking the best of what life has to offer...
OT--Math Challenged, Help Me Please
