[GlamourGirl827]

I've been wanting to post this for awhile, for no other reason than this is the place where I can post things that I want to get off my chest. One I haven't been here as much, just busy around the holidays and I was taking a break from the computer. Sometime I get in the habit of being on here a little more than I like. The other reason I haven't posted is because 3FC has accumulate some members that post simply to be argumentative even if they don't have anything helpful to add. Not to be confused with those that make really good points even if its not in agreeance. It gets annoying sometimes (people just looking to fight), and its been the reason I haven't post it until now. But I really want to hear advice from people that are trying to help or give honest advice.

Anyway, some know that I have a cousin that has some issues, and I've distanced myself from her before, simply because she is such a mental drain. Sometimes she's annoying, and sometimes I feel bad for her. When I distanced myself a few years ago, I did it for a few years and she did approach me (not in a mean way, but very nice) and wondered why we weren't so close.

Its hard because I can't tell if she realizes she has problems?? She has basically no friends, but always has reasons why its them, not her. She's not a mean person. She's the kind of person that lies about odd things, or says she'll meet you for an afternoon out then never shows. She also is strangely obsessed with her appearance, and how pretty she is, and very critical of other women's appearance, but at the same time her life is in shambles...Its very off putting, and were she not family I'd have walked years ago. She is always imagining everyone is hitting on her, teachers, friends (when she has them, both the male and female ones) spouses and significant others of those friends, coworkers when she has had a job. She talks how people always hate her, but yet they are all jealous of her beauty. She is over weight, and definitely deals with some kind of ED, and for me that's trigging at times, though I've gotten better at not being triggered (to go back to my ED ways) by her. She imagine slights where there are none, I wouldn't say paranoid, but pretty close.

As you can see, she's in a bad place. She's also married but separated, and has 3 small kids. She has had multiple affairs throughout her dating and married life. I know she must have a lot of struggles. But good lord she is a drain to be around. I am the only person that has not walked away from her for good.

Well after about a year of allowing us to be in closer contact after she talked to me, I need a break. I am trying to distance myself, but its hard to do without it being obvious. I can't tell her the truth. I think it would crush her AND I don't doubt she would run her mouth to our family. In a way I don't really care, but a lot of my family has never been close enough to her to learn here deeper thoughts (where everyone hates her, but wants her sexually, and is jealous, and all the horrible things she has said about various family members). On the surface, she seems quite and nice, but underneath she is a vicious toxic person.

I've just been ignoring her the past few days for my own sanity, not responding to contact...but this cannot go on. The hardest part is we talk over facebook and I know she can see I am on there thanks to the stupid stalker ticker on the side. I have plenty of other people I keep in touch with over facebook, including friends that we use fb to make plans, former coworkers and girls from my running club (especially that I am not fast enough right now to run with them, this is the only way I talk to them) I am not going to abandon my friends so she doesn't think its her. I plan on going about my business, because where I draw the line is changing my life to accommodate her needs.

I'm typically a direct person but in this case I know being direct with her will accomplish nothing. Friends of hers have been in the past and she thinks they are mad because she is prettier than them. Seriously. Plus she's in so deep with her issues, I'm not going to say anything that will heal her. So I don't feel like wasting my breath.

I feel like the right thing to do is to distance myself, even if that comes across as ignoring. Honestly if I don't bake away now, I'm getting pretty close to saying something to her which won't be helpful or nice. And my guess is she won't approach me right away, unless its really obvious I'm giving her the cold shoulder. And if she does, just give her one of those lies that are obviously lies like "I've been busy"...

I feel like I'm jumping ship and that's exactly what I'm doing Anyone ever been in this situation with family?

[Skinnygirldreams]

I haven't been in that position with any of my family members so I have no advice. However, I'm sorry for both you and your cousin that it has to be the way it is. It's a rough spot to be put in. Good luck.

[sunarie]

Personally speaking, I am quick to distance people who are continually a negative influence on me, even after speaking. Them being family doesn't really have any effect on my decision to do so. Reason for me is that I've suffered from depression since I was around 15. I simply cannot afford to have people around me that are constantly bringing me down and adding stress to a pre-existing condition. The way my therapist words it is that I have to "teach" people how to handle me/respect me.. and I think the same is true for everyone else. This has meant I've gone through periods in my life where I didn't talk to my own parents for long periods of time, but overall it has improved my relationship with my parents because that not talking made them realize I was serious about the boundaries I was setting. I, and many of my siblings, actually keep our distance from our grandmother, only really talking during holidays, because she never has anything nice to say.. and you just know she talks behind your back whenever you aren't present.

Relationships take two people, even if your cousin has some sort of a mental health issue it's not up to you to shoulder the burden of that entirely. She would have to be willing to seek out help, and from what you've described, she simply isn't willing to even listen.

Bottom line, in my opinion there's nothing wrong with distancing yourself from anyone, including a relative, if the relationship gets to a point where it's always just draining you. You have your mental health to think about, and sometimes that has to take priority otherwise you'll end up in a not so good place.

Edit - I would probably at least mention the problems you're having specifically with her and how she does things. So that the boundaries she is crossing is clear, and she knows what behavior it is that isn't acceptable. That way if she chooses she can improve on that and hopefully things will get better in the future.

[Palestrina]

Life is too short, you have the right to your own sanity and if she's bringing this much negative energy into your life then you can and should limit the time you spend with her. You don't have to have a big confrontation with her, it's better in the longrun if you politely decline invitations and keep your interactions with her short and minimal. Even if she does confront you I would still be cordial and say "I'm sorry, it's just really busy and my kids need almost all my free time, I hope you understand." Yeah maybe she'll run off and tell people that you're avoiding her because you're jealous of her but who cares? If she's as you describe then everyone knows she's just blowing smoke, the facade is all for her sake anyway to make herself feel better. Don't let it bother you.

Regarding fb, there are some privacy features that I use specifically with people I can't defriend yet don't want much interaction with. You can "unfollow" people by going to their profile and clicking unfollow. You'll still be friends but you won't see all their posts. You can also customize the privacy settings of everything you post - just click on the privacy button before you post and there is an option to list people who you do not want to see your posts.

[novangel]

Uh yeah I have noticed some people here can be quite rude, my fault is that I need to learn to just ignore but sometimes it's impossible for me to not say anything. I'm guilty of derailing at times. I'll work on that.

As far as distancing yourself from a family member my cut off rules apply the same as it does for someone that isn't blood. If they are emotional vampires you need not explain, just cut them loose. Sure you feel bad (you are human) but like the saying goes: If your presence doesn't add any value to my life, then your absence won't make any difference either. I have that on a magnet on my fridge.

I would just contact less and less until eventually she finds someone else to drain...which she will. People like her need to vent constantly and if she isn't getting your ear to bend she will find another.

Maybe after some time away from her you can reevaluate and see if you still want her in your life. I did that with a friend that was about killing me with her relationship drama. After almost a year and a half break I reached out to her and we started talking again. Sure enough she's starting to unload her relationship problems on me again so I keep our conversations few and far. It's sad because we used to be so close but she's too one-sided now. I don't mind listening to people's problems but if that's ALL she can talk about it becomes very repetitive, draining, and even depressing. So..that's that. I will always be there for her but I keep a distance.

Do what's best for you.

[Tai]

Definitely a tough spot to be in. I like the suggestion that someone else gave to just say you are very busy with your kids. Since you're expecting a new little one as well, she should understand that.

I think this is the kindest approach. You get to set some boundaries but it also keeps the door open in case she ever changes and you want to resume contact.

Are your children close to hers? Would they miss their little cousins at all?

[AM02135]

Ugh. I am sorry you are going through that. It is always much harder when the person involved is family. I think you need to decide what effect she is having on you. Family or not, you need to consider your own mental health and what is best for you and your immediate family. Cutting someone out of your life is not easy, but it can definitely be worth it in the long run.

My only advice is whatever you end up doing, make sure that you can live with any potential fall out and that you are doing what is best for you.

Good luck with whatever you choose!

[GlamourGirl827]

Thank you all for replying. Yes, I agree that if there is any confrontation I will just keep it civil and vague unless poked and prodded excessively, which is highly unlikely given her personality. She actually doesn't like confrontation, all the awful things she says are never actually to the people she's talking about.

Novangel, similarly I thought after several years apart maybe she had changed or worked through some of her issues. But after so time she began with the same old song and dance and I have realized literally nothing has changed! Same old drama and she just needs someone to constantly dump it on. I haven't contacted her in like 4 days, when did I post this post? Anyway she contacted me once through facebook (and I didn't respond) and I've heard nothing since. I expect a good week or two even before she asks me or contacts me via text. I plan to just tell her I've been busy/not feeling well, which is true! I've been sick and that on top of pregnancy has left me pretty drained.

I can honestly say I get nothing positive from our relationship.

Tai, our kids are not close. That is an entirely different issue. They are not close because I don't like my kids around hers, so we only see them at family gatherings. I have never told her that, I just avoid getting together when her kids are home (the 2 older ones are in school).