Feelings off my chest cause I don't know where else to put them.
What do you do when you're alone and you crave intimacy?
Because, well, the bulk of the emotional slump from the last relationship is gone, and well... for a lack of a better way to put this, my libido has officially returned, lol. But the thing is I'm still not ready to be involved with another guy. I've grown kind of numb to it -- I've only felt real feelings towards 2 guys, and one used those feelings to his advantage and had me wrapped around his finger for nearly 3 years (that ended right before the last one), and well, you all know what happened with the last one. But I don't really want sex; although my libido has returned and I am able to get turned on again, I don't want sex. If nothing else, at this point, I just crave physical contact and intimacy. You can't get that in a friendship and you can't get that from a family member; that is only something you get out of a romantic or sexual relationship. And I have neither.
It's really confusing. Guys have been trying to talk to me here lately, and I've been talking back but anymore I just end up feeling guilty because I'm so scared to get involved with anyone else. I'm just going to end up getting hurt like I have so many times before, and I just don't feel like wasting time and energy on people when I know in reality they don't really give a damn about me. But yet, I crave touch and warmth and the sense of relaxation you get when you're cuddled up to someone close. I wish I knew how to give that to myself because I really don't think I'll be getting it from anyone else anytime soon.
Sigh, you know aside from this, I get really tired of these emotional roller-coasters and I would really love to know what it's like to just be happy. I mean I am happy, I got a lot of stuff going for me right now and my life couldn't be better, but there's always something like this nagging at me in the back of my head. I don't know, maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it. I guess there are worse things in life than being lonely. *shrug*
In all seriousness though, you are right when you say you're not ready for a relationship, and I totally understand the desire for cuddles - cuddles are awesome. I think what's best for you is to unfortunately just "deal" with your desires for now until you are mentally in a place where you can value yourself enough to make sound judgements about your love life, ie: not taking a guy's crap because you feel like you have to cater to his every whim like with the last one. You'll find a guy who'll love you and treat you right, it just takes time and a lot of trial and error.
I really think I need to see somebody because I get depressed and lonely about this stuff, but then I know that I don't know if I could even handle being intimate with anyone right now, physically or emotionally. I can get through my days fine, but every night I'm just in a foul mood because I'm alone and don't have anybody to give me comfort at night. I get tired of faking being fine.
Lol, I actually do have both of those. That's why I said I think I need to see someone -- because it's gotten to the point where those things don't even help anymore. The cat helps temporarily, but the other... well, uh, the whole purpose of that is rendered useless when you can't achieve the goal it's meant to achieve. =/
I'm sorry, John. I really don't mean to knock what you say, but a genuine question is what is a good place/thing to volunteer for for post-grads? I'm in that awkward bracket of "young adult" and I don't know where to look for the other "young adults" that are in my same situation; would a college or university have programs for someone like me?
I'd recommend applying to dozens of full-time jobs a day and constantly updating/tweaking your resume. It takes 200 casts before you get one bite and a lot of the time, that bite isn't worth it.
Meet people at karaoke night. Sheeit, go to church if only for the social aspect! Help old people do stuff.
Are you sure the point of dating is sex? I thought it was for bonding and taking care of someone else a little. Sex, as we both know, can come from random strangers, vibrators, you get it...
There are loads of places to volunteer. Have you looked at Meetup.com ? It's a social networking site where you can find people with similar interests.
Also: if your part time job has regular hours, why not look for a 2nd job? Especially since it sounds like, from your other threads, that you want to be making more money?
You can volunteer with all kinds of organizations.
You say you have a cat, so I'll assume you're an animal lover. Animal shelters often need volunteers to socialize/cuddle with the cats, walk the dogs, clean out the animal enclosures, etc. Great way to meet other animal lovers.
You can also volunteer at food banks, soup kitchens, libraries, nursing homes or senior centers, etc. Find your local Habitat for Humanity...you don't need building experience to start, but you'll learn new skills for when you're out o your own. You can find volunteer opportunities in your area at VolunteerMatch.org, or just call around to the type of place you'd like to volunteer and ask if they need help.
In terms of finding "your people", which I agree is important but can be difficult to get started on, what do you enjoy? There are meetups for all kinds of hobbies, book clubs, etc. Maybe there is a walking/jogging group you could get involved with (often, running stores organize these, and they are usually free). Our community swimming pool had water aerobics classes for a nominal fee, and we met several folks there. Take a class at the community college or local university extension, or from the Parks and Rec department in your city if you have one. Many towns have adult pick-up sports leagues...get fit and meet people, all in one!
It's kind of a silly term, but I think it does capture what a lot of people in your age bracket feel in that tricky transition from adolescence to adulthood. You might want to check out the book. The message boards there might also be beneficial to you.
I agree with JOHN. I think that you need to broaden your scope of reference -- that is, your experience in life with "'new people" in non-sexual & non-romantic ways. Since church isn't your bag, then yes -- join some clubs and classes that have other young people in them.
You often can meet other young people in places like Pizza Shops (my niece had a job in one and loved it), bowling alleys; video archades; movie theaters; female sports clubs; art clubs; music clubs & concerts; and yes, even church youth groups (but don't join them if you hate it, as that defeats the purpose).
Does your city have any youth recreational programs? Call city hall and find out. Do you have any hobbies that you could take classes for? Would you like to try some new ones? Heck, why not? As for volunteer work: there are many possibilities, but again -- only do it if you want to, like working with your local food bank or soup kitchen; with children's programs only if you love kiddies; working volunteer at you local nursing home/senior's activity centers; working with the handicapped, etc. Again, check and see what volunteer agencies are in your town/city first. Try them out to see what you like; if you don't like one, try another and so on.
I believe everyone has a passion, and many gifts & talents to share with others -- you have to find it. I hope you can find yours real soon ...
EDIT TO ADD: gee, Amanda -- we think alike! I like the idea of volunteering with animals too.
Also, while taking a wee coffee break, something else came to mind -- do you like travelling, say back-packing & riding a bike around with a friend to see your city, county, state, and country? Since you only have a part-time job, this would be more economical for you too. Many young people find this a fun way to see the world ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 08-30-2012 at 03:39 PM.
Are you sure the point of dating is sex? I thought it was for bonding and taking care of someone else a little. Sex, as we both know, can come from random strangers, vibrators, you get it...
You are absolutely right; dating is for exactly what you said. Sex is just a plus, and it's really not what I'm looking for. I want to do what you said, but with the way countless guys have treated me, I can't really trust the opposite sex right now.
As for what everyone else said, you all are offering up great solutions. I did look into Meetup.com, and I also looked at that quarter-life crisis thing. The main thing I love aside from reading and writing and shopping (gosh I love shopping too much, lmao) is live music, of all sorts, and I love dancing. I would love to take a hip-hop class or something but I haven't been able to find any in my area that are geared towards adults/beginners. I also enjoy (and this falls under "shopping", I guess, lol) exploring downtown areas of cities with all the unique shops, bars, and restaurants, and exploring music/record stores. I'm more of an artsy-fartsy, culture-geek, let's attack the city kind of person as opposed to the outdoorsy, sporty, let's go camping type, lol.
I've actually been thinking about church a lot lately; my parents' church has a serious lack of people my age -- it's mostly school-aged kids and their parents or old people. Have any of you had experience with the Unitarian church? I think this would be the best place for me, since I don't affiliate myself with a specific faith. I actually wish there were more churches out there for "free thinkers" such as myself who seek fellowship.
I really just need to step out of my comfort zone and stop being so afraid of people. My counselor was helping me to do that, but I was informed today when I called that her services are only available to students so I don't think I'm allowed to see her anymore. So, now I get to do this on my own, and I have to find a way to break myself out of my shell. I know people do it and can do it successfully, but I really don't see how sometimes. It's really hard to break out of years and years of feeling like you aren't worth people's time. I am determined to do this by myself, and even though I'm stubborn and I know I can be frustrating to deal with sometimes, you all don't know how much you help me. I do think about what you say and it does help a lot. That's why I come here when I have moments like I had last night -- I know y'all will give me the good and bad things I need to hear, and I really, really appreciate you guys.
Okay here it goes - get a life! And I mean that in the very best way! Living and having goals you are actively working toward is the best way to defeat that lonely, purposeless feeling.
Volunteer at the library, crisis pregnancy center, humane society, big brothers and big sisters of America, etc.
Work multiple jobs (I'm still not clear why you're only working part time, this is the BEST phase in life to work two or three jobs and get ahead, before a husband or children becomes a higher time and energy obligation.)
Go back to college for an art class or sport, I can't tell you how many community folks came to my pottery class, for example. It was quite cheap, social, and very enjoyable.
Unlike the others, I recommend staying completely out of the dating pool until you're ready to settle down and look for serious marriageable material. But I only courted my husband - we both believe that if we're not in it for marriage, there is nothing but problems and drama that comes from casual dating (anything from heartbreak to stds and split rent issues). If you desire companionship, the best way to find it is with FRIENDS. Good, real ones, with whom you share interests and hobbies. Best place to find those is the aforementioned jobs, hobbies, and volunteer work.
I doubt you're going to take my advice, but it's what I'd say to any of my 22-28 year old friends who whine and moan to me about their lives and the lack of drive and purpose, but aren't ready or willing to take the next big step (all while complimenting my marriage and kids, of course - it cracks me up!). Life can be as full or empty as you make it, but it takes work and commitment and willingness to choose a direction and pursue it ruthlessly, whatever it may be
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 08-30-2012 at 06:16 PM.
Feelings off my chest cause I don't know where else to put them.
I like the idea of volunteering with animals too.
