You know, I've been noticing a few things with some friends and family lately. I haven't told any of them I'm trying to lose weight (again) partly because I am not confidant I'll succeed (I haven't succeeded with weight loss since 2008) and partly because I hate, absolutely hate, people butting into my affairs and telling me what they think I should/shouldn't eat (one cousin recommended I just not eat for a few days, then have only lettuce and tomato salads, another cousin sells Body By Vi shakes and has bugged me so much in the past to get me to buy them, I've had to threaten deleting her from FB and blocking her e-mail address unless she stopped). No one knows that I'm trying to break bad habits and get healthier. Maybe they suspect, but they don't know for certain because I've never suggested I was anything but happy with how I am now.
So then, I am wrong in thinking it's inconsiderate for people to nag me and chastise me when I have something that may not be 100% healthy but I've made allowances for it in my own head? Case in point, my parents have opened their home to yet another friend who has no where to go. This is the mother of a boy I knew when I was 5. My mom's kept in touch with her and all that. This woman had to leave her shared accommodations for whatever reason (she told us, but I forget now lol) and so all her stuff (sans furniture as she has none) is in our living room (at least 50 boxes and 20 garbage bags of stuff). She'll be here for another few weeks, we imagine.
Anyway, I went for a hike earlier this week (I've gone on 2 this week; one 4 mile hike, the other 3 miles straight up a mountain) and the next night we sat down to watch a movie and I opened a bag of Hershey's Kisses. I've been really good sticking to my eating plan, splurging only on Coke (a habit I cannot seem to break as I can find nothing else I like to drink, and I've tried -everything- it seems), eating lots of vegetables, no wheat/grains, and lean meat, while doing exercise. I have never told this woman I am trying to get healthier. I have never told her I want to lose weight. I have never made any comment toward her where she would think I was unhappy at my current size.
I ate less than half the bag of Kisses (I can never finish the bag off anyway, so this isn't out of the norm for me) and left the rest on the end table. The next day when she came home and we were tidying up, she picked up the bag and remarked "Oh my god! You ate the whole bag!?" When I said I didn't, there's over half the bag left, she goes "You shouldn't even be eating these! What are you going for a hike for if you're just going to blow those calories you burned by eating chocolate? These are things you should never eat."
Now, she said this in a joking manner, not a condescending one or a mean one. But I am wrong to still find this inconsiderate if she has no idea that I want to lose weight? Maybe I -don't- want to lose weight and I'm happy at the size I am, right? Is is inconsiderate of her to assume, based on her views, that I, being overweight, would want to lose weight?
I would never say anything like that to someone I didn't know wanted to lose weight and even if I did know they wanted to lose weight I probably still wouldn't say it. I wouldn't tell a thin person that they should eat this or that to gain some weight b/c maybe they're happy with where they are.
She's not the only one to exhibit this behavior. The reason I don't tell anyone in my extended family (or let it be known publicly on Facebook) is because the ONE time I make a comment about enjoying a treat, I get 20 comments from them chastising me for eating that, commenting about "aren't you on a diet?", or "I thought you were supposed to be losing weight, not gaining by eating like this!". Even when I don't mention wanting to lose weight, I still block them all from seeing any status about food because they STILL will comment about how I shouldn't eat this or that because I should be losing weight. They're not concerned, that side of the family couldn't really care whether I exist or not (as evidenced by last year's trip to Ontario and some of the huge faux pas they did, such as taking pictures at MY birthday party, including a picture of me holding the cake, but only uploading pictures that did not include me, taking me around to different local sites but then not uploading the large number of pictures they took of me and then admitting they deleted them all, etc.).
So, is that type of behavior inconsiderate, or am I reading too much into things and taking harmless comments too close to heart because I'm overly sensitive about people making comments about my weight?
Is it ok to comment about what someone should/shouldn't eat when you don't know whether or not they are looking to improve themselves?
Yes, I think it is inconsiderate of the family friend to say things like that to you. I'm sorry people don't think before they speak at the expense of others. I'm proud of you though for making positive changes in your life. It's time for you to speak up for yourself now because it looks like others around you are going to pick on you regardless. Make another positive change in your life and let people know in a nice calm way you aren't interested in their judgements.
I don't bother myself with what other people should or shouldn't do. I figure everyone has a right to voice their opinion (even if doing so makes them seem like a rude blankety blank).
I have the right to ignore them or to respond with my own opinions (and if that's telling them that I think they're being a blankety blank, so be it).
If I don't want their opinion, I'll tell them so, but ultimately I can't waste my time giving any thought time to opinions I don't respect.
I know that I've probably shared opinions that other people have found unwelcome. Unless you've never, ever disagreed with someone, or never, ever shared an opinion that wasn't shared by the person you're talking to, you've probably offended someone.
It's human nature to find disagreement offensive. And some subjects like weight loss (as well as sex, religion and politics) are considered rude or at least taboo, but I also think that breaking the weight loss taboos and bringing the subject into everyday conversation would be a good thing (but I also know that even that suggestion will offend some people).
I don't think it matters whether most people would consider your friend/family's comments as rude or inconsiderate. I don't think it even matters whether you consider the comments rude or inconsiderate.
If it's a topic you don't want to discuss for whatever reason, you have every right to say, "I would appreciate it if you'd keep your opinions about my weight and my eating to yourself, I do not feel the need to justify myself to you," and if they say "I was only joking," you can say "I don't find it funny and I'll ask you again to stay off this topic with me."
If they refuse, get up and leave the room whenever they make a comment you don't appreciate.
Of course there are other options too. You can call them an idiot (either out loud, or in your head), you can say "you're probably right" (and to yourself or outloud say "but I doubt it." You have all sorts of options that may or may not help the situation.
You can't count on people to always be considerate of your feelings (and they can't count on you to always be considerate of theirs). People intentionally and accidentally tick each other off in a thousand ways. You can ignore and move on, or you can confront and move on, or you can decide not to move on and you can hold resentment and anger.
The moving on part is the essential part (refusing to take offense, because you don't need the aggravation, and because you can't be offended by an opinion you have no respect for. If someone told you, you should dye your hair green, would you be hurt and offended or would you dismiss their opinion as idocy and dismiss them as a crackpot and move on...)
I know it's not always easy to just roll your eyes (literally or figuratively) and think the other person is just a moron, but with a little practice it becomes a whole lot easier, a whole lot less upsetting, and even a little fun.
I don't think you should ever comment on what other people eat.
But...
I do it AND I get it a lot too.
I'm not sure what the relationship is that you have with this lady, but perhaps she thought she was being... helpful? I doubt she meant to come off as inconsiderate, but I completely understand how frustrating it is to hear comments from others about what you're eating. I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and as hard as it is to brush off, I would. Of course, if she mentions anything like that again, I would just tell her that what you eat isn't anybody elses business.
That is a comment I would not appreciate. Generally, I don't appreciate people I'm not super close to butting into my life, and food/eating/weight is a sensitive topic for me, so anyone close to me would know to not react like a jerk.
Having said that, is it inconsiderate? I would think so, but I guess that reflects my own boundaries. I think in our culture, weight is a taboo topic and commenting on a person's weight or on their diet habits is something that we tend to suggest people should approach delicately. I think to some people, though, it doesn't seem like a delicate issue; perhaps it's not something they themselves would be bothered by and they don't have the insight or sensitivity to imagine other people may feel differently. Some poeple also grew up in cultures or environments where it was common day to comment on one's appearance, diet, weight, etc.
Weight is something that is both public and tremendously personal (for some of us). But some people seem to miss the "personal" mark and figure it's as much game for conversation as what a young adult will study in college or do with their life. Honestly, I think it comes down to tact/sensitivity, preferences, and awareness (of general cultural norms).
And for what it's worth, it sounds to me like your family also needs to back off. I gather you are an adult who is fully capable of making her own choices and learning from those choices. If your family doesn't subscribe to that realization, it may be necessary to make your boundaries clear. And you have every right to do so without feeling guilty or wrong about it. Good luck!
Thank you everyone! Kaplods, I've always loved your advice; it's always been sound and has usually served me well. I especially like the advice about rolling my eyes as I think that may help.
I'm usually not so touchy about comments directed at me, and even when I publicly let it be known I'm trying to get healthy it's only after a long while that the comments, which can get nasty, affect me. It's the assumptions that because I'm overweight I therefore must want to change and so people feel compelled to make a comment without knowing whether or not I'm trying to get healthy that bugs me.
I'm going to put some of the advice into action though and speak up for myself a bit more.
Just smile and say "Oh my! I didn't know chocolate was so bad for me. You may have saved my life." Finish it off by slowly opening another Hershey's kiss and place it in your mouth. Mwahahahaha.
I think it's rude to comment negatively on what anyone eats, overweight, "normal", or underweight. Unless a person specifically requests information or opinions on what they're eating, aside from saying "oh that looks good what is that" or "yum, can I have the recipe", I think it's in poor taste (no pun intended) to say anything about what someone is eating.
In regards to facebook though, it's a free for all on there! If it were me I'd avoid making any comments or statuses about food or diets if people's replies irritate you!
Yeah it's completely lame. It's amazing how people (not just family) feel they have to share their opinions about what you are or are not doing wrong even if you don't ask for them.
Pretty soon you'll be hearing, "you're too skinny!"
It's going to continue to happen I would imagine unless you say something, and even then it may still happen.
It's up to you. You can either say nothing and take it, or let them know politely what you think.
Just smile and say "Oh my! I didn't know chocolate was so bad for me. You may have saved my life." Finish it off by slowly opening another Hershey's kiss and place it in your mouth. Mwahahahaha.
Good thing I didn't have a drink in my hand cuz I'd have spit it on the monitor!
As for OP- I have had a few of these people. I echo Kaplod's post.
It's very very inconsiderate and it's part of the reason I developed issues with food in the first place. Growing up overweight meant every relative tried to scrutinize every piece of food that went into my mouth. I was doing this wrong...I was doing that wrong... :s
I have to admit that it's very...satisfying? I'm not sure WHAT to call the feeling, but nobody certainly scrutinizes my food anymore--not in the way they used to. Now they watch what I eat and try to pick my brain. When you lose the weight you don't really escape from it.
Of course I've never forgotten the relatives who gave me food issues. Now when they ask: "What do you eat?" I smirk and say: "food!" and run off before they can ask me anything further.
Inconsiderate?
I'm sorry people don't think before they speak at the expense of others. I'm proud of you though for making positive changes in your life. It's time for you to speak up for yourself now because it looks like others around you are going to pick on you regardless. Make another positive change in your life and let people know in a nice calm way you aren't interested in their judgements.
Good thing I didn't have a drink in my hand cuz I'd have spit it on the monitor! 
