I asked my mom for the recipe for her potato soup so I could do a more accurate count of the calories in it the other day. So last night she asks me how much the damage was. I told her 235 calories per bowl and she was like Oh well thats not bad at all. She started jibing about my weight then. I asked if she could leave out the half stick of butter next time, because that in itsself would save 50 calories per bowl. She flat out refused. She claims that is what makes the soup.
She went on to inform me that if I wasn't such a glut and ate 2 bowls of soup I would not have to worry about it. And that she stays at the same weight ( she would tecnically be in the obese range granted I am in the morbidly obese range) and has for years and she eats it. That I have no will power and that I will never lose weight. I told her that I had lost weight and how much and she was like Uh Huh and how much have you gained back. She was smirking and laughing off and on by that point.
I already know that I have a tendancy towards emotional eating. I gained 100lbs while in a relationship in the past because of this behavior and being introduced to southern cooking certainly did not help either ( I had never fried anything before then!! ) The basic I feel empty inside I need to fill it with something mentality. I realized this many ears ago. I have worked hard to curb it. When she does things like that I want to go to the fridge and grab something and stuff myself. I didn't but I feel empty and numb after emotional tiffs like that. The worse the fight the more I feel it.
Right now I live with my mom which she constantly gives negativity expecially if I do something that she doesn't like. For example when my daughter was a baby ( under a year ) she used to pretend to kneed my belly and say kneeding the dough finally my daughter started patting and kneeding my belly. If I got upset and cried she would say I was unstable and needed mental help and maybe I should go to a psyciatrist. She also will come and "talk" ( It has been ingrained into me since I was a child that you stop what you are doing and look at the person talking to you and if i do not she gets in a tissy) when I am doing anything she doesn't like ( being on the computer, talking on the phone which I normally get dirty looks for that, or doing P90X she informed me that it would make me bulky from muscle building before she started coming to talk and making comments) Although she does not see that she is being negative. I have had to have talks with her about being negative towards me and I have had small wins and losses she no longer kneeds my belly but now supposedly I am not allowed on her bed because I will break it and there is not enough room ( we used to all get together and watch a movie in her room from time to time). There are other issues other then this but they are not as weight oriented as this. Yes, I know the easiest thing to do would be to just move out, however financhially I can not do that. If it was just me and not my daughter as well I would have never even be living in this house. Sometimes I feel like I am darned if I do darned if I don't. Needed to vent a little.
Oh boy, qt, you do have your hands full. I had the same type of issues, to a certain degree with my mother & I know how frustrating and destructive it can be. Unfortunately, talking it out with her probably will only help to a point, so you still have to remove yourself from the situation somehow. Even if you can't afford to move out now, you should probably (if you haven't already) start to plan for it. Also, you could try shopping and preparing your own meals. I hope this helps.
That is not just negativity, but emotional abuse. Btdt with my mom. Honestly, you need to not worry about her and worry a out your response to her. She is not going to change. You can change.
I know for me that healing my mommy wounds are what made it possible to start taking care of myself. And many, many of us here have demons we are fighting or have fought. I really do feel a person does not get morbidly obese unless there are other issues there and you need to battle those too.
The best way to prove your mom wrong is to succeed.
Oh, hunny... That's just mean and cruel...my brother used to poke fun at me like that until my husband and parents ganged up on him (they all started yelling at him, with me standing in the background crying. ), then he never made another comment.
Y'know, its comments like this that gave me an eating disorder in the first place.
Your mom's the one who needs mental help, IMHO. You can come watch movies with me on my bed, there's plenty of room.
I am so sorry. I have a daughter and I see my job as a parent as lifting her up, not putting her down.
What is your plan for getting out? You're not the only one at risk here. Your own daughter is learning one of two things - this is how you treat people OR this is how you let people treat you. You need a plan.
Sometimes I feel like I am the problem... I know its both me and my mom because I am sure I push her buttons as well.
marigrace~ Me making my own meals would make her angry... there is a fine line I have always had to walk with her and I think I will have to tromple it *LOL*
Like for instance I brought up changing my daughter over to 2 % milk over 6 months ago(because my mom pushes the milk to her). Although I have told her time and time again she only needs a cup of milk a day to be healthy. My daughter drinks 2 gallons of whole milk a week by herself!! Mom made the comment yesterday as well that she is getting chunky and we should think about changing her to 2 % milk DOLP!! My daughter isn't chunky yet but she has a belly right now and I am thinking its about time for her to shoot up again. She is in the 99th percentile for height and 98th percentile in weight.
berryblondeboys~ I work hard on my reactions. Externally I do not show much I wait til later to have melt downs, because if I do infront of my mom I get your crazy and if I do infront of my daughter I feel really bad because she wants to know why I am crying and sometimes starts crying too because she feels bad. It is the internal reaction I need to correct the feeling empty needs to be filled with something other than food.
I was 265 when I left in my very early 20's ( I had had mono when I was 19 and lost 35 lbs and was still recovering ). I got into a relationship that was good in the begining, but then went sour. I also learned about southern cooking and frying. Totally different then what I grew up on. He was an alchoholic and well had eyes only for the bottle. I got pretty depressed and cronic fatigue hit hard. I had inlaws who said it was my weight and me that was the issue. My FIL actually said he would help me get surgery. I flat out refused and explained exactly why because of the health issues it causes. They thought be being fat was worse then those issues. At the end I was getting blamed for us not having kids because of course it was not him he was "prooven" because he had kids. I would go by McD's and get a super size fry or hashbrowns or go get a little cheesecake and eat it all in one sitting til I was sick to my stomach and hide it.( I do not do anything to that extreme anymore. )I woke up one morning and thought what am I doing and moved on.
Right now I am still reacting to my mom having my daughter call her mom. She started this when my daughter was a baby. I told her back then I did not like it and when I got so upset about it I broke into tears again I was the crazy one and there was no reason for me to be upset. I am called mommy sometimes my mom calls me grandmother to my daughter. My daughter sat down and argued with me that mom was mom not her grandmother. My mom also started her sleeping in her bed at night and what not and now my daughter sometimes shuns be and wants her not me. That seriously hurts. And my mom can not understand why. When I feel like she is trying to purposefully take my daughter away from me and make me the bad guy.
Arty~ Thank you *hugs* I don't know what goes through her head at times, but I know she really thinks she isn't hurting at all.
98DaysOfSummer~ I know she is at risk as well... I am very anti social because of my upbringing. I was not allowed to have friends over or go over to friends houses. I had "friends" at school, but was watched even there and before the end of the school day if I did anything out of place my mom knew about it. I feel like I have to hide things to be normal, because my family never shares anything and I mean anything ( when I was away my mom failed to tell me that my grandfather had had heart surgery and lost a lot of weight and changed diabetic medicine because he had blacked out while driving luckily in the drive way so nothing and no one was hurt.. because it would upset me she claimed) I have always felt like I was the black sheep of the family. Not that I have done anything wrong, but I feel as if they look down at me and do not want me around. I do not want my daughter to be like that and feel like if she steps out of place the world is going to crumble down on her. I am working on saving money. I am also trying to pay off student loans so that when I do move out I either will be far ahead so I can pay less or quickly pay them off. I also have a 12 year old vehicle( which has been mine for 11 years ) which will have to be replaced soon which means I am saving for that as well and will end up with a monthly payment. I also would have to have an emergency fund in place ahead of time, because I know how my luck runs *LOL* and the fact that I do not believe in credit cards ( just to much temptation to spend more then what I have to spend).
When I first started my job I was doing very well at saving, but now I paying for groceries for the house. I set a $150 limit every 2 weeks for everything (paper goods and food) which my mom complains is not enough. I was living pay check to paycheck for awhile because my mom kept asking for more and more stuff ( and never let her go shoping with you OMG worse still ). I hate watching stuff rot in the fridge and get freezer burned in the freezer and go bad in the pantry. I watch it all the time, but if I don't she complains and of course I feel bad since this is the only thing I pay for for the house yet she will not let me just contribute to those. It is a vicious cycle. I have even offered to give her 150 every 2 weeks to go to the grocery store and she will not. Which up until 2 months ago we were only eating stoffers or some other frozen family dinner. Mom claimed she did not like the smell of cooking food in the house. She gets off work before I do and when I get home its almost time for my daughter to eat at 6.
I was told by a male friend that I should not be living with my mom ( because she is controlling ) that there are programs out there to help women with kids. As if you just blink and vwalah they hand you a load of money and everythings fixed. *rme* It is harder then that and I do not think he realized that. Not to mention I do not feel right living off the state or anything. I have a decient job that pays better then most around here. However I also have no credit cards so I can not charge it. I looked into a Habitat House. They have a community of them around here. However after I was there and realized they basically take over your life I will not do it (I am not talking about the sweat equity, but the other programs they talked about and how close they were to the people who lived there.). If I was going to buy a house I will buy my own house and not have to let someone in my home and play "grandparent" to my kids like they do the people there. I am sure that there are other Habitat House programs in other areas that are nice and maybe it was just my take coming from my background and because they were so zelious. I know it made me feel uncomfortable and set off warning bells in my head.
Maybe start with something small, the soup for instance. This is one place you CAN control something she can't.
Try eating a half a bowl and refusing to have anymore. Just tell her you don't want anymore and that's the end of it. No fighting about it, just walk out of the room if she persists. She can't force the soup down your throat.
Just a small victory there and beginning to slowly repeat them might just help you grow the strength you need with the other aspects of your life where other people feel the need to control you.
To be honest, it sounds like you've got bigger problems than weight loss. Get out of that house (no matter the cost - how much is your happiness worth to you?) and get yourself into therapy! No excuses, take the control of your situation, and get yourself well and happy. You're weight is most likely a manifestation of this toxic arrangement. Best wished & hugs!
I was told by a male friend that I should not be living with my mom ( because she is controlling ) that there are programs out there to help women with kids. As if you just blink and vwalah they hand you a load of money and everythings fixed. *rme* It is harder then that and I do not think he realized that. Not to mention I do not feel right living off the state or anything. I have a decient job that pays better then most around here. However I also have no credit cards so I can not charge it. I looked into a Habitat House. They have a community of them around here. However after I was there and realized they basically take over your life I will not do it (I am not talking about the sweat equity, but the other programs they talked about and how close they were to the people who lived there.). If I was going to buy a house I will buy my own house and not have to let someone in my home and play "grandparent" to my kids like they do the people there. I am sure that there are other Habitat House programs in other areas that are nice and maybe it was just my take coming from my background and because they were so zelious. I know it made me feel uncomfortable and set off warning bells in my head.
It is better to take government assistance that you have paid for with your payroll taxes and will continue to pay for once you get on your feet than to continue to expose you and your daughter to a toxic environment. If you want to stay in an abusive environment alone that would be one thing but do not use pride or guilt or being above public assistance let you continue to expose your daughter to an environment that teaches her it is ok to be treated like that. Dont feel right about THAT.
You making your own meals would make her angry? She has your daughter call her mom? The amount of control you let her have over you is scary.
You need to take control. Make a plan to get out. Make a plan to take back control if you stay.
You are the victim of domestic violence. The person you live with (mother) is abusing you mentally and emotionally. It also sound like you mother is trying to take your role in raising your daughter and repeating how you were raised. Did you enjoy your childhood enough to want it for your child? If not get out. There are shelters for victims of domestic voilence. Call a help line and see what you would have to do to get into a shelter. They have people there that can get you into an apartment and on with your life. It isn't based on your income nor is it a handout, it is a way to help you get on your feet and also a way of saving your daughter's life. The only way of not repeating the abuse in your daughter is to geet away now.
You need to get out of that house. That needs to be your priority right now...nothing else can be resolved until you move out.
You talk about buying a house...can you rent an apartment or something? There are also a lot of great resources for single mothers. Go to a WIC agency and look into HUD housing.
There is NOTHING wrong with a single mother getting assistance. You have to do what you have to do for your child, and if that means "taking a handout" then that's what you have to do. There's no shame in that.
Negativity Iritates me and hurts
She was smirking and laughing off and on by that point. 
That's just mean and cruel...my brother used to poke fun at me like that until my husband and parents ganged up on him (they all started yelling at him, with me standing in the background crying. 
