Relationship success and disaster stories....let's hear them!!
I was having a conversation with a coworker about moving in with a significant other after just a couple months and how fast is TOO fast.
IMO, each relationship is different and a time frame can't really be put on something that feels right (with exceptions of course). I've seen cases where a woman will think that every man is "THE ONE". Obviously in that case, yeah, don't rush to move in together because she's probably in love with being in love and not assessing the relationship rationally.
On the other hand, A family friend met his wife while he was passing through Italy, got married after only a week and they have been together for 11ish years now and have a 10 year old son.
What are your experiences with moving in, commiting, getting married? How long before you knew it was right or conversely how long did it take to figure out you made a mistake?
I am old-fashioned; I believe you should not move in until you have a big diamond on your left hand and have set the date. And, you should preferably move into a starter home with both your names on the mortgage.
For myself, I've always believed in slow-moving relationships, and have been dead-set against living together before marriage. I don't believe in dating "on the rebound" and always took several months "off" between relationships and wouldn't date men who were less than six months out of a serious relationship, and 12 months out of a complicated relationship (for example, if marriage, engagement, children, live-in or mentally unstable partners were involved).
Then I met my husand and broke all of my own rules. Our first two months were very fast-moving on the "get to know each other" frong, but very slow-moving in terms of physical intimacy, to the point that at about the 6 week mark I asked "so are we dating or what" because we hadn't even had a good nice kiss.
Then two months after that we were living together. I was ready to get married, but my husband was convinced that he was so hard to live with that I needed to know what I was getting into (we even discussed living platonically as room mates). He's right, he is difficult to live with, but it didn't change my mind. We were married less than 10 months after moving in together.
I still think my original rules were great standards to have, but I also think breaking some of them was necessary (and some I think were mistakes. I wish I could have convinced my husband that we didn't need to live together first to "test" the relationship. I also wish that our families hadn't talked us into a bigger wedding than we needed, which prolonged the engagement/living together). I didn't like feeling that we were "playing" at marriage or that we were "living in sin" (we're both from fairly conservative religious backgrounds, and while we might not agree with everything we've been taught, we also both wanted to live the ideal).
My husband and I moved in together after knowing each other about 6 months. It just kinda fell into our laps. I had already given notice on my old apartment and my new place and roommate fell through so I was in a very tight situation.
We dated for a year a half after that then got married (nothing sentimental - JoP then back to work afterwards ). We just had our four year anniversary this month. Marriage to us is just to show everyone else we're committed fully - same last name on children's birth certificates, tax purposes, health insurance, life insurance, etc. In my mind it made no difference but legally is another story.
I think it just depends on your history (if any) in relationships and how you feel. If you're always rushing into what turns out to be bad relationships, you really might want to consider taking more time to make future decisions. However, if you're usually level-headed and rational, and this one just "feels right" then do it, but have you should always have a way to get out - separate finances, shorter leases, etc. until you see how things are going.
Having a long relationship and a marriage at an early age (which ended bady, also at an early age) has soured me on traditional ideas for relationships. I think you and only you can decide when the timing is right, for whatever the next level is. My SO and I are going on 7 years together, we have a child together (as well as my older dd from another relationship), we live together, and although he has brought it up many times I REFUSE to marry him.
My husband and I knew we were each other's true soul mate (to be gushy) within the first week. Moved in soon after that and waited a while before we got married a few months ago. Haven't questioned it for one minute, haven't looked back and wished we'd done anything differently. If someone else was telling me this, though, I'd be like REALLY? That soon? That's crazy! Sure is. But I think sometimes, just as you know someone is NOT right for you, you find that someone who IS the one.
Last edited by nationalparker; 03-28-2011 at 04:50 PM.
Reason: clarification
I think you should definitely move in before getting married. There are a lot fewer things keeping you together, so both still need to make an effort.
Moving in also destroys a lot of the romance, IMO.
I moved in with my bf and a roomate after less than a year dating. We asked roomate to move out a year later. (We meaning me.) When we started dating BF already had his own place, so I wss there 75% of the time and that really made our relationship move fast.
In hindsight it moved too fast. That was also four years ago and I still love him very much - but not without a real awareness of his flaws and what I think I'm in for. And it's not perfect.
So yeah, I don't know. It's always different. In my opinion, maybe a couple who quickly got married, quickly had a child and who are still together with one young child is not necessarily the best example. I definitely don't believe in soul mates, but i do believe in enjoying life day by day
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My husband and I were introduced at lunch by his aunt who is a friend of mine. I knew after that first lunch that I was going to marry him. We started dating and he offically moved in with me within two months. 9 months later we were married. We are in our 16th year of marriage. It has not been easy road, almost ended at 12 years of marriage but I love him dearly.
It just depends on the people involved and their stages in life. I was 25 before I was married and had been in serious relationships in the past.
Time isn't everything, but with some people it's critical. Everyone is different. You could be very compatible with your boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you both moved in together too soon that could wreck the relationship. I was dating this guy and after a month we were talking about moving in together, buthe disappeared out of nowhere. I truly believe he was on the down low anyway. He acted too secretive to me and I don't believe in keeping secrets like he did.
Sometimes, you just know and people will judge and ask WHY and say it's too soon, but I stick to my original thought that you can't put a time-line on it. I know I'm guilty of dishing out the "are you sure?" "you've only known him/her for 3 months" etc.......at the same time, I have had my experience with moving too fast.....something about pot, kettle LOL.
I told someone I was going to marry my husband the day after our first date. We moved in after knowing each other for 4 months and engaged 4 months later. It's our 17 anniversary this weekend.
I think it definitely just depends on the person..
My ex husband and I hit things off pretty quickly. We spent most of the first two months together and ended up moving in right at two months together. We decided to get married... ONLY because he was supposed to be joining the military and it's what his recruiter suggested. So were married 6 months after dating- just a JOP. A week before we were married I actually tried to leave him because I was finally seeing his explosive temper and his true self. Nonetheless, we found out we were having a baby a few weeks before our first anniversary. About 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I found out he was cheating and lying and doing all this stuff I had no idea about so we split up until our son was born and tried getting back together, only to split up for good about 6 months later.
And then...... I met my boyfriend in August of this year. It was literally love at first sight for both of us. We had BOTH just gone through basically the same thing and knew how it felt. We tried taking things very slow but we were already past the point of no return! We moved in together about 2 months after meeting :x BUT, we are still going strong 8 months later and fall more in love each day!
So...... I think moving fast with the RIGHT person can be wonderful! Moving too fast with the wrong person can be a disaster.... but the hard part is figuring out who is the good one!
I am old-fashioned; I believe you should not move in until you have a big diamond on your left hand and have set the date. And, you should preferably move into a starter home with both your names on the mortgage.
Not everyone has a goal of getting married and not everyone can get married. And beyond that, not everyone can afford to buy and sometimes it just doesn't make financial sense to buy. When my husband and I started dating, I had a mortgage but he didn't. His name still isn't on my original home although it is a rental now.
For me, I never wanted to get married and wasn't even in my mind when I first started dating my husband. My husband and I made plans to move in together at 3 months and moved in at 5 months. Then about 8 months later, we decided to get married and got married 4 months later.
Prior to my husband, I had dated guys for longer periods of time and never thought about moving in with them. It kind of just felt right with him. We have been together 6 years total now.
well when i met my husband it was with the intention of having a one night stand. but well- after umm... business was over... we talked for hours and hours and I went home that night and told my mom i was going to marry him. i was right- and so far it's been an eleven year one night stand! haha.
we got together in october 1999 and we were both still living at home with the parents and we were both pretty darn unhappy about it... so the first opportunity to get out and on our own... we took it! We were in our first apartment by June 2000, married May 2002.
I will say this- I was very young and dumb and if I had to do it over again I wouldn't have got married so young. Other than that, though- I'd say overall it's a success. We haven't always been happy and I'm sure we won't always be... but we're committed to making it work.
I look at my marriage as I look at my family. I don't always want to be around them, don't always like them, but they're my family.
My man moved in with me less than a month after meeting - and it was a royal disaster. However, several years later, we are still together. We ended up going through the new relationship bumps and the newly living together bumps at the same time. Frankly, if we DIDN'T live together, I don't think our relationship would have lasted, but because we live together, we are sort of forced to work out our issues instead of throwing up our hands and saying "I'm DONE!" It has taught me a lot about working through things, even when they aren't ideal and has given me perspective on how there is no "perfect" man, just one that cares a lot about you and will meet you half-way, even if they can be frustrating.
Relationship success and disaster stories....let's hear them!!
). We just had our four year anniversary this month. Marriage to us is just to show everyone else we're committed fully - same last name on children's birth certificates, tax purposes, health insurance, life insurance, etc. In my mind it made no difference but legally is another story.
We moved in together about 2 months after meeting :x BUT, we are still going strong 8 months later and fall more in love each day! 
