When your spouse and you have diff. sleeping schedules?
I'm really at my wits end. And we get here ALL THE TIME. My husband is a night owl. He stays up till 1 am, 2 am and then gets up at 6:30 to go to work. When he comes home, it's family time, kids time. We switch who puts the 5 year old to bed and then sometimes the rest of us watch a movie together, or he does something with our old son, 14. Then he wants to do things on the internet as he hasn't had play time all day.
I understand all that, but where is me time? It "used" to be when we went to bed. We would talk and wind down our days toghether. We've been married 17 years and it's been 14 years since we've had that.
Now, I have a choice. I can go to bed and get some sleep or stay up until he's ready for bed. I used to do the latter, but I can't function on taht kind of sleep. So, every night I go to bed before him. Every night alone after spending so much of my day alone or with kids. We never have ONE MINUTE of the day to ourselves and sex? It's been a month. and this is typical for us. WHEN we go to sleep at the same time, things sometimes happen, but how can it otherwise? I know we both have a libido, but we have no mutual schedule! Our oldest son stays up longer than me most nights now (I try to go to bed at 11 pm or latest 11:30) and I can't trust my husband to shoo our older son to bed because he's oblivious to the time or he's keeping the kid up later talking with him about math or something they both like.
How in the heck do we deal with this? I'm ready to just move to a separate room. I don't feel 'married'. I feel we're house mates and nothing more. I HATE going to bed by myself and I've told him this and we've talked about it until I'm blue in the face. he'll start to kiss my goodnight or something, but two weeks later, it's back to where it was before.
How do others deal with opposing sleep schedules in a marriage?
We've had this same problem. Sarah likes to go to bed earlier (MUCH EARLIER) than I do. So we have an arrangement:
2 days a week, we go to bed at a "compromise" time...somewhat later than when she'd normally go to bed, somewhat earlier than when I'd normally go to bed.
3 days a week, I go into the bedroom when she goes to bed, and stay for 15 min or so until she's asleep, then get back up and go back to what I was doing. I usually read during this time - a 15 min break doesn't hurt anything.
On weekends, she tends to stay up later and I tend to go to bed earlier, so it isn't an issue. And at the risk of being TMI, we're more afternoon-sex types, mostly because sleep is so darned important to her...once she's in bed at night, she's there to SLEEP.
You both may have to bend a little, but you really should work together toward a compromise instead of letting this resentment build up until you don't feel married anymore.
If we had afternoons - maybe. We have two kids AND a mother in law in the house. There really is never a minute alone between the two of us. WHEN he comes to bed when I do, then he's usually exhausted from too many late nights.
We have to find a compromise. We both love each other, but it's hard to keep things going in a relationship if there's never time together without kids and mother in laws!
Can you get a babysitter? How about pay oldest son? At least go OUT somewhere -- even to the bookstore to browse together.
Can you shower together? We shower together and always have. And post children, having carved out that 15-20 min really matters. There used to also be pillow talk time but like you, we lost that to different sleep schedules.
We do a lot of flirting over email during the day, and sometimes that's when the "date" is made. "Oooh, I'm gonna GET you at 10 PM today!"
Sometimes we try to make out in the bathroom but the kid has radar. She comes to bang on the door. We snicker and then stop kissing in the corner and let her in. It's not sex, but it's a sort of foreplay to try to sneak smoochies past the kid. (She's young and in her jealous phase and will sometimes try to push us apart. )
We do the shower thing too. I am the night owl, b/f is the early bird, but I will get up for a shower . I also go to bed with him and we talk before he goes to sleep and then I read for a bit. And couldn't the mother-in-law help with this? Take the kids out?
With the exception of the MIL, I totally get that phase of life where you're busy with the kids, work, etc. We are empty nesters, and I'm here to tell you that if you can hang on it really gets great. It's like we're on a second honeymoon
But, that doesn't help you out now, does it?
If you have to schedule sex, do it. Seriously. Do it. And be blunt with the MIL and as blunt as you can be with the kids. Call it your alone time, whatever catchy phrase you can come up with. Stick to it like glue. Schedule sex at least once a week. I mean it. I don't care if someone is in the mood or not. Every Thursday, meet at 9pm in your bedroom and have sex. Fake it till you make it if you have to. You tell everyone, that is your time alone for the next hour or two (you decide). Unless someone is bleeding (and I'm talking a gusher, okay?) no one is to disturb you.
It's just too easy to let sex and alone time fade into the background so someone has to be proactive. Tag, you're it.
This is always what we tried to do (yes, life got in the way, but more times than not it worked for us) and I think that's we're having such a good time now that it's just the two of us. We often found carving out time for 'date night' just too exhausting. Ugggh, finding a sitter, picking the sitter up, getting dressed up, finding a place we could afford, take the sitter home, blah blah blah. This was just way easier and relaxing too. Our bedroom was/is our sanctuary. Or often times a bubble bath. Especially nice if you have an attached masterbath (but not necessary). Candle light, nice bath oils, scrub each others back, sit back & relax. Watch the conversation flow, a little foreplay, & off you go
Sorry if I sound so blunt, but I think if you can get your husband to agree to one night a week I really don't think he will argue with you. It may feel forced in the beginning but eventually you will be more comfortable and seek each other out more often. I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you.
i agree w/ a new creation - and if he's not willing to spend one night a week together, then the problem is bigger than opposite schedules.
i think the key is when you bring it up and how. i would not to it right when you're about to go to bed, but at some point when you're on neutral ground. tell him you miss having that time together and that you'd like to have one night a week, at least, to lock yourselves in your room and spend time together - whether that means having a conversation, some wine, some sex, reading together- whatever!
hubby is addicted to his stupid WOW and we have a schedule for it, so i know when it's coming and what to expect. tues weds and thurs he leaves at 10:30 pm, goes to his computer room and plays his game and i read or watch tv or whatever. friday, saturday, sunday, monday are our nights together. i suppose it's easier for us when our only "kid" is his addiction and not an actual child.
TMI alert, even when my brother and I were very young, we knew that Saturday morning was Mom and Dad's alone time (and they locked their bedroom door).
It was also the one day a week we were allowed to eat breakfast in the living room and could watch cartoons. And it was usually the only day we was allowed sugared cereals for breakfast (as we got older, my brother had more freedom with cereal and sugar in general, because he was underweight and I was overweight). I could have one bowl, and he could have as many as he wanted - it really made me mad. Without the adult supervision though on Saturdays I would often eat a second bowl and my brother (if he was feeling generous) wouldn't tattle. As bad a food habit as it was, it still is one of my fonder memories of childhood.
I don't remember my brother or I having a problem with it even when we figured out, what they were probably doing. Sure we thought it was "Eww gross" but not any more "gross" than seeing them kissing in the kitchen (in fact less disgusting, because we didn't have to see it).
My younger sisters when they were toddlers had a bit of a problem with not being able to have instant & immediate access to Mom & Dad, because I remember a couple humorous (to my brother and I) incidents in which my younger sisters as toddlers would sometimes cry outside Mom & Dad's door on Saturday mornings to be let in, and my brother and I (teenagers at the time) had the job of distracting them while grandma made breakfast.
We did talk about it last night and my husband doesn't get. And I think we got to the bigger root. We don't have common interests any more. Or, better put, we probably never did, just that I was willing to do what he wanted to do.
My husband loves to play games. I only like to do a few. Then, he likes to play games online or ones I'm not good at. First was chess (he's a ranked player). Then it was bridge online. Then it was Jeopardy (he's a Jeopardy champion) and now it's our new WiiFit games. I would sit and watch and ask questions and he would be happy. THAT was our alone time. Sometimes he would suggest books I might like and I would read them, but they were never books I enjoyed much - maybe one of all of them. They're all too intellectual. He reads History books, he reads political books, he participates in political forums and trivia forums and those just aren't my thing. So, he takes it as, "you never want to do anything." Well, I don't want to always do HIS thing.
So, he rightfully asks, "Well you never ask to do anything with me." and it's true because I know there's nothing that "I" do that he likes. I like some TV shows, he makes fun of what I watch and makes belittling comments, "Why do you watch that show, it's crap." He doesn't watch TV except one show a week we watch with our older son. My books - parenting books, about autism, crafts, novels, Again, "Why do you read that stuff (light novels)?" I like to cook and bake, he has no interest. I like to do crafty things, no interest. So, then what?
But then I got to thinking of all my friends and they are very different from their spouses too. They don't "do" many things together and they seem to work it out.
And when I was trying to talk with him about it last night, he was like, "why didn't you come downstairs last night. You knew where I was. If you want to spend time with me, then come to where I am" - Yes, and sit with my mother in law and watch him do Wii Fit games. He didn't get it that THAT is not alone time. THAT is not spending time together.
I told him I just want us to have a time for us to talk. We don't have to be DOING anything together. When the weather is better, we can maybe take a walk or something and just TALK, but we usually have our little one with us, which isn't too bad, but it's still a distraction as, of course, our 5 year old wants attention too.
We haven't been alone in eons and my mother in law is a pain in the arse. She would probably watch Henry if we asked, but she would also let us know she feels 'put out' as she is also clamoring for my husband's time too - she really doesn't like spending time with the little one and take them somewhere? She won't even take herself somewhere and she's too nervous with the responsibility - "what if he runs away and I can't catch him!" Though, my 14 year old could watch him just fine.
I keep telling my husband we need to SCHEDULE a time and he rolls his eyes. And when I do watch him do one of those things, it's usually late at night he's 'doing' something and I get tired. So, at 11, I'll say, "Ok, well I'm exhausted and need to go to bed." He'll just continue on with what he's doing. Sometimes I'll ask if he'll tuck me in and he will, but it's letting me get ready and coming in 5-10 minutes later and just kissing me goodnight and then leaving again.
So, like always, I have to decide = just do what he wants and show some enthusiasm, or accept things as they are because I don't see things changing unless I can get him to agree on scheduling time. Fitness is one thing we both can do... we belong to a gym. Maybe we should schedule Saturday mornings together or something? But I can already tell you, he'll recommend that we take our oldest so he can be more active and let our youngest play in their child room. Which, is better than nothing as we'll be somewhat together and DOING something, but it still doesn't solve the alone time thing.
But then, when I DO what he likes to do, he's also more 'in the mood' and willing to come to bed earlier.
I guess I need to find something - I think fitness is the right area to look as there is really nothing else we can do together.
What time does your son get up in the morning? Growing teenagers need a lot of sleep. I'm surprised he stays up that late. How is he functioning? Is he home schooled?
I like the idea of scheduling time together, but I'd get your teenager to go to be a lot earlier. My 15 yo son goes to sleep by 9 or 9:30 on school nights unless he has to stay up to do homework and that is rare. Teenagers and toddlers both need a lot more sleep than most people think,
My son is a night owl too. All kids are so different, so saying he needs to go to sleep at 9:30 is just not going to happen. I can send him to his room at that time, but it doesn't mean he's going to fall asleep. he's like his dad in that way, a night owl.
He gets up at 6:30, goes to school and is a mostly A GT student. On weekends he does a big catch-up sleep.
My beef is that he should be in his room reading quietly or something, not doing math problems with my hsuband, or playing ping-pong. And that's where we go round and around. My husband does not buy into the whole 'need 8 hours thing' or doing things conducive to sleeping. And since he's a super intellectual, any 'proof' you find him, he'll find holes in that argument to prove that it's crap. That's just a battle I cannot win.
Schedule the time. And if he rolls his eyes, smack him, and then schedule it anyway.
This is going to sound rude. I apologize in advance. But sometimes guys are SO DENSE! Spell it out in big crass letters if you have to!
Quote:
"Look, we need regular time alone as a COUPLE. Because I can't get all physical intimate without having some emotional and mental intimate in there somewhere. I'm not a dick cushion you only take out when you want the dick cushioned, ok?
I'm a real person with people needs. Treat me like I matter and I'm still your #1! You may SAY I am, but you ACT like games, MIL, kid, whatever.... those all come before me. What's the deal? Shape up!
It may sound dorky to "schedule" some alone time with me. Fine, roll your eyes, think it is dorky. Just DO IT and be glad I'm still interested enough in you to try to schedule it!
Because once MIL dies and kids move out, you are left with me and I'm left with you. You want that to be us as lovers and friends left together still enjoying each other or some distant strangers that grew apart because we were slacker about maintaining the marriage through the child raising stage? Ok, braniac, set your brain to work on that one!"
And forget the night owl kid. He's old enough to deal with himself. Walk in and say "Ok, kid. My time with Dad. Scram!" And forget the MIL. She's also old enough to deal with herself. The 5 yr old? Ok, get that one settled to sleep first. Then get more aggressive about your alone time.
Friday night from 8-12 after little one goes down? Even if you stay home? NOBODY can be in the room with you but DH. You may not be doing anything that others can't also be around for like playing wii. But the point is not the wii game being rated G for general audiences. The point is that you made yourselves a private bubble that...guess what? STAYED PRIVATE! Nobody else but you guys! There is no general audience!
Oh, apostrophe, you went where I was too timid to go Well put!!!
Btw, berryblondeboys, my husband and I have no interests in common. None. I am a total artsy fartsy nut and he is an engineer. Do I need to say more? We connect because in addition to our love we see that we have common life goals and values. We each bring something to the table that contributes to the other person. We actually loosen each other up. Our differences have lead to a much more enjoyable life because we end up at least trying things we would have never tried left to our own devices. We do make an effort to do things we BOTH like. He has learned to enjoy a broadway show, an art museum, etc. I have learned to enjoy a car show, being out doors, and asking intelligent (??) questions about his work. Okay, enjoy might be stretching it a bit. But, my husband sees that spending time with me is foreplay. So, he sees the benefit of doing things he might ordinarily roll his eyes over. Same with me. He likes it when I try to enter his world too. We communicate with each other. We compromise. It's not all one sided. And, it shouldn't be in your case either.
The kids you can handle it seems. But that pain in the arse MIL--respect her (because everyone deserves respect), don't ask for what she can't give (what's the point?) BUT draw some firm boundaries with your husband and her. Of course she wants to spend time with her son BUT he is YOUR husband and you need to make it clear to BOTH of them that the days of you being pushed aside are OVER.
I wish you lots of luck. We never have sex before bed. We do schedule time to snuggle though. So if I go to bed earlier, he'll come to bed with me and tuck me in. We don't really watch tv but we will watch a tv show during dinner. Even if I eat before him, I'll sit with him and watch tv.
On the weekends, we may run errands together and just go out.
Again, we don't have kids or MIL but it seems like maybe you'd be able to carve out some alone time on the weekend if nothing else?
astrophe, the ironic thing is, it's my husband who loses interest if we don't spend enough time together. Not the other way around. Which makes it really frustrating for me, sexually and emotionally.
I think things will get better. I'm getting better at making demands of his time. He just has to learn to THINK of that before 10 pm and I need to keep reminding him. We're going to see a movie this weekend at a movie theater. first time in over a year!
When your spouse and you have diff. sleeping schedules?
. I also go to bed with him and we talk before he goes to sleep and then I read for a bit. And couldn't the mother-in-law help with this? Take the kids out?
