My entire life I've spent it worrying about other people above myself. I had a very rough childhood and the last few years have been chaotic to say the least. I need a friend, or two, or three. People who are going to care about who I am and what I have to say. People are going to be supportive influences in my daily life and who appreciate the support I give them. I am tired of sitting out on the sidelines like it's junior high again and I'm eating lunch in the bathroom. It's time to get involved and reach out. I need you, whoever you may be. Do you need me?
This is my story....
I am the youngest of the 3 children and I grew up in an abusive home. Both of my parents are alcoholics and my mother also has narcissistic personality syndrome and quite possibly is bipolar or suffering from borderline personality disorder. Growing up in my house was very confusing and damaging because my mother is incapable of normal love. The roles of parent and child were reversed more often than not and I was told repeatedly for my own good how unworthy of anything remotely resembling happiness I was and how unwanted I was. I am without a doubt obese because of the pain and suffering I went through and am still dealing with. I made the decision shortly before Christmas of 2010 to become estranged from my parents. My mother's manipulation and constant narcissistic behavior is exhausting and I feel like I cannot heal unless she is not in my life. To give a few examples of how she was to live with, she once sawed my sister's long hair off with a butcher knife because my sister came home late one night. The straw that broke the camel's back and made me choose what I did is because my brother was diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma last year and is still battling it (which I will touch on in a bit) my mother repeatedly made promises to help him and his wife financially as he went through his intensive chemo treatments. Then they went and sold their tent trailer and bought a new television and living room furniture instead even after she had promised that to my brother to help pay their mortgage. Then one day driving him home on a pass for a few days, she was pulled over for a tail light and caught without a license. The reason she has no license is because she lost it for a DUI and never got it back due to having to go to AA meetings. So then she used my brother's illness as her excuse to the court as to why she chose to drive without a license even though she hasn't had it for 2 years. I hate her and I hate how she makes me feel.
To top things off, my husband and I have had many problems and were separated last year for about 4 months. At the end of 2009 over Christmas and into January of 2010 we went through our second miscarriage after the first one back in the fall of 2009. After all that happened things just went downhill in every way and I ended up having enough. We had a room mate move in because we weren't sure what was going to happen although we stayed living together. We got back together a few weeks ago and then found out my husband lied to my face repeatedly for a couple of weeks while he was continuing an online affair with some woman in another country. I know it's online but the emotions were real. I don't want anyone to think my husband is an a-hole because he's the sweetest man in the world. It was just a big mess and we both had a part to play. The problem is our trust is broken and even though he has never ever ever said or made me feel like he has a problem with my weight, the fact that he wanted another woman is killing me inside. I feel disgusting. We are taking it day by day and trying to replenish our relationship but it's definitely a stress for me.
My brother is doing well though it's not over yet. He has gone through 8 rounds of chemo and is currently completing the 9th. Soon there will be preparations made for a stem cell transplant, etc. Obviously anytime dealing with cancer is a stressful time, but to top off the complexities of that situation combined with my situation about my parents it is just off the roof. I feel like we should all be on Maury or Jerry Springer.
I am on a journey to lose 168lbs, and I only have 159 more to go. I have some sort of basal cell carcinoma on my nose that I'm dealing with, as well as possible pcos but it hasn't been diagnosed. I suffer from depression, emotional eating, and a variety of addictions ranging from sex to biting my nails. I am a wreck and I need to fix myself. That is my story and I want to close the book on it and write a new one, a happier one.
I thank anyone who took the time to read this and even though it's long I really did try to keep it short. I just need some positive friends around me. I need support and I'm not ashamed anymore to ask. For far too long I've been the dumping ground for other people's problems and I honestly have so much going on in my own life and in my own head that I feel overwhelmed and lost sometimes so I just isolate myself.
First thing's first:
You are an absolutely outstanding woman.
I can relate to being in an abusive home.
I was never physically hurt, however my
father (I don't even call him my dad anymore,
I call him by his first name: Ryan)
was a serious drug abuser. He took me on
multiple drug deals, and his girlfriend and him
constantly fought. There was one time she
threw a knife at him and it nearly missed
me! My mother knew this was happening and
as much as she tried to get custody
of me, I was very young and kept telling
Children Services that Ryan wasn't doing
anything wrong. I was a daddy's girl
and I didn't want him to hate me for leaving him.
Now that I'm older I have not talked to
him in two years (I'm now 16, this happened
when I was 9). I can't help but wonder
sometimes how he's doing, though. I've
confessed this to my fiancé that I occasionally
miss him dearly and want him to be okay.
My fiancé and I have both agreed that right
now just isn't the right time to get in contact with him.
After all, if he really wanted to be in my life
he'd make more of an effort to contact ME.
As much as I wish I could show, I really
feel greatly for what you're going through.
It's so damaging to feel like you're bearing the
weight of the world on your shoulders.
You're truly magnificent and courageous for
posting this, getting things out in the open,
and sharing such a secret. I don't have much
words of wisdom, but I do have words of
support and encouragement!
Wow ThinningVegan, you are truly an amazing woman. You have been through so much, but have come out so strong. I don't have a lot to say, but I want you to know that I read your entire story and I'm glad that you're here with us.
Thank you so much! It is nice to hear positive words as opposed to someone thinking I am weird or looking for attention. So sorry to hear about your experience Ciao. We all go through life's challenges and it hopefully makes us stronger, better people.
Welcome welcome welcome.
And KUDOS to you for letting that out and lightening that load of baggage you have been carrying. Its a great start and one I hope you continue.
You've found a place FULL of supportive, smart, brave, encouraging people and I know no one of us will know 'exactly' what you have been threw, but you'll come to see really quickly that there are a lot of people with similar experiences you can lean on here
Good luck TV- I'm sorry you went through so much but I agree it's best to cut your parents out of your life. I cut my father out of my life over 5 years ago- best decision I ever made. He was abusive and always made me feel I wasn't good enough and that hurt a lot.
I'm sorry to hear about your brother and wish you the best. If you have PCOS I suggest trying to cut your carbs down- if you are vegan I'd look into a PCOS and vegan diet. I've got PCOS and my main diet is lean protein and veggies. The rest is a very limited amount of complex carbs and very limited fruit as well. It's the only thing that has worked for me.
ThinningVegan: I am so sorry that you have so much to deal with in your life. I don't have any specific advice, except that maybe you could find one thing in your life to be your center. Something like pilates, hiking, stained glass, etc. If you have one activity that you enjoy and you can always turn to for stress relief, maybe that will help a bit.
Hugs and best wishes from a fellow vegan!!!
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" - Helen Keller
But try to build community locally too, ok? Not just online? Whether it's through a garden club or volunteering at a food bank or belonging to a church. Whatever it is that is your style and matches your interests.
Because when facing problems like these, you are going to need local support. Someone to call for a ride if your car breaks, someone to help make a meal when you are sick.
As much of a help as online chat can be, it's nothing like having real IRL friends.
I've had to cut out certain family members (& friends) too. Getting rid of those toxic people was the best choice I ever made. I have major depression and possibly PCOS too. I'm just now getting the help I need for my depression. This is a great community, and I've found so many friends that are so caring on here. If you like, you can add me on FB. I'd love to be friends!!
Wow. Just...wow. A few sentences in and I thought, "did I write this?"
ha.
My mom is on psych meds from her gp but she refuses to see a shrink cuz that would make her 'crazy.' ...sorry mom, yer already there.
She is most likely borderline, my therapist actually asked me once if she had been diagnosed with it.
She's so manipulative and evil and totally incapable of love in any normal way. It's always cutting and suicide threats while I'm in another state and can do nothing but worry.
We would fight when I was litlte, like 9 or so, my step dad came home from work at like 1-2 or so, she would tell him to go teach me a lesson, he'd flip the light switch when I was sleeping and just start wailing on my head. It hurt to lay on the pillow after, to brush my hair in the morning. I'd go down to the kitchen and my bowl of cereal was out. (just something she did to be 'nice') so I would see it from the hall and think oh good she's not mad anymore.
Then I would sit down to eat and written on the napkin it would say "wheeling orphanage" wiht a phone number or sometimes it would say, "Fox run hospital" (local mental hospital down there.)
This year has been awful with her, and I too cut her out of my life right before xmas 2010. I used to try and cut my fam out, out of anger. I'd always go back, if not years later. But now it's not even anger. It's just...exhaustion.
Like you, it's time for me to figure out how to have a happy fabulous life. I can't have that with my fam in it.
My high weight was near yours at 299 and my goal is 150. I'm also vegan, if you have aim my sn is in my profile on here.
Feel free to contact me on there. I know you don't have private message contact yet cuz yer new. But we should talk. We seem to have a lot in common.
Not just the bad stuff either I read your profile. heh.
I understand having to cut family members out of your life. My sister and I no longer talk to my dad although it took me a lot longer (by like 10 years ) than her.
Just remember, though they are family, you don't OWE them anything. They haven't treated you with the respect you deserve, therefore, they don't get any back. It's hard (really hard!!) but just don't get involved with your mother anymore. If she wants to contact you to reconcile someday I'd say a lot of therapy would be in order together to ensure her behavior was in check.
And on the topic of therapy, I would recommend it for your marriage post miscarriage. If you can't do therapy look for a support group in your area. It's a huge emotional event to have to deal with and unfortunately many couple's relationships are shaky afterwards. This would be a good time to find out why your husband was involved in what's called an emotional affair in a non-confrontional manner; he might be more willing to open up in that environment.
I hope everything starts to improve for the better. In the mean time, take care of yourself and it's easier to deal with the stress and heartache that you're currently going through.
Coondocks - Thank you very much and wow congrats on your weight loss so far!! That's amazing.
beerab -Good for you for cuting him out of your life then. No one deserves abuse! Congrats on your weight loss so far!
JayZeeJay - I definitely have lots of hobbies and passions in my life. I completely agree with you about them being stress relief for sure. Yay fellow vegan!
astrophe - Of course I reach out off the internet. I have an extremely supportive and loving husband, sister, and friends. However I work from home and as such am online a LOT. So it just makes more sense for me to have a lot of support there as well.
Shopaholic1204 - I agree getting rid of toxic people is very important. I'm glad to hear you are getting help for your depression. I would love to add you on FB
lottie63 - I will definitely add you on aim, thank you. We do have a lot in common! I'm sorry to hear about your mom and your experiences. Good for you for making the choice to take steps to heal yourself and congrats on your weight loss so far! Oh and I am definitely in the 100+lbs group thanks!
XLMuffnTop - Sorry to hear about you cutting your dad out. I know it's tough. I completely agree just because they are family does not mean we owe them. Thanks for the well wishes and we definitely have talked about marriage counselling but it's so damn expensive!
we are all here for you, and i do hope you find solace here. i got the impression that you're really ready to take control, and that's really empowering. getting rid of the toxicity (spelling?) is the first step.
i hope that you look in the mirror everyday and see a beautiful, strong, courageous woman who KNOWS she can get through anything. cause that's what we all see also, keep reminding yourself that you deserve respect, happiness, and all the good stuff life has to offer.
sometimes we have to take things not one day at a time, but one hour at a time.
Shopaholic1204 - I agree getting rid of toxic people is very important. I'm glad to hear you are getting help for your depression. I would love to add you on FB
I Need You
I read your profile. heh.
) than her.
