It's nearly 6:00 AM for me, and I'm wide awake agonizing over this that and the other. I know this is an unusual sort of hello, but this first post of mine is one I've had in mind for about two weeks now. I stumbled across this web-forum after typing in a few questions on the net that I hoped others had asked before me.
The answers brought me here.
I'm fairly shy when it comes to my struggles and troubles, however reading through the threads here inspires me to be a little more open. I'm overweight and in the process of trying to lose. I'm 26 years old -- and I've been stuck in a rut for an easy 10 years. I don't understand what happened, or when it happened - but time passed me by. I put on weight in high school after being harassed by some guys. I had a very scary encounter with two football players... They got physically pushy and attacked me - I wasn't raped but it was close enough. I speak candidly about it, because I'm comfortable speaking about it with women. The impact that night had on me as a whole, was not good at all. I found out years later through my doctor that I suffer from PTSD -- joy to the frickin' world!
Since that happened, I find myself terrified and uncomfortable around most men. I was always told that I was beautiful - and I have always attracted unwanted attention from men. I'm a modest dresser - I don't show anything I shouldn't and I certainly don't flaunt my body. Some how though, it always happens. Boys, boys, boys -- lots of them are drawn to me. Lots have crossed the line, and lots have physically disrespected me. In 2005 I started to voice my past experience with pending/potential boyfriends. Most of them gave me sad pitiful looks. Others agreed that they would never hurt me - and yadda yadda yadda ... Only a week later they are trying like **** to get me to sleep with them.
I'm not like that. For one, I'm scared -- yes scared! My girlfriends in real life don't seem to understand or respect the fear that I have when it comes to guys. My weight gain was my cover and my protection. Once I gained a lot, the guys backed off and I was free of worries. I wasn't being hit on left and right. I wasn't being eyed and oogled.
Eventually though ... I started to work out. I got back in to dancing, and I started to lose again. Well guess what? The boys came back. I've been experiencing fluctuations in my weight since 2008. Sadly for me, I'm presently in the 200 or so category. But that isn't what has me freaking out. I have faith that I can lose it. I have my good days and my bad days.
My major issue right now is a man. Blah. Back in August, I had everything set in stone. My plan was made. Everything was going to be perfect. September 1st would mark the beginning of my new exercise program and it would be the start of a brand new me. I had decided to get fit - get tone and get healthy for me. I was also feeling pretty lonely. All of my girlfriends are married with children, or dating. My siblings have children and are dating and I was just the oldest child sitting around feeling like an over weight waste of space bum.
"I'll never find a man. I'll never have love. I'm fat. I'm ugly."
So, yeah -- I decide; "I'm going to turn my life around. Love me for me and then worry about a relationship."
Well, pardon my French but (FML). This guy drops out of the sky and waltzes right on in to my life. Everyone feels that he's perfect for me for one reason or another, but I am terrified of him. Because of my anxiety and PTSD I'm not able to just go with the flow and let things slide. I haven't kissed a man sober in years and years. (I know that might sound bad, but I'm just saying I have occasionally resorted to the aid of alcohol to relax.) I don't want to have to be tipsy when it comes to this guy. I've shared some of my story with him -- but I really don't think he understands. He is very intimidating to me physically. Not because he's a large burly man - but because he's fit and attractive. Other girls drool when he walks by. I feel like Belle in Disney's Beauty & The Beast -- all the local chicks around my town see "Gaston" as a handsome Prince, and I just wrinkle my nose.
Am I attracted to him? Absolutely - only I don't know how to show it. I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid to touch him, to feel him, to kiss him. Lordy, don't get me started on what comes after kissing. I'm terrified -- petrified even, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about my concerns. No one really listens to me. My friends scoff and scold. They tell me I'm beautiful and that he really likes me. He's gorgeous and sexy, I should just shut up and go with it.
Yeah - not that simple.
He's 30 years old and he's been having sex since he was 17.
I've been having sex since -- never. (Did I forget to mention that?) I'm not ashamed, but I am embarrassed. People have always made assumptions about my sexual experience based on my appearance and popularity with guys. I'm not a tease - I don't insinuate and I don't talk dirty. I'm what you would call a very good girl. My Grandma had a strong hand in raising me - and I took her classic lessons of a lady (embedded in her mind from the 20's) to heart.
I know I've rambled a lot - but I really did do my best to get to the point. To recap, I'm overweight and physically uncomfortable with my body. I'm fine when out with friends and family. But with this guy -- I'm a mess. I'm a sick to my stomach nervous wreck. We've been talking for a little over a month, and we've never kissed. I won't stand within 3 feet of him if I'm alone, because a physical panic seems to come over me. I don't think he believes me or understands that I have a genuine fear. Its nothing personal against him -- I'm just very fearful of men and fearful of sex. Not so much the act it's self, but I'm embarrassed about my appearance and my inexperience. He's built like a brick sh/t house and I'm just not. All of his past girlfriends have been itsy bitsy with abs and flat stomachs. I'm very very intimidated by his past relationships - his 15+ years of sexual experience and his beautiful body.
I want to touch him, I want to kiss him -- but I just don't know how. I also don't know how to voice these problematic factors without sounding like a total moron. Everyone I've talked to in real life has laughed off this problem. Its simple to them -- I might be overweight but I'm considered beautiful -- he's sexy so bing-batta-boom there is no problem, I'm just imagining one.
(Please don't think me conceited for referencing myself as beautiful. My friends, family and strangers compliment me and insist that I am beautiful daily. I don't see it - and I don't agree. This is why my worries and concerns are brushed off and swept under the rug. I'm beautiful, so why am I'm complaining? That's how they all see it.)
This world is shallow -- everything is about looks and appearance. Who would have thunk? ... I'm put off by a guy for being sexy? I have some serious issues... LOL
Anyway, my apologies for typing up such a HUGE post. I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read it. I need to try and sleep... I'm supposed to go see "him" today.
*cues dramatic music*
I hope to get some insight from someone -- I figure someone out there has to have some sort of vague idea where I'm coming from. If I'm alone in this - then I'd say there is no hope for me! x_x
First, you need to know that you don't have to have sex with this (or any other) man, not until you're ready. Are you seeing a counsellor for the PTSD? If you do want to be intimate, but find yourself unable, a sex therapist might be able to help you work through the issues holding you back. Have you considered women's self defense classes? It might help with the intimidation issues. I took one when I was younger, which led to a brown belt in aikido and the ability to leave an abusive relationship. Not because I was tough, but because I was mentally stronger and more confident. I hope you can work things out for yourself. Good luck!
Just want you, and anyone who reads this, to know that I've been in your shoes, and that, at least in my experience, it can get better. That is: You can start out paralyzingly terrified and grow to have a comfortable relationship with intimacy and sex if you're honest with yourself about what you want and when, and what exactly you're afraid of, and pass that along to him. I'm saying this because I really think that two years ago I deeply believed I would live alone in a cage made of my own crippling anxiety, forever, and with the help of a lot of soul-searching and a very understanding boyfriend, I turned things around.
Your post really speaks to me...I mean, I've never had a really gorgeous guy interested in me and that niggling little voice in my head tells me of course not, you're ugly. (except there was one once, and while we were dating he started seeing a friend of mine behind my back and eventually dropped me, which was pretty fun for my self-esteem.) I'm probably only 10-20lbs overweight but somehow my brain tells me I've got so much flab I should never show my naked body to anyone, ever. I also have had terrible, traumatic experiences with men (abuse) and I was terrified of sex for a long, long time due to a compounding of PTSD with men and negative body image. The few times I dated I always ended it prematurely (or they did) when I realized that they wanted to sleep with me right away. Everybody I met always assumed I was really sexually experienced because I'm very outgoing and I have lots of friends, and I always let them believe it. I was embarrassed to be a virgin.
Anyway, I hear you wholeheartedly.
You won't always feel this way. It does get better, but you may need some help from an outside source, whether it be a therapist, or someone who truly loves you. When I met my boyfriend, he was different from all those other guys, he was understanding, he grew to know me and care for me before sex even entered the equation - not because he didn't want to, of course, but because he really cared enough about me and my boundaries to work with me through all my various issues.
Don't feel pressured to have sex before you are ready. I cannot emphasize this enough. For me, sex is something very intimate, very special - especially for people like us who have been put through the ringer one too many times - and no one, absolutely no one, should pressure you into giving it up. If they do, they do not respect you, and they don't really care about you.
We are also our own worst enemies. There are people of every size and shape who find love, no matter what they look like, and you know what? They all deserve love. So do you. You deserve love, no matter what terrible lies you may think about your body. If he is attracted to you, he is attracted to you, end of story. When he is with you, he is not thinking about those ghosts of girlfriends pasts with their perfect ghostly bodies. My bf was way more sexually experienced than me, with gfs with better bodies than me, and still he tells me every day I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He actually makes me feel beautiful, and I never thought that would happen.
It's not just about finding someone to love you, either. It's about finding a way to love yourself. It's something I still struggle with from time to time, and while I've finally found my way to self-acceptance land you don't get to live happily there forever, you have to find your way back again and again. It sounds so cheesy, but learning to love yourself is a special love that's better than any hot boyfriend.
Anyway, I could go on forever since I empathize with you so deeply, but I've already written a novel so I'll stop here. Clearly you are not alone. And I'm always happy to talk more if you want to.
My heart just goes out to you--and the other posters above have had some really great suggestions. You are not alone. I am also a late-20s virgin (woohoo!) who is a bit embarassed (although i'm working on that). And i'm pretty sure my terrible body image has had a big role to play in not going for it as it were, because if you project that you feel you are unattractive, it is not attractive (working on that too). But anyway, i do encourage you to go to therapy if you can afford it to help with your PTSD. It is not an incurable condition-- a good therapist could really help you. And if you can't afford it, perhaps a cognitive therapy workbook (from amazon--like Mind over mood is a very popular one) would help you to work through some of these things.
Another suggestion is to try and work on your self-confidence! You do deserve to be loved, have a partner, and feel safe and confident with them (and everywhere). Sounds like this guy is someone you really connect with which is what makes it so scary--but i agree, try being a bit open with him! You don't have to tell him your life story, or explain everything. You can just say, i really like you but you make me nervous, can we take things really slow? If he's not a jerk he will not be mad, he will be nice to you! Because he likes you! And you are worth liking and waiting around for definitely.
This is definitely something you should be talking to a therapist about. My PTS hasn't ever really gone away, but I can manage it now using tips and tricks I learned from a therapist that I see regularly. No one's perfect, and overcoming this probably won't be easy, but it's the best bet in getting your life back-- trust me, I've been in that position and I didnt have a way out, definitely go get some help.
Sorry I disappeared guys! My computer crashed, and I wasn't able to get back to business until just now. I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me. Honestly, it made me feel a whole lot better. I am seeing a counselor/therapist about this. I've done so off and on -- because I only seem to freak out whenever a relationship probability comes up.
Needless to say, while outside help is recommended -- I was still hoping to find someone that identified with me on some level. Mission accomplished! Regardless of your problems and heartaches, self-help, professional help and patience alike don't do much if you just feel alone in your issues. So, I really, really appreciate you guys speaking up and sharing your own words of wisdom and conflict. Thank you, so so much!
I am soooo sorry for what has happened to you. Wowzers! I think all of the above is great advice. Therapy works! And definately don't have sex because the guy is ready; YOU need to be ready and that is all that matters.
Just going to throw this out there: I have OCD and I take Zoloft + Xanax (when needed). Are you on any medication for the PTSD? I think they give people these meds for PTSD and I am soooo much better when I take them. Just a suggestion if you are interested in a pharmcalogical approach.
Totally off topic, but- you are a great writer! You put that into words so well.
I hope you find a solution that works for you! And welcome to the board!
I have been in similar shoes. You said that you've been in a rut for 10 years. When you are stuck in ruts you need to something radically different or else a year from now you'll be in the same situation with two exceptions. You'll be a year older and twice as frustrated. Know that you will have to break out of your comfort zone and that this will cause you discomfort.
A concept that changed my thinking is that we get exactly what we believe we deserve in life. ie a woman with high self worth will believe she deserves better than an abusive boyfriend. I believe that deep down at an unconscious level (because of your past) you believe you do not deserve a man who loves you. Therefore you do not have one and hence get what you feel you deserve. I have been in this place too. I recommend affirmations. Tell yourself out loud a few times a day. I deserve a great man who loves me. I deserve a fullfilling sex life. By virtue of being alive I deserve to experience all the good life has to offer. Try HARD to clean up your thinking whenever thoughts of feeling undeserving come up challenge them, until deserving thoughts become the norm. This is easier than it sounds.
This is why lottery winners blow their money and 82% of NFL players file for bankruptcy 2 years after their last game they do not feel they deserve the money and cannot hang on to it. Money is a magnifier it magnifies the persons fears, feelings of unworthiness and they can't spend the money fast enough.
I think this is what is happening with you. Although a great guy was practically given to you. Things are not happy and rosy. It is just magnifying your fears and making you feel anxious. If you don't clean yourself up and find a way to believe you deserve a great guy he will get away.
PS. Therapy and masterbation are GREAT ideas.
Good luck PM me if you want. I promise this new agey stuff works.
@Jaimie:; Thanks so much for the writing compliment! I really appreciate that - and it took me by total surprise. As for medications, I have been placed on a handful off and on the last year. Unfortunately, its just been a year of constant depression. My Father passed away in January - and I've just been up and down. Because of my anxiety, I tend to over ride the medication unless they increase the dosage. Xanax does nothing for me.
I want to say that my post is now pointless, because this guy and I have parted ways. He ended up going back to his ex-girlfriend... That really burns my biscuits, because I feel as if I was given nothing but lines. It was all an attempted fairy tale that fell through. Him disappearing has added to me feeling crappy again, but I'm working on it. Its quite likely that I am a manic depressive and bipolar. I'm exploring that possibility with my Doctor right now.
But boy oh boy, I sound like Milhouse from the Simpsons. I feel as if so much is wrong with me. I'm a clever girl. I know when I'm distancing myself. I know when I'm agonizing and there is no reason to do so. But sometimes, I just can't turn it off.
At any rate, I feel better about myself... Just from talking to you guys. I'm not as warped as I may sound. And when I say that, I mean no offense to anyone that relates to any or all the things I've mentioned. I'm a very out going person, and its an absolute shocker when I end up sharing bits and pieces of my reality. I attract men with ease, and I enjoy the game of flirting. I've kissed - hugged - touched - made out. *cough*
But I haven't done the whole sha-bang. My circle of friends don't seem to view sex as something sacred or special. I think that is more the era and way of the times. Its just casual. Everyone does it. (Sort of.) Right?
With this guy everything seemed so different. He was turning my world upside down - in a way I wasn't ready for. Alas, he's out of the running. So back to square one; me. I consider myself a work in progress, and I've come a long way. For years I lived in denial about my anxiety and possible bipolar disorder. Life happens and its not always fair, but I'm still here and I have plenty to be thankful for.
You guys are awesome, and it really has helped me to breathe a bit easier knowing for a fact that I'm not alone. So again, I appreciate you all taking the time to chat it up with me.
@Scartlett: I definitely need to reinforce some positivity in my life. I'm negatively optimistic. What a combination, right? It's not so much that I feel undeserving of this that or the other. Its just fear. I mean, I allow my weight to dictate a lot in my life. It's my comfort and my shield. I'm aware of that, and working on getting beyond the excuse. I mean plenty of over weight women enjoy happy sexually active lives. I have a handful of friends that bed a new guy every week.
That isn't quite what I'm aiming to do -- but I know it can be done. For me, I have a lot of self respect accompanied with many reservations surrounding my fear and hesitancy. But again, I'm working on it. lol
Everything in this thread really hits home to me. I have serious anxiety issues with men. Never had a boyfriend, never had a *sober* relationship. I feel awkward and terrified around someone I really like...if I think they're better than me my self esteem goes down the tubes because they're in better shape than me, or they're better looking, and I'm not good enough.
It's really tough to deal with. I'm glad everyone here is brave enough to talk about this, it has given me courage as well.
Intimacy Scares Me (I'm embarrassed.)
