Has Anyone Ever Just Decided to Be Single...Forever, No Matter What?
I'm just curious.
You hear so much about people "searching" for their soul mate. Dating this person, dating that person, online dating, speed dating, Mr. Right, Love at First Sight, compatibility tests, fate....has anyone ever just passed on all that? Said, "Eh, thanks but no thanks, I'm better off alone"? For no other reason than just general disinterest in the whole thing?
I've just never heard of anyone doing this. Are people who are single their whole lives generally single by choice...or just because that's the way it happened? Is anyone single by choice and firm in their decision to stay so, I guess is what I'm asking.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be single forever. I know that sounds SUPER dramatic and pessimistic, but I just can't picture myself with anyone. And I'm on the fence. I kind of think it might be ok, maybe preferable. I mean...I'd always be in complete control of my affairs, I wouldn't risk heartbreak and other nonsense, I wouldn't have to worry about my morning breath...hey, it could have it's perks. I'm not wallowing in self pity, more just pondering. Seems like every woman I know is in hot pursuit of a man, if of course she didn't already land hers in 10th grade, and I just wonder about the deliberate exceptions to this rule....
When I was thirteen years old or so I approached my parents one day and said "I am never going to get married. I am never going to date. I just don't want that."
I've been saying it my whole life ever since (I'm nearly 21, now.)
I don't know. One morning I just woke up and realized that I was not the sort of person who should be in a relationship. I find it impossible to connect with people on that sort of level. I have a few close friends, sure, but only to a point. I like my space, my distance.
From time to time I encounter phases of loneliness, but I'm usually quick to realize that that sort of loneliness could never be healed by hooking up with another person. My expectations are too high. I'm not lonely for a person, I'm lonely for a collection of traits and concepts that would be found in several people.
I just have no real desire to pair off. It's just not in me.
Now, I won't say that ensures I won't end up married someday. Life changes, people change. I might discover that one-and-only person who is worth the time and effort. But I doubt it.
In answer to your question: There are, indeed, people out there that would just rather be single. Not alone. Just single.
You can decline to actively seek relationships. You can forego dating sites, speed dating, and what have you, and just live your life. If you meet someone exceptional, you meet them, and if you don't, you don't. There's a gray area between active pursuit and denying all possibility that you might ever want to be in a relationship. That gray area is called "living your life and seeing what happens". And there's nothing wrong with doing just that.
Just in my experience, too, I could never "see myself" with ANYONE (I used to tell people I was basically asexual) until I met my wife. At which point my opinion changed, and personally, my life is richer for it. I'm not saying that is going to happen to most or even some people who also see themselves remaining single, but that closing yourself off to even the possibility that someone might enter your life and make you want to change your mind just seems very limiting to me. Why lock that hypothetical door before you've even reached it?
Yes- not me personally but I know people who choose to not be in relationships and sometimes I want to join them! lol. I know it's not for me but I respect their choice.
I just broke up with a man a few months ago because I realized that, even though he was a pretty great guy, I'm happier alone. I guess I feel that I'll be single unless the "perfect" man comes along. And I really dont expect him to come along. In all honesty, I LOVE my alone time and am wayyyy too selfish to give it up for a guy. =0)
Why lock that hypothetical door before you've even reached it?
Well, I don't really see that being applicable to myself. I guess that's what you meant by hypothetical...but I just really, really don't see myself ever being married or in a long term relationship. So I'm sort of like...why bother dating? Seems rather futile.
I spoke to my best friend about it today and she seemed almost...offended or hurt. And I look at it like this: is this kid who is always on the bench anyway really lessening his chance of making a goal if he just quits the team??
I didn't get married until I was 27 and until then hadn't really dated much. Didn't do the bar/club scene at all. Just sort of became friends with this guy, did things with him and one day it clicked.
But I have many single friends who are in their 30's who aren't interested in getting married, aren't looking for Mr. Right, and are quite happy with their lives.
I think as women become more self sufficant financially, we have less tolerance for annoyance with a significant other then in previous generations.
My mom has been miserable her entire life in her marriage but you don't get divorced, "what would people think? How will I live, I've never had a job. I raised my kids and took care of the hourse." She got married at 16 to the first guy who asked her because you had to be married back in her day.
I think maybe I was unclear. The "door" being closed is a mental one, that closes off the possibility of it ever happening.
I mean, again, it's pretty common to feel like you couldn't live with anyone until you meet the one person you could actually live with (this was my experience, and the experience of many friends). There's no NEED to date, until you meet someone that you WANT to date, you know?
My point is that closing off that pathway altogether (I will never date so I may as well ignore any signs that I might actually enjoy someone else and avoid people I might want to get close to because I've made a decision that I am not the dating kind) is a world apart from just living your life and letting the chips fall where they may. You may find that your current feelings are right, and as you keep living your life, no one ever strikes you as worth dating. There's nothing wrong with that whatsoever. But closing the door is saying "even if I did meet someone I feel I could really be with, I'm not the dating type, so I won't pursue it or allow those feelings". That's the only thing I'd caution against, if only because my own experience and the experience of many other friends of mine is that the idea of being in a relationship seems so far-fetched and undesirable, unless you meet someone who fits, at which point it starts making sense.
It's sort of like what katkitten said - expecting to be single unless someone exceptional comes along, and being fine with being alone...that's a good thing! That keeps you from settling in something you're not happy with just because it's what you're "supposed" do (and I have plenty of friends who've done that as well). But ruling it out entirely, for life, without knowing where your life will go or who you'll meet, seems unnecessarily limiting to me.
Just my two cents. Obviously dating life is personal, and please don't take this as criticism, just something to think about in response to your question.
Near her 30th birthday my friend had her eggs frozen, so she could be a single mom around 35. That's how much she wanted to be single! 2 months later she met a guy. FF 2 years, they are engaged. She clearly wasn't looking... but it found her.
It was a similar situation with my boyfriend as well. I decided to be single FOREVER. Met him the next week...
I always knew I was going to get married. I didn't think I'd be married at 19 though. My mom on the other hand, never married. Yes, she had me out of wedlock, lol!! But she was 30, with a nice job and her own house. I think she wanted to marry my dad, but he didn't want to marry her. He didn't even want me (he told her to have an abortion). He seriously seriously hurt her. He dumped her because she had breast cancer, and "couldn't be with someone with one breast". Great man huh? I don't think she ever got over him. I don't think she ever date anyone else after him either. She was very self sufficient, and didn't want to rely on a man for anything. She devoted her life to me, her family and teaching. That was her life, and that is how she liked it.
I guess you could say I am single by choice. I was married for years, a long time ago. But that's been over for over a decade and I've done a little dating since then but nothing serious. I think I like living alone too much to consider having someone else around all the time. 24/7. No respite, no privacy, no time to myself.....someone always around. Ugh. And I like having full and total control over my money. If I want to buy an expensive handbag or yet another pair of running shoes, I don't have to check with someone else.
So even though I get lonely sometimes, I pretty much dig being single. If the right guy came along, though (and he would have to be AWESOME), then I would consider changing my mind. But he'd have to be pretty exceptional.
I decided I wanted to be single forever. I liked being single, a lot. I decided to try dating, wasn't so keen on dating and I liked my independence and gave up on dating and wanted to just be by myself.
Then it happened: I become extremely close to a male friend, male friend was interested in me but I was clueless/stuck on being single but figured why not so we started dating, 5 months later I moved half way across the country to a new state, we rented an apartment together and then a year later we got married.
And to compare, I had relationships prior that had lasted a lot longer but I certainly wasn't willing to move in with someone. It was just the right person, right time so it happened. Also one of my friends used to tell me I was 'too picky' when it came to men. I think I had the right to be 'too picky'.
I have never been really boy crazy. Most of my friends growing up were all so boy crazy, I felt like an outsider. I have never been the casual dater either. I always felt like I could be single forever. Some days I was okay with that, others, I wasn't. I really was just used to being alone for a while. Started to really enjoy my independence. Then in the past 2 years I have dated more and more. Right now I am in a relationship with a guy who is 2 years younger than me, who also has never been in a serious relationship before me. I can actually see myself marrying him one day, something I have never said about anyone before. It really happens when you aren't looking!
It's so much easier to use your weight as an excuse to isolate yourself from the opposite sex than it is to deal with the feelings/fear of rejection, abandonment, and inadequacy that that is the real issue. When the excess weight starts disappearing, you're forced to deal with it...or withdraw completely.
I'm not saying that's something you're experiencing, but I know it's an issue for me. There's a lot of repressed, denied emotions buried under the layer of protective blubber that surrounds me. As the blubber dissipates, I'm left dealing with the emotions, and it sucks hardcore.
Has Anyone Ever Just Decided to Be Single...Forever, No Matter What?
